


Changing Lives With A Bang! (Rewrite)

by SlytherinLife



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Deidara Does What He Wants, Do Not Copy Onto Another Site, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/F, F/M, M/M, More Relationships added as plot progresses, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, SI!Deidara, Self-Insert, Too many characters, references to other fandoms - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:02:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 134,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26286907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinLife/pseuds/SlytherinLife
Summary: Life can have a funny way of messing up things. One day I'm in class, studying for a big exam and the next I woke up in a body that was never meant to be mine. Well, there's only one thing to do after waking up as my childhood favorite anime's residential bomber: Derail the plot anyway I can! It'll either work or it won't, but it never hurts to give it a shot.Konoha sounds like an excellent starting point.Originally posted on Fanfiction.net, re-edited and updated for a new audience. Summary edited to be more clear.
Relationships: Deidara & Kimimaro (Naruto), Deidara & Uzumaki Naruto, Deidara/Uchiha Itachi
Comments: 100
Kudos: 327
Collections: Reincarnation and Transmigration





	1. Prologue

As morbid the thought was, I used to think about how I would die. Being the overly paranoid person I was, I doubt it would have been from an accident. I've never driven a car in my life and I impulsively checked my stove to make sure it was off. I always thought it would have to be from sickness, or old age, something that came with a person being careful to the point of being considered boring. No… my death was rather anticlimactic.

I died in my sleep.

…

The universe must think this is a joke. It really isn't that funny either. I've heard of athletes dying in their sleep from cardiac arrest, but I'm not an athlete! I go on walks, sure, but you would never see me on a field in a uniform. The last time I was near a field someone kicked a soccer ball and it hit my face… I wasn't even playing at the time! My body was perfectly healthy, so why did my heart decide to rage quit life?! I would blame that slice of cheesecake I ate, but how could anyone say no to those things?

It turns out that the universe decided to have more fun messing with me. You know those fanfictions where someone gets reborn into an anime and have to go through the poop-inducing stage of life that is infancy? Apparently, you can skip this feature if you adamantly tell an underpaid angel that you refuse to deal with that and they’ll drop you into the next available body.

But I didn't mind, either way, I believed in reincarnation so I was expecting a new life. Just not as soon as I did, and with my memories to boot. Woohoo! Maybe I can have a bigger impact on life with the knowledge that I retained. Maybe my life will be normal? School, friends, and maybe some romance for once? That'd be a nice change.

That is until I realized where I was and more importantly WHO I was… damnit.

I died, my former body is just a husk, so you don't need to know my name, what my life was like, what my hopes and dreams were. Just know that the anime I got spat into had the biggest impact on my childhood and my future as a whole. Also, know that I was a woman, so…

"WHY THE FUCK AM I A MAN, HM?!"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first step in changing the plot.

The first thing I noticed when I woke up was that my skin was _tight._ Like trying to put on a new pair of skinny jeans two sizes too small tight. I flailed in whatever bed I was in, hoping to stretch a muscle or adjust to this new, unfamiliar skin. Nothing was working, I wanted to scream but my voice was lost, I wanted to die but my heart didn't stop. I didn't want to breathe but my lungs forced in unwanted air. Reincarnation my ass, this was hell! I was hot and cold at the same time. 

My brain was frozen and my body was on fire. I tried to fish for a solution while focusing on my breathing, all I could think of in my pain muddled mind was that a shower could fix this.

Pushing myself up on thin, but muscular arms I race to what I believed to be the bathroom. Ignoring the mirror I quickly stripped off the foreign clothes on me and jumped in the shower, turning the water on as hot as I could stand it. Almost like magic, my new body relaxed, taking deep breaths I allowed myself to adjust to the new slowly reddening skin.

Once my panic subsided and my skin no longer feeling like those torture traps teens call "skinny jeans" I decided to risk it and look at my body… It didn't take long to realize three big differences. First of all, I was blond, not that I'm complaining I hated my old hair. Running a hand through the honey locks, my disappointment settled in when it felt wiry. Not at all silky like its appearance seemed to promise. Hope this place had hair conditioner.

Secondly, I was short. I must have been a child or a pre-teen at the oldest. I could only guess because the shower head was way too high up for me. In my old life, I could simply reach up and adjust it. Time to go through puberty again… whoop-dee-doo.

Sighing, ignoring the masculine tone in my voice as I had a deeper voice in my past life, I look down… big mistake.

"WHY THE FUCK AM I A MAN, HM?!"

Upon hearing that oh-so-familiar verbal tic I smacked a hand over my mouth. My heart raced, 'no...nonononono universe you did not put me in _THAT_ world in _HIS_ body!' Slipping on the floor and with a painful thud, I landed on the shower floor. Tears threatening to spill out as I choked on a sob. Then something bit my lip. My hand was on my lip… my hand bit my lip!

Pulling my hand away, I saw my palm with the smuggest grin on its… mouth. That was new, at least it didn't break the skin. "You have got to be kidding, hm. Shit, I have his verbal tic." Propping my legs into a more comfortable position and slamming my head against the tiled walls with a groan my mind wonders, in any other scenario, I would have jumped with glee. But not this, anything but this.

I died, I was sent to the Narutoverse like some damn fanfiction and I'm Deidara of the Akatsuki. My favorite character, but also someone I never wanted to be.

Realization decided to hit me like a mallet, "Wait… the Akatsuki... when am I?!" Once the initial shock of having body parts a girl should definitely not have was past me, I shot up to my feet. I turned off the water and slipped my discarded clothes back on. The teal kimono should have brought me comfort but I don't know when Deidara got his dark clothes. All I could do was pray Sasori wasn't in the other room ready to mock me about how I kept him waiting or how my flailing kicked a puppet.

Stepping out of the bathroom, I observed the room I was in. There were traditional Tatami mats covering the floor and a messy futon laid in the middle of the room. I must be in an inn, or Deidara has a sweet place. Thankfully, no signs of the ginger Pinocchio. After raiding the room, the lack of the iconic black and red clouded coat and Deidara's headband being unslashed allowed most of my worries to slip away. I wasn't in the Akatsuki... yet.

I could prevent that from happening. I can hide in a nice village and live a peaceful bloodless life. I could become an artist. I could possibly find someone nice and start a family and grow old…

Or I could change the plot and mess with people.

'So much could be prevented just by not joining the Akatsuki' My brain ran a mile a minute thinking of scenarios that happened because of Deidara. 'Gaara, the Sanbi, the fight against Sasuke… the suicide… his role in the war.'

I don't plan on dying young thank you very much! I'm gonna die at a ripe old age, just before I lose my marbles and whack the youngsters with my cane! And I most certainly will not let some Orochimaru-wannabe use me for his gain. Screw that!

But first, I need to figure out where I was. Gathering my stuff I left the building that turned out to be an inn and explored the small town. Buying some breakfast of steamed rice and some fish at one of the local stores I resist the urge to sing the opening song from _Beauty and the Beast_ with how... _small_ the place is. 

Everyone knows everyone and there is a distinct lack of shinobi besides myself and a couple teams. It seems like I'm near the border to the land of fire based on the fact I'm the only shinobi from Iwagakure and the other shinobi having the leaf on their foreheads. 

Oh well, time to gather some info via eavesdropping on conversations! Using my new-found shinobi ears I heard an old couple talking about a shrine and its… "artistic statues".

I snorted to myself, "I wonder what’s so artistic about them, I’ll need to pay my respects, hm..." I murmured with a small chuckle before freezing. "Not even here for an hour in this world and I sound like Deidara already... Oh well," I sighed out with a cat-like stretch, "can't hurt to visit the shrine, hm." Sliding out of my seat, I left to see this shrine.

It didn't take long to find the shrine, hell it was the only place that looked well-kept and had stairs! Oh dear God did it have stairs? This is why I never traveled, all the cool places had stairs! Nevermind the fact shinobi are basically enhanced humans, doesn't mean I know how to act like one. I barely understand how I make clay sculptures just by clenching my fist a few times. 

As I walked up the stairs, the many… many stairs my gut tightened as I began to recognize the architecture of the building. 'This is… great, it's that shrine.' Stopping in my track I craned my neck up to look at the impressive building. High walls and monstrously scary idols litter the area, truly a building worth being called a Japanese shrine. As a fan of Japanese culture, the beauty of the shrine brought a smile to my lips, but only for a moment. 'Okay, now is not the time to admire the building. Now's the time to run like hell.' 

As I began to turn to walk away from my inner Po kicks in at the sight of all the stairs... That I already climbed… and I would have to walk down after all my hard work. I truly do make the Nara clan look like a gold medal athletes.

"... Well, a quick visit won't hurt. I doubt it's THAT day, hm." Narrating to myself always seems to calm me down for some reason. Besides, if it was that day, I don’t need them to hear me sing… can Deidara even sing?

Nearing the last few steps my heart plummeted to my stomach. Sweat formed behind my headband and my hands almost automatically grabbed the clay in my pouch to fiddle with. Inside the shrine are three very familiar heads… or rather the back of them. Black and red coats, all dangerous, and some of the most awesome people to enter my childhood.

The Akatsuki were just a few meters in front of me.

As if sensing my presence they had the nerve to dramatically turn at once to me. 'Damn you, villains, for being so cool, and dammit Itachi, stop looking attractive! Wait, I'm Deidara now, bad Deidara! Stop staring at the drool-worthy Uchiha! Wait, they're talking to me.' Snapped out of my thoughts at hearing Itachi's… smooth… velvet voice… 'STOP DROOLING OVER HIM WO- man… I mean... _DAMMIT BRAIN_!'

Having the mental state of someone not even considered an adult yet added with this body’s prepubescent brain was a dangerous combination.

"-join the Akatsuki." Itachi finished, at least I think he said something before that. I must look like an idiot just standing there with a dead fish expression. At last, I found my voice.

And let me tell you this, the first thing I said was so graceful, so majestic, it would go down in history as the greatest answer ever.

"Sorry cutie, those colors clash with my hair, hm." 

And by that, I mean completely stupid.

With a wink and a smug smirk, I dropped a handful of clay spiders that I guess Deidara made before I took over and hightailed out of there. Lifting two fingers to my face I uttered the one phrase I've been wanting to say the moment I realized who I was. "Art is an explosion! _KATSU_!" The bombs exploded and I leaped down the stairs into a nearby grove of trees. It'll take more than C1 to even put a scratch on a bunch of S-ranked criminals, meaning if I don't get away soon I'm potentially dead.

‘Fuck my life, need to hurry!' It took me a few moments to remember that I could make birds. Quickly sculpting an owl and making it transform into a flyable size, I hopped on. My feet barely missed Sasori's tail, aimed for my back, and I had the owl fly off.

I didn't risk looking back. One look at Itachi and I would be done for. They wouldn't give up so easily, Pein wants Deidara to be Sasori's partner. Too bad for them that I'm Deidara now. And I'm not about to deal with them knowing that later on, I would get stuck with Tobi. Die. And then have the supposed idiot turn out to be an Uchiha bent on practically destroying the world. 

Nu-uh, I'm going to go someplace where I'm either gonna change lives, cause absolute chaos, or get killed on sight. Universe, don't fail me now!

"Now… where is Konoha, hm?"

**3rd person POV**

Sasori returned, empty-handed, and in a worse mood than before. First, he had to wait hours for some brat to show up, then said brat had the nerve to flee. "He got away," He stated plainly like he was talking about the weather.

"We will find him another time," Itachi returned the bland tone, currently focused on his partner whose arms were folded and had a contemplative look on his face.

Now, Kisame was a simple person, once focused on something, it won't leave him until he spoke up. "Neh… Itachi-san?" Kisame finally looked at his smaller partner, not sure if he will regret this question or not. "Did the kid call you a 'cutie'? I thought Deidara was male."

Silence, not even the crickets chirped.

"Hn." Not bothering to respond to that, Itachi instead turns into dozens of crows and scattered.

Sasori grumbled in annoyed "brats…" before leaving to report to Leader about their failure to recruit the annoying bomber.

Kisame stood there, alone and confused. “Did I say something wrong…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I love this story but it makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide in a dark pit for the rest of my days. I was such a fangirl as a teenager.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deidara quickly makes his way into Konoha and has lunch with a new friend.

It took a good ten minutes before I realized my mistake. No, I didn't forget anything. Yes, I have no idea where Konoha is, but I'm guessing any travelers I encounter would gladly give me directions. No, it was something worse…

I called Itachi cute. I called  _ Uchiha Itachi _ CUTE!

I was doing a very convincing impersonation of an armadillo. It doesn't matter that I'm fifty feet in the air with no one to see my internal dismay; I still wanted to curl up somewhere and die of embarrassment. Why oh why did I say that! I already have a loose tongue as it is, putting me in Deidara's body means I have four times the mouths! Being a fangirl doesn't help either... Why couldn't I have been reincarnated when I was older? Surely you stop being a blabber mouth with age, right?

"Universe! If you can hear me now, please give me a distraction! I'll even take a run-in with Jiraya and have a twenty-minute conversation about how girly I look, hm. ANYTHING!" I pleaded to no one in particular, I never pray to any deity, just the universe… because I swear the thing hates me. 

Thankfully, at least in this situation, it likes to prove me wrong. Not even a minute after I made my plea I heard the sounds of kunai clashing. Might as well check out who was fighting who. Landing my bird and stuffing it in my pocket after making it a figurine again, I headed over to the noise.

Observing the fight I couldn't believe my luck! A Konoha genin team was fighting a handful of... Takigakure jonin? I clicked my tongue, a bunch of big adults fighting eleven-year-olds. We can't have that now, can we?

Taking some clay I quickly made some frogs, making sure that they could stick onto surfaces. I refused to make spiders. Spiders are creepy and gross and I don't care how cute Deidara's are, I refuse to make them! Hiding in some bushes the clay frogs innocently hopped into the sad, sad battlefield. The entire fight stopped almost comically upon seeing those soulless eyed amphibians hopping over. 

_ Hop...hop...hop…  _

Then suddenly, the frogs shot out pale white tongues and attached themselves to the Taki shinobi. Wrapping their long limbs around the men's legs and torso, one guy even had a frog on his face. Lucky for him I don't know how to mimic the mucus... yet. I wonder if I could find a poison that works with the clay…

I had to keep myself from laughing at the little dance the Taki shinobi were doing trying to get my bombs off. Too bad for them that I made the frogs as stubborn as me on a bad day. "What the hell are these things?!" One of them shrieked. 

That made me pause in my concealed laughter. 'Things? Oh hell no. You did not just call my ART things!'

Oops, did I say that out loud? The Konoha shinobi looked at my hiding spot. No use staying hidden then. Slowly standing up I put on a cool expression as my hands connect with my hips. If I wasn't so short I would look like a mother catching their kid eating cookies before dinner.

A Taki shinobi proceeded to laugh, albeit nervously seeing my headband. Good, they must know about the explosion corp and what Iwagakure shinobi are capable of doing; wish I knew that too. "Art? Kid, these are the ugliest things I have ever-" The poor fellow didn't get to finish his sentence before I blew him up with a hearty "KATSU!"

Well, that shut them up pretty quickly. Even the Konoha jonin quickly put his genin students behind him.

Oddly, the fact that I just killed someone with the highest level of apathy should be concerning to me. But I think I'm just desensitized to the whole thing, the world didn’t look or feel like my old one. Everything looked… too much like the anime for me to connect it to reality. Maybe this was all a dream? An elaborate, mind-boggling dream, and I’ll wake up from all of this and laugh until I forget it all.

But no… the pain in my right hand was real enough. At least, real enough that I could feel my tongue being bit in a location where there should not be a tongue or teeth for that matter.

Without warning I turned to the Konoha shinobi, talking directly to the jonin as I kept my hands ready to blow the others up. I cannot tell if the genin are staring at me with fascination or the same way a horror movie protagonist looked at a killer after shooting them

.

"Need these guys alive, hm?" The jonin folds his arms in contemplation before nodding. Oh? The silent type?

Trying not to express my disappointment I nodded, "Then can I at least join you guys to Konoha? I have a friend there I haven't seen in forever, hm." Lying, at least in my opinion seemed the only logical way to get them to agree. If they believed that I knew someone it would be less suspicious for an Iwa shinobi. I needed to get into Konoha, helping a genin team could work in my favor. Wanted shinobi or not, I DID help out, that should at least eliminate the whole "kill on sight" option at the gates and hopefully. The worst that happens is that I get arrested or sent to the T&I building.

Before the Jonin could question me the team's only kunoichi piped up "Sure! We were heading back there. Right, Sensei?" Oh god, this girl is adorable, looking up at the jonin with sparkling eyes. No wonder the silent shinobi nodded in agreement. How can you say "no" to- 'okay brain stop rambling I think we get it!'

~^~^~^~^~

I’m starting to remember why I spent most of my life hating children. I am the most maternal person I know that isn't an actual mother but even I have my limits. I’ll run to protect a child, hold them when they are sad, and whisper sweet nothings. I’ll be a role model and teach them about life, but that won't stop me from wanting to punch their lights out. 

The genin next to me happens to be one of those types of kids. It doesn't matter to me if he is close to my age physically, mentally I’m significantly older and tired of the universe's bullcrap.

"What village are you from? Hey, are you a shinobi? What's your name? My name is Daiki it means impressive! Pretty cool right? Can you do jutsu? What was that you did to that shinobi? Why is it called art? How old are you? I'm eleven! Why do you say ‘hm?" Shut up shut up _shut up_! This Daiki kid won't shut up! He's Tobi-hyper mixed with Naruto's Talk-no-Jutsu. He's skipping next to me! SKIPPING! My energy was being sucked away like some demonic leech just by trying to keep up with him!

Resisting the urge to blow someone up I cleared my throat. Instantly making the boy quiet, waiting for a response. "Iwagakure. Yes. Deidara. Cool. Yes. My art. Cause it's my art, art is a fleeting moment gone in the blink of an eye, hm. I'm about the same age as you. It's a verbal tic, hm." Damn, someone pat me on the back because I said that all in one breath. Now, please shut this kid up.

Thankfully the kunoichi pointed towards some gates yelling "We're here!"

Sighing with relief I stuck to the team long enough to get inside and watch some Anbu take the Taki into custody. Izumo and Kotetsu give me questioning looks, but the jonin flashed some kind of sign to them, I'm betting he told them that I would be dealt with later or he would alert the Hokage. Either way, I managed to enter Konoha just by being quiet and cooperative. Bowing to the now eyeing-me-suspiciously jonin and saying goodbye to my new "friends" I hightailed out of there like a chicken with its butt on fire. It won't be long before Anbu are on my ass so I need to figure out a plan and fast. It’s already unbelievable that I made it this far. My luck will run out eventually.

And then, something hit my nose. Not a fist, or a pole, but a rich smell that has never reached me before. Noodles, broth, and cooked meats. Hope raised to the heavens, my head turned to the source as my fears of Anbu melted away.

Ichiraku's Ramen stand.

...Screw Anbu, I'm having ramen!

Making a beeline for the stand I quickly paused and made sure I had enough money. Pleased seeing that I had plenty I entered the stand with a dorky grin on my face.

I was greeted with a cheerful "Welcome! What can I getcha?" from the one and only Teuchi.

Trying not to drool I sit on a stool. I rarely eat ramen, the bowls tend to be too big for me, but I had to try this stuff. "Miso pork ramen please, hm." Teuchi nodded and there sat some momentary silence when a familiar voice appeared right next to me.

"Hey, old man! I'll have the usual, dattebayo!"

Oh, my sweet baby Jesus could I get any luckier? Looking to my right I saw the iconic blond hair, sky blue eyes, but no orange jumpsuit. Naruto's tiny frame was instead covered with a white shirt and some blue shorts. It took all my nerve not to jump on him and smother his face with love and affection, he's so tiny and cute! 

'Whoa there Deidara, calm down. Hug him now and the Anbu that watch him will be on your ass faster than you can say "art"'

It seems my staring didn't go unnoticed, as said tiny blond was now frowning at me.

"What'cha lookin' at lady, dattebayo?"

Turning my head, Naruto immediately looked away, as if expecting to be yelled at or hit. 'Poor kid…' I thought to myself, smiling softly. I let out a deep chuckle, startling Naruto into attention. "I'm looking at you, also I'm a man kid. Remember that, hm."

Woohoo, I managed to make the shrimp sputter "B-b-but you're way too pretty to be a man! How is that possible?!" Must… resist… urge… to steal chibi….

I shrugged, pretending that I'm not having an inner battle. "I look like my mom, hm." At least I hope I look like Deidara's mother. Either that or he had one cute dad.

Naruto blinked, confused "Oh…" Silence waved over until the ramen arrived. "Thanks, old man!" The younger blond began eating with gusto. Blink once and he's already a third done; that bowl's the size of his torso!

Cautiously, I took some chopsticks and proceeded to try the ramen… well there is a reason why this is his favorite kind!

It took all of my restraints to not vocally express my joy eating this delicious food. The broth was salty but savory. The noodles were thick and soaked in the broth and the meat. Oh god, the meat, juicy pork perfectly cooked to a beautiful white on the inside and outside browned with miso- I don’t even like pork! Now I can see why cooking is considered an art. It's fleeting AND edible. And there's naruto in my ramen too! How cute!

I guess Naruto noticed my enjoyment. I have a habit of pinching my face with a smile when I eat something tasty.

"Yuff nefer haf," He swallowed his mouthful of noodles before continuing, "ramen before?"

Mid-head shake I ended up receiving Naruto's infamous ramen rant. Boy, can this kid talk, at least he doesn't play twenty questions. Who knew there were so many kinds of ramen?

"And then there's beef rame- hey! You're a shinobi!" Naruto proceeds to shout while pointing at my face, making me go cross-eyed. He likes to state the obvious, huh?

Slowly moving Naruto's appendage from my face, I nodded. "Yeah, I'm a jonin from Iwa, hm…"

Oh god, I should have kept my mouth shut, the shouting was instant. Teuchi seems used to this by now, as he just resumes his cooking with a happy grin. Good for you dude, my ear is about to bleed.

"So you ARE a shinobi! I knew it, dattebayo! I don't know where this 'Iwa' is but can you teach me some cool jutsu?! I'm in the academy but all we learn is boring book stuff, dattebayo. I can't get stronger without more training and all the teachers focus on that teme Sasuke. Please nii-san?!" Impressive kid, all in two breaths.

Wait…

He called me "nii-san"

This adorable, precious kit called me nii-san… and wants _me_ to train him?

"Um… kid, how about we talk about this elsewhere after we eat, hm?" I quickly looked over my shoulder. Call me paranoid but I'm certain we were being watched. If I needed to make a break for it, I'd rather it be somewhere more open with fewer civilians. "Most of my jutsu are unique to my body alone but I could give you pointers on how to get stronger."

Naruto nodded with determination. "And my name's not 'kid' it's Uzumaki Naruto! AND I'M GONNA BECOME THE STRONGEST SHINOBI IN THE VILLAGE AND BE THE NEXT HOKAGE! THEN EVERYONE WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ME, DATTEBAYO!" I'm dying on the inside while my ears rang on the outside. I just got the famous Hokage declaration. Naruto, when you are older please use the Talk-no-Jutsu, I have to hear it in person... But not aimed at me, please.

Smiling with a pleased hum I simply nodded in acceptance "Then you better work hard, Naruto-kun. A village’s leader needs to put their words into action." I stated sagely before returning to my ramen, not noticing those big blue eyes staring at me in awe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translation:  
> Yuff nefer haf - You never had


	4. Chapter 4

"RACE YA TO THE PARK, DATTEBAYO!" Naruto screamed out and ran in a random direction. Even as I watched him dodge civilians, rather skillfully for someone his age, my mind sped through every possible scenario that could and would go wrong.

'What if he falls? What if he runs into something?!' Cupping my hands over my mouth I started to shout, "KID, WAIT-" A small breeze went past me. Followed by two quick pricks to my arms and some kind of tag smacking my back. I was surrounded by men and women in matching uniforms with porcelain-white masks of different animal designs, and all sporting matching red tattoos on their arms.

Oh goodie, the Anbu showed up.

One with a dragon mask spoke, it was a woman's voice though no one I recognized. "Deidara of Iwagakure, the Hokage wishes to speak with you. Your cooperation is mandatory." What a nice way of saying that if I make a scene, I'm dead.

My arms began to tingle and feel heavy, dropping like they were lead. 'Poison? Seriously? POISON?!' All I could do was give my best-unimpressed face before sighing, even my chakra was sealed. No point in running. "Fine. But can I ask something really quickly, hm?"

Dragon mask gave the faintest of head-tilts.

“You guys could sense me the minute I entered the village, right?” No one responded, so I continued. “Then why did you wait until after I explored long enough to find a ramen stand and talk with a random kid for almost half an hour, hm? Shouldn’t the arrest have happened the minute I stepped foot into your village?”

I turned my head to glare at the boar masked Anbu that squeezed my arm. No need to make this personal, buddy.

I looked in the direction of where Naruto was, hoping to tell him that I will catch up with him later. Only, the hyper child was nowhere to be seen. Naruto's not going to be happy seeing that I'm gone. Hopefully, I'll live long enough to blame the old man on this.

~^~^~^~^~

By the time we reached the Hokage tower, my arms were completely numb and hung uselessly like wet noodles. I'm pretty sure my palm mouths will start drooling due to a lack of muscle control any minute now. The precautions they took on me are borderline ridiculous and yet, understandable. Even at this age and size, Deidara had developed a reputation as an S-rank criminal... I just hope that his crimes don't haunt me forever.

Entering a room that was not the Hokage's office, but rather seemed to be a lounge area with two large plush sofas and a table with a black book resting on top of it. On the back wall were the photos of the previous Hokages, including Minato. The people in the room, however, are what caught my attention and held my interest.

Hiruzen, those two old farts that call themselves village elders, Ibiki, several Anbu, and lastly the biggest asshole in the world…

Danzo.

Ooooohohohohoho, this is going to be  _ fun _ ! Too bad I can't use explosives or I would have saved myself a lot of trouble.

At first, no one spoke. A pregnant pause hung in the air like a balloon filled with too much air. I glanced around the room, trying to find a conversation starter that wasn't related to the pictures. But I didn't need to because just before gramps could open his mouth, Mr. Sharingan-Stealer spoke up.

"How did you get here?"

I stood there dumbly, my brain searched for a Deidara-like response. But it dawned on me. They don't know me- know Deidara I mean, nor would they know my personality. I could act like myself and no one here would know any better. What even better is that the people who do not know me end up learning very fast is that I am a literal person. Throwing caution out the window, I decided to see how long this game will last.

"Through the door, hm." Good… good, I'm seeing sweat drops.

However, the geezer was not amused. He leaned forward slightly and frowned. "I meant, how did you get into Konoha?"

"I walked in."

"How?" Danzo growled out like a carriage struggling through a mountain of gravel.

"Through the gate, hm."

"Why would Konoha jonin allow an Iwagakure shinobi inside our village without passports?"

If I could move my arms I would have shrugged, "Your security sucks. All I had to do was hang around some genin and I got a free pass inside." I hate plot armor and love it at the same time. It makes my life both easy and a living hell considering it's a fickle thing, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth when it's presented to me.

"You're a rogue shinobi."

"And you're old."

"..."

"Sorry. I thought we were stating the obvious here, hm."

"..."

Hiruzen, though holding in a chuckle at his old friend's struggles, took over the conversation with a cough. "I believe what Danzo is trying to ask is, what is your purpose coming to Konoha? We are aware that you are a bomber for hire, yet you tend to stay clear of larger countries. If you're here because someone hired you..." Well, since it's  _ you _ asking gramps, I'll answer properly.

Only… I didn't know what to say. If it was just the Hokage I could possibly plead my case about being reborn. But not with Danzo in the room. The moment he learns that I hold critical information I'll find myself in ROOT faster than I could even say "ROOT". Then again… I did have a story I could use.

"I was confronted by an organization called the Akatsuki..." I paused, waiting for a reaction. There was none. "They wanted me to join, but I refused and fled, hm. I thought Konoha would be a good option to hide in. Though judging by the welcome I thought wrong." I give a sharp glare to the dragon Anbu in the room. I could almost see her smirking. "Search me all you want. I swear that I am not here because someone hired me, hm.

I guess Ibiki was there to be a walking lie detector, cause once I said my piece everyone looked at him. Ibiki walked over and began to pat me down. He removed my clay pouch, removing the white clay and holding out the substance like it was something new to his eyes. He huffed, returned the clay to the pouch then finished his search by removing my hidden kunai, shurikens, and the scroll containing what I could assume to be Deidara's possessions.

Ibiki then grabbed my face. "Open your mouth, I don't want to find clay hidden under your tongue."

I rolled my eyes and complied, letting him examine my mouth and did nothing to protest as he checked my hands. My clay pouches and weapons were placed on a table and Ibiki held out my scroll. "He's clean, but I'll check this scroll for information and weapons."

"I know how much money is in there, hm," I warned Ibiki as he left the room, eye twitching at his smirk. 

The elder lady spoke up once Ibiki had left the room. "And why, pray tell, should it matter to us what the Akatsuki want? They're just mercenaries."

Wow, was this lady serious? "Because I met one of  _ your _ shinobi. Black hair, around my age, lines on his face." I deadpanned, though amused when the tension began to form. Good, they now understand the situation.

"Why didn't you join them?" Again it was the woman. I really need to learn her name.

"I don't see how that's important. I chose not to, that's all that matters, hm." I wish I could fold my arms right now.

Hiruzen dulled eyes lit up in realization, which I returned with a raised eyebrow. That’s right old man, you want information? Get everyone out of here. Taking a breath from his pipe he sighed but was once again interrupted by the mummy-man. Rude much?

Leaning forward on his cane, his closed eye bore into mine. "We were told you talked with Uzumaki Naruto, what were you talking about to him?"

Now, that caught me off guard. Sure I knew Danzo had a big mouth, but I'm a rogue shinobi for Kami's sake! At least refer to him as a "Konoha child" or "small boy", as creepy as that sounds it at least keeps his importance to a minimum! Do they want him to get kidnapped?

"We talked about ramen, he wants me to train him, called me 'nii-san' and you all owe him an apology because I was forced to ditch him, hm. Why? What's so special about him?" I was met with silence.

So, I continued. "Honestly, he has trusting issues, all I had to do was give him some attention and he latched onto me like an abandoned baby monkey. Didn't anyone teach him the importance of 'stranger danger', hm? He doesn't even know my name yet. Not that he gave me a chance to do that, once he saw my headband he went crazy, hm." I tilted my head in fake confusion, was he so love deprived that he would cling to a random person? Yes, yes he was and I want them to admit it. I want them to acknowledge their mistakes, if only it was that easy.

Hiruzen cleared his throat uncomfortably, probably understanding my subtle hints "Naruto… is an orphan. But I have to agree with Danzo here, as long as you are in this village we cannot let you be near him… or any of the other academy students." He quickly added, trying to cover up his slip.

A large part of my mind wanted to walk out of this room and find the kid. Find Naruto and hug him, tell him that there’s nothing wrong with him and people just suck. If I had gone to Suna, I would have already kidnapped Gaara to raise him better than his father "tried" to do. And these guys want me to stay away from Naruto, who had even LESS than Gaara? If that was the case then someone should have taken him in, Kurama or not damnit!

You know what…

Screw self-preservation. Go big or go home.

I widened my eyes and hoped my face resembled realization. I opened my mouth "Oh, I see now. He's this village's Jinchuriki, huh?"

The chaos was almost instant.

A leg quickly kicked under my feet, and as I fell, a fist connected with my gut, making me cough, but even that was interrupted by a knee colliding with my jaw. Once I landed with a harsh thud, I only had enough time to dizzily look up as several kunai were held close to my vital spots. 

Anbu sure move fast considering their status as death-fodder.

Even the Hokage was on his feet. Let me guess, he's going to ask how I knew?

"How do you know?"

Because Shonen Jump anime characters are predictable. That's why.

"Because I was the Tsuchikage's student and I was taught to know these things, hm. Iwa isn't the best place for children, so I can see abuse when it's there. He flinched when I looked at him and even when smiling he had a cautious look in his eyes. Meaning his reactions and sudden attachment either means he's bullied, neglected, or abused, hm." I stated with disgust laced like vomit was threatening to rise. How could they treat an innocent kid in such a way? "None of you helped in this either. An orphan boy is special enough that he must be mentioned to me by name, and told I must stay away from him? I heard that slip-up, I'm young but not stupid, hm."

Hiruzen sat down but didn't remove the Anbu, at least not yet. I barely saw him motion his hand towards the book on the table, which Ibiki wordlessly opens and places in front of my face to read with a smirk.

It's a bingo book. With Deidara's page staring back at me.

I can only understand some kanji and the hiragana, but I made out things like "stolen" and "destroy", but what got me was the kanji for "person" and the number by it.

Deidara killed a lot of people for an eleven-year-old.

This wasn’t funny anymore. I may have my soul, but this body shouldn’t be mine, this is one that is used to killing. I knew I was in the body of a murder… but these numbers… whole towns...

I'm going to be punished for these crimes if I don't think fast… this was to force me to acknowledge them. Bile began to burn my throat as I was forced to swallow it back down to hold whatever pride I may have left in this situation.  This is why it's rarely a good thing to be stuck in the body of a villain, all their actions become yours and you face their consequences. Whether you want to become good or not is all a matter of who you end up meeting. At that moment, I no longer wanted to be in the world of my childhood dreams…

'I wish I was at home.'

**Hiruzen's POV**

Something was off about Deidara, based on the bingo book, he shouldn't care about Naruto. In fact, the bomber should be yelling at us, threatening to blow us up with his "art". But instead here is a pre-teen with too much information on his hands to be let free.

A pre-teen that looks to be on the verge of tears?

I furrow my brows and look at my friends in confusion. Was he showing... regret? Or was this a facade? I had to test him.

"Your crimes could very well sentence you to death. What do you have to say for them?" For a while, the blond didn't speak, or move minus the subtle trembling and the twitching of his fingers, indicating the poison wearing off. Finally, he spoke.

"Is it... possible to atone for my crimes?"

I sat there stumped. Usually, when a rogue shinobi is captured, they hold their heads high and laugh or beg for mercy. Never have I seen someone ask for redemption.

Then again, it wasn't wrong to request such a thing. Many of Konoha's own shinobi have done worse and faced little to no consequences. Granted, most of them were due to missions or the wars. Though I thought back to my students, and how I let Orochimaru, who experiments on his own comrades, get away.

Danzo was quick to stomp down on the blond's hope with a sharp strike of his cane. "You flatten villages for revolutionists, murder people for enjoyment, and expect forgiveness? How undignified and selfish." He did have a point, Deidara has killed many people.

Then again, so did Uchiha Itachi, because we gave him no other choice.

Deidara is no Itachi. The boy stole a forbidden jutsu to become stronger, and his teacher branded him a traitor for it. Deidara had a choice and he picked it. But I'm not sure what I would have done if one of my students did something like that…

Oh, I do know. I let one them away with it, and to this day I regret my actions. But this child, if I am to believe what I'm hearing, wants to start over. Orochimaru just kept following his bloody path.

'I'm becoming too soft for my own good.' Aware of the lecture to follow after this meeting I took a long drag from my pipe then exhale "Now Danzo, as much as I want to agree with you, I believe in chances when it is wanted." All eyes snap to my attention. Even Deidara was hanging on every word I said.

Only time will tell if I'll regret my actions or not.

**Deidara's POV**

Blinking through my tears that were forming I wasn't sure if I should feel blessed or afraid.

A second chance? Why would I get a second chance? I mean, I'm grateful but this is Deidara we are talking about. I'm not even a Konoha shinobi, I just asked for redemption because I don't want to die a second time. If I was going to be imprisoned I would have tried to trade information for my life at the very least... what is Hiruzen planning?

Then again, Orochimaru has done worse, and he got off scot-free. And Danzo… speaking of Danzo, the Hokage-wanna-be is adamant on making sure I'm killed.

"Hiruzen you soft fool, don't let this be a repeat of Orochimaru!" Ouch, comparing me to that snake is low, at least I don't dream about younger boy's bodies and I actually want to become a good guy. Isn't it your fault that Nagato went into a war-hating, pain-obsessed mindset?

Suddenly, the heavy pressure of chakra filled the room, it was becoming a struggle to breathe. If I wasn't already on the ground I would have collapsed from the sudden change. Trying to find the source, I quickly realized it was Hiruzen.

"We are at a time of peace, Danzo! I shall decide what his fate will be!" Hiruzen looked livid, and Danzo quickly stopped arguing. I must have "meep"ed because everyone's attention focused back onto me.

Quickly, the fierce glare softens and gramps cleared his throat again "You will have your chakra sealed to... academy level, you will be allowed to participate in D-rank missions. You will be under 24/7 surveillance from our elite shinobi and Anbu. If they believe your actions will harm the village, you will be killed without a second chance. At night you will be locked under guard in a cell until you are deemed trustworthy. After that... we will talk more about your imprisonment." Well, at least I won't cause public outrage from neighbors.

"Under no circumstance will you be allowed near the academy, intelligence building, clan compounds, or the forty-fourth training ground without permission. This permission must be obtained from someone of jonin rank or higher or by the clan heads themselves, not their heirs and heiresses. Once I deem it so, you will be allowed on low-rank missions with stronger Konoha shinobi," He paused, thinking of anything else. "You and I will have a one-on-one conversation after one month. I will allow you to speak to villagers, including Naruto and I will allow you to train at academy level under supervision. You will never be left alone, every Konoha shinobi shall know who you are and why you are being watched."

He must have seen the relief wash over my face because now he's chuckling. I can spend time with the kit, and while I'm basically on pins and needles I have more freedom than I thought. At least I won't end up dead.

"Of course, I will be informing the Tsuchikage about you. If he has more demands I will have no choice but to follow them... that includes returning you to Iwagakure." I felt myself nod, I had no reason to complain. At least Hiruzen understood that I'm willing to redeem Deidara, not to mention save my own neck for his actions.

I found the Tsuchikage part odd, why would Hiruzen need to speak to him? Then it clicked: What if the old man found out that I was here? It could cause political problems if the Hokage didn't at the very least inform Deidara's former teacher. As long as he doesn't demand that I return to Iwagakure I'm fine with it all. I'd sooner join the Akatsuki then go there and potentially die.

“You will also be sent to Ibiki and you will tell him everything you know about other rogue shinobi and… the Akatsuki.” Heh, freedom for snitching on others? Fair play there, Hiruzen.

"I accept Hokage-sama. I am at your mercy." The Anbu removed themselves from my person and I'm yanked to my feet. My arms were still useless but at least I could move. Quickly, someone used fuuinjutsu on me, and while I could feel my chakra, it was at a lower quantity than my normal reserves. One by one everyone leaves and I began to fidget. 'Who is suppose to watch over-'

"You summoned me, Hokage-sama?"

That voice, hallelujah do I know that lovely voice anywhere. Turning my head I lock eyes… well, eye, with every Naruto fan's favorite masked shinobi. And no, it's not Tobi.

Hatake Kakashi!

'Someone pinch me I have to be dreaming!' Oh how I wish my best friend was with me, she would have flipped her lid.

I had to suppress my excitement at the sight of this powerful shinobi. The man was supposed to watch over me and kill me if I made one wrong move. Even if I tried to flee, with the Sharingan under his disposal, there is no way in hell could I beat him. Talk about a whiplash of moods, I should be scared but- come on, it's the masked pervert of the century! I can talk to this one unlike these Anbu.

A voice behind me spoke up, it was gramps, "Hello Kakashi, seeing how you failed your genin team  _ again- _ " I snorted. "I've decided to give you a month-long mission." He motioned to me, "This is Deidara, a rogue shinobi who is to be under constant surveillance, I'm sure you know of him. You will be in charge of him during the day. At night the Anbu will take over."

Kakashi began to loom over me and I shrank into myself. 'Need to break the ice… say something cool! Something powerful!'

"C-could you t-take me to Naruto, hm? H-he should... Um… be at a park." I squeaked out like a tiny mouse. So much for first impressions. I don't do well with tall people, okay?!

Kakashi smiled his famous eye-crinkle smile, obviously enjoying this moment, "Sure kid, just… don't do anything you might regret. Wouldn't want you dead on the first day." He turned and began to leave.

With a sigh I bowed to the Hokage and gave Danzo a rude hand gesture, earning a laugh from the former.

Gramps, I won't let you down. I'll make sure Naruto gets stronger and has someone to look after him. And Danzo…

You better pray I don't learn C4. Pray that my chakra control is pitiful and I never attempt to succeed past what the original timeline portrayed as this body’s physical limit. Pray that I never have a reason to find you...

Because once I'm finished with you, all that will be left is Shisui's eye.

~^~^~^~^~

We reached a park about ten minutes later. I had to give Kakashi my wallet to buy fingerless gloves, the sudden change in gravity from standing made my palm mouths ooze out saliva. Gross. My arms were sluggish but I can, at least, move them now.

"My mom says not to play with you! She says you're a monster!" Well, I found Naruto, and he's being rejected by a bunch of kids. Watching the scene play out I saw Naruto's head bow and his face morphing into disappointment. All he wanted was for people to acknowledge him, kids can be unbelievably cruel to one another.

Another boy pipes up, "You should drop out of the academy! I heard adults saying you'll fail anyway."

I saw red.

Kakashi quickly stepped to the side, not sensing kill intent he allowed me to storm over with a "Go ahead, I won't be far behind." More than likely he knew my goal was to scare the piss out of them.

Grabbing the two brats by the front of their shirts I yanked them up to my level, trying to suppress the tremble due to their weight. "Wanna repeat yourselves, you little shits?" Their friends begin shouting words, I guess it's their names. Who gives a fuck though?

The one that called Naruto a monster sputtered, "Y-y-you can't hurt me, my b-brother is a shinobi! He'll beat you up." oh? The big brother card?

I playfully tilted my head with Deidara's trademark grin that came naturally on my lips. "So? I'm a jonin." The kid pales, "Tell your 'b-brother' to come at me, in fact, tell him to bring all his little friends. I'll kick their asses then yours, hm." Dropping him, I looked at all his friends. Some were trying to keep brave faces, while others were in near tears. The two I dropped watched me with large eyes, trembling as my pitifully small chakra reserve was like a freight train on them.

"You think Naruto's a monster? Remember this: my name is Deidara, and if he's a monster then I'm a demon." I slowly removed my gloves and raised my arms to show my palm mouths grinning at them, one has its tongue sticking out. They screamed and ran off, calling for their moms and dads. Serves them right. 

Turning on my heel I'm greeted with big blue eyes  _ glaring _ at me. If looks could kill or if he had the Sharingan, I would be dead.

I gulped, "Naruto-kun..?"

"You ditched me, dattebayo…" Naruto's eyes blurred with tears, his lower lip trembling. Nonononono please don't cry!

"I-"

"YOU LEFT!" I reeled my head back as Naruto began to scream into my face, "YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO TALK! AND I LISTENED, DATTEBAYO! BUT WHEN I TURNED BACK YOU WEREN'T THERE! AND I… I thought… I thought…"

Okay, anger completely justified, but I still had to ask, "Naruto-kun, why are you so attached to me?" My tone remained quiet, and I slowly knelt until I was his height. He’s so small...

Naruto lowered his head and sniffed, tears leaked down his cheeks and his voice like a scratched record. "Y-you… believed in my dream to be Hokage and not counti-i-ing g-gramps y-you don't treat me like a demon-n-n, dattebayo…" He takes a deep breath "A-and you l-look like you c-could be my broth-ther… b-because we look rela-ated..."

I pulled Naruto into a tight hug, my own eyes beginning to feel moist. He's thinner than I expected… Why are the main characters always so mistreated-... no. This wasn't the main character of an anime, this wasn't the village hero; this was a lonely child whose whole life was full of hardship up until he becomes a shinobi. And I made him cry.

Now I feel like the asshole.

"I'm sorry Naruto-kun… I had to talk to some people. I've done things I'm not proud of. Never believe people when they call you a monster because… if anyone is a monster it's me... I've killed people, kid." I feel Naruto tense in my arms, but I continue "But the Hokage is giving me a second chance, and so I'll do whatever it takes to make up for the things I've done… Even though that’s a fool's dream, hm."

I tried to look at him, but my bangs blocked his face, "So, if a brother is what you want… I'll be that. I'll train you, watch, and protect you. I'll give you so much love you'll be sick of me. I'm not perfect, but if you can forgive me for my faults… I think I can do my best for you, hm." Suddenly small arms snake around my neck and the small body in my arms begins to shake.

Expecting more tears, I was surprised to find Naruto looking into my face with a cheeky grin. "Okay! But you gotta promise to train me, dattebayo!"

My own lips begin to tug into a small smile, he's too forgiving for his own good. Pulling away I held my hand out to shake his. "Then let us start over, I believe you do not even know my name yet, hm. My name is Deidara but call me whatever you wish."

Without missing a beat his small hand clasps mine and shakes it vigorously. "Uzumaki Naruto! And I'll call you Deidara-nii!" Next thing I knew, I'm back in a crushing hug. With that one hug, I knew things had changed.

The Deidara that kidnapped Gaara will never exist, the suicide bombing will never happen, the person that hated the Sharingan with a passion is nothing more than a part of my memory. In its place is a Deidara who cares, who will try, who will protect. In place of the old Deidara is someone who will give Naruto the love and care he needs.

I'm going to change things, even if at the cost of going into the future blind.

As said by Itachi himself: "That's what big brothers are for."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For future reference, whenever Deidara speaks English it will always be in italics and when characters like Kurama or Black Zetsu speak it will be bolded.
> 
> Fair warning: If you are from my Harry Potter story... this story has vulgar language. I'm working on it, but I'm not going to delete all of it. Just wanted you guys to know in case swearing isn't your cup of tea.

**Kakashi's POV**

The first impression I got from meeting Deidara was that he was hiding something. Not only was he able to convince the Hokage to give him a second chance, but he almost seemed in his element the entire time. Then again, he was just pinned down by Anbu, even so, he seems to be handling things well.

"C-could you t-take me to Naruto, hm? H-he should... Um… be at a park." Ah, right, I spaced out. At first glance, Deidara looked terrified, rightfully so. He even had a high squeaky voice. But that wasn't the case.

His eyes screamed excitement, like a kid getting an early birthday present excited. He didn't squeak because he was intimidated, he squeaked because he was trying to look cool but failed.

But looking into his eyes… eye made me uncomfortable, it was too much like those that are long gone. People like Rin, or… or Obito, who could take one look at me and read me like an open book. I could hear a soundless speech being shouted from that eye as he patiently waited for me to answer him.

Deciding to give him a smile even though he can't see it, I finally spoke, "Sure kid, just… don't do anything you might regret. Wouldn't want you dead on the first day." Again, he doesn't seem afraid, it was like he was expecting me to say something like that.

I'll have to keep a close eye on him.

~^~^~^~^~

The kid's mouths drooled… no, not on his face, he has mouths on his _hands_! For some reason that was the least of my concerns when babysitting a pint-sized rogue shinobi. Bombing? Yes. Complete and utter chaos? Yes. Temper tantrums? Definitely.

But drooling palm mouths?

The bomber had me take his wallet and buy him gloves, something about "Not wanting to make a mess on the wooden floor, hm." He wordlessly put on the clothing, effectively gagging the hands so they didn't ooze out saliva. And he stole the jutsu that gave him those…. Why? It's not worth the effort to ask.

Reaching the park, Minato-sensei's son, Naruto was being bullied by other kids… my mind slowly drifted to the faces of my former teammates as the past tried to flow back into my head looking at the kid. But that was quickly put to a halt when I saw Deidara's face.

He looked rather angry for someone who barely knows the kid.

For some reason, the aura this kid gave off was the same one Kushina would give Obito if she caught him skipping on meals to train. So, I calmly stepped to the side seeing as these civilian kids were in no danger besides some trauma.

"I won't be far behind." That's all Deidara needed to storm over there to deal with the bullies.

I calmly pulled out my book to enjoy some light reading. Opening my current page I let the words block out the tormented thoughts that haunt me... Heheheh~

~^~^~^~^~

_'Oh Mai-san, how lovely it is to see yo-'_

"YOU LEFT!" I lifted my head from my book to witness Naruto screaming into Deidara's face. The older blond makes no move to argue or yell back, but exchanges some words with Naruto.

I almost went to step in when Deidara pulled Naruto into an embrace that was almost too familiar for people who just met. It was almost as if the rogue shinobi had always known Minato's child, even though they met today. Those close to Naruto like the Hokage or even Teuchi, keep physical contact like hugs to a minimum and express their love in different ways. Yet, here is a stranger hugging him.

I retreat into a tree so Naruto doesn't notice me and ruin the moment. I don't trust this Deidara kid, but if he can take care of Naruto like he's promising, then my opinions could change.

Or he would end up dead. Either way, I'm just glad I don't have to fail anymore genin for a while.

Now… where was I in my book?

_Day 1_

Collecting my charge for the first time was not a hassle at all. In fact, he was already showered and dressed for the day by the time I got there.

Opening the cell, Deidara calmly strolls out like he owns the place, a cocky grin on his face.

"Didn't have any black cats cross your path, hm?"

I paused mid-step and glared a hole into his back, how did he know that line?

I was almost disappointed that whatever D-rank mission was thrown at him, he handled them without any complaints. This was a jonin who took painting a fence like it was an S-rank assassination and openly talked to the elderly couple whose yard Deidara tended to. The bomber even made an earth clone so the missions would be done twice as fast. The kid passed out upon returning to his cell from chakra exhaustion though.

_Day 3_

Deidara was terrible at aiming.

It's been two hours and he has yet to hit the wooden post in front of him once with a kunai or shuriken.

I had to laugh, he's supposed to be a jonin yet he can't even hit a fixed target from ten feet away?

Of course, the brat heard me.

"Haha very funny, hm! I don't use ninja tools often and you guys won't let me use my clay!" 

Excuses excuses, he sounds like a genin already. Maybe the lack of chakra got to his brain? Okay fine I'll help him.

"Try getting closer to the target."

He's a very literal person, he threw the kunai barely a foot away from the post. I watched as it got closer… and closer…

Then suddenly it changed direction and landed about 15 feet _away_ from its intended target.

"..."

"..."

"Not. A. Word. Hm."

My laughter was barely contained as the blond silently cursed out at the sky.

_Day 7_

After speaking with the Hokage I decided to let Deidara make explosives with some clay to use up his excess chakra. But the kid and I made a deal: three C1s a day and they are to be kept in a pouch with a lightning seal on them. That way no matter what he tried the bombs would be duds as long as they stayed in the pouch.

I'll need to update his bingo book on this weakness. But I have to admit, the little animals he makes are pretty cute.

"Why would you tell me the one true weakness of your jutsu?"

Deidara paused his sculpting and tilted his head in contemplation. Nodding with a satisfying mental answer he looks up at me with a dangerous glint in his eye.

"Because by the time I fight someone with lightning chakra, I will have countered this weakness."

I involuntarily shivered and then momentarily hoped that this supposed time is much later rather than sooner.

_Day 10_

Today seemed like a normal day. Birds singing, people talking, Deidara failing at throwing kunai at a post literally ten feet away. Yep, things seemed pretty normal-

"DEIDARA-SAAAAAANNNNNN!"

Nevermind.

Watching Deidara go from 1 to 1000 on the scared cat scale, I turn my head to the newcomer. A genin if my assumption was correct, fresh out of the academy. A civilian-born kid with straight brown hair in a high ponytail and sparkling green eyes that scream "newbie". Minus the fact he's oozing with hyped-up energy, I had to wonder why Deidara would be so tense.

"Deidara-san! Deidara-san! It's me Daiki! You remember dontcha? I read up all about you because of our sensei. Is it true you are a jonin?! And that you have been a ninja since you were a kid?! Why didn't you tell me you were so COOL?!"

Ah, that's why. He talks a lot. Nice job kid, all in one breath.

Deidara seems to be overloaded with all of the sudden chatter but tries to reply anyway. "Well, I uh-" Keyword "tries".

"And you're older than me by a few months too! Can I call you Senpai?!" Daiki interrupted and man, I have never seen an expression change so fast. Deidara went from overwhelmed to have a face of pure terror, I tilt my head confused.

Slowly, Deidara swallows, "I'd rather you did-"

"Awesome! You're such a cool person Senpai! Hey hey, teach me some of your jutsu! I want to be a cool shinobi like you!" Well, it seems as though Deidara's made a friend, good for him he needs to be with kids his own age.

Or not.

"Get the hell away from me, Tobi, hm!" Without warning, Deidara dropped a smoke bomb 'When did I let him buy those…?' Before bolting away to the northwest side of the training grounds.

However, this didn't seem to stop the genin from chasing my charge "Oooooooh is this a training exercise?! WAIT, MY NAME'S DAIKI NOT 'TOBI'! SENPAI WAIT UP! SENPAAAAIIIII!" And they're gone.

Though it begs a few questions, who is Tobi and why did the title "senpai" cause such a violent reaction? Imagine if Deidara had access to not only his normal chakra reserves but also his clay… I'm fairly certain this Daiki kid would have been dead.

I'll need to report this later.

Yep, a normal day.

_Day 11_

Deidara only left his _unlocked_ cell to pick Naruto up from the academy and to make sure he got home safely. The moment Naruto was in his apartment, Deidara ran like the Anbu were on him. I followed his every step back into his cell, where he slammed the door shut and hid under his bed.

Pulling out my Icha Icha book, I sighed, "Why are you hiding again?"

Deidara poked his head out from under the bed, "It's the only place Daiki is not allowed to enter and I'm keeping it that way, hm." He stated rather dryly before returning to his hiding spot.

Note to self: Call for this Daiki kid if I ever need to punish Deidara.

_Day 15_

I am never taking a day off for the rest of the month.

"WHADDAYA MEAN DEIDARA-NII IS IN A CELL JI-CHAN, DATTEBAYO?!"

Make that two months for ear therapy.

Yesterday, the Hokage gave me the day off, which I spent most of the day at the memorial stone. But he forgot to mention that my replacement was chosen by Danzo-sama.

A jonin whose father was killed during the 3rd shinobi war by Iwagakure shinobi.

Unable to contain his hatred for Deidara's existence, he told Deidara that it was time to return to his cell earlier than agreed on.

Right in front of Naruto.

So here we are. Naruto throwing the village’s largest tantrum, even as Deidara tries to soothe the boy by telling him he doesn't mind.

"Naruto-kun, it's okay. I agreed to these terms and-" Naruto was not having any of that.

"I DON'T CARE DATTEBAYO! It's not fuc- ow! Deidara-nii!" Deidara interrupted Naruto mid-curse with a hit on the head which formed a comically large bump.

Deidara huffed, putting his hands on his hips, "Naruto-kun, I will allow 'damn', 'hell' and 'teme' but if I hear anything else there will be consequences." He chastised motherly. Are we sure Deidara's a male? His bingo book says so but he certainly doesn’t act like a male from Iwagakure. Men from Konoha take the mantle of motherhood, but reports have never said the same for the Deidara’s… and isn’t Deidara around eleven?

Naruto began to pout, but quickly pulled a mischievous face "So... what words am I not allowed to say again- OW!" That earned him another bump from the older blond to add to his growing collection.

Deidara quickly bowed to the Hokage. "Forgive his rashness, Hokage-sama. I will have a talk with him after I take him home, hm." Deidara grabbed Naruto by the ear and dragged him away. But before he left the Hokage stopped him.

"The Tsuchikage responded to my message," Deidara looked over at the Hokage with an interesting expression. One eyebrow arched and the other furrowed, mouth pinched like he was being inconvenienced. "He has demanded you return your headband, write one letter a month for someone named Kurotsuchi. Oh, and you do not reveal critical information about the village." That last part almost sounded as if the Tsuchikage added that last minute.

“Onoki doesn’t care that I’m here with the possibility of going free, hm?” Deidara gave Naruto a harsh look when he tried to protest.

“That is something you’ll have to discuss with him. You will be expected at Iwagakure within the year.”

Deidara threw his headband at the Hokage’s desk. His hair, once supported by the headband, collapsed over his face and he fixed it with his free hand. Deidara gave the Hokage a slight bow of his head then stomped out, dragging a still protesting Naruto with him.

I sighed inwardly. Yep, no more vacations for me until this mission is over.

_Day 17_

I stayed hidden on a roof as I watched Deidara wait for Naruto by the academy gate. Eventually, I see the familiar spiky hair bolt over and hug the older blond. Focusing chakra into my ears I listen in.

"Neh, Neh! Deidara-nii, we had a test today, dattebayo!" Naruto was practically vibrating as he told Deidara about his day.

However, Deidara didn't seem amused at the idea of a test. "Score." A single word and an outstretched hand were enough for me to know things would not end well for Minato-sensei’s legacy.

Naruto seemed to get the same idea as he timidly pulled the paper from his backpack- 'A gift from Deidara no doubt, he either saves his money or spends it on the kid…'- and handed the test to the older kid.

It was a 23…

Without a word, Deidara crushed the paper in his hands like someone would a bug, and proceeded to drag Naruto off to his apartment. All the while Naruto tried to escape from his impending doom.

"Deidara-nii it's not that bad! It's higher than usual!" _That_ made Deidara walk faster. I watched him throw open the door after taking Naruto's keys and forced the kid to sit at the kitchen table. 'What is he planning..?'

Deidara pulled out a sealing scroll 'When did I let him buy that?' and slammed his hands on it. In a cloud of smoke produced flashcards and books laid out in a pile.

"You are going to study MY way, hm. Apparently, the academy doesn't know how to help those falling behind." Deidara sat down next to Naruto and began making him study.

Two hours and a mock test later a thought was dancing across my mind.

'I should let Deidara go to the academy…' 

Naruto was, based on my observation, actually beginning to understand some of the material he should have known from the beginning.

"Twice a day for 15 minutes I want you to study these flashcards, once a week you will stay at the academy an extra hour to make more cards from new things you learn, hm." This wasn't a request. Deidara’s back was straight and his voice sharp. “From now on, your education is my top priority.”

However, Naruto’s feelings were anything but mutual. He just pouted, earning a sigh from the older male. I laughed behind my book, feeling sorry for whoever gets stuck with Naruto as a genin.

"Naruto-kun… if you score a 70 or higher, I will teach you a new jutsu, hm." That made the kid perk up and nod in agreement.

"Then I expect you to work hard, hm" Was all Deidara said before going into the kitchen to prepare Naruto's lunch for tomorrow.

'That still isn't a very high score…'

_Day 19_

Deidara was brought to the T&I building where he was willing to give information on the Akatsuki and any other information about other S-ranked criminals he knew about. In return for a detailed report, he said that he did not want a Yamanaka near him the entire time. At first, I thought the kid was just being cocky for demanding an obvious part of the interrogation. But, beyond my judgement, Ibiki had agreed to the terms.

I looked over Deidara's shoulder as he added in the 6th page of a long and detailed report about the Akatsuki, including identifying traits of each member and their jutsu. 

I couldn't it, but I frowned as Deidara looked at the left wall for the 17th time, staring at a crack for a solid minute then continued to write.

Just what was the kid trying to remember?

_Day 20_

Here we are once again, I'm reading my books and Deidara is failing at throwing kunai at the post.

Finally, the blond snapped.

" _SON OF A MONKEY'S SHIT EATING ASS FACE THIS IS FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE! FUCK YOU UNIVERSE AND ALL OF YOUR BULLSHIT!"_

I paused. Deidara froze. Only one thought could pass through my head. 'What did he just say?' Even Deidara seemed surprised.

**Deidara's POV**

'Holy- that was English! I spoke English! Wait… Kakashi…' Sneaking a glance at the masked shinobi I let a smirk trail across my face.

" _Hey, hot stuff! I know what your face looks like and I can see why the ladies love you! I know my friend does!"_

I watched Kakashi give me his iconic eye crinkle smile before cheerfully saying, "Did you say something?"

I laughed, shaking my head. 'Okay Kakashi, be that way.' After the laughter subsided I threw a kunai at the post.

It hit its mark.

**Kakashi's POV**

'Lovely, Deidara has a secret code that I can't understand.’ I thought to myself, wondering when Iwagakure had the time or patience to work on elaborate coding.

" _HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH! Finally! Three fucking weeks!"_ Deidara was jumping for joy, clapping his hands as he cheered to himself. Suddenly, he started throwing all kinds of weapons at the various posts and trees in the area. All hitting their marks as Deidara kept yelling in his code. 'Again, where does he find the time to buy all this stuff?! Where did he even keep his stuff?' I saw seals on Deidara's wrists. 'Ah, there… Wait, when did he make those?!'

This is going to be a long report…

_Day 23_

"Kakashi!" Oh no, Deidara please have something to do.

"I think your friend wants to talk to you, hm."

With a sigh, I looked towards the voice, Might Guy, longtime friend and self-proclaimed rival of mine. "Yes, Guy…?" He proceeded to shake his head in disappointment at my lack of a reaction.

"How unyouthful! I was wondering if you'd like to join me and my protege," Guy gestures towards a mini-him- oh no there are two of them. "To our 50 laps around the village!" He noticed Deidara. "Hello, there youth! I'm Might Guy, Konoha's noble, blue fierce animal and this is Rock Lee!"

The kid, Lee, shoots his arm in the air in greeting "YOSH! It is a pleasure to meet you!"

"Deidara, hm."

Tears comically form from Guy's eyes as he begins to rant at my charge, "SUCH AN UNYOUTHFUL RESPONSE FROM A YOUTHFUL FACE! Kakashi! You should teach your students to be more passionate!"

"Gai, he's not my student."

"I am passionate, hm!" Guy's mouth snapped shut in interest.

"Then tell me your passion unyouthful one!"

Without much warning, Deidara took some clay from his pouch and made a bird, "Behold! Such magnificent sculpting with perfect lines. The symmetry is unmatched by any craftsmen as I use my chakra to create such beauty that no other artists can make! In my hand is a super flat power that vanishes in a blink of the eye." Before I could stop him he threw the bird into the air " My art… IS AN EXPLOSION! KATSU!" The bomb explodes in a firework-like display that made me wonder just how much chakra this kid had in reserve if he could do that on an academy-level.

A part of me wonders what would have happened to Deidara if he had been placed under the watch of any other jonin? Kurenai would have slit the boy’s throat weeks ago.

I paused and waited. Waiting for something to happen. And then, Guy spoke.

More like a shout but this was Guy’s normal tone.

"SUCH YOUTH!" I am deaf. "I HAVE YET TO SEE SUCH UNIQUE ART BEFORE! YOUNG MAN, YOU MUST JOIN US ON OUR YOUTHFUL RUN OF YOOOOOUUUTTTHHH!" My ears are dead. I shall demand Hokage-sama pays for their funeral, in full.

"Sure, hm!" With that Deidara ran off with the duo in a… sunset? But it's noon!

My ears are still ringing.

_Day 26_

It took me a few days but I found Daiki and informed him where Deidara was. Time for some payback.

"SENPAIIIIII!"

"Oh HELL NO, HM!" Before Deidara could run away, Daiki grabbed him by the arm and proceeded to bounce on the spot.

"Senpai senpai! Could you help me out cause there's this girl I really really really like and I want to ask her out but she won't notice me but if I had a senpai with me it would look cool and- mffh mhhp mmmmh!" Deidara quickly slammed a hand over Daiki's mouth.

His ungloved hand.

Quickly realizing what he was doing, Deidara yanked his hand away like it was burned, but Daiki saw the mouth.

"Did you just kiss me Senpai?"

Turning red Deidara flailed his hands while shaking his head "No I di-"

Daiki flew his hands to the sides of his head in dismay, "I got my first kiss from my senpai! And he's not even a girl and it wasn't even on the mouth! I kissed my senpai's hand! Oh, Seiko will never love me now!" Overdramatic much kid? But I’m amused nonetheless.

Deidara seemed to have the same thought as he sighed. "If I talk to this girl will you _please_ shut u-" Before he could finish his sentence Daiki was already dragging him away.

"Sure senpai! Thank you senpai!"

I could feel Deidara's glare boring into my soul.

_Day 29_

Deidara will still not talk to me.

"Come on kid, I said I was sorry." Nope, nothing, he would just keep sculpting the same bird over and over again. It's creeping me out because I think the kid forgot how to blink.

Quickly thinking I summon Pakkun, kid's like dogs, right?

"Yo Kakashi, what do you need?"

I deadpanned while pointing at Deidara, "Can you cheer him up? He refuses to talk or blink."

Pakkun looked at Deidara, "Hmm… he smells off. Kinda like there are two people in one body. But okay." He trotted over to the blond while I let my mind wander.

'Two people in one? That doesn't make sense, no one is controlling Deidara and he rarely uses any jutsu… I'm going to talk to him before this mission ends.'

"Hey kid, what's up?" Deidara slowly looked at Pakkun, instantly his eyes had that same sparkle he would have when looking at Naruto or just small things in general.

Pakkun continues. "Look, kid, let me make you a deal if you talk to Kakashi…" He raised his paws "I'll let you touch my paws. They're nice and soft." Pakkun began to scratch behind his ear due to an itch, grumbling.

Without saying a word, Deidara reached over and scratched the spot for Pakkun, as if he's always been around animals. Pakkun wags his tail pleased and let the blond touch his pink paws.

"There you go, hm…" Oh thank you, he spoke and blinked.

Deidara looked over at me with a calm expression "We'll talk later, hm." Then turned his attention back to Pakkun.

_The final day_

I took Deidara to a small tea house that I visit sometimes. Sitting down I stared down at my charge. "Pakkun said he smelt two people in your body. What did he mean by that?"

His expression kept changing; from confusion to contemplation then back to confusion with a side of annoyance. Even he didn't seem to understand.

Then, a wave of realization washed across his face.

"Oh, hm."

'"oh"? That's all he has to say?' Apparently not as the pre-teen began laughing.

"S-sorry. I think I understand." Deidara straightened his back, picked up the tea that was still steaming hot, and downed it in a single gulp. "I'll tell you if Naruto becomes your student, hm." With that, Deidara stood up and left. Leaving me confused about the ordeal.

~^~^~^~^~

Giving my report to the Hokage I stood in his office as he read up a month's worth of information. Sometimes he would chuckle at Deidara's expense with Daiki or the target post. But his face grew serious as he read Deidara's codes and what Pakkun told me.

"Two people in one, Kakashi?"

I nodded, "Yes, Pakkun didn't give much detail, only that his smell was unusual." I watch the Hokage's face grow grave and his age began to show.

"You… are dismissed, Kakashi. Deidara will be released from his cell and I will speak with him tomorrow." I bow and begin to leave, but not before I hear the Hokage weakly whisper to himself.

"Please don't be another Orochimaru…"

~^~^~^~^~

**Third-person POV**

In Amegakure in a tall tower, eight people stood in a room, some appearing as holograms, the rest were physical bodies. All of them were there for… more or less one reason.

A man whose body is half white, half black, with a venus fly trap attached to his body, spoke the reason, "Deidara is in Konoha. **He is trying to integrate himself into the village.** He's already taking care of the Kyuubi jinchuuriki."

Pein slowly blinked, not dumbly, but thoughtfully.

"He could still be persuaded to join the Akatsuki."

Kisame chuckled. "Maybe we should use Itachi to get him to join." He jokes harmlessly. "He could use his charm to win Deidara over, the kid did call Itachi cute." Though by the look his partner gave him, Itachi did not find this funny.

However, Hidan found this to be the joke of the year and promptly slumped over his partner while dying of laughter. "Kakuzu! Can you believe it! The fucker has an admirer and it's a dude. Shit, I can't breathe!" Itachi threw a kunai that lodged deeply into the Jashinist’s head. "Oi oi oi shithead! No need to be a pussy about it!"

Hidan soon found himself covered in kunai. No one was really sure when Itachi had moved though.

While Itachi may seem like he was annoyed by Kisame's constant joke. In reality, he was worried about his brother, Sasuke. If Deidara went to Konoha with the intent to do harm, he has the power to flatten the village with some training, his precious sibling could be killed.

However, if Deidara truly is there to help Konoha, and if his theory about the bomber is correct… then he may have another problem: Sasuke may not seek vengeance. Deidara had a look in his eyes that says he knows things he shouldn't.

Either way, he needs to speak to Deidara…

Alone.

And while this meeting was going on, now that the topic has swapped, a man with a single Sharingan eye watched from the shadows. The man blinked, his mind filled with the same thought as Itachi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: When I first produced this chapter, my friend wanted to kill me because this took up 14 pages on a doc. That was considered long when I first started writing... now it's my standard length. One of the perks about writing this fanfiction when I first started college was that it helped me keep up my stamina to write for long periods of time. I once took a class where a third of my classmates barely managed to get a page done before they were dying while I was on my 3rd page and still going.
> 
> Lesson of the day: If you're too afraid to post your own stories, don't be afraid to write them because they can be beneficial in the long run even if you can't see it right away.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto makes a friend.

**Deidara's POV**

Finally, one month had passed and I could leave that stupid cell. Kakashi escorted me out and took me to a small restaurant where Naruto was waiting outside. Despite my insistence that the village shouldn’t trust me yet, Kakashi left, claiming he had things to do. 

'I guess he wants to spend time at the memorial stone…' I thought to myself, guilt eating away my stomach like a festering parasite. I really want to tell him about Obito… but I'm not sure how he would take it. It’s not every day you hear that your dead best friend is not only alive but also a murderous bad guy. I'll have to wait and see…

Perhaps… if I become more open about my identity, then I'll tell him.

I ordered us some breakfast, and for the 20th time in my short existence had to explain why "ramen is not a healthy breakfast, hm." while at the same time missing having bacon and pancakes. Oh well, at least there are eggs.

Naruto dragged me straight to his apartment that was, thankfully, due to my influence, cleaner and homier. Dishes were either in cabinets or on the drying rack from last night’s meal. Clean clothes hung on the outside balcony to dry in the sun. But my favorite thing of all was the little fruit bowl on the table, filled with apples, pears, and some peaches. I'll have to buy a futon later today so I could sleep, for some reason this body hates regular mattresses. 

"Heheheh! This is great, dattebayo! You're staying with me, Deidara-nii!" 

I ruffled his hair, smirking at the shorter kid. Little did he realize that I planned on changing many of his habits and lifestyle choices for both his benefit… and mine as his caretaker. I will have a brother with good hygiene!

Soap shall exist in this apartment!

"Yes, but now you need to head to school." He began to whine but I cut him off with a "zip it" motion, silencing him instantly. "I have to speak with Hokage-sama about my restrictions being in the village. I'll hang out with you tonight, hm."

This doesn't stop Naruto from pouting, "Okay… but you'll begin my training soon right, dattebayo?" Well, considering I can finally hit that stupid post with weapons…

"Sure, hm." I had to cover my ears as I got a scream of excitement invading my cranium. I barely had enough time to register the fact that something was missing on Naruto’s person before the squirt hugged my waist then bolted out. Sitting on his table was the lunch I had made for him yesterday. 'Not again...' cupping my hands over my mouth I shouted out, "Naruto-kun YOUR BENT- oh, come on!" And he's gone… again. I really do not feel like chasing after him. 

'What a drag... I swear someone just sneezed...'

With a groan, I head over to the academy's gates and wait for someone I recognized. I’m still not allowed on academy grounds, but I _can_ talk to the students. At first, all I saw were background characters, faceless people who may become shinobi, but no one worth looking into for the time being.

Then, I saw the walking cinnamon roll.

Hyuuga Hinata.

With an internal evil laugh, I walked over, slipping on my gloves so I didn’t freak her out and called out to her. "Pardon me, Hyuuga-san?" The poor thing nearly passed out right then and there.

"Y-yes…?" Oh my god, she's doing the finger twiddle, I must not HUG!

"You're Naruto-kun's classmate right, hm?" I tilted my head in curiosity, 'Awwwww she turned red! Okay, calm yourself, Deidara. It’s just Hinata.'

"N-naruto-kun..?!" I nodded then held out the bento to her. Hinata looked at me, then the bento, then back at me with a confused expression. Her pearly white eyes reflected everything in front of her, so needless to say there was a lot of yellow.

"I'm his… older brother. My name is Deidara. He forgot his lunch and… well…" I knelt to her height and smiled softly. "I don't want to embarrass him, hm. Could you bring him his lunch for me?" My heart melted as she let out a small giggle in understanding. 'Stop being so damn cute, Hinata!'

She slowly started doing the timid turtle upon realizing this meant she would have to talk to Naruto. "W-well…" She gulped., "O-okay…" Timidly she took the bento and held it like it was the most precious thing to her. "O-oh! U-um… I uh…."

"Thank you. I must be off, it was nice meeting you, Hyuuga-san, hm." Straightening out my body, I began to walk off but stopped mid-step when a tiny voice shouted out to me.

"Hin….Hinata!"

Snapping my head over in shock, I saw a bright red Hinata trying to control her breathing. Finally, she looked at me with a bright smile that made her whole face glow.

"My name is Hinata... It's nice to meet you Deidara-san!" She then bowed and walked to the academy with a slight wobble to her step.

'She didn't stutter... Naruto, you better eat lunch with her. I'm going to kill that crush you have on Sakura, lock it up, and throw it in the deepest part of the ocean! You will not get your heart broken this time around!'

As I walked away, I ignored the brooding boy with the hair that looked like a duck's butt.

**Naruto's POV**

'Aww man, I forgot my lunch Deidara-nii made me! He's gonna kill me, or he'll show up and embarrass me in front of everyone! Sakura-chan will never like me after that! I'M DOOOOOOOOOMMMMEEEED-'

"N-Naruto-kun…?"

"Eh?" Looking over I saw that weird kid with the white eyes. Hinata I think is her name?

The girl gulped for some reason and held out a box wrapped in a light blue cloth, '… my bento?'

"Y-your b-brother a-a-asked me to give y-you your l-lunch." Hinata kept turning more and more red. Man is she _weird_. 

Rubbing the back of my head I awkwardly took the box, "Thanks?" 'Oooooooh maybe I should ask Sakura-chan to eat with me!'

Wait… I can’t...

_Deidara-nii was scolding me about forgetting my lunch again._

_"Honestly, next time you forget it I'm gonna show up to your class, hm."_

_I started to panic, flailing my arms in protest "No! It'll be embarrassing, dattebayo!"_

_Almost instantly, Nii-san began smirking. "Then if you forget it, I will have a classmate deliver it. As a thank you, I want you to share some of your bento with them, hm." He put his hands on his hips and leaned down to my height. Gah! Why is he taller than me! "I want you to make friends. Use this as your chance to do so…"_

Fine, Deidara-nii, we had a deal. "Neh… Hinata, right? Wanna have lunch with me, dattebayo?" Wow, her face changes color fast.

"L-lunch…?" Now she's doing some weird pushing motion with her finger. 'What's her problem?' I thought to myself, but nodded and grinned at her. "Yeah, Deidara-nii makes too much anyway. Whaddaya say?"

Hinata's starting to fall… "U-um… o-okay... " And then she fainted, I had to catch her before her face hit the desk and quickly sat her down next to me. I was gonna save that seat for Sakura-chan but… I did promise I would try to make friends. Even if she's a little strange.

~^~^~^~^~

A few hours later, Hinata finally woke up. I had to stop her from fainting again when I told her about lunch. Man, what's with her and fainting? Is she not eating enough? Deidara-nii fainted once because he didn’t eat breakfast so… maybe she’s hungry?

I took her to my usual spot and I opened the bento to see… foods I have never eaten before and… cinnamon rolls? Weird, Deidara-nii never gives me sweets. He even packed an extra set of... chopsticks?! Was this planned?! Can Deidara-nii predict the future?

Mumbling about how much of a pain Deidara-nii was, I split the lunch in half and gave it to Hinata, who replied with a "Thank you…" before we began to dig in.

"Y-your brother is a g-good… cook, N-Naruto-kun..."

"Huh? Ohf yhapf!" I swallowed my food. Hinata did another weird...er…. Giggle? Don’t know why she did that. "Deidara-nii makes the best food besides ramen! That goes to old man Teuchi from Ichiraku!"

Hinata began to shrink a little. "Ich...Ichiraku…?"

Don't tell me… 

"You've never had Ichiraku, dattebayo?!" Before Hinata could answer I continued, "Aww man kid, you haven't lived yet! After school, I'm taking you to Ichiraku to have ramen, dattebayo! I’ll show you good food!"

"Y… you… r-really?" Wow, she really doesn't get out much, huh?

I nodded with a grin. "Yeah!"

She timidly nodded then began eating a cinnamon roll. I had to admit, I liked that smile on her. Makes her look less weird and less like some kicked puppy.

"You have a nice smile, dattebayo! You should do that more often!"

And then she fainted. Mid-cinnamon roll.

"Eh…? Hinata?"

**Deidara's POV**

Walking into the Hokage's office, as we agreed, there is no one else in the room but Hiruzen. Even though we had an agreement before this visit, I'm going to make eavesdropping impossible.

"Hokage-sama." I politely bowed to a 75-degree angle, keeping my head low. "Shall we begin our conversation?" Straightening my back I saw gramps giving me a suspicious look… 'Oh hell no.'

Hiruzen quickly spammed hand signs, soundproofing the room. "You haven't caused any problems during the month besides. You have kept a clean record… almost too clean given your background."

I frowned, analyzing the face of this withered, old man. 'I dare you to claim that I'm just acting.'

"I can't help but wonder if this is all an act to let my guard down. Maybe sending you on a mission outside of Konoha will be too much…"

That's it!

"With all due respect Hokage-sama.” I started with a snarl, blood warming up my face as Hiruzen almost looked satisfied. “I followed your expectations to a T. I have not caused problems, stayed in my cell at night, and helped Naruto with his academy work… so, all I ask is for you to listen to what I have to say…" I took a breath. "Please, hm…" 

I'm just… so tired of all this, I want to get this over with and spend time with Naruto. I want to get this off my chest, so I have at least one ally that isn’t a child who cannot even hold a kunai properly.

Slowly, the suspicious look dropped and he motioned for me to continue.

Suddenly, it felt like a knot tied in my stomach. A million scenarios played in my mind as I tried not to listen to my instincts and escape out of the room. 'Here goes nothing, I'm going to die.'

"I am not Deidara, hm. I am a 19-year-old girl who died in her sleep and woke up in this body." I cringed at how fake this all sounded. Even Hiruzen didn't seem convinced. Could anyone really blame him? I’m talking about mid-life reincarnation! "Basically I was… reborn? In a way, hm? But I skipped the baby phase..? And um… uh… thank god for that?" I began to fidget again with a nervous laugh, rubbing the back of my neck then tugging most of my hair to be over my shoulder.

At first, Hiruzen didn't move, then slowly, he leaned forward. He frowned and his brow was furrowed, and he didn’t take his eyes off of my visible one. "If I am meant to believe you, why did you pick the path you are walking down right now? You had more freedom as a rogue shinobi."

I almost sighed with relief. At least he's not sending me to the looney bin. It doesn’t mean he believes me, this all had to be a test to find holes in my story. "I'm from another…" I struggled to find the right word. "Dimension? And in that dimension, this… world, its people, history, and way of life are all… manga. A very popular manga at that."

"How popular?"

How popular, you say? Well… "An entire generation grew up knowing the main character and his friends. We know just as much as the creator made, hm. Key historical events, secrets, and lies. Everyone's birthdays, blood-types, hobbies, and dreams are at the palm of our hands. Little of the past is known, but we know the future. I even grew up reading the series from beginning to end, hm."

Hiruzen quirked one of his brows and he tilted his head, rather expressive today, aren't we? "And who is the 'main character'?"

"Uzumaki Naruto, hm." Damnit why did I say that so quickly?! Hiruzen's chakra began to creep out threateningly, like it was reaching out to me with a promise of death. Shit, he's getting the wrong idea! "Wait! I'm not here to harm Naruto! I'm aware of how he was raised and I wanted to give him a better life because I'm a sucker for bad pasts and I'm extremely maternal, hm! I kept my hands up in the typical "Don't shoot" position and slowly, the chakra in the room died down. Phew. Dodged a bullet right there.

He rested his arms on the desk. "What proof do you have of the knowledge you supposedly possess then?" Oh goodie! Something any fan can answer!

"Uzumaki Naruto is the son of Uzumaki Kushina and Namikaze Minato, hm." I watched as Hiruzen's arm jerked in shock across his desk, knocking over stuff. Woohoo! Just the reaction I wanted.

Cracking my neck, I prepared the big guns.

"Uchiha Itachi was ordered to kill his entire clan because the Uchiha were going to stage a coup, hm." It took all of my self-control to not explode in anger.

My mind slowly crept over to the memories of Shisui's suicide, the massacre, Itachi killing his parents, Izumi having a botched death in the anime. All the pain one kid had to feel for the rest of his short life. "He cried as he drove a sword through his parents' bodies. And then cried again just before Sasuke passed out... When Itachi told him to get stronger and one day, to come and find him to get revenge."

I tilted my head to look at the ceiling so I didn’t have to look at Hiruzen. "Danzo ordered the clan's death, and in turn, Itachi threatened the village's safety if Sasuke is harmed, hm."

**Hiruzen's POV**

My pipe in my hand slowly slipped out of my grasp. When asking for proof I was expecting Naruto's parents to be revealed, I was… a bit surprised that an outsider figured it out long before the villagers. However, only four people in Konoha know the truth about the Uchiha massacre, excluding Itachi. But words can be passed down. Deidara could very well be a part of this “Akatsuki” group and Itachi fed him all of this information to gain my trust, thus letting him spy on Konoha for Itachi.

While I had no doubts Deidara means well for Naruto and the village... I needed physical proof.

"Do you have physical proof that you have knowledge of our world?" I was hoping to stump the blond, but no, instead he smiled. And not a cheery kind, it was a smile that was a mixture of "I have this all under control", "I win", and "You shouldn't have asked that~" All wrapped up with the terrifying glow of victory in his eyes. It was the smile of someone who thought they won a game of strategy.

"Do you know what Danzo has under his bandaged eye?" He questioned me. I said nothing and he continued. "You don't… well, you will learn. Have a Hyuuga you trust -Hiashi maybe- use their Byakugan on Danzo's covered eye and then have them tell you the color of chakra it is, hm."

'The color of chakra..?' "What do you mean color?"

Deidara's grin widened to nearly a physically impossible size but then pulled a disgusted face just as quickly. "Uchiha Shisui has green chakra, Danzo attacked and stole Shisui's eye. With it, he holds the power to manipulate others with a near-perfect genjutsu, hm." His grin dropped, and he crossed his arms. "If Shisui had his eyes... he could have stopped the Uchiha from wanting to commit a coup... but Danzo took them, hm."

I glared at this boy who would- these would be words of treason if Deidara was a Konoha shinobi. "You are making some very bold claim-"

"He also has several Sharingan implanted in his right arm, hm. But I am unsure if I can prove it or not without making him physically show his arm and…" Deidara gagged violently. "I'd rather not, hm. It's gross."

He schooled his emotions. “Danzo is a traitor to the village. Shisui committed suicide because of Danzo… and there is so much more. But I won’t damn him until you believe my words, and for you to believe me, you have to see the color of chakra his eye has, hm.”

I leaned back into my chair, suddenly feeling my age as the potential truth that was being placed before me. "What if you are wrong?" Again, that spine chilling grin formed. It's as if he knew I would lose.

"If I am wrong, I will formally apologize to Danzo, offer my services to him, and tell you everything I know about Orochimaru in detail, hm." So even if I did believe him, he would leave out some information. I have to admit that is a smart tactic.

"And if you are right?"

Without missing a beat, "Then you will provide me full permission to remove Shisui's eye from Danzo, dead or alive. You will also allow me to attempt to reunite the Uchiha brothers, hm."

"...”

"What? Were you expecting something like me having full autonomy in the village or access to classified information, hm?"

"I was actually… why would you bet everything just for Itachi?”

Deidara's smile dropped and he squirmed where he stood, biting his lower lip in thought, he soon pointed to himself. "Deidara was… and is my favorite character, ironic that I would never in a million years want to be him, hm." That nervous chuckle rang out again, Deidara also played with his hair when he’s nervous. "Itachi's my second favorite, and he deserved so much more than what he got in the timeline I had witnessed. Hiruzen, he's dying of an illness and is only keeping himself alive so Sasuke could kill him, hm." 

Itachi is ill? How could that evade the records for so long? We would have had records of that in the hospitals but he- Damn… Fugaku. Of course, he would keep everything about his prodigy of a son’s health under wraps.

I looked at the child sitting in front of me. He played a big game, but right now he was so small, like a child forced to grow up. Not surprising in the slightest. He was considered a jonin in Iwagakure by the time Konoha children are just graduating from the academy. And if Deidara was speaking the truth then… this wasn’t even the bomber from Iwagakure, but some civilian girl who would have no shinobi training.

"If you are not Deidara. Then who are you?" If it made him more comfortable, I'd like to know his true name. Inside that head is possibly a young woman who is struggling to adjust to a body completely different from her own. That is all a big _if_ at the moment, but making up a story this convoluted would take more courage than even the most trained of Anbu.

Deidara gave me a long stare before looking up at the ceiling again with an unfocused gaze.

"I'm no one, hm. I'm just Deidara now."

I felt my eyebrow subconsciously raise. He continued, "I died. I was given another life. I'm going to use the knowledge I have to change things for the better, hm. My old name is worthless here and I'd rather take it to my new grave, hm." A mature response. The knowledge of his past life would be too valuable, and the fewer who know it the better.

"Will… you be willing to tell me what would have happened without your existence? The story that you plan on changing?" If it turns out Deidara is telling the truth, then I need to be prepared to help him make these changes. A part of me almost hopes that he is lying.

Finally, a genuine grin evolved on his face as he relaxed in his chair. The expression matched Naruto whenever he talked about ramen or his dream to be Hokage, it's nothing but passion.

"I won’t tell you everything yet, but it all starts with Naruto's academy graduation, hm..."

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

After talking with the old man I had to shop for a futon and new outfits. For some reason, I just like wearing kimono shirts. So, I ended up buying several of the same outfits young Deidara wore but with various colors. Later on, when I'm older, I'll start dressing similar to Shippuden Deidara; his clothes looked pretty comfy even though fishnet looks itchy in general. I also got Naruto a few new shirts as his old ones weren't fitting him right and white is not his color.

My mission begins tomorrow and I'll be with two jonin that I met not long after the meeting, a man and a woman but their names escape me. The mission will be three days and I’m there as their defense. It felt so good to have my chakra back. The seal now only had 50% of my reserves sealed away, an exponentially larger amount of chakra compared to the academy level I was stuck with originally.

Back at Naruto's apartment, I made myself a little dinner after pre-making some lunches for Naruto. He can cook his own breakfast and dinner just fine but if I gave him free will of his bento, he'd just take instant ramen. Speaking of ramen, I saw Naruto in Ichiraku's with someone but I didn't see who, so the odds of him being hungry were slim to none.

My mind wandered to the conversation I had with the Hokage. I had told him up to the beginning of Shippuden with the promise of more information later. In return, he would investigate Danzo. He honestly took the news of his own death fairly well, but not so much Orochimaru giving Sasuke the curse hickey. I wouldn't be so keen knowing my student did stuff like that either, I'll need to think of a way to prevent that from happening.

Oh well, I have time.

"I'm home, dattebayo!"

Looking up from my rice I grinned at my new baby brother. Heh, baby brother, never would I have imagined being an older sibling. "Welcome home, Naruto-kun!" Maybe I should drop the “kun” soon, I sound like Hinata. "So, anything new happened today, hm?" I took a bite of my fish and Naruto sat across from me.

Naruto blinked then lowered his head, and quietly said, "Yeah…" Okay, who do I have to kill?

Suddenly, he shot his head up at me and beamed a bright smile. "I made a new friend, dattebayo!"

… Okay, who do I have to hug?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, now Hiruzen knows about Deidara, there's a lot the guy still doesn't know but you can't exactly play all of the cards in your hands at once.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deidara's first mission outside of Konoha had some... interesting results.

I ended up waking really freaking early the next morning. This always happens. If nothing goes on I will wake up around… 8 or 9 in the morning. But, if there is a time… well… Begrudgingly, I turn my head to look at the kitchen clock. My mission begins at 8…

5 A.M. on the dot.

" _ Fuck me sideways… _ " I started to develop the habit of cursing in English. Naruto was beginning to copy what I said -something about sounding "cool"- so if he's gonna cuss he might as well not get caught!

Rolling out of my nice warm futon, I slipped on a shirt and stood up with a groan. I could see why men sleep shirtless since the fluffy blanket felt comfier with fewer clothes on. But I wore shirts when I'm awake for one simple matter: No one knew about Deidara's chest mouth. I'm keeping it that way.

The fewer people know about C0, the safer I'll be in the long run. That and Naruto asks too many questions about my hands already.

I took a moment to examine my surroundings. Well for one, the floor was cold as hell. ‘Haha… cold… hell… I'm funny when I'm tired.' 

Besides the cold floor, the apartment looked just like how Kishimoto designed it, with a few touches from yours truly. My futon laid between the front entrance and Naruto's bedroom. After a month of having white porcelain masks staring at me while I sleep, I've turned into a paranoid asshole. If someone wanted to sneak in, I've become a light sleeper with spidey senses. Don't care; you sneak into my home when I have a kid in the other room… you gonna die, bud. I sleep with a kunai under my pillow and my clay pouch under my blanket. 

I'm tempted to put a warning sign on the front door so I don't accidentally stab an unsuspecting shinobi or delivery boy.

Putting the futon away I quickly checked on Naruto, who was tangled in his sheets snoozing away. Knowing this will hurt his back I got him into a better sleeping position and re-covered him in his blankets. With a fond smile and a quick kiss to his temple, I retreated to our shared bathroom to shower.

As I let the hot water do its magic, I went through a list of what I needed to bring. "Hmmm.. clay, clothes, some money, my premade C1s but not too many, hm. Just enough for a diversion…" It's amazing how fast I’ve adapted to this new life.

My thoughts become somber, I've been in this world for a month now.

'I wonder how my friends and family are doing… How long has time passed back home? What about-' I macked myself to get those thoughts out of my head. 'You're dead in that world woman,  _ dead _ ! You have a second chance and you will not dwell on the past longer than needed. You will not worry about what everyone else is doing and you’ll focus on the child sleeping in the other room!'

I quickly got out and dried off, not trusting the chances of more shower thoughts penetrating my mind. Putting on a dark blue kimono top with some grey pants, I packed what I needed for the mission. Sighing in satisfaction, I pulled out a mahogany red ribbon and spent a good fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to do Deidara’s signature high-pony. Well, 30 lost strands of hair later, I finally had it up.. This world has no logic, I still look like I have a full head of hair if you were to cut off the ponytail.

Nodding with satisfaction, I left a note for Naruto and headed out, planning to eat out for the morning. I still have a while before the mission began, so I might as well enjoy some peace and quiet.

~^~^~^~^~

I spy with my little eye… something beginning with the letter "T". If you guessed "Trees" you are correct! You now understand how absolutely  _ bored _ I was!

I thought shinobi hopping from tree to tree was the coolest thing ever. But after two hours of non-stop hopping, the mystical factor died quicker than an extra on Game of Thrones but without the grandeur.

My teammates are no help either. The male jonin, turns out his name is Yuu, was so serious that he should sign up for Anbu. He has not said a word the last three hours and has kept a blank expression this entire time.

The female jonin's name was Kana, and she was as bland as a female protagonist in a reverse harem anime. I understand these are background characters, but did I really have to be partnered with two walking cardboard boxes?

Why yes, yes I did. I really need to start seeing these people as actual people, but I need something to work with first.

I began to mess with some clay. I need  _ something _ to do. I'm defense, meaning I'm literally here to make sure these two piles of bore stay alive. A voice in the back of my mind, the reasonable side, tried to understand their predicament. They were effectively babysitting an 11-year-old, my chakra may be back up to a chunin level, but I am a kid in this body. On top of that I was an S-rank wanted criminal -still am in most countries- just a few weeks ago with jutsu that could flatten Konoha in just a few years. They’re probably assessing everything I do.

Doesn’t stop the fact that I could fall asleep mid-tree hop and find that more entertaining… Kami I miss my adult brain.

'Legs… body… neck… head… wait.' I did a double-take on what I made. At first, I just stared at my creation baffled. Out of pure boredom, I made the perfect land animal to ride on. How fast can it run?

My inner gamer geek went wild with joy at the prospect. Dropping it to the ground I let it land with a  _ poof _ and hopped on.

'Awww yeah!'

~^~^~^~^~

Kana quickly looked over her shoulder, saw that I'm not behind them, and looked at Yuu in alarm. "Deidara's missing!"

"What?!" Yuu finally spoke the first time the entire mission. He also checked over his shoulder and stopped in his tracks, Kana doing the same, "Where did he-"

"I'M ON A CHOCOBO BITCHES, HM!"

Neither one had time to register the gleeful cheer as a mass of white feathers sprinted past underneath them.

Hell yeah, I made a Chocobo from the Final Fantasy series!

It was fast… Too fast actually, looking behind me, and my poor teammates were unable to keep up, getting smaller and smaller as each second passed. Feeling pity for them, I made another Chocobo. "Hop on the bird, hm!" Thank Kami they listened with only minor hesitation. 

Now they can enjoy the wonders of Chocobo racing.

Now, I just need the theme music and the day would have been perfect. 

~^~^~^~^~

**Hiruzen's POV**

A soft knock on the door turned my attention away from the dreadful paperwork. "Enter."

"You requested my assistance, Hokage-sama?" Hyuuga Hiashi entered my office with an emotionless mask, but I can tell he was curious. It's not every day I call the head of a clan over to do me a favor.

I sighed, contemplating using my pipe but went against it in respect for Hiashi. "Yes… it involves Danzo." I watched as the smallest trace of disgust danced across Hiashi's face. After my conversation with Deidara, I was beginning to notice subtle reactions to my words. A twitch of the fingers, a faint frown. Small things that I have grown numb to with age now seem new to me.

"I request you discreetly use your Byakugan on Danzo... and tell me the chakra color of his bandaged eye. He should be in his usual room."

Hiashi only stared at me for the longest time. After Deidara mentioned how much time is spent with people just standing around and thinking, I am beginning to notice it too. “Inner monologuing” as Deidara had put it. Eventually, the Hyuuga head spoke.

"Very well. But when I return you must answer my questions." With a nod of agreement from me, Hiashi calmly leaves the office, closing the door behind him.

Each minute waiting for Hiashi to return felt like an eternity. Pacing in my office, by the time ten minutes have passed, my anxiety began to take over as I am having sudden regret. I am putting my trust in a stranger to determine the fate of my oldest friend. Granted, the Uchiha massacre  _ was _ under his orders and I have since shut down his movements… but wasn’t it wrong to put your faith on an outsider over your own comrades?

If Deidara was right, Danzo may be facing a death sentence for his crimes. I saw the hatred in that boy's eyes, worse than even the most war-torn shinobi. I felt so much killing intent radiating from his body that I could almost see how he plans on killing Danzo. Slow and painful. All he wanted was Uchiha Shisui's eye, so if my friend cooperates he may live… but Danzo is stubborn, he would not roll over for a child's demands.

Then there is the matter of the Uchiha brothers. Deidara wished to reunite them, but how? I am left in the dark regarding his plans. But I am guessing it has something to do with Shisui's eye.

My thoughts were interrupted when Hiashi returned, I didn't like the frustrated look on the usually stoic man's face.

"The chakra in his eye is green. There is also a foreign chakra on his right shoulder and seals on his right arm. I am unable to see what he is hiding there… Hokage-sama?"

I collapsed into my chair mid-report. All my head seemed to repeat was 'He was right…' over and over again in an almost maddening chant. Danzo was responsible for the death of Uchiha Shisui, the awakening of Itachi's Mangekyo Sharingan, and is the one who ordered genocide. Just what else had Danzo done behind my back? Did he… did he commit more crimes outside of the village?

"Hokage-sama?"

I lifted my head at the man before me. Right… his questions. "We had an agreement. Ask away…"

Hiashi hesitated for a moment, then hid it behind a stone mask, "Who told you about chakra colors? That is a clan secret of the Byakugan that we do not tell our own branch members until they either discover it first or are chunin."

"Are you familiar with Deidara?" Was my immediate response. The boy requested Hiashi, so he should be willing to explain everything.

He nodded, "Ko informed me that Deidara talked with Hinata outside of the academy. Asking her to deliver lunch to someone, but he was unable to hear who."

'Hinata? Deidara is already making his move, huh?' With a grave nod, "Deidara is the one you want to speak with. He is on a mission and will return in three days. He lives with Uzumaki Naruto."

"The Kyuubi vessel?" Hiashi's eyebrow rose in question. The Hyuuga clan tolerated Naruto, but that's about it.

"Indeed. You can speak to him when he returns… ah… a fair warning… he is expressive." 

Without another word, Hiashi bowed and left.

I leaned back and stare at the ceiling. 'Deidara… a deal's a deal… don't make me regret this… please.'

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

'Kusagakure is… grassy. Huh, who would have thought? The village literally titled "Hidden in the Grass" was grassy! What a coincidence.'

Okay, sarcasm aside, using the Chocobos took a fraction of the time to get there than expected. Then again, when you have large birds going 140 km an hour, in a linear path, you'd have to be a complete moron to try and stop them... R.I.P. bandits from 15 minutes ago.

I had made the birds shrink back into figurines once we got to the village. As much as I WANT to scare the crap out of these guys, I just can't… yet.

We met our client, an ambassador hoping to strengthen the bonds between Kusa and Konoha, I guess. He seemed pleased that we arrived ahead of schedule. So I am to assume I am on either an A-rank or S-rank mission then? I dunno, I'm just pretending to be the uninterested pre-teen, who's more focused on his dango than the conversation. Which… I am. I hate politics. 'Damn these are good, no wonder Itachi will literally pout if someone eats dango in front of him!'

"Deidara-chan, you can go explore the village. Just don't cause trouble." Ms. Snooze- I mean Kana giggled out.

I had to suppress a glare, 'Okay lady, I don't mind the "chan" as I am mentally a girl. But if you talk to me like I'm a little kid again I'M GONNA- Gah even thinking about her death bores me.' Standing up I trudged off muttering in English.

" _ Stupid background characters, stupid mission, stupid 'Just don't cause trouble teehee' stupid- oh my god I need that in my life! _ " I halted at a store, making the shop owner shriek at my sudden foreign tongue being aimed at his shop.

Inside that little shop had something I never realized I needed until now.

A handmade, red and gold Japanese wallet, with a Maneki Neko on it! Oh my Kami, it's so cuuuute!

I practically bounced over to the shop owner and bought the wallet without hesitation. The poor lady was so confused but didn't argue as I handed her the Ryo.

Next, I went to a weapons shop and bought a set of kunai and shuriken, along with a care kit for Naruto. I want him to develop the habit of caring for his weapons. Also, his current set of weapons sucked, so these will be nice replacements!

Seeing as how conversations for politics can last  _ hours _ , I quickly went to them to interrupt the whole thing. At first, the ambassador looked peeved but realizing that I'm "just a kid" he lets it slide. Sometimes it can pay to be a kid… as long as no one talks about it… I'm looking at you Ms. Snooze.

"Kana-san, Yuu-san here." I handed them a frog and a bird sculpture. "Just in case something happens while I train outside the village, hm. If the bird moves, that means you need to stay in your general location. If the frog moves, it means I am facing an opponent that I am struggling against and need your help, hm."

Kana simply smiled, "Alright Deidara-chan. Be good!" You little…

Before I could explode with anger, I rushed outside of the village. Best to stay away from them.

Though, the farther I was from the village, the louder my gut was screaming at me to return. I chose to ignore it. To calm my nerves, I began to quietly sing some Disney songs to myself as I entered a more forested area. Singing always helped calm my nerves, helped that no one was there to hear me get used to Deidara’s freakishly baritone voice… or was it bass?

" _ Poor unfortunate souls, in pain, in- _ "

"HELLO!"

I all but jumped out of my skin as I let out a manly -cough- not manly -cough- scream. Clutching my fist over my pounding heart, I began to slowly go into the fetal position as my muscles were in pain from the sudden movement. I think I pulled something.

"Gah! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare ya, kid. Here, let me help!" A gloved hand clutched under my arm and practically yanked me to my feet.

'That voice… that hand…' All brain functions ended as I'm being gently turned to face the all-too-familiar voice. I should know, he was almost always in the same scenes as Deidara.

Looking up, I’m faced with a tall man… a tall man with an orange mask.

Tobi, also known as Uchiha Obito.

You know that feeling you get when you're extremely stressed? The "I need to vomit, NOW" feeling? That was me right now.

I've played a million scenarios in my head the past month. Things I would do and say to different chara-... people from this world. Tobi was a common thought. Make fun of his mask, joke around, or just flat out throw bombs and run away. In having to choose fight, flight, or freeze I had planned on fighting or fleeing when I would meet him.

But instead, my body chose to freeze.

'I'm going to die, I'm going to die, I'm going to die. Runawayrunawayrunaway RUN!' I couldn't move. My body  _ wouldn’t _ move.

Tobi tilted his head, in a way as if he was saying "Something wrong Deidara? Go on, I dare you to say something stupid." But he didn't need to say that. His body language spoke it all.

"Cat got your tongue?" The bastard had the nerve to chuckle.

I gulped, "N-no… J-just s-startled, hm." I finally had the nerve to yank my arm away, rubbing it slightly due to Tobi's vice grip.

"Ah, sorry about that!" Tobi flails his arms childishly, "My names-"

"Obito…" Shit… I did not just say that! I DID NOT JUST SAY THAT! Why did I say that?!

Tobi stood still, his aura darkening. "Come again?" His voice dropped an octave. 

'Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-'

"N-nothing! J-just a name of s-someone I knew back in my hometown, hm." 'Damnit, woman, you are better at bullshitting! If you can't handle Tobi, how the flying fuck can you face Orochimaru?! Oh, wait, because you see Orochimaru as a joke. This guy is an actual threat in your eyes!'

His voice returned to normal as his fist connected with his palm in an "I understand now" motion, "Oooooh I get it! Anyway, my name is Tobi! I'm part of the Akatsuki… well, I'm kinda a newbie." He rubbed the back of his head with a fake, nervous laugh. Damn, this guy had an entire fanbase fooled for years?

I took a deep breath, 'It's okay. You're still alive. He just wants to try to recruit you.' "Y-yeah, hm?" One of my hands buried itself in my clay pouch, feeding the mouth with clay as I focused a large quantity of chakra into it.

He nodded vigorously, "Uh-huh! And I'm here on orders by our leader to recruit you, so what do you say? It's a super cool group where you can become strong!" His hand met my hair and ruffled it, my ponytail in between his thumb and pointer. He's going to grab it if I don't move!

Trying to act like an annoyed teen, I swatted his hand away with a pout "I'm…" I breathed again, slowly calming down "Not a kid. And I'm not going to join either. I already said no to your senior members so why would I say yes to a newbie in a mask?."

Obviously, he didn't like the response. His emotions were rather obvious as I could hear his Sharingan activate. No, not feel, I  _ heard _ his Sharingan activate! This goddamn world kept all their sound effects so his eye made that "shing" noise!

I need to get back to my teammates. Screw boring political talk, screw bland background characters, I don't feel safe right now. I'd rather be bored and safe than in this situation.

Taking a cautious step back, my hand that was eating clay grabs the other pouch that has my premade C1. Pulling one of them out, my body began to turn to make a run for it, "Leave me al-"

Suddenly, one of his hands wraps around my throat in a tight squeeze. My feet were slowly being lifted off the ground with black spots dancing across my vision as I'm forced to look at his Sharingan through his eyehole.

The iconic deep voice rang out from behind that stupid lollipop face, no longer was Tobi talking, it's Obito's turn now. "I don't really care how you know my name. But I want you to tell me what else you know, Deidara… or, is that actually your name?"

'Does he know?! How does he know- goddamnit don't tell me I'm here because of fucking Kaguya or Madara?! I will not play their fucking game!' I began flailing my legs, trying to kick something!

“Let’s talk somewhere private.”

'Can't breathe! Need to get away! Awayawayawayaway _ away _ !  _ USE YOUR KEKKEI GENKAI _ !'

Using what little air I had left, I whispered the only thing that could save me in this situation, dropping both my arms. "K...Katsu…"

I activated 15 C1s at once by dropping my pouch of pre-made bombs. Forcing Obito to use his ghost technique instead of his teleporter and the blast sent me flying backwards, allowing me to get away. Of course, if he ran, I wouldn't be able to outpace him.

But that's what Chocobos are for, flying would be a waste of time and chakra. Before I even got into the village I quickly tried to dispel any genjutsu. Thankfully, it seems like there are none. I don't think Obito has ever used genjutsu besides Izanagi, he's a sensor type after all.

I managed to reach Kana and Yuu in a relatively short amount of time, nearly trampling some people, but I didn't care. Kana was the first to react, catching me as I rolled off the bird.

"Deidara-chan?! What happened?! You're all burnt! And what's with the handprint on your throat?!" Eh? Looking down at myself, my arms and legs were bleeding from the burns my explosions caused. Part of my shirt was destroyed and I could see my stomach was also damaged, at least it wasn't near my chest. I guess I was too close to the blasts after all… that was a stupid assumption, of course, I was too close. It was either the risk of choking or massive burns. I took the burns. At least I got away from Obito.

"A...ambushed… K-killed and got… away..." Was all I could lie before my adrenaline wore off, and the searing pain took over, causing my body and mind to shut down.

I blacked out in Kana's arms.

~^~^~^~^~

I woke up to three things. First was the constant bouncing motion of my scenery in front of me; guess I am on my Chocobo. The second was that Kana was holding me close as she controlled my sculpture, trying to keep it going at a relatively slow trot. Finally, was the agony my body felt from the shoulder-down. I was sore as I tried to twitch my finger, only to realize that I'm bandaged up so tightly that I'm all but immobile. I don't think you're supposed to tend to burns like this…

I must have made some noise of discomfort as a hand gently pets my loose hair… my ponytail is undone… how long have I been out..?

As if sensing my question Kanan spoke in a low murmur. "You've been asleep for almost 12 hours Deidara-chan… Yuu went on ahead to report to Hokage-sama while I bandaged you up. I'd say you did a pretty good job, the mission was a success and you did protect us from bandits yesterday." That was my birds doing, not me.

All I could muster was a quiet nod despite the tightness around my neck and allowed Kana's chakra to lull me back to sleep. 

Maybe letting people treat me like a kid isn't such a bad thing after all…

~^~^~^~^~

When I woke up again, I was in a hospital bed with a medic healing my burns. I tried to get up but was pushed back down.

"You're still injured, Deidara-san. Don't move."

I chose not to argue with the single person that could make my healing either a breeze or a living hell.

The only sound in the room was the medic muttering about how my burns were not properly treated. Guess some blisters broke at some point during Kana's treatment. But the medic mentioned that the burns weren’t as bad as she expected, as long as I kept applying medicine, I shouldn't get scars. A small miracle with all things considered.

Thirty minutes of cleaning, and bandaging later the medic left, and in his place was Hiruzen. The old man was looking at the numerous bandages and just... the overall state of my appearance with his mouth in a grim line.

"The Akatsuki sent their leader, hm." Not a lie, but vague enough to not give away information. "The burns are my fault… I needed to get out of his grip…"

"That was reckless behavior. You should have stayed with your jonin teammates." Hiruzen attempted to scold me, but guess what? I'm not gonna take it.

"They would have been  _ killed _ if they faced him… I only managed to live because they want me to join and…" I stopped mid growling and looked away. That was all he needed.

Hiruzen gave me a calculating stare, "Do they know?" I just nodded. "How?"

"Dunno... I have my theories but nothing is set in stone. I don’t even know if they do know about me. They might just know that I have critical information that they don’t want to leak out, hm." I wanted to change the subject. The idea of Obito knowing who I am didn’t settle well in my stomach. "So… our deal?"

Hiruzen, obviously, didn't appreciate my changing of subjects, but he doesn't argue against it. In fact, he just let his eyes answer my question. Heavy eyes with dark rims, every blink looked painful or at most, dry, like he wasn’t drinking enough water. I almost felt bad. His teachers… most of his generation… his students, all are either dead, abandoned the village, or they are plotting behind his back.

But then I remembered Danzo, and my sympathy was quickly crushed.

"I was right, huh?" All he could do was nod his head. I didn't gloat or brag but instead let him have his moment with his thoughts. He deserved that at least. "I won't take his eye yet. I'm not strong enough. You have until Naruto graduates the academy to make your peace with him, hm." As much as I hated Danzo and wanted him dead as quickly as possible, I love Hiruzen and his grandfatherly care for his village, so the bastard gets to live a few more years.

Besides, I need to learn how to preserve Shisui's eye. The last thing I want to do is implant it in myself to keep it safe. Sharingans are cool, but no way in the seven hells would I want one.

Hiruzen’s posture relaxed and he sighed. He realized that he had time to make things better, even if in the end the outcome stays the same. 

"Alright, I'll allow you to train wherever you see fit. However, on missions, you are forbidden to be alone for any reason."

"Fair enough, hm."

He begins to leave, but stops at the door, "Hiashi… will want to meet you tomorrow. I won't tell Naruto that you're back yet. You're a day ahead of schedule, and can assume you don't want him to see you like this." With that, he left.

I groaned, wishing I could sleep but I'm too awake. It took me a few minutes to remember that I still have clay in one of my palm mouths. Or… at least I should.

Spitting out the large lump of earth with a "bleh" I had to stop a gag at the noise. 'Deidara, I love you but your jutsu still grosses me out.' I clasped my other hand over it, letting my body move on its own. I never know what I'm going make and no matter how many times I make these sculptures, I've never understood how I could make them. 

Opening my hand I had to cover my mouth to stop a hysterical burst of laughter. Oh, the irony of it all!

If Obito hadn't grabbed my throat, I would have used a C2 dragon against him.

~^~^~^~^~

**Side story #1: Hiashi**

Something is poking my arm… Something is POKING MY BURNT ARM AND IT HURTS!

" _ OW MOTHERFUCK-  _ Oh… good morning, Hyuuga-san." Hovering over my bed was a branch member Hyuuga, the poor guy looked like he just saw the Grudge.

He gulped, obviously never getting any warnings about how I can change my voice fairly quickly. "H...Hiashi-sama..." He coughs and regains his composure. "Hiashi-sama asked that I bring you to the estate to discuss some things." Without warning, the man scooped me up. In the process, I saw a clock saying 6 A.M. ...Jesus fucking Christ on a pogo stick, what is with these guys and waking up early?

Now, I have a few problems with this. For one thing, I just hate being off the ground. I preferred to keep my feet on solid surfaces as it gives me a sense of balance and free will.

The other reason?

I'm in a yukata being carried bridal style.

I may mentally be a girl, but I'm anything but girly. I'm that villain rooting, wearing jeans and T-shirts while calling my friends "dude" kind of girl. I have my girly moments, but in general, I hated the idea of being treated like some dainty princess. And right now, I feel like I'm being treated like a fucking dainty princess. And I'm a boy now to boot! If I want to be treated like a princess, it's because  _ I'm _ treating myself like a princess!

"Gah! Put me down, I can walk, hm!" Too late, he's already roof hopping.

He only sat me down when we reached the Hyuuga estate, and more importantly some really empty as hell room with Hiashi sitting in the far, far back like it was normal. Great, he saw me being carried like some child, and I looked like a mummy in a robe. Love the first impressions.

The background Hyuuga left without a word and I found myself automatically sitting on a pillow-seat-thingy. Damnit, what's with these guys and being intimidating?!

The room was painfully quiet, I couldn't even bring myself to make a sassy remark. But apparently, the universe loves ice breakers.

I shivered.

Now, that may not seem so bad if it was a normal shiver. But somehow MY shivers got transferred to Deidara. Meaning it was a violent jerk of my upper body while I let out a sudden squeak. My best friend in my past life always jumped whenever these happened, worried that I may have started to have a seizure. Sadly, Hiashi seemed to have developed the same concerned expression. I swear I'm okay!

"Don't mind that, hm. It's normal!" Maybe it's Hiashi just being a dad, but that didn't seem to comfort him. Hopefully, with my influence, I can get him to be that happy grandpa like character during the Boruto arc.

"You wanted to see me, hm?"

Hiashi blinked, momentarily stunned with his expression uncharismatically youthful with shock. But just as quickly as it arrived, it fled. "Hokage-sama had me use my Byakugan on Danzo-sama. When I questioned him, he told me to question you instead. Care to explain why? How do you know about the Byakugan's abilities?"

I had opened my mouth, then promptly closed it. Oh boy… How do I explain this to  _ Hiashi _ ? It's not like I can go the whole "This is a manga!" route because who knows how the clan would act towards me. So, I decided to poke at a clan secret. Make him think I just have a weird kekkei genkai.

"Kumogakure demanded your head after you killed the ambassador that tried to kidnap Hinata-chan, hm. The elders decided to use your twin brother, Hizashi, as he is a branch member. When you tried to argue, your brother hit you in the gut with a Gentle Fist and told you that he was doing this to protect you, the village, and to pick his own fate for once in his life, hm."

Hiashi looked like he just met the Ghost of Christmas Past. He didn't accuse Hiruzen of telling me this, he couldn't accuse me of spying as someone would have seen me. He just sat there… like he was accepting my words at face value. A nice change of pace honestly.

"What are you planning, boy? You are targeting Danzo, a councilman, and I could kill you now for knowing too much about the inner clan politics."

I tilted my head, somewhat stiffly, but I never break eye contact, "I know things that if left alone will happen, and I am here to change what I can. You must be wondering what the Hyuuga clan has anything to do with this, huh?"

"Yes actually, I wanted to know why you spoke with Hi-"

"Neji is killed protecting her, he died before he could reach 18, hm." I interrupted him abruptly, I want Hinata to be strong, to be confident… but most of all I want that bullshit death of Neji's to never. Happen.  _ Ever _ ! Kishimoto kept killing off wonderful characters just because they weren’t the main ones, and wrote himself into a corner as a result… I’m going to change that.

Haishi’s shoulders squared into tense muscles and his jaw clenched tight. With each sharp breath, I found myself unable to even question or blame his change in posture. His nephew gets killed before he even reaches his prime. I would be pissed off too… oh wait, I am.

He glared at me, Byakugan activated, "So you’re trying to tell me you know the future?"

Whoa, no need to intimidate me! I'll talk. "A future, hm. One that I am not happy with, so I want to change the timeline. What I am proposing Hiashi, is to help both your heir keep her title and not lose it to her little sister, but to also keep your nephew alive."

"... I'm listening. Speak." He is so demanding.

But oh, how I love the smell of change in the air. "Let me train Hinata in her confidence. I won't go near her taijutsu or actual training. And you need to speak with Neji. It's time you fulfilled your twin brother's dying wish, hm."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Chocobo was something I had Deidara make because I wanted something fast but also something that no one in that world would know what it was. Also, if you're sitting there and scratching your head as to why Deidara would do something as stupid as say Obito's name... er... well when I was a teenager I had a habit of blurting out what was on my mind, even if it wasn't the right time to say it.


	8. Chapter 8

It's dark. I can't tell if I'm going forward, or even in a straight line. I'm just… walking in an endless corridor of darkness.

I could see a figure in the distance. Black and red, at first I couldn't make out who it was. But as I got closer the figure became more clear.

Itachi was standing with his back facing me.

"Itachi?" I called out in confusion, was this a genjutsu? It can't be, I haven't seen Itachi since the first day I came to this world. It must be a dream… I kinda like this. "Hey, Itachi! How's it- No..." I screamed when he turned to face me, backing away from him. How is this possible?!

Itachi was smiling at me, but he didn't have eyes. Instead, there were two empty black holes void of any blood or life.

My breath got caught in my throat as logic and reasoning began to leave my mind. Why is he missing his eyes?! If this is a dream… why would my mind cook up something like this?!

Itachi tilted his head and spoke, "Thank you for taking care of Sasuke." Before turning into a murder of eyeless crows, flying off into the darkness.

'Taking care of Sasuke? I haven't even met him yet!' Was my only thought when a ray of light shone down on a spot. Another figure stepped into it.

It was Naruto, older and in his black and orange Shippuden jacket… Only he wasn't greeting me with a smile. His eyes were thick with tears as his face read betrayal. He was battered and bruised, like he was just through a rough fight, and lost.

"Deidara-nii… why, dattebayo?"

"What are you talking about, hm?" My legs began walking towards Naruto, but something stopped me. A set of muscular arms hook under my arms, lifting me off the ground like a doll, the person's fingers locking together in my hair, preventing me from turning my head on my own. Said hands add pressure to my head, forcing me to look down at myself. 

'No… no no no NO!'

I'm in the Akatsuki coat. Ring, nail polish, the whole combo.

The hands made me look back at Naruto and the scene transformed. No longer was it the dark corridor, but a cave. A cave with the Gedo statue in the back, figures standing on its fingers. Naruto was unconscious as he begins to float. This was too familiar, it was too similar to when Gaara lost Shukaku.

"I must thank you Deidara." The person holding me whispers into my ear… it was Obito…

'No…'

"You wanted to change the timeline and you did."

'No…'

"We were able to capture the Kyuubi this time. All because you agreed to join us."

'Why would I..?'

"I should also thank you for Shisui's eye. It was so easy to make you think it was Itachi you were giving it to."

'Shisui's eye… when did..?'

"You succeeded in changing the timeline, but failed to protect those that you wanted to save."

"No… no this is just-"

"A bad dream, Deidara? Then why can I do this?" A sickening snap was heard from my body and I let out a painful wail. My shoulders were dislocated. My arms burned as though they were on fire yet they dangled uselessly in Obito's grip. Why was the pain so familiar?

Obito vanished and I collapsed onto the ground, but all I saw was Naruto floating in that ball of chakra as Kurama was being extracted from his body.

"NARUTO!" I forced myself up, I'm running. Running, trying to get to him, but everything seemed to be in slow motion. Before I could reach him, two white arms wrapped around me, and silver hair blew past me as the person stopped, like they had rushed towards me and came to a sudden halt.

Otsutsuki Kaguya was in my head.

"It's alright child…" Kaguya pulled me into a loving embrace, holding my head close to her heart where I heard no heartbeat. "You did your best… but the outcome will always be the same… everyone will return to the great tree…"

" _Wake up…"_ Whose voice was that?

"You provided great entertainment for me… and now you deserve your reward… perhaps a happy world free from pain..." The chakra ball vanishes and Naruto's body collapses to the ground. The Gedo statue began to move.

"NARUTO! LET ME GO, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" My body wouldn’t move. I wouldn’t get away.

Black Zetsu appeared before me and forced me to look up. The moon of the Infinite Tsukuyomi entered my line of vision.

" _Please wake up!"_

"Just relax, my dear…"

" _You're having a nightmare! Wake up!"_

Kaguya and Zetsu spoke at once "A **n** d **s** l **e** e **p…** "

" _DEIDARA-NII!"_

My vision went white.

~^~^~^~^~

**Naruto's POV**

"NARUTO!" My eyes opened at the sound of Nii-san screaming my name, well he's just screaming in general. Thinking I'm late for school I scrambled out of bed, only to notice that it was still dark… I could even see the moon still!

"Why is Deidara-nii screaming then, dattebayo…?" I tiptoed out of my room. Nii-san is a light sleeper and wakes up the moment I get out of bed. But poking my head out of my room, I looked down at his bed.

He's flailing in his sleep, whimpering out "no" over and over. His bandages came loose and I saw his arms, burnt and damaged behind the white cloth. The thrashing seems to be causing him pain…

'What happened to Nii-san on his mission?'

I tried to shake him awake, "Wake up."

Instead of waking up, Deidara-nii screams "NARUTO! LET ME GO, YOU FUCKING BITCH!" and tried to throw a punch near my head. I fell backwards and his hand just barely missed my nose.

I'm scared. Nii-san doesn't talk in his sleep, he doesn't move in his sleep, he sleeps like a log!

"Please wake up!"

Nii-san went still as tears rolled down his face, he seemed to be looking up at something. His neck was curved.

"You're having a nightmare! Wake up!"

Nii-san just lets out a choked sob. I get close to his ear and yell.

"DEIDARA-NII!"

He woke up, shooting up in a sitting position. I watched him look at his hands, breathing heavily. I've never seen him so afraid.

"J-just a dream… just a dream, hm…"

"Deidara-nii?"

Nii-san turned his head towards me, tears well up in his eyes as I am yanked into his lap and he wraps his arms around me in a hug. His hands clutch onto my pajamas as his face buries itself into my hair. He began rocking back and forth while crying.

He was muttering something muttering but I didn't understand what Nii-san was saying, he was speaking his weird code. Until he began repeating it in my language. Nii-san dreamt about me?

"Deidara-nii-?"

"I won't let anything happen to you… I promise, hm. I won't…" I had to pat his cheek gently to stop him from chanting.

I give him a grin and a thumbs-up, "Don't worry about me! I'll become strong and be Hokage, dattebayo! So you don't have to have bad dreams about me!" Nii-san gave me a dumb look but after sniffing a few times and wiping his face, he returned a tired smile.

I frowned, he was making himself look happy so I wouldn’t worry. "Deidara-nii, go back to sleep! I'll stay with you and chase the nightmares away!" He nodded without fighting back and laid down, taking me with him. Must have been a scary dream then...

I stared at him for a while, before I noticed some weird markings on his chest and... and stitches? Does he have another mouth? 'I guess he didn't want me to see that. So I won't talk about it.'

I got comfortable and fell asleep in my Nii-san's arms.

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Once I woke up I had to rebandage my wounds, turns out the pain I felt was just me rubbing my burns raw. I'm going to have to see an actual medical shinobi to heal them.

But that dream… it was so vivid, not to mention frightening. I'm not afraid of dying, or the plot staying the same.

I'm afraid of what would happen if I failed. What if I changed too much and I lost sight of what could be done?

I sighed as I flipped some pancakes, oh yeah! Change of subject but I found someplace that sold regular flour! So WOOPIE! Pancakes!

Pancakes aside… It's going to take more than a nightmare to stop me from fucking with the plot. I just wish it wasn't so realistic…

"Deidara-nii, what did you dream about, dattebayo?"

Looking over at the focal point of said nightmare, I faked a sheepish grin, "I don't remember, hm. But I'm glad you were there to wake me up, Naruto." I lied, it's best I don't worry him about it yet.

Thinking of a distraction, "Hey, Naruto it's Saturday. How about we train this afternoon, hm?" I need something to keep me from thinking about that dream.

"REALLY?!" Naruto asked with wide, sparkling eyes. One nod from me later, "YESSSSSSSSSS!" He proceeded to fist pump the air.

Damnit chibi, stop being so cute. "We'll start with taijutsu, and once I talk with Iruka we'll have you learn other kinds of jutsu... provided you finally do well on a test." Naruto's grades were still terrible, but they are getting better. I just wished he would study more…

"I know a jutsu, dattebayo! Made it myself!" He looked so proud of himself… oh, dear.

"Oh? What is it, hm?" Here it comes…

Naruto did a single hand sign, "TRANSFORM!" a loud _poof_ and… oh god. I swear could hear the background music and giggles. "Sexy jutsu~"

I didn’t even blink. I don't understand how Naruko could even make guys bleed from the nose so much. What I'm looking at right now, once the clouds faded, was no different from what I grew up seeing when I took a shower. It's not that impressive of a sight either. For one thing: You do not get anywhere looking "sexy" with wannabe Hatsune Miku hair and having a butt that flat... Ew, his head is way too round to proportionally work with a... uh...

Okay, I'm confused, why does his body have a spoon's shoulder but hourglass everywhere else? How are his legs supporting this figure- he didn't change his hands!

_This_ is what Naruto thought was "sexy"? Wait... I keep forgetting this kid is like... what? 8?

Naruko giggled and leaned forward to show off more assets than I needed to see. "Will you teach me some jutsu, Nii-san~?" NOPE! I draw the line on him using sexy jutsu on me to get what he wants! ABORT ABORT _ABORT_!

"No, hm." Why does he think watery eyes will work? And dammit kid, put on some clothes, please!

"Why not Nii-san~?"

"One: I am your brother so don't use this jutsu on me. And two: you still haven't gotten a 70 on your tests yet." 'And three: I'm attracted to men.'

Oops, I must have said that out loud. Naruto transformed back to normal with a "WHAT?!" He ran up to me, looking up in bewilderment.

"I haven't found any nice girls that I like yet, only guys, hm." I shrugged casually. “It’s not a big deal.”

Naruto smirked mischievously and crossed his arms, "Oh, is that why you look like a girl-?"

_WHAM_!

"OW!"

Naruto was now eating his breakfast with a bump on his head. Just because he’s right, doesn’t mean I’m not going to punish him for saying it.

~^~^~^~^~

I went to the hospital to get my burns healed. I was tired of the bandages and having to always rewrap them every time I bathed. Why I didn't do this sooner, I will never know. But at least I don't look like I'm trying to cosplay as the second Tsuchikage anymore!

On our way to my usual training grounds with Naruto and his new weapons. I had to yank him back to avoid getting skewered by a flying kunai that was being aimed towards my weapons pole.

"Watch where you're going, dobe."

Oh no...

"Teme! What are _you_ doing here?!"

Kami strike me down, please!

"Idiot, I train here too. And who's the guy behind you?"

I'm not mentally prepared to meet this person! Give me Kabuto, Pein, a filler character!

"My Nii-san!"

"...Hn."

Fucking hell, I get to meet Uchiha Sasuke... And he's staring right at me.

Clearing my throat, I give Sasuke a slight nod of the head. "I'm Naruto's adoptive brother. My name is Deidara, hm."

He snorted, "Deidarahm?"

'You little shit… No wonder why fangirls like your brother more than you.' "I have a speech impediment, hm. You start making fun of it and I'll start making fun of your hair."

Naruto looks at me confused, "What's wrong with Sasuke's hair?" Seriously? No one notices? Does the entire population besides me need glasses? Or in Kabuto’s case, new glasses?

"It looks like the ass of a duck, hm."

Total silence, Sasuke began to touch the back of his head and Naruto's looked like he was one second away from total brain malfunction.

Finally, Naruto fell backwards, clutching his stomach as he laughed and pointed at Sasuke with a shaking finger.

Sasuke only glared at Naruto before starting to walk away, hands in his pocket. Nope! I just met you and I have decided that I want to make you friends with Naruto ASAP! Leaving is not an option for you!

"Duck-kun! Where are you going?" I think I'm killing my brother.

"Away from you losers. I can't train when people weaker than me are nearby-" He didn't get to finish that statement because I knocked him off his feet and held a kunai to his throat. His head turned to look up at me, eyes wide with fear.

"Weaker? Honey, I'm jonin rank, and I just knocked you off your feet, hm. Instead of training by yourself, why not join Naruto and me on our taijutsu training? I don't think a wooden post will give you feedback."

Not sure if it's my logical reasoning or the kunai at his throat, but Sasuke agreed to the offer. I made the boys spar each other so I can see their weak points.

"Naruto you can't just charge headfirst to the enemy. And... Duck-kun, your posture is too stiff, hm."

The fact that Sasuke responds to "Duck-kun" is highly amusing to me and I don't know why.

Naruto flailed his arms, "Well, teme here," He pointed at Sasuke. "Keeps calling me names!"

I folded my arms and raised an eyebrow, "And what did you just call him right now, hm?" Naruto closed his mouth with a _click_. "I'm not taking sides, you both are… seven? Eight? Either way, you’re still children. You have room to grow, hm. Now, try sparing again. Naruto, this time look for an opening and Duck-kun, relax your shoulders. Roll your shoulders and loosen them up."

The match lasted an extra minute, but Naruto still became reckless and charged headfirst into the fight. I pinch the bridge of my nose in exasperation. "Duck-kun, take a break. Naruto, run five laps then find some leaves and balance them on your fingers. You need patience and control, hm." Naruto tries to protest, but a single crack of my knuckles sends the boy running.

Watching my brother run, I feel eyes staring daggers into my back. Turning to look I found Sasuke, staring up at me with a noticeable frown.

"Your face is going to freeze like that, Duck-kun."

"Hn."

Sighing, I pulled out a lump of clay and handed it to Sasuke. "You lack the ability to relax. Make something out of this, hm."

"Why should I?" He looked at the lump of clay like it was an insult to his pride, like it was beneath him to touch peasant materials.

'Why do children insist on arguing with me?' "Because…" I pulled a smirk and leaned forward. "Is the famous Uchiha clan afraid to try a little art?" He snatched the clay from my hand and began messing with it, sitting down. Poking at a clan's pride always works.

I squat down to his level to watch, he has the hands to sculpt… but I was right.

He sucked at art.

However, his failure to make even a basic shape seemed to not only frustrate him but made him stubbornly continue with the task. He actually started sticking his tongue out in concentration. Haha! Not so easy now huh?

Without even thinking I pulled out some more clay from my pouch and let my palm mouths consume it. Sasuke's eyes popped out of their socket, not expecting mouths on my hands, let alone have them eat clay.

"Don't ask, hm." After the hand spat out the clay I clenched it a few times and when I opened my hand, sitting on my palm was a butterfly. "This is my jutsu."

Letting the butterfly fly up a few feet in the air, Sasuke watches with that same dumbfounded expression. It reminded me a little of when he would watch Itachi train. Sasuke was still just a little kid, and if I could keep him from Orochimaru... so much hell can be avoided.

With an almost bored, "Katsu" the butterfly exploded into an array of colors, painting the smoke like a canvas that had paint thrown on it. "This is also my art, hm."

I could pinpoint the exact moment I saw Sasuke swallowing his pride, it was like a kid trying to swallow a jawbreaker, it just doesn't work.

"Can... you teach me how to work with this clay?"

Now, mentally I'm doing a victory dance... But on the outside, I simply smiled and began helping Sasuke move his fingers with the clay.

Naruto didn't seem to appreciate the art lesson, "Deidara-nii! Why haven't you taught me your art, dattebayo?!" He shouted as he balanced leaves on his fingers.

Without missing a beat, "Because you have the hands of a chef. Sasuke has sculpting hands, hm."

Naruto gives me his signature closed-eye confused face, "Really? Chef's hands?" He looked at his hands like they were new objects.

"Yep, whenever you help me cook, you do everything flawlessly. You have a natural talent in the kitchen Naruto." Giving him my trademark smile, all of his jealousy melted away. At least he knows that I acknowledge his talents when it's there. I stand up and dust myself off. "Now Naruto, you spar with me, hm."

The hyper blond fist pumps, sending the leaves flying in every direction "HELL YEAH, DATTEBAYO!"

He lost. Obviously.

Sasuke watched the match like it was the greatest film to ever exist.

~^~^~^~^~

I developed a routine as the week went by. The boys would go to the academy and I would either perform D and C ranked missions, or I would go work on my own taijutsu and chakra control. Sure, I have enough physical awareness to take down a couple of kids almost half my size -I’m freakishly tall for an eleven-year-old- but if I picked on anyone my own size, I’d lose in a heartbeat. I came into this world able to do Deidara’s jutsu… but at the price where I didn’t inherit any of his taijutsu.

After school ends, I would take them to the training grounds and have them spar, followed by one-on-one matches with me. Each time I would make them do exercises based on what flaws they showed during the matches. Naruto would often find himself balancing on various objects while holding things, and Sasuke would be forced to do yoga or work on some clay.

I had to write a letter to Iwagakure, it was very brief, just saying that I am alive and that I will visit soon. I was still unfamiliar with Deidara’s mannerisms, so a short and brief letter to Kurotsuchi would have to suffice for now.

One day, while taking a break, I gave them some news. "Boys, I'm gonna be gone all day tomorrow and possibly the next day… Depending on how things go, hm."

"Ehhh?! Why Deidara-nii, dattebayo!?" Guess who.

"There is someone I'm looking for. If I succeed, I'm taking them to Konoha. I also need to visit Iwagakure." I paused, scanning my brother’s face. "With your permission Naruto, I'd like to add the one I’m looking for to our family. They... I heard they've lost... a lot in their life and I don't think anyone should be alone, hm."

Naruto sat still, unsure of what to think of this request, no doubt. I don't blame him. It's always just been him and me so far, so a third person would seem daunting.

But, he eventually got a goofy grin on his face, "SURE!" Ahhhhh, right in my ear!

Wincing at the volume, I rubbed my ear to lessen the pain, "...Thank you, Naruto." I relax with a sigh of relief, that at least drops the drama for later on.

Earlier this week I had heard some interesting news, courtesy of Hiruzen. When I heard this news, I had decided that if I'm going to mess up this plot and this timeline further than I already was doing… then I needed to stick my nose in affairs outside of Konoha.

And the news?

The Kaguya clan was on the move.

~^~^~^~^~

**Side story #2: Hinata and Neji**

I managed to squeeze in some time to work on Hinata's confidence. Working with this girl was going to be hard because I never hung out with timid people. All of my friends were social with each other and to strangers. We had to be social, it came with the school clubs we participated in. But I'll do what I can.

I stood in front of my new student in a room inside the estate. Hiashi was, without a doubt, four rooms away and watching everything I did around his heir. "Ready to begin your training, Hinata-chan?"

She nodded. "Y-yes!" She got into a Gentle Fist stance with her Byakugan activated. Oh, sweetheart, we're not doing that kind of training.

"Good, now what I want you to do is look at me dead in the eyes…" She charged at me.

"And talk about yourself, hm." I dodged her attack, barely, as she stumbled forward, nearly falling from shock. "Yeah… I'm not allowed to train you in taijutsu. Sorry, hm."

"T...talk about myself..?" She pointed at herself like it was an unknown concept.

"Yes, say the first thing you can think of about yourself. Now."

Hinata’s breath quickened, and she looked down at herself, her hands and her feet. She glanced around the room, eyes wide with panic and sweat forming on her brow.

"I…I'm t-timid-"

I tapped her head. Just hard enough for her to feel it.

"Try again, hm."

She gulped, wincing. "I… I uh…" _Tap_. "W...why are y-you t-tapping my head, D-Deidara-san?" _Tap_. "U-um…" _Tap_.

"Say something good about yourself. Something you _like_ about yourself, hm."

She stood still as if the world just shattered before her. I reached out to tap her head again.

"I… I'm t-told I l-look like m-my... my mom…" She flinched expecting a tap. But when no tapping came, she looked up at me.

I must have had the dorkiest grin on the planet as I was internally having the biggest fangirl moment ever.

'She said she looks like her mom! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CUTE, HINATA?! My heart can't take it!'

Biting my lip, I pulled out a mirror from a sealing scroll and held it out to her. "Every day in the morning, and then right before bed, compliment or praise yourself once. It can be as small as you had a good day in class, hm." She took the small thing and looked at herself.

Eventually, Hiashi entered the room to inform Hinata that it was time for her Gentle Fist training. Hinata, being formal around her father, bowed to me and ran off to the Hyuuga training grounds.

A small nod from her father indicated that I was free to leave. Turning to exit the gate I caught a glimpse of long brown hair in a low ponytail, hiding behind a tree.

… Well, a quick visit won't hurt anything!

Speedingly, I make a beeline to the ponytail. Eventually, finding myself face-to-face with the one character the universe shits on as much as it did to me.

Hyuuga Neji, and all of his chibi adorable glory. He’s what? Nine now? 

I frowned, catching sight of his downcast expression, and stiff posture. I knelt in front of him, tilting my head, "What's wrong…?" I kept my tone soft, like I was talking to something easily spooked. I'm guessing Hiashi kept his end of the deal.

"Nothing you need to worry about, miss…"

I smiled and ruffled his hair, "I'm a boy, squirt." Neji’s eyes widened and tried to bow in apology. I reached up and stopped him by putting my palm over his bandaged forehead. "No bowing please, hm. It's weird."

Neji stared at me for a moment before his small lips curled into the faintest of frowns. "You're Hinata-sama's friend. Why is someone like you... talking to me?"

I scrunched up my nose. "So, you don't want someone to talk to, hm? Okay, if you say so." I stood up straight. "Just thought you heard something upsetting and would like to get it off your chest, hm." I began to walk away, but Neji tried to grab me to stop me… sadly, he grabbed my hair, so now my body was bending backwards like a slinky. "Yes, hm?" I'm basically the girl from _The_ _Exorcist_ right now... oddly comfortable despite my spine's bending.

Must be all the yoga with Sasuke.

With a look of horror, Neji tried to fix me. "I'll talk, but please stop bending like that!" Kids really are open to stuff, huh? Or maybe it's because I'm close to their age.

Sitting down with Neji on the porch, I let him talk freely to me. Eventually, after talking about his father he just talked about the main family and the topic was as relentless as it was endless. Wow, he had a lot on his chest.

"Do you blame Hinata and Hanabi?"

He stopped, lowering his head in shame. "Yes…"

"Have you ever talked to either of them?"

"No…"

"Do you have friends, hm?"

"..."

"I see... I think you should talk to your cousins." I should have expected him to look at me like a gaping fish, but I didn't. "Hinata is timid, but growing stronger. Hanabi is young and impressionable, I think you should train and talk with at least Hinata and grow a bond, hm."

He glared, "Why should I?" Good question Neji, but thankfully an easy one to answer.

"Well, they're family, right?" The glare dropped. "Just talk to them. You can change fate just by growing bonds and becoming stronger together." I raised from my spot and gave him a wink. "Trust me, they're not like the other main branch members, hm." Without so much as another word, I left.

I never even had to give him my name. It’s not like I’d never see him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Does anyone actually think Naruto's sexy jutsu is sexy? Sure it looks better in Shippuden, but in the beginning of the show, it really reflects just how little Naruto understands about women to think that hair would make him "sexy". Maybe it's because Naruto keeps his face that it ruins the moment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new addition to the family.

**3rd person POV**

Hiruzen was discussing this coming up chunin exam with a genin team, more specifically with Daiki's team. When suddenly…

"Hey, Hiruzen! I'm going to Kiri to handle some unfinished business, then I'll be off to Iwa, hm! I'll be back in a day or so and if things go according to plan I'll be coming home with a kid! Please prepare some moving papers just in case! Naruto already knows! Bye, hm!”

"Was that senpai? WAIT, SENPAI WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" Daiki rushed out to chase after Deidara, making as much noise as humanly possible along the way.

The jonin leader looked at the Hokage with a raised eyebrow. "He speaks to you so informally…"

Hiruzen sighed in defeat. "He's like that." With that, he calmly went and opened a window. Within that very second, Daiki came flying in the room through that window with a lump on his head and x's for eyes.

'I'm getting too old for this…' Hiruzen thought wearily to himself. 

**Deidara's POV**

I used my Chocobo to reach the Land of Water, it was faster and trampled bandits; mere obstacles that slowed down progress. The faster I could get to Kiri the better.

I don't care about the consequences or the fact I may be running headfirst into possible death. How could I say that I'll change the plot if I don't take the opportunity when it’s on a silver platter? I couldn’t, that's how. So, I'm steamrolling through a forest with a single goal in mind.

I needed to nab Kimimaro before Orochimaru.

I didn’t know how old the information I got was. But... if it was as fresh as I was led to believe, then the chances of running into the bone wielder were extremely high.

Various clay creatures flew around the country, my Chocobo changing directions whenever a creature spotted something. It was automatic and for all I knew, my creatures were chasing down an old man with white hair, or a white deer. I just had to have faith in my chakra.

I had to find Kimimaro, for both his and Naruto's sake. Once I am given a headband from Hiruzen, I'll be on more missions and I have plans on training to an almost unhealthy level. I needed to master C4 and develop my sensing skills before Naruto graduated. A bonus if I could figure out how Deidara trained his eye to see through the Sharingan.

Besides...I don't want Naruto to come home to an empty apartment anymore.

So, Kimimaro shall become another brother for Naruto. In return, Kimimaro gets a nice childhood with a loving family that won't fucking experiment on him!

Just thinking about how he was used till the very end, I nearly missed a head of white hair. My mind was on a tirade of fury and bloodlust. 'I mean come on! He died at 15- Wait… white hair?'

I stopped my Chocobo with an almost car-like screech and hopped off. I was a good 10 meters away from the person, and I made sure to keep my footsteps silent as I approached them. But when I was close enough I could confirm who it was, my heart soared with joy.

Kimimaro was talking to the flower. Thank god, that's one life that won't be screwed up because of that snake.

Speaking of snakes, I could _feel_ a certain pedo-snake staring at me, most likely trying to pinpoint where he had seen my face before.

'Uh-oh, Kimimaro's getting mad at the flower. TIME TO INTERVENE!'

"You okay, kiddo, hm?"

Kimimaro jumped a foot in the air and twirls to face me in a defensive stance. Holding my gloved hands out to show I mean no harm, I walk over to the bone boy. He was… short. A full head shorter than me and only a few inches taller than Naruto. Basic math told me that Kimimaro was ten, just a year younger than me, and yet he was this small… What did the Kaguya clan feed him all his life?

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. You just looked like you needed an actual person to talk to, hm." I gave him a brotherly smile, the kind that I gave Naruto when he's being a brat. It calms kids down for some reason. I brought my voice to a whisper like I was telling Kimimaro a secret. "I heard a rumor that flowers can't talk back."

Like magic, Kimimaro lowered his bone weapon and his eyes dazed and barely focused on me. 'Poor kid, he doesn't have a will to live… well, he would if Orochimaru had come out of the clearing a few seconds earlier. Too bad, bitch.'

I calmly walked over and knelt beside the flower he was going to stab, "You like flowers, hm?" He nodded robotically. "They're rather artistic. Beautiful for a moment then they wither away to begin anew, hm. A fleeting beauty, and a symbol of new beginnings." Oooh, I felt so dirty using this tactic on Kimimaro, sweet-talking him into trusting me. It was like I was a blond Orochimaru… but if this worked in getting Kimimaro to come with me to Konoha, then so be it.

He doesn't speak, just stared at me, probably unsure of what to think of the blond boy talking to him. I held out my hand to shake. "My name is Deidara. I'm formerly from Iwagakure, but I now live in Konoha, hm." 

He was staring at my hand… oh lord, he doesn't know how to do a handshake, huh? "It's a handshake. You take my hand like this," I gently took his hand. "And shake." I moved his limp arm up and down.

"...Kaguya Kimimaro…"

"Well Kimimaro-kun, where are your parents? You look like you just got out of a war zone, hm." I watch as he becomes downcast, my heart clenched up.

"They're all dead." Wow, way to be blunt. I must have a deer in headlights expression because he kept talking, "My only purpose in life was to fight… Now, I have nothing. Do you know what purpose is there in life?"

I could _feel_ Orochimaru's killing intent on me, holy fuck is it powerful. Like a snake was wrapping its body around my throat and constricting... And it only made me want to tear apart with his plans with greater enthusiasm.

I tilted my head. "Hmmm… a purpose? Never thought about that." Might as well use one thing Orochimaru would have said. "I honestly think we humans have no purpose. We steal from this Earth and kill our own kind, hm."

That only seemed to make him even more depressed. Time to throw my perspective.

"We have no purpose, but we all have a reason to live. Something that makes us wake up every day to face the harsh realities, hm." He looked at me in confusion. "I have a younger brother who I live through every single day to protect and raise. He became my purpose and my reason to live, hm."

His eyes slowly shine with life. I decided to throw in my question now that I had his interest. "How would you like to come with me to Konoha… and join our little family, hm? It's small, somewhat dysfunctional, but it's full of love. Besides," I gave him a wink. "I think my brother would absolutely adore you. He's this goofy ball of sunshine that causes mischief everywhere he goes."

"..."

"If you want a purpose... Think of it as... you now have people you want to grow strong with and protect." I stood up internally winced when Kimimaro’s eyes brightened and his mouth went slack in awe. I must have a halo or something behind my head from the lighting… grrreeaaaat… just what I wanted to avoid.

I held my hand out again, "What do you say, Kimimaro-kun?"

He shook my hand without hesitation.

I couldn't hold back my painfully wide grin, to Kimimaro, it looks like I'm just joyful. But in reality, I'm smiling at the man hiding behind some trees.

'Hahaha, fuck you Voldemort 2.0. I just got your most loyal subordinate and I am gonna give him all the love he deserves! SUCK IT!'

Standing up, I whistled my Chocobo over and shrunk it back to a figurine. Putting it in my pouch, I pull out my C2 dragon. Overkill much? Why yes, yes it was. But Orochimaru's 15 feet away and I want to rub it in his pale face.

Kimimaro was startled by the giant dragon. At first, he kept his distance, but after a reassuring pat on his head and a demonstration of how I had control, he got on without a fuss.

While he was climbing the dragon, I turned to face Orochimaru who was no longer hiding and was just glaring at me. He could kill me any second now… but he heard the entire conversation. Hiruzen would know if I never returned to Konoha. _Iwagakure_ would know.

Even then, Kimimaro would have never trusted him if he killed me.

I gave him a mocking bow and rose with a "come at me bro" posture, taunting him to do something. All the while, I kept Deidara's trademark smirk. I hopped onto the dragon and took off. All of the C1s in the area flew towards Orochimaru and I yelled out "KATSU!", destroying the area in spectacular flare.

Kimimaro looked at me puzzled, "Why did you do that?" He leaned over the dragon to watch the smoke rise into the air. That didn't kill Orochimaru, but it gave him a reason to keep an eye on me. That's what I want, I want snakey to see me as a potential threat. Because I will be soon.

"Sorry, saw a snake and I have Ophidiophobia, hm." I lied. I love snakes. But not this snake.

"Oph...idio…"

"I have a fear of snakes, hm."

"Oh."

I handed Kimimaro some onigiri from my bag that I had on me, "Here, eat. I have to go to Iwagakure before returning to Konoha, so rest up, hm." Kimimaro took the food without question and began to quietly eat. Oh Kami, his cheeks are puffed out like a chipmunk.

'Damn it, why is everyone so cute?!'

~^~^~^~^~

Kimimaro and I spent the next few hours bonding. I talked about Naruto and a bit of my life. Kimi… he just spent most of his life locked up. Needless to say, I ended up talking the most. At some point I made him take a nap, but he only fell asleep when I forced him to lay down and quietly hummed for 20 minutes. Good thing I know so many Disney songs or else I would have been in trouble.

I woke him up when we reached the Land of Earth. "Kimimaro-kun… when we reach Iwagakure… I need you to just stay behind me and don't speak or act without my say-so, hm."

Kimi tilted his head with large, innocent eyes, and a drop of sweat formed on my head. "I ah... I'm not exactly on friendly terms with them. I'm only visiting because of an agreement, hm." I subconsciously pressed my bangs over my mouth and looked away, basically sitting in a thinker position. An old habit from my past life.

He nodded in understanding and I landed the dragon just outside of the village. Shrinking the dragon into its miniature size, I handed it to Kimimaro, "Here, watch over this, hm." Wow, he's taking this seriously as he gave me a firm nod. 'Honey, I just want you to hold the dragon, I'm not asking you to hold onto S-rank secrets- aw screw it, you're adorable.' 

Kimimaro clutching the clay dragon to his chest was possibly the cutest thing I have seen since Naruto discovering pancakes. Just less messy.

Within seconds of going near the village, three figures float down to us. Gently pushing Kimimaro behind me protectively, I smirked. "You guys certainly know how to make an entrance, hm!"

Before me was Onoki the Tsuchikage, and Deidara's former teammates Akatsuchi and Kurotsuchi… Seriously, their names are so weird. 

"Cheeky as ever, Deidara. Even with becoming a rogue shinobi, you haven't changed." The old man boasted towards me.

Kurotsuchi skipped over to me with a pout, "Deidara-niichan! I want to see how strong you've become! I haven't seen you in forever!"

'And I've seen you never.' Was all I could think while looking at the younger girl. Well, the thought was followed with- 'Why do girls think pouting works? You just make me want to poke your cheeks.' 

And so I did. I poked her cheek. Using my nail.

"Ow! Why did you do that?!" Kurotsuchi rubbed her cheek over-dramatically. Seriously, I’m immune to things trying to be intentionally cute. You're making Daiki look like a newborn puppy.

"You were being annoying. There's nothing cute about puffing out your cheeks like a fugu, hm." I folded my arms with a frown. "I'm not here to battle or cause problems. I'm only here on orders from the old man, once this visit is over I'm going home to my brother."

"'Brother', Deidara?" Onoki asked with a suspicious tone.

One of my arms moved like I was swatting a fly in dismissal, "Before we talk, can I at least get Kimi-kun some new clothes?" I heard the younger boy behind me mutter "'Kimi-kun'?" and cling to my shirt when all eyes focused on him. I still refuse to believe he's a year younger than me, he had to be younger than that. right?

Kurotsuchi looked at Kimi with interest, "Is that your brother, Deidara-niichan?"

"Soon. I'll send a photo in my next letter if you'd like, hm." Without warning, I tossed all of my clay and weapons at Akatsuchi. "Feel free to search me, but considering I am now a member of Konoha and we have a deal, Onoki-sensei… I won’t be staying long."

I took Kimimaro's hand and walked past them, Kurotsuchi chased after me claiming that I'll "Pick out ugly outfits!", leaving Onoki and Akatsuchi standing there baffled.

Onoki grumbled, "I see he's become even more of a cheeky brat… but it seems like he has found something in life besides his… 'art'."

Akatsuchi just nodded.

~^~^~^~^~

'Ha! I can pick out nice clothes!' Was my only thought process as I kept picking out outfits for Kimimaro to try on. I kept the colors to soft purples and greys, with designs that make the tops easily removable for Kimimaro's kekkei genkai. Though I sent the last Kaguya to pick out his own yukatas and pajamas. If I had control over that, he'd end up looking like a girl… tempting really.

Kurotsuchi, however, didn't seem to understand my choice of clothes. "Nii-chan! Have him try on this!" She then held out the standard shinobi garb of Iwa, tight red top with one long sleeve, and a pair of red pants.

I had to suppress a gag. I love red, love it to bits. But that red looks like a brick threw up and died on it. It would dull out Kimimaro's bright green eyes!

"Hell no, hm. It's ugly, would make Kimimaro look like a joke, and it would get ripped up in a matter of minutes on the battlefield or get him killed."

She gasped, "No it wouldn't, it's designed to not get damaged easily!" She started to pout again.

'Do we girls really act like this…? Or is it just exclusive to anime...?'

I calmly grabbed a soft blue kimono shirt for Kimi. "Exactly, hm. He uses bones to attack. It would limit his abilities to fight and kill him." I ignored her questioning stare as Kimi approached me, wearing a child's yukata.

He nervously fiddled with the sleeve as he waited for my approval. Grey pinstripe with a modest, navy obi. He blushed as my eyes began to bug out. It's not the prettiest color, I'm tempted to make him wear a girl's yukata. But his eyes pop in contrast, almost giving him doe eyes.

I broke my "do not fangirl around others” rule.

"Kimi-kun, look at you! You're so _adorable,_ hm!" I made an unmanly squee sound as I scooped up my new brother and twirled the poor child in my arms. If Kimimaro was this cute in a yukata then I need to take Naruto shopping when we get home. "Promise me you'll keep your hair long, hm! You look just wonderful!"

**3rd person POV**

Conveniently, Onoki and Akatsuchi entered the shop just in time to see _Deidara_ of all people, squealing like Kurotsuchi with a smaller kid in his arms.

All three Iwagakure shinobi watch this display with the same confused thought.

What happened to Deidara?

Onoki quickly did a few hand signs and confirmed that, yes, this was Deidara. But the Tsuchikage was still tempted to check the boy's head. No one changed this suddenly within a year and a half.

Deidara sat Kimimaro down and paid for all the clothes, sending the boy off to get dressed in a new outfit. "What?" Deidara crossed his arms in annoyance as his former teacher and teammates looked at him like he'd grown another head.

"You okay, Nii-chan?" Kurotsuchi put a hand on Deidara's forehead. "You've changed..." She got her hand batted away.

"Isn't me changing a good thing though, hm? No one in Iwagakure liked my art and when I decided to improve myself I was branded a traitor. I understand that I stole a forbidden jutsu, but honestly, it compliments my kekkei genkai, hm." Inside Deidara's head, he was trying to think of a jutsu that could be used with explosion release and came up with nothing. Maybe a jutsu existed, but it would be impractical to use it.

Onoki frowned. "That jutsu was forbidden for a reason. You were foolish to use it!"

Deidara shrugged, his face blank and his posture uncaring. "And now Konoha has a new powerful shinobi. Your guy's loss I guess, hm. I have people I want to protect and I plan on talking with the Hokage about letting me earn a headband." The moment Onoki began to scold Deidara, an aura of pure apathy oozed out from him and filled the room.

Kurotsuchi was upset, Deidara didn't even seem to care about his old life. She was happy that he had people in his care, but on the other hand, he turned his back on Iwa… his home… his friends…

Were they not his family?

**Deidara's POV**

'I feel awful. How do you talk to people you have no memories of?' I only knew about this world from what was shown to the viewers. We don't know Deidara's past all that well and here I am, expected to actually _know_ these people. When I woke up in this body, I never received Deidara's memories. 

I don't even know if he has a family here.

I'm left feeling apathetic to Kurotsuchi's downcast face, Akatsuchi's confusion, and Onoki's growing frustration. These are just strangers to me. I never invested time in understanding Iwagakure. Hell, I'm more emotionally invested in filler characters because they were given time to blossom.

They were introduced too late, during a time when I was losing interest in the show. Most of the Akatsuki were dead, Edo Tensei wasn't a thing yet, and I just... didn't care. Revealing Deidara's sensei and teammates without any sort of filler season for the Akatsuki left me bored and questioning why would I even want to know them?

I let out a tired sigh, I didn't want to come here. But I have to keep my agreement with the Hokage and Tsuchikage. But they never said how long I was supposed to stay. So when Kimimaro returned I gave him a soft smile.

Looking back at the three before me, I calmly bowed. "I thank you for greeting me at the gates. But I must return to Konoha and help Kimimaro-kun settle. I will write again with some photos and I'll visit you later. Hopefully, when we meet again you all will understand that I am a different person now, hm." The formalities felt odd on my tongue but it got my point across.

The Deidara they knew was long gone.

Onoki was the first to protest, "We had a deal Deidara! You will come to my office and we will talk, then we can decide if you’re allowed to leave." He tried to stop me from exiting the store, the employees watching with bated breath.

"Then seal my tongue right here and now! Get it over with you old coot before I storm out of the village, hm!” I stood over him, snarling. “That’s what you wanted, right? I was your student, after all. Wouldn’t want Konoha to learn outdated secrets from me, hm!”

“Deidara-niichan…” Kurotsuchi reached for me, but I shrugged her away.

“I just want to start a new life with my new family! I’ve done horrible things in the past and I’m a horrible person for running away from it. There, happy, hm?! Are you going to slap a seal on me or what?!”

Onoki looked away, stepping aside.

“I’m not the Deidara any of you remember, not anymore…”

“What caused the change?” Akatsuchi asked, the only one brave enough to ask the right question.

“You learn a few things when you’re on your own. Life or death experiences can change your mindset, hm.” Why should I give them anything more than that? “Excuse us... please.”

I took Kimimaro’s hand again and led him outside of the village where the trio followed us and my weapons were returned. Making a simple bird this time, I had us fly to Konoha. I'm relieved that I get to go back to the place I now call home, with my new ragtag family and my ever-growing army of chibis.

I should be happy, so why…?

Why won't these tears stop?

~^~^~^~^~

"Nii-sama."

"Deidara-nii, hm."

"... Deidara-nii sama"

"Kimimaro-kun, stop with the 'sama' please, hm."

"I will not. You are my elder thus you are Nii-sama."

"If you keep calling me 'Nii-sama' I'm going to give you pet names."

"Do as you please, Nii-sama. My life is yours." He bowed his head low, his forehead almost making contact with the clay bird’s back.

This had been going on for the past ten minutes. Despite taking the kid from Orochimaru, he still, somehow, developed the whole idolization trait. Hell, the conversation started with him addressing me as "Deidara-sama"... I ain't no "Deidara-sama"! It took seven minutes to stop the Deidara-sama part, and another three to get him to use the brother honorifics.

I threw my hands up in frustration, "I give up! Call me anything but Deidara-sama for all I care, hm!" The kid is almost as stubborn as me! He's just more polite and adorable about it.

“Yes, Nii-sama.”

My eye twitched.

Thankfully, Konoha was in the distance. Landing the bird, I had an earth clone go retrieve the paperwork from Hiruzen while I took Kimimaro home.

I was immediately greeted with a hyper blond tackling me. It's good to be home.

"Welcome home, Deidara-nii! Guess what! Teme and I were sparring and- who's that, dattebayo?" He pointed at Kimimaro who's just watching the exchange.

"This is Kimimaro-kun. Kimimaro-kun, this is Naruto, hm."

Kimimaro just looked down at Naruto, making me realize how short he was compared to other kids. Well… either Naruto was short, or I was freakishly tall for my age. My money was on both.

"Hello, Naruto-san."

At first, Naruto just stood there with his closed-eye frown, then he began pointing at Kimi dramatically. "You're the reason Deidara-nii left, huh?!"

"Pardon?"

_WHAM_

"Owowow Deidara-nii, what the hell, dattebayo?" Naruto rubbed his head, no bump but he definitely felt that.

"Naruto, it's rude to point at people." I shooed Kimimaro to go explore and knelt to Naruto's height.

Naruto looked at me curiously then where Kimimaro was examining the bookshelf. "So he's the one that will join our family?"

"Yes, thank you for... for letting this happen. Ah… fair warning, Naruto, Kimimaro-kun is… rather quiet but he's a good listener, hm."

When Kimimaro returned Naruto gave him a long look. I bit my lower lip at how silly his face had become, and how Kimi was just letting this happen.

Soon, Naruto gave Kimi his sunshine smile, "I'm Uzumaki Naruto! It's nice to meet you Kimi-nii, dattebayo!" Oh, thank Kami he didn't scream. It was almost 9 at night and I don't need pissy neighbors… Well, we are moving tomorrow so screw it. Be loud, my little kit!

Slowly, Kimi's mouth twitched upwards. Naruto's smiles are so contagious and it's impossible to not return one. But what made me happy was the expression on Kimimaro's face. A similar face I swore was on my own when I first met Naruto. A look of fierce protection and the blooming feeling of adoration.

I could tell Kimimaro was going to be an excellent big brother to Naruto.

I clapped my hands together, startling the kids, "Alright chibis, bedtime!" Without argument, Naruto ran off to get ready.

I went to the closet and pulled out the futon, "Kimimaro-kun, you'll take the futon until we move tomorrow. I hope it's comfortable, hm."

He looked uncertain, eyes intelligently bright and the cogs turning in his head. "Where will you sleep?"

"The couch, hm."

"No, Nii-sama. You're taking me in, I can't possibly take your be-" Nope! I am not taking any arguments!

I pecked his cheek leaving him red-faced and frozen stiff. "You're adorable. But seriously, you're sleeping on the futon and that's final, hm." I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I heard the kitchen sink running meaning Kimi's doing his nighttime routine. But what I saw when I returned to the living room after tucking Naruto in, annoyed me.

Kimimaro was laying down… On the goddamn couch.

Obviously, I'm not about to let him sleep on that stupid thing. I went to the kid and scooped him up, went to the futon, and all but dropped him onto the plush bedding. Before he could get up or protest, I tucked him in, turned off the light, and made a mad dash to the couch. I could hear him make an annoyed huff right above my head before begrudgingly going back to the futon. Ha, I win!

He's gonna learn two things.: 1. How to be a kid. And 2. What I say, goes.

Though, I didn't appreciate waking up four hours later in the futon and him on the couch. How did I sleep through that?

Knowing he was going to be adamant about me sleeping anywhere but the couch, I forced him back into the futon and bunked with Naruto. He didn't care and just snuggled in my arms.

As crazy as this is becoming… I honestly love this little family I am creating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kimimaro was one of many impulses that came to this story. I honestly have forgotten why I picked him over any other orphan in the show, probably explained on fanfiction.net somewhere but I'm too lazy to look. I know that back when I made this chapter, it was either him, or Haku. Basic math told me that Haku would be impossible since Zabuza got his hands on him at a very young age, but since Kimimaro could have been any age, I went with him.
> 
> I had also kept the Iwagakure scene short because I honestly have no idea how it would work. It could have been easier to forget they existed but since the story is about someone reincarnated as Deidara... I had to at least put them in this story. At least that's what 2017 me believed. They don't show up much in the story.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: Hostile school invasion drill in the side story. School shootings and hostiles entering in schools is not something to take lightly. If it makes you uncomfortable or brings up unpleasant memories, it's from when it changes to a 3rd person POV and lasts until just shortly before it swaps to Deidara's POV. The side story was created to introduce Sakura into the story.

I had no idea why I woke up in Naruto's room. It's a bad habit, I'll sometimes forget events from the previous day for a few minutes. Guess whatever happened resulted in Naruto becoming my teddy bear for the night.

Slowly, I removed my person from Naruto's grip and climbed out of bed. I stretched until I heard the satisfying pop of my spine, then relaxed my muscles with a sigh. Yep, this body does not like mattresses at all, every part of me ached. I’d rather sleep on the floor.

I started to make the slow shuffle out of the room, though I was interrupted mid-yawn when my foot caught something under me and I tripped. Landing face-first onto the ground, I hear a younger voice yelp from under my legs… wait, Naruto's in his bedroom…

Who did I trip on?!

Bending my legs, I awkwardly twisted my neck to look at a small boy with white hair staring back at me with a mixture of confusion and worry. I spent a good ten seconds of staring for my slow brain to comprehend what happened.

I adopted Kimimaro. He is in my futon and I tripped on him…

Shit, I just kicked a chibi.

"Kimimaro! I'm so, so sorry, I completely forgot about yesterday and I didn't mean to kick you! Oh Kami, are you okay, baby, hm?" I patted his face, making sure my foot didn’t strike it. The boy sat there, still with wide eyes as if all brain functions had ceased to exist. I paid little mind to the idea that I might be overstimulating him, my brain a maternal frenzy.

"I… I am fine, Nii-sama, are you hurt? You landed pretty hard." He regained his composure and stopped my fussing by grabbing my wrists.

I blink a few times. "Yeah… yeah sorry, I'm overly emotional in the morning, hm." I gave him a nervous laugh. Quiet footsteps caught my attention and I looked to see Naruto rubbing his eye. 

Aw… I woke him up.

"Deidara-nii… wha…" He yawned. "What happened…?"

"It's nothing. Why don't you and Kimimaro go get ready for the day while I make breakfast? Kimimaro can take the first shower, hm." We're all boys, so I didn’t mind the whole using the bathroom while another showers thing. Even so, I still locked the door when I bathed, I am not ready to see any naked males anytime soon besides my own body… okay, I am done with bathroom talk.

Naruto sleepily nodded and guided Kimimaro to the bathroom. Poor kit, he usually doesn't wake up for another hour. But then again, we also have to move today.

Going to the kitchen, I prepare some fruit salad and honey for breakfast. The fruit won't survive the move, so I needed to make sure we eat all of it. I also took the time to prepare several lunches, mainly because I'm going to introduce Kimimaro to Sasuke and Hinata. Full bellies meant more conversations.

Sealing the lunches in a scroll, I called out. "Chibis! Breakfast!" Naruto steamrolled into the kitchen, at first he seemed disappointed at the salad. But then I shoved a strawberry into his mouth and he was happy with the honey taste, making noises of enjoyment.

Kimimaro entered the kitchen with damp hair and a fresh outfit, I clicked my tongue in disapproval. "Kimi-kun, do this, hm." I then bend forward, flinging my hair in front of me.

He mimicked the position and I grabbed a clean towel and wrapped his hair up in a towel turban and had him stand up. At the very least he won't drip water onto the floor.

After eating breakfast I handed the boys scrolls, "Put all of your things over the seals then call for me when you are done. This is easier than putting everything in boxes. The furniture stays, hm." They both nodded and scrambled to do their tasks. I have a clone handling my stuff while I filled out the paperwork for the move.

Kimimaro mostly helped Naruto pack. The white-haired boy only had the clothes I had bought him and the C2 dragon sculpture that I let him have. I watched him help Naruto gather up school supplies and internally calculated how many missions I would need to do so I could get Kimimaro more things. Get both boys more things. I don’t care if I got things for myself besides the odd little trinket and clothes, I had a childhood.

Neither of these boys did.

An hour of packing and cleaning to avoid a pissy landlady later, and we reached our new apartment. It was in one of the nicer districts, closer to the academy but not close to the training grounds. We must have looked off to our neighbors, three… urg… three children moving into apartments meant for traditional families. Thankfully, this apartment complex was specifically for shinobi families.

We went up two flights of stairs and down three doors to our apartment door. I entered the place first to make sure there weren't any mold, mildew, or pests. Pleased when I saw none of the three, I let the boys pick out their rooms while I arranged the kitchen. 

Note that I said "rooms".

I had Hiruzen agree to a two-bedroom, two-bath apartment. In my head, Kimimaro would get one room and Naruto the other. Apparently, the kids didn't get the memo.

"Boys, I said pick out your room _s,_ hm." I hiss out the s sound for emphasis.

Kimimaro blinked almost innocently. "Nii-sama, where would you sleep?" When I pointed at the spot between the rooms, he crossed his arms. "No. You take one of the rooms, Otouto and I will share a room." Naruto beamed at being called Otouto and promptly joined in.

"Yeah! You always sleep outside a room and you should have space all to yourself, dattebayo!"

"But-"I stopped mid-sentence as I was on the receiving end to two sets of glares. 'They're going to force me to sleep in one of those rooms eventually huh..?' I sighed, rubbing my forehead as a headache started to settle in. "You two get the bigger room, hm."

At least they were satisfied with me agreeing to have a room. I moved the other bed into the boys' rooms and we spent the rest of the morning unpacking and organizing things. Though the apartment was still pretty empty, as it was twice the size of the previous one. Well, that and Kimi and I do not own much stuff.

My room was relatively bare, my futon folded in the closet, and the only pieces of furniture to call my own was a dresser that will never hold clothes and a bookshelf. I made Kimimaro take the nightstand from this room for his bed; what am I supposed to do with a nightstand if I’m sleeping in a futon?

Checking the time I called out to them, "Naruto! Kimi-kun! We're going to meet up with Hinata-chan and Duck-kun to train, hm!" I heard Naruto cheer with glee as he zoomed to the front door, already getting his shoes on. Kimimaro was just confused.

"'Duck-kun' Nii-sama…?" He tilted his head, most likely picturing a literal duck.

The hyper child bouncing next to me began to rapidly talk to Kimimaro about Sasuke. 

Good to know Naruto is already becoming fond of Kimi. I continued to rub my head. I need more sleep.

Reaching the training grounds, Hinata and Sasuke were already waiting for us. I had a clone do some errands while we moved and telling these two to meet us up made my life easier.

"Hey, Hinata! … Teme..." Naruto cheerfully greeted Hinata but then glared at Sasuke. It was normal, Sasuke would just return a glare, then they would turn their heads away, noses in the air. It's like watching two tsunderes interacting with each other.

"H...hello, Naruto-kun…" Oh, praise the universe, we only had one pause! The exercises are working! Hinata seemed to be taking my advice to heart. Her back was straighter, her shoulders relaxed, and she could keep eye contact with Naruto for more than ten seconds without a break.

I coughed into my hand to get their attention, "Hinata-chan, Duck-kun, this is Kimimaro, hm." I motioned to the boy hiding behind me- wait, why is he acting shy? I nudged him out of his hiding spot. You can't hide behind my figurative skirt all the time, sweetheart.

Kimimaro cautiously waved, "Hello." Before looking up at me. I then lightly nudged the small of his back with my knee to make him walk over to them.

Hinata nervously greeted him, but Sasuke just glared. "I want all of you to spar with each other. Kimimaro will spar with Sasuke. Naruto you spar with Hinata-chan, hm. No jutsu, no kekkei genkai, keep the weapons to kunai, no throwing. I have a first aid kit with me and I want everyone to swap partners every few rounds, hm." With that, I sat under a tree and signaled for everyone to start. I would join in, but I had other matters to attend to.

My clone appeared by me and handed me a bag with something that I will either regret or thank myself for in the future.

A thick blank journal, with a pen.

Black leather-bound with 400 pages, specially made with the ability to seal words with just a couple drops of my blood. I saw this bad boy within the first week of being in Konoha and have been saving up since. I had it custom made to be fireproof, so unless Itachi decided to use Amaterasu on it, I don't have to worry about my art destroying it.

Taking the pen I began writing, the circles and lines came naturally to me as I wrote in English. I don't trust my memory to remember everything about this world. So I'm writing everything while it’s still fresh in my mind.

I want to preserve all of the information I know about this universe, both its people and the timeline. Naruto's section took almost ten pages, biography, and all. It's going to take weeks before I finish this book. But I planned on having the characters to be scrambled, so Madara's page would be right after Tenten just so it's harder to decode. That, and I'm gonna have an index on page 394… my inner Harry Potter fan squealed at the idea.

I sneaked a glance at the kids and they had long since swapped partners, Kimimaro was patiently moving Naruto's arms and legs, teaching him stances. This made me smile, he's taking the big brother role to heart.

Hinata and Sasuke however, were just going at each other. Shuriken and kunai were flying in each and every direction, and Hinata was using her Byakugan while Sasuke spammed fire jutsu. Well, that explains why my brothers were a good 50 feet away. You could hear calm bamboo flute music between the boys… and it's just a war zone between the clan heirs, I swear I could hear Sephiroth's theme song in the background.

I had to get in between the two when a kunai nearly impaled my neck. "LUNCH, hm!" Everyone but Naruto, who was used to my volume, jumped and stood with deer-in-headlights eyes. Hinata and Sasuke began to turn red in the face and ears respectively and quickly joined me. My brothers weren’t too far behind.

I handed them all their lunches, Sasuke was pleased when he saw sun-dried tomatoes with pasta. Hinata got an adorable bento lunch with some pre-made cinnamon rolls. Kimimaro, since I had no idea what to feed him, got a high calcium lunch with a rich green salad and some cooked fish.

And Naruto…

"AW SWEET! RAMEN, DATTEBAYO!" I decided if everyone else got their favorite food, he should too. Thank Kami that scrolls could preserve heat, and thank Kami for clones, so useful.

I kept my lunch to just be some leftovers. I got extremely lazy with my lunch and I wanted chicken.

Maybe I should have been reborn as Shikamaru.

The whole affair was peacefully silent. No awkward tension, no negative topics, just the sound of nature and the occasional comment on the food or someone's taijutsu skills. At some point, Hinata tried to apologize for her and Sasuke breaking my rules but I waved it off. As long as no one got hurt I was fine with it. Once the boys were done eating, I handed them papers and pens.

"Write down anything you need and/or like to have in your room. We will not get everything at once, but it will give me a good checklist, hm." I paused, noticing acid green eyes looking at me with uncertainty. "Kimimaro if you argue I'm going to make you wear a dress, hm." I poked his stomach when he opened his mouth to protest. The problem: if I told him to wear a dress, I am pretty sure he would!

...I am now tempted.

After lunch, Hinata had to leave because she promised to train with Neji. My heart soared at that news, he took my advice and talked with his cousins! Yes!

When Hinata left, Naruto was frowning, "Who the hell is Neji, dattebayo?!" Either I accidentally dropped chili peppers in his ramen, or there was steam coming out of his ears.

"Her cousin, hm."

He then deflated faster than a popped balloon. Haha! I know a crush when I see it. He still talks about Sakura a lot though so… who knows. Kimimaro seemed interested in Neji, as he enjoyed his spar with Hinata. I guess I have some introductions to do later on.

I offered to walk Sasuke home, but he simply handed me the box that used to hold his lunch and leave. "The least you could do is say thanks, Duck-butt!" Crap, I'm killing Naruto again.

"Why do you call him Duck?" Kimimaro asked, looking at me with a puzzled expression.

"Seriously, why am I the only one that notices his hair looks like the butt of a duck, hm?" Naruto's clutching his stomach from laughter. Maybe I should stop… he's gonna barf at this rate.

Kimimaro and I both patiently waited for Naruto to stop laughing, the kid nearly passed out and he was turning blue. Kimimaro smacked his back to bring air back in his lungs.

Once things had calmed down I took both boys out shopping. I started with the basics, clothes. Kimimaro had plenty of outfits, but Naruto needed some new clothes because his growth spurt is going to be soon. So, I took them to the store I usually shopped in, as I like the quality and the pricing was fair.

The shop owner greeted me with her usual smile, I politely returned it while nudging Naruto and Kimimaro to the yukata section. I am unaware of what she thought of Naruto, but it's best to be safe than sorry.

And then the lady's young daughter, a pretty thing but with the voice of a bat, latched onto my arm. Yep, I have a fangirl, I don't even know her name and I don't care. This has happened every time I come here and it started after my third visit. The girl was about a year older than me, but apparently, she had a thing for blonds… and long hair… and blue eyes. Apparently.

Sadly for her, I don't have a thing for brunettes… or women in general. Unless you're Anko or Konan, but that's personality and not… _personality_.

I let out a heavy sigh. "Please let me go, hm." Don't kill, don't kill. You like this store's clothes, you do not want to make a scene. Do not attract your brothers' attention.

"But Deidara-kun~ It's been too long! Tell me about your missions!" It is _nuzzling_ my shoulder! My entire body bunched up like something covered with germs was touching me. A shiver ran up my spine. This was _not_ okay, I am _not_ comfortable how the hell does Sasuke deal with this?!

I tried to keep a blank expression. "I can't, I have some errands to do. I'm sorry, hm." It is so hard to be polite. I'm used to overly affectionate people, but I just want to get away from this girl! I NEED AN ADULT, UNIVERSE!

"Yo!"

'Kakashi I love you, I love you so so so much, I would kiss you if you weren't over ten years my senior and wearing that goddamn mask. Did anyone ever tell you that you are a fucking saint?!'

Without warning, I twisted my body to face Kakashi, the girl lost her grip from the movement. 

"Kakashi-san! Hello!"

He pretends to be oblivious to what he just witnessed. "Hokage-sama wants to speak with you. I'll escort you there."

'Yep… I want to shower this man in kisses and admiration.' I quickly nodded. "Alright, but my brother is still picking out a yuka-" Something tugged my sleeve. Looking down Kimimaro was holding up a… oh Jesus.

A bright orange yukata covered in white flowers with a dark blue obi. Naruto picked out a girl's yukata… Well, at least it's cute.

"Nevermind, hm." I cautiously took the bright object and bought it. I also saw Kimimaro discreetly escort Naruto out of the shop. Crisis avoided.

"Deidara-kun! Promise you'll visit soon~" The girl cooed.

I grabbed Kakashi by the arm and dragged him out. I handed the bag to Kimimaro, told them that I'll catch up later, and got the fuck out of there.

I need a new store to shop at. I'd rather be around Daiki.

~^~^~^~^~

I entered the Hokage office to find Hiruzen, a stack of paperwork, and a small parcel on top of it.

I give him a questioning gaze and he took a drag from his pipe. My nose wrinkled.

"These are official adoption papers for both Naruto and the Kaguya boy. Once you are of jonin rank in Konoha's eyes, you will fill these out and they will be completely under your guardianship."

I pause for a moment, "But I'm not a Konoha shinobi, hm."

He motioned towards the parcel and I opened it. Well well well…

It was a Konoha headband, with black cloth instead of blue.

"I was able to get approval for you to be a chunin, with you having to wait until you are 14 to become a jonin."

I was taken aback by this. All I could do was a bow, tie the headband on my forehead, pick up the paperwork and walk out while Hiruzen chuckled at my baffled expression.

Kakashi tilts his head at me, "Congrats. You're-"

"I'M A KONOHA SHINOBI, HM!" I was now jumping for joy and squealing. Who cares if I'm Deidara?! I'm a motherfucking shinobi of the Hidden Leaf Village!

I ended up hugging Kakashi, who awkwardly patted my back, unsure of what to do.

I let him go and with a giddy smile and a very violent bow, I ran off to my apartment. Seeing the boys approaching me, wondering why I look like a serial killer, I tackled both boys in a tight hug, smothering both of their heads in kisses.

Naruto wiggled away, "Gah! Deidara-nii?! What's wrong with you?"

I couldn't stop smiling. I pointed at my forehead, instantly Naruto starts cheering while Kimimaro just stared blankly at me.

"Can we have ramen to celebrate, dattebayo?!"

I stopped, looking at Naruto with a raised brow. He just had ramen for lunch. I looked down at my brother… before grinning like an idiot.

"Why the hell not, hm!"

~^~^~^~^~

**Side story #3: Iruka and Sakura**

It’s been a year year. A year had passed since I joined Konoha and took in my sweet baby brothers. I scarcely paid attention to the dates that flew by as I prepared the boys and myself for a “normal” life. So much had changed, Naruto was using soap, Kimimaro was going to school, I was allowed on missions outside of the village -still supervised- everything was… good.

Except there was one thing that never changed.

Naruto forgot his bento, _again_! I swear, he can remember in detail how to make food, especially ramen; but to remember his own damn food? Of course not!

"Nii-sama, would you like for me to deliver Otouto's bento to him?"

I looked at Kimimaro with a sadistic grin, "Nah, it's been a year. Time to embarrass him, hm." Kimi merely nodded, took his lunch, and left to go to his class. Kimimaro was a year behind due to his childhood, putting him in Neji's class. I often saw the Hyuuga boy training with my brother, though it looked more like dancing than fighting. At least they both found each other in friendship.

Reaching the academy, it didn't take long for me to hear Iruka yelling at Naruto for one of his pranks… Wait, he pranked someone and didn't tell me?! Oh hell no!

I nearly scared the shit out of everyone when I slammed open the screen door shouting. "NARUTO, STOP FORGETTING YOUR LUNCH! Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, hm." I faked an apologetic smile to Iruka, who was clutching a hand over his heart. Poor guy.

The scarred shinobi quietly observed me before looking at Naruto, "Go back to your seat, I need to speak with your brother."

The blonde sighed in defeat. He grabbed his lunch, but not before I snuck a kiss to his cheek earning a "DEIDARA-NII!" And several students laughed at his expense.

Stepping out of the classroom, Iruka closed the door, "What did you need Sensei, hm?"

"You can just call me Iruka, Deidara-san." Iruka bashfully began to scratch the side of his face, "Well, I need a favor."

I motion for him to go on.

"This is my first year of teaching and..." He sighed. "Most of the civilian students are not taking the idea of being a shinobi seriously. Especially the girls, who almost always spend their time gossiping or watching Sasuke. I uhh…." he clapped his hands together, "Could you maybe teach a lesson on shinobi life?"

"...So you either want me to make these kids take this lifestyle seriously, or scare them enough to make them quit, hm?" Honestly, I was surprised for a moment, but then I remembered that Iruka was a new teacher. This isn't the Iruka that risked his life to protect Naruto, this was an Iruka who had no idea what the hell he's doing. I could relate... in a way.

After he nodded, I smirked with a hint of the Joker pulling my lips. "Alright. I have an idea, hm. So here's the plan..."

**3rd person POV**

Naruto was glaring at his classmates, grumbling to himself about his Nii-san embarrassing him.

"It's not so bad, N-Naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered reassuringly to Naruto. Hinata and Naruto had become close friends, and a year of Deidara's training has made Hinata more confident. Though she would still slip up every once in a while and stutters.

Naruto still had a crush on Sakura, but whenever someone bothered Hinata, he became extremely protective of her. This wasn’t something that went unnoticed by other classmates, students learned not to bother Hinata when Naruto was in the room.

Naruto nodded pouting, 'Gah she's right... Deidara-nii actually tries to take care of me. I just wished he wasn't so… so…- He's a brother, not a mom.'

Naruto's thoughts were interrupted when Iruka and Deidara re-entered the room. Hell, everyone went quiet as the same thought rang through several minds: 'Why did he come back?'

Iruka coughed, "Class. This is Deidara, a former Iwagakure shinobi, now Konoha chunin, who will be teaching you about the shinobi lifestyle." He sat down at his desk. Many of the students begin bouncing in their seats with excitement.

Deidara developed a Kindergarten teacher's smile and clapped his hands. "Okay, so who here already has a shinobi relative or had a shinobi relative?" All of the clan kids, a small handful of civilian kids, including Sakura and Naruto, raised their hands. "Perfect. Then feel free to ignore this lesson unless I call on you directly, hm."

Kiba whooped and Shikamaru almost instantly slammed his head against his arms to take a nap. Most of the other kids either started to talk to their friends or the studious ones like Sasuke, Sakura, Shino, and Hinata kept listening. It didn't take them long to realize that this was a test.

With an even, but threatening tone Deidara continued talking, "Congrats! Those who decided to talk... can get the _hell_ out of the classroom, as your chatter would be a disturbance, hm." One glare was all it took for those students to shut up. Someone in the back of the room gulped. "Thought so. So, Iruka-sensei has given me free rein to talk about whatever I want, so I'm going to do that. The first step is the kekkei genkai."

All of the clan kids instantly straightened their backs, except for Shikamaru, who was out cold.

"Kekkei genkai are special chakra natures or techniques that are passed down through the generations. From the Hyuuga clan's Byakugan to special natures like the lava release, each of the five great nations has several rare bloodlines within them, hm. Konoha having the most and Kirigakure having the least."

A civilian student raised her hand, "Why does Kiri have the least?"

Deidara looked at the student dead blankly. "Because those with kekkei genkai are slaughtered on sight, hm." The mood quickly turned grave as several students exchanged looks. Choji scooted closer to his sleeping friend for comfort. "Anyone born with unique abilities is killed the moment they are discovered. The Yuki clan is all but extinct, the last few are spread thin to keep their members safe. In fact, my other brother is the last member of Kiri's Kaguya clan, hm." A few kids began whispering about Kimimaro.

"That's why clans are so secretive here in Konoha, rarely letting outsiders in. Other villages would risk war for their unique chakra. Kumogakure being one of them; they have attempted to kidnap those from Konoha with the intent of studying their bloodlines, and most likely breed the kekkei genkai into their own village, hm. And no, I am not saying every shinobi in Kumo is bad. If you accuse me of such I'll beat your tiny ass into next week, hm."

Several clicks from kids closing their mouths just now occurred. Iruka was giving Deidara an unsure glance for the swearing.

Shino calmly raised his hand, "Do you have a kekkei genkai?"

Deidara put his hands on his hips, "That I do Aburame-kun, I have the explosion release kekkei genkai, hm." Those that didn’t know Deidara leaned in with interest… except for Shikamaru. "It actually relates to my next topic: The shinobi lifestyle."

Without warning the blond rose his arms and showed off his palm mouths, earning screams from the girls and mixed reaction from the boys. Naruto, Hinata, and Sasuke just sighed, already used to the palm mouths.

"I was not born with these, I stole a forbidden jutsu that allowed me to knead my explosive chakra into clay. I was branded a traitor and a rogue shinobi to my old village, hm. I became a shinobi at the age of seven, by the time I was nine I became a chunin, and I left my village almost two years ago as a jonin. I have murdered, and flatten villages with my jutsu, hm."

A few civilian kids exchanged nervous glances.

"Konoha is at a time of peace, but the threat of war and imminent death looms over all shinobi. Once you are a shinobi and on the battlefield, it's no longer all fun and games. Your greatest rival may be the one to save your life, hm."

Naruto and Sasuke gave each other the stink eye through the barrier that was called Hinata.

However, some of the civilian students began to stop paying attention. Mutters between them can be heard, some girls are talking about boys, and a "This is boring…" reached the bomber's ears.

"Ladies, don't be shy. Raise your hand if there is someone in this very room, that you have a crush on, hm."

90% of the female population raised their hands giggling, even Hinata was timidly raising her hand. Of course, when Naruto saw both Sakura _and_ Hinata raising their hands he began to glare menacingly at Sasuke. Kill intent wafted the air like a week-old body odor and clung to Sasuke.

Sasuke returned a glare, 'Dobe, Hinata likes you. She doesn’t like me.'

"Well, seeing as you girls were able to pay attention when I mentioned love... you should pay attention now. Sasuke-kun, I would like to talk to you in private, hm."

"Hn." Sasuke got out of his seat and left the room with the bomber. Everyone was confused but some of the more aware students became suspicious. It was no secret that Sasuke spent time with Deidara and trained under him.

Choji began to shake Shikamaru away. "Shika, I think something bad is going to happen..."

Shikamaru grumbled awake and sat up, "Troublesome, everything will be okay." He then cracked his neck joints and slumped in his seat. Choji begins to munch on some chips to calm his restlessness.

Suddenly, shouting was heard in the hallway. The shouting turned into thuds and the screen door was thrown off, sending splintered wood and torn paper everywhere.

A tall man wearing a plain white mask entered the room, a katana strapped to his hip, and Sasuke being dragged inside by the back of his head. Deidara was nowhere in sight, but the hallway was decorated in a red substance.

Everyone was either shouting at the man to let Sasuke go, or suffering from the bystander effect. Even Naruto was frozen on the spot.

Iruka shot up from his seat, pulling out a kunai but froze when the man did a hand sign, "P...paralyzation jutsu… d-damnit!"

The man spoke in a powerful, booming voice. "Listen up. One of you... kill your sensei, or your classmate dies." Several girls in the room began crying, while many of the boys were unsure what to do. Kill their sensei? Impossible! How did this guy get into the academy?

Finally, someone moved. They threw a branch at the man.

The one to throw the branch was Sakura, standing by a window where a tree was nearby. Terrified for her own safety, she took the third unspoken option to protect her classmates and the boy she loved.

Take down the masked man.

Startled back to reality, Hinata activated her Byakugan and got into a defensive position, eyes flickering with confusion for a moment. Naruto had to be held back by Kiba and Choji so he didn't fling himself at the man. Many of the clan kids grabbed kunai and shurikens from their backpacks. Hell, even a handful of civilian students got ready to attack, one of them even armed with just a pencil but held it like it was a deadly weapon.

The masked man pulled out his katana and pressed it to Sasuke's throat. "Pinky, you want to save your boy? Face me head-on if you dare." Blood started leaking from Sasuke's neck as the katana pricked him. Sakura's face morphed into fear as she saw the red liquid. Blood on Sasuke's neck, he was going to die if she didn’t move.

"How about you break your jutsu instead?" The masked man's shadow turned black as Shikamaru calmly sat in his seat. The man began to mimic the Nara's posture, dropping Sasuke who was also caught in the jutsu.

Naruto looked at Shikamaru confused, "What do you mean Shikamaru, dattebayo?"

Shikamaru sighed, "Isn't it obvious? That's just your brother in a henge and Sasuke's playing along. Why do you think Hinata hesitated?"

Naruto looked at Hinata, who seemed unsure about the whole thing.

The man let out a laugh, "You really are a bright kid, Nara-kun. What do you say, Iruka-san? Sasuke-kun?"

"I'd say Shikamaru and Sakura handled that with flying colors." 

"Hn."

A collection of "WHAT?!"s Rang out as the class looked to the back of the classroom.

There stood Iruka with a bashful smile, and Sasuke nonchalantly checking his nails. Kiba and Choji release Naruto, who went to wildly shake Sasuke while hurling insults. 

Hinata slumped in her seat relaxing. When she had activated her Byakugan, Sasuke had made a shushing motion to her within her field of vision. Tricking Naruto was near the bottom of her priorities, but since no one’s lives were in danger, she tried to play along.

Soon the masked man and the other Sasuke turned to earth and crumbled away. And the Iruka at his desk transformed into Deidara in a flurry of clouds.

"And that, students, is what shinobi risk every day for the rest of their lives. And most of the time, at least one of them doesn't return home alive, hm."

**Deidara's POV**

I spent the latter part of the morning explaining why I scared the piss out of everyone. At the same time praising the students that acted properly to the situation. The red stuff was just tomato juice from a vending machine. A clay clone cleaned it up.

I was inspired by Kakashi's lecture he had given to Team 7 in the anime, where he threatened Sasuke's life after the bell test. But the school environment made me more uncomfortable, as this was extremely close to home in my old life. I had to keep reminding myself that guns have not been invented and that everyone with chakra could do worse damage with a single hand sign.

By the time lunch rolled around, I heard half of the civilian kids in that class were asking to be transferred to a regular school. It explains why by the time the show started the classroom only had about 20 students, rather than the nearly 30 bodies in class today. News of this will spread and more of the kids unqualified to be shinobi will most likely transfer too. 

Better that they stay alive and live productive lives than be death fodder if you ask me. I want to keep the body count to a minimum if possible.

I sat down with Naruto and Hinata for lunch, Sasuke went to go eat somewhere else, as he doesn't like being bothered by his fangirls. Kimimaro was preoccupied with training with Neji, promising he'll eat after a few rounds.

"Hey, Sakura-chan!" Naruto waved excitingly at the pinkette in the distance… staring right at me.

'Here we go again…' Time to manipulate another kid. Damn, I should have been reborn as Sasori, I feel like a puppet master- 'NOPE BRAIN! Shut up! He's even worse than being Deidara!' With a sigh, I stood up and walked over to the girl.

"Can I help you Sakura-san-"

"PLEASE TRAIN ME TO BE A BETTER KUNOICHI!" Sakura screamed out, bowing low and her face a bright shade of red. Holy shit, the kid’s got a pair of lungs!

"And ...Why should I, hm? Besides, when you threw a branch at my clone's head, I have yet to hear anything good about you as a future kunoichi." Harsh, but true. Besides what I already knew about her from my past life, Sasuke was rather blunt in his thoughts about her. However… if I could get her to focus on being stronger… She is an earth type. I know some jutsu that she could learn.

"I… I want to be able to protect Sasuke-kun! I don't want to be standing helplessly on the sidelines! Please train me!"

"No."

“But-”

"Your entire posture and appearance tells me you care more about your looks than your strength. I heard you’re also on a diet." Information from Sasuke. "I just don't see the point in training someone who doesn't even have a goal or someone they strive to be like, hm." As I turned to leave, Sakura grabbed my sleeve. Better than my hair... I'm looking at you, Neji.

"If I figure out my goal as a shinobi, will you train me?"

I stared down into those mint green eyes, just what I wanted to hear. But I must stay apathetic, uninterested, like training her had to be worth my time. "Fine, but you also need to have a balanced diet. Eat what your parents feed you and pack some food for training. In fact, go ask some adult kunoichi on what you should eat. Find a goal or hero by tomorrow and I'll train you, hm." I paused in thought. "Oh, and don't bother Sasuke when we train. At. All. If you bother him and you’re not his training partner, you can forget learning anything from me, hm."

Sakura hesitated, her head turning in the direction I’m to assume Sasuke was. She chewed on her lips, then nodded and ran off to the library. Well, that worked out.

~^~^~^~^~

The next day, Sakura approached me with a book clutched closely to her small frame. She nervously shuffled her feet and held it out.

It was a book about Tsunade and her achievements in the medical field.

I waited, staring her down and looked for any signs of a trick. The girl squirmed under my gaze, trying with everything in her power to keep the book on display. It was like watching a child begging their parents for dessert because they got a good grade on their test.

"This weekend. Bring kunai, shuriken, a water bottle, and wear clothes that you don't mind getting all dirty and sweaty in. I do not believe in going easy on the first day, hm." With that, I turned on my heel and left the girl standing there dazed and confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that these updates will not be on a regular schedule. I'm starting school in a week and I'll be busy by then. Not to mention the chapters will start to become longer as I developed an update schedule and found a balance between story-telling and time management back in 2017. This is still a side project and if I have to prioritize, I'm going to focus on my main story first.
> 
> Again, thank you lovely readers for taking a look at this project that was just waiting for me to tackle.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of events before the main timeline kicks in - Part 1 of 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so I'm gonna explain how the timeline for this works. Year 1 means the first year of the reincarnation, so everything from chapter 1 until now has been "Year 1", the months are how many months it's been since the reincarnation. Long story short: Year 1, month 3 means the SI has been in the Narutoverse for 3 months.
> 
> Year 2 and onward just goes by month order plus special dates. Hope this clears things up. The side-story last chapter with Sakura happens during the timeskip.

_Year 1, month 3_

Naruto finally got a 70 on one of his tests. He came home with a beaming smile and excitedly proclaimed that I owe him jutsu training.

So I did, I took him outside and helped him perfect his substitution jutsu. I even taught him how to use other objects when in non-tree areas.

...I'll have to write an apology letter to the Anbu watching over Naruto after my visit with Kurotsuchi and the old man.

_End of month 3_

Naruto ran out of the house to meet up with Shikamaru, Choji, and Kiba. It's good that he is making friends without my influence. He needs to be able to stand on his own. I had to chase him down to give him some snacks though.

Returning to the apartment I looked over at Kimimaro, who was just sitting on the sofa reading a book. He needs friends, really badly. A lightbulb appeared above my head as I got a mischievous grin. "Kimi-kun, I'm going to the Hyuuga estate, wanna come with me, hm?"

My brother looks up at me for a moment, before springing into action. He was always so eager to go wherever I went. A "no" was impossible for him to give to me.

I let out a small laugh and took him to the estate. Hiashi had everyone remember my chakra and face so I wouldn’t get attacked whenever I entered the front door. Thank Kami for that, the last thing I want to do is accidentally blow up a Hyuuga. The butterfly effect would be catastrophic.

Ko was the first person to greet us, Hyuuga men I guess, just don’t age well. He's my age, yet he had the face of an adult. I would say I'm jealous, but I like my youthful glow… shit, I'm spending too much time with Guy.

"Hinata-sama is waiting in her room… uh, who is that?" Ko points at Kimimaro, who has learned that unless he wants to get kneed in the back, he'll stand next to me and not behind me.

I give Ko a disarming smile. "This is my other brother Kimimaro. I brought him here to meet Neji-kun, as they will be classmates in a few days, hm." Sadly, I couldn't justify him being put in a class with kids his year. Kimimaro would be more behind than he already is, plus I don’t know who he would graduate with. It's better he just graduated late and be able to catch up. Having him be there during Naruto's first chunin exams would be helpful as well… and another chance to rub it in Orochimaru's face.

At first, Ko looked unsure, but Hiashi appeared out of thin air, "It's fine Ko, take the boy to my nephew. I'll escort Deidara myself." Ko quickly bowed to the Head Hyuuga and with a nod from me, took Kimimaro to the training grounds.

As I was walking with Hiashi he gave me a mini progress report, "Hinata is starting to hold her head higher, she is still timid but… I expect by the time Hanabi is old enough, Hinata will keep her title. There will be no need for them to fight."

All I did was smile and nod. I knew she was making progress, but Hiashi admitting I was right fueled my ego a bit. And I love my ego.

_Two hours later_

Hinata and I went to the Hyuuga training grounds after cutting her lessons short. She nearly fainted when I told her to yell at me since she went three sentences without a single stutter. I guess she's not ready for yelling just yet. We’ll get there.

Reaching the training grounds, my brain could only think of one thing.

'Is this a battle… or a dance-off?'

Kimimaro and Neji were fighting, each one gracefully twisting their bodies to dodge each other's hits. The Kaguya and Hyuuga taijutsu movements were in harmony with one another, as they both used their kekkei genkai to best each other. I found myself not even blinking as Kimimaro’s bone blade barely missed Neji’s ribs as the boy bent to the side and _under_ the bone, ending with a Gentle Fist stance.

It was an even match.

I wish I could play music just to see if I could get the boys to dance. This made me wish these two had fought during the Sasuke Rescue arc. As much as I love drunk Lee, imagine the beautiful animation we would have gotten!

Sadly, they noticed our presence and stopped their fighting.

"Why did you stop? You two were fighting so beautifully! Go on." I motioned my hand for them to continue, "We're just watching, hm." I sat next to Hinata who had made tea, 'When did she make that..?'

Neji had to bend his body backwards, as Kimimaro almost instantly began to continue where he left off. It didn't take long for the Hyuuga boy to join in.

Observing the kids closely, I realize that they are _smiling_! Two normally stoic, serious characters, were smiling like a couple of nerds at a convention. It was so precious I wish I had a camera.

Note to self: Buy a camera, or make Deidara's scope and input a camera.

_End of year 1_

I have successfully created my scope. PICTURE TIME!

_Year 2, January_

It's New Year's. I am definitely out of my element when it comes to how this holiday is celebrated in Asian cultures. Being American meant annoying fireworks, red, white, and blue _everywhere_ , and lots of drinking from the adults. It seems like in this universe, it's more of a festival and food ordeal.

I decided that instead of just awkwardly trying to wedge my ragtag family into the festivities, I would take them to get their photos taken. Kimimaro already seemed overwhelmed by all of the lights and different yukatas, and Naruto was uncomfortable with the close quarters. 

Maybe next year.

I helped Naruto into his eye-burning bright orange yukata, and Kimimaro got dressed in his grey yukata. I allowed him to keep his hair down for this, as putting it up would look odd and none of the hair accessories went with his clothes.

I had gotten myself a blue kimono with white and pink moutan peony sewn in, with a nice, wide, silver obi tied just below my chest. Do I look girly? Hell yeah! Do I care? Hell no!

Naruto just looked at me skeptically, "Are you sure you’re a boy, Deidara-nii?"

"Naruto, you have seen me naked. Yes, I am sure I am a man, hm." I also have this really deep voice and my lack of boobs should be enough hints. Such an innocent child.

I took them both to a photoshop, I had booked a spot a while back. Since no one apparently does pictures for New Year's in this village, I had gotten a nice spot where the trees still had leaves and there was a body of water in the distance.

The boys took their picture with each other, it was just a cute "hold each other's hands" photo. I then took photos with each of them. Kimimaro's was more of a traditional Japanese family photo, with my hands resting on his shoulders. On the other hand, with Naruto, it was me kissing his cheek while he tried to get away.

Finally, I knelt to both of them and brought them into loving embraces. Having the two of them face the camera, in a soft whisper I said the one thing that was long overdue in their ears.

"I love you."

Our family photo was Kimimaro resting his head on my shoulder, with a peaceful gaze. And Naruto crying, but with a big smile on his face. I'm just smiling, with nothing but love in my eyes.

~^~^~^~^~

Later that same month, I gave the boys their late New Year's presents. Silver rectangular lockets that could hold three pictures. Each brother got a picture with each other, one with them and me, and then our family photo. I already had mine around my neck -a fourth segment so I could have all of the pictures- as I helped them put theirs on. I specially ordered both lockets to be resistant to chakra, and Kimimaro's had to be reinforced with stainless steel just in case his bones try to cut it.

At least now, we each had a piece of each other close to us.

_Year 2, February_

**Naruto's POV**

I skipped class with Choji, Kiba, and Shikamaru, it was fun just relaxing and eating snacks. Though Iruka-sensei caught us and we got scolded. Who cares? Well… Nii-san does, but he's busy today! And class ended early within minutes of us returning anyway, so what's the point? It's not my fault a paint bomb exploded in the teacher's staff room… heheheh.

Kimi-nii's class didn’t end for another half hour, so I sat on the swing by the academy and watched as kids got picked up by their parents. Teme and Hinata had to go home so I'm alone right now.

"Ugh… it's him…"

Here it comes, moms like to gossip about me. I can hear them whispering, they always call me things like monster or demon. I still don't understand why. Deidara-nii calls me sunshine, kit, and baby. When talking to both me and Kimi-nii we are the “chibis”... I like Deidara-nii's nicknames. So… why do these ladies' words hurt so much…?

"I'm so glad my child isn't in the same class as that demon."

"I feel bad for the ones that are in his class… after all, he's-"

"Shhhh he might hear you." They all sneak glances at me.

I hate this feeling, I am not alone anymore… but I feel like an outcast… I-

"Otouto?"

I lifted my head to see Kimi-nii standing beside me. I faked a happy grin, but Kimi-nii is smart, he could tell I'm faking. A frown formed on his usually blank face.

"What's wrong?"

I gulped and glanced at the women. He noticed and heard their whispers. Kimi-nii then put his hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes.

"Do you know them?"

I shook my head, "No…"

"Do you know their kids?"

"Nu-uh… they're not in my class…"

"Are any of them, in any way, shape, or form, connected to Nii-sama?" Huh?

My confused face must have given him an answer.

"Then what should it matter what a bunch of adults say? They are simply wasting their time and making themselves as ugly as their hearts. It's shameful and pathetic." I could hear the ladies gasp with rage and I winced.

"You should have a better respect for adults, young man!" One of the women shouted at Kimi-nii… I felt an anger bubble inside me. But it was quickly put to a halt by Kimi-nii's words.

"Then you should have a better respect for those training to protect selfish boars like you, ma'am." Kimimaro let a sharp bone slowly form from the palm of his hand, scaring the women away.

He had the bone go away then pulled me into a hug. "What matters is you have Nii-sama, myself, Hinata-san, and Sasuke-san in your life." To emphasize his point, he jingled the locket that Deidara-nii gave him.

I smiled for real this time, wrapping my arms around his neck in a returning hug. I sighed, "Yeah… Yeah, you’re right."

Kimi-nii helped me off the swing then gave me a piggyback ride. Ruffling my hair, he then shinobi runs home while I laugh at his attempt to cheer me up.

I love my Nii-sans.

_Year 2, March_

**Deidara’s POV**

After months of asking, I obtained permission to train in the Forest of Death. The council and some jonin were adamant about keeping me out, but once Hiruzen had put his foot down, they agreed to let me train there.

Time to work on C4

.

_Year 2, Early April_

At the request of Iruka, I disguised as a rogue shinobi and scared his class. Sakura begged me to train her.

_Mid-April_

Sakura truly was a bright child. Every task I gave her, she would perform it with her best effort. But her fangirling habits hadn’t died out. At first, I had hoped she would have kept her opinions in her head, but that was like expecting an ostrich to swim. I've had to physically remove her from the area because she would become distracted by Sasuke or Naruto would be distracted by her. Hopefully, by the time summer rolled around, I could get her to punch Sasuke in the face without crying about ruining his "perfect nose".

Eventually, I was just sick and tired of Sakura's crap. She's holding herself back and it's disgusting.

"Sakura, you seem to be focusing more on grace than power, hm."

“Mhm..” She began to twirl some of her shoulder-lengthed hair while eyeing Sasuke, who was taking a break and absentmindedly sculpting. He's gotten better and it's been a good stress relief for him too. But… this girl…

I snapped my fingers in her face, my lips pulled into a snarl. "Oh no. If you are just here to watch Sasuke, you can get out of here, hm."

She just gawked at me, but after my arms folded in confidence, she snapped at me. "No! I want to become strong! I won't leave!"

"Honey,” I squatted to her height, grinning from ear-to-ear. “Sasuke is not interested in you. The only thing he has eyes on is the clay in his hands. Frankly, you don't even know him so why stare at him all the time, hm."

"I do know Sasuke-kun!"

"Do you _actually_ talk to him when you’re in class? Do you know what he wants for his birthday, or what his goals are? You didn't even know he liked art until last week… you don’t even know his hobbies." I got in her face, "I don't even see why you like him, hm."

She paused, her cheeks changing to the color of her hair. "W...well he's strong and…" Her face turned redder as she began to think of reasons for liking Sasuke. Needless to say, I'm not impressed.

"If he didn't have the Uchiha name you wouldn't even _look_ at him, hm. There is nothing about him that's worth dating besides his name." I pointed at Sasuke who was actually nodding. "Even he agrees with me! There is nothing about him personality-wise that makes him attractive, hm!"

"THANK YOU, DATTEBAYO!" Naruto throws his arms in the air with a "Banzai!" as Kimi did a quiet facepalm.

Sakura, a girl half my size, had for some reason… decided to try and push me. "YOU'RE WRONG! I DO LIKE SASUKE-KUN! YOU'RE JUST A-"

I slapped her across the face.

The force from the blow sent her small body flying for several feet and landed harshly onto the ground. Naruto winced and held his own cheek while the others stared at me in shock. I have never struck someone before, I usually just bonk them on the head or knock them to the ground. But Sakura just… Kami, I never liked her, even before watching Naruto a friend showed me Sakura and I instantly hated her. The hard part with being in a world that I grew up watching has been, for the past year, getting used to the idea that these were people.

I guess my temper had to snap at some point.

"Get the hell out of here. The people here actually want to be stronger, you have potential but as I see it now... All I see is a kid who’s goal harms my students. You claim you want to be like Tsunade, but I guess that's too much even for you, hm." I apathetically watch as she ran off crying.

“Wasn’t that a little… harsh, Deidara-nii?” Naruto asked, shrinking under my gaze.

“She has to learn her lesson. She chose to join the shinobi academy instead of a regular civilian school and this is the cost, hm.”

_End of April_

While working with Naruto on chakra control, Sakura returned. I patiently waited for her to speak when she suddenly dropped to her knees and gave me a low bow.

"I'm… sorry… for acting like a brat… please teach me, I will stay away from Sasuke-kun until I have proven myself and you that I can be strong. Please give me another chance."

A small smile forms on my face as I make her stand up, "Start running laps, hm."

Hopefully, by summer I can not only get her to punch Sasuke in the face, but I can also begin to like her for who she is.

_Year 2, May_

Researching on chakra control in the library, I began to do two different things when it came to my training.

The first was whenever I didn’t wear my scope, I was keeping that particular eye closed. I remembered that every time before Deidara’s fight with Sasuke, his left eye was always either closed or covered with a scope. I theorized that years of darkness or limited exposure to light allowed Deidara to see through the Sharingan, as it is a visual jutsu. Hopefully, this will work with Tsukuyomi as well.

And the second part of my training was whenever I was outside, I refused to wear shoes. I kept a pair of sandals in my clay pouch just in case I needed to walk inside a shop. But other than that, I just walked barefoot and focused small amounts of chakra into them, making my feet sensitive to vibrations.

With time, I hoped to develop the ability to see through the vibrations, just like Toph from _Avatar The Last Airbender._

Being an earth user, I only thought this would be fitting. I am no sensor type, not even close, so I have to make myself adjust to the new sensations I was feeling. But if I can make it harder for people to sneak up on me, that just helps in staying alive. Being a walking lie detector had its perks while I was at it.

Besides that, it's just really cool to be able to feel everything. Like right now. Daiki is coming this way… wait.

Shit, Daiki.

I ran in the opposite direction as I heard the kid screaming out, "SENPAI, WAIT! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SHOW YOU!"

"SENPAI WILL NOT NOTICE YOU, HM!"

_Year 2, June 15th_

For Kimimaro's birthday, I took him out and got him a flower pressing kit. I often caught him in the Yamanaka flower shop, so I thought he'd like to have a hobby. I think Hinata also enjoys this hobby so maybe I should have her teach Kimi how to press them properly.

I really wanted to throw a party, but the Kaguya boy was not having any of that. To him, spending one-on-one time with his big brother was good enough.

I ended up nearly suffocating him in a hug from that.

As we were heading home, I couldn't help but notice Kimi looking at a shop's window as we were walking. I only caught on because it was what I used to do as a kid, just quietly look at something and pray my mother would notice. Discreetly, I looked at literally the only thing that would have caught Kimi's eyes.

It was a stuffed dragon and it reminded me of Haku from _Spirited Away_. In fact, I am 99.9% sure it was designed that way too. A long white body with a sea green spine, even the face was similar, just turned cutesy. I stopped in my tracks, causing Kimimaro to bump into me.

Without a word, I walked into the small toy shop and bought the dragon. Kimimaro had very few things to call his own, a small stuffy to snuggle with at night was just what he needed when the nightmares came in and I wasn’t there.

I took the bag with the flower pressing kit then handed Kimi the dragon, "I'll carry your other present. You hold that, hm." I watched as his cheeks began to glow a soft pink and he hugged the plush, pressing his face against the dragon's long body. Women in the area began to aw at Kimimaro's reaction and I led him away.

I took Kimimaro away from his intended fate on a dragon, and now he has a little dragon to call his own.

"Happy Birthday Kimimaro, hm."

_Year 2, July_

Sasuke and Sakura stood in front of each other with the other kids watching. I have spent the last three months teaching Sakura taijutsu and earth jutsu while making her research medical ninjutsu. Needless to say, if everything works out, she'll graduate stronger than before.

It also helped that I convinced her to cut her hair short, so now she spotted a cute bob that was longer in the front and shorter in the back. At first, Sakura didn't want to cut her hair, what girl would want to change their hair because someone said so? So, we made a deal. She had one hour to grab my hair, and then she had to keep her hair safe for an hour. I won within thirty seconds. I shared with her some words of wisdom. 

"If I had the intentions to kill you, I could just grab your hair and snap your neck. Until you can keep it from being a hindrance, cut it off, hm."

Her parents weren't happy seeing their daughter come home with hair almost reaching her ears. Naturally, I had to sit down and talk with them about it. However, Sakura has actually commented that she felt lighter with short hair. So I see this as a win.

"Begin, hm."

Sasuke quickly started by throwing shuriken, but Sakura dodged them by rolling on the ground. She weaved hand signs just like how I taught her and went underground like the earth absorbed her. Sasuke looked around, trying to sense where she was, but he couldn’t locate her.

That is until she popped out of the ground and punched him in the nose. The blow knocked Sasuke right onto his ass, blood rolling down his face and he sat there in a daze.

I’m so glad I installed a camera onto my scope.

"Winner, Sakura. Duck-kun, you should put ice on that." I laughed with mirth. He quickly wiped his face while giving Sakura a nod in acknowledgment.

While Naruto and Hinata began praising Sakura, Kimimaro walked over to me. "Nii-sama, sakura is a flower, correct?" I nodded, eyeing my little brother. "Then when you first began to train Sakura-san… she withered, but now she is blossoming and starting a new beginning right?"

I had to stop and think about that. Leave it to Kimimaro to become all philosophical on me. 

"Yeah, I guess you're right, hm."

Sakura was blooming into a better kunoichi.

_Year 2, October_

For three months, I was blessed with a fairly normal life. No one attacked me, the kids all got along fairly well, Hinata even found a friendship in Sakura too. Kimimaro and Neji were almost inseparable, always training together... it was honestly cute.

The boys had found out that they missed my birthday entirely, honestly, I forgot about it. I thought Deidara was born in March for some reason, it turns out it's May 5th. I had to spend a whole day with them to make it up. Not complaining, it was a pretty fun day.

I went through a small stage of depression during the anniversary of being reborn in this world. Considering I died three days after my birthday, I had a right to hide in my room and sulk all day. 

I got over it pretty quickly though, as I have a role to play and roles to destroy. Besides, October is here, I love this month!

Since everyone was doing their own thing today I went with Naruto, who had planned on meeting with Choji and Shikamaru. Now, those two I am going to keep my influences to a minimum. Choji became a good shinobi through his experiences and Shika… well, he's just a badass in general. But I wanted to meet them while they were still cute and small.

I was not disappointed.

Shikamaru was helping with Naruto with schoolwork while I swapped recipe ideas with Choji. This was a good opportunity for me, as the Akimichi clan were foodies.

"You're a pretty smart kid Akimichi-kun, I never thought about using beef that way, hm." Choji almost instantly became shy as I praised him, hiding behind a bag of chips.

"T-thank you… but please, call me Choji! You're Naruto's brother after all!" Everyone needs to stop being adorable, I swear.

I ruffled his hair, "Sure Choji-kun, now go and play with your friends. And thank you… for accepting Naruto, hm." I watched as the boy returned to Shika and Naruto, and I ended up falling asleep while cloud gazing.

_October 10th_

It would have been a crime for me to not do something special for Naruto's birthday.

I made a cake with a fondant ramen bowl on it. Although I refused to make a ramen flavor cake, Naruto got strawberry and chocolate flavored one instead. Hinata and Sasuke showed up to help decorate the house while Sakura wrapped presents. I had Kimimaro keep Naruto busy while we prepared the little party.

Later that day Kimi returned with Naruto, and boy was Naruto surprised to see a party all set for him.

The event was actually pretty fun. Naruto got his frog wallet as a gift from me, stuffed full with money and a few ninja tools from the other kids. In the end, Sasuke and Naruto had a cake war after Naruto accidentally flung cake on Duck-boy's shirt.

With permission from everyone's parents, I let the kids have a sleepover with movies and snacks. Neji came as well to hang out with Kimimaro. Choji, Kiba, and Shikamaru joined in later since they all had clan training. The three boys brought snacks and some more presents for the blond.

By the time midnight rolled around, I was tucking everyone in. I had some clones collect everyone's futons from home, except for the girls who I put in my room to sleep in. Sakura and Hinata had expressed that they were comfortable sharing a futon, but I made sure they had their own blankets and pillows either way.

As I was tucking in Naruto who had settled in a futon between Sasuke and Kiba, he looked at me sleepily.

"This was the best birthday ever, dattebayo…"

I let out a soft chuckle and kissed his forehead.

"Happy birthday my little kit, hm."

I turned off the lights and went to sleep in the boys’ room.

_Halloween_

I spent the whole day scaring the shit out of everyone. Despite the whole village being full of paranoid shinobi, no one seemed to understand that Halloween is a day of fright.

Yes, I asked, Halloween was a thing. But based on the high-pitched girly scream Ibiki gave me, you'd think it wasn't. It's not my fault he can't seem to handle my stilt-legged costumes! Maybe it was the soulless white mask… who knows. Maybe I should see him next year as an onryo just to see if it was just the westernized monster design.

At least the civilians caught on pretty quickly that I was celebrating Halloween, hell some even helped me with my pranks.

The evening was making Jack-O Lanterns with my brothers and eating sweets. Naruto and I got sick though.

Totally worth it.

_Year 2, December_

Weirdly enough, they celebrate Halloween and yet Christmas was not a thing. Oh well, I spent the month training in the Forest of Death and visiting Iwagakure. 

When I was there I had bought some earth scrolls for Sakura and me to work on. Kurotsuchi and I finally made up, though she would still try to act cute and I would shut those events down pretty quickly. Kurotsuchi seemed adamant about keeping me away from certain spots of the village, taking me to spots with good quality clay. I have no idea why she would keep me from exploring, but she must have her reasons.

_Year 3, February_

"SENPAI!"

'No... no no no no! Please leave! You've left me alone since October, please go aw-'

"Senpai! Guess what! I'm a chunin now isn't that cool?! And I've gotten super strong so we should fight and stuff! Won't be long now till I surpass you, Senpai!"

Daiki was climbing the ranks, but his mouth hadn't stopped chattering.

I sweatdropped and stepped away from the kid. "U… Um… Daiki, I'm a little bus-"

"PREPARE YOURSELF SENPAI!" He dragged me to the training grounds and began throwing jutsus at me. All I could do was dodge and wait for him to tire himself out.

On the bright side, I was able to master the art of seeing with my feet, all within less than a year of training. Now I just needed a reason to use it.

_Year 3, April_

I was about to head into the Hokage's office to discuss a mission when I heard an… unfamiliar voice? It sounded like I've heard it before, but where?

"When is this kid gonna get here? I want to get this mission done!"

'A woman..? Doesn't sound like Kurenai…' Slowly, I opened the door and peeked inside, "You had a mission for me Hiruze-eeeeen!" I was grabbed by the front of my shirt and yanked inside the office.

Oh… that voice belonged to Anko.

I'm sorry, I can't memorize everyone's voices! I only paid attention to her in the dub and everyone here is speaking Japanese!

Hiruzen sighed. "Deidara, this is Anko, I am sure you've… heard of her. She will be with you on your mission. She will also fill you in on what your mission is. Dismissed."

I was dragged out by the only person who could rival Naruto on the loudness scale. Once we began tree hopping I got a debrief on the mission: Gather intel on a potential threat and report it to the Hokage. Simple enough.

Well, it was simple… until a three-blades scythe decided was aimed at my head! Wait… three-bladed?

Anko and I landed on the ground as two more iconic faces emerged from the trees.

Ooooohohohohoh, I have been dying to meet one of the two.

Hidan and Kakuzu, the infamous immortal duo, the foul-mouthed priest, and the miser…

THE ASSHOLES THAT KILLED ASUMA!

'Calm down, hun… breath, it's not Shippuden yet. You have time…' I schooled my emotions, taking a deep breath. Anko gave me a concerned look but got into a defensive stance when Hidan spoke.

"Ah, two new sacrifices for Jashin-sama… which heathen should I offer up first?" Wow, he almost sounded polite. In a… disturbing way.

Kakuzu locked eyes with me and blinked. "Hidan, the blond is off-limits."

"Eh?! What the fuck, Kakuzu?!" There we go, I was waiting for him to swear.

"That's Deidara. The one leader told us to capture, not kill. The woman, though, can be killed. The bounty on her head is twice our target’s."

"Deidara? You mean that's the fucker leader wanted as the puppet fucker's partner?" No Hidan, he wants me to be Sasori’s maid.

In all honesty, I try not to be rude around people I've just met. I'll make a sassy remark every once in a while, but I want to make friends, not enemies. Politeness often got me what I wanted when flaunting my charismatic charm failed.

But this is Hidan...so screw politeness.

"Yikes, you kiss your mother with that mouth, or did you kill her for your pretend god, hm?" Anko was looking at me like I'm crazy.

"JASHIN-SAMA IS REAL, FUCK YOU!" Sensitive much?

"No thanks, I have standards."

I heard Anko snort from behind me. Even Kakuzu began to slowly put his hand over his eyes and I heard him muttering, "Damn brats…" while Hidan just stared at me.

I easily dodged Hidan's attacks as the man wildly swung his scythe, time for more insults!

"If you're this bad at aiming, I'd hate to see how you are in bed, hm." Anko is now trying not to laugh, she realized that I'm not in danger and was just watching with amusement.

Hidan's face twists into a scowl, "Wouldn't you like to know, bitch?" You're making this too easy.

"Nah, I'm allergic to anything smaller than two inches, hm."

Anko leaned against a tree, laughing behind her hand. "Y-You're killing me k-kid!"

Ooooo! Hidan's face is matching his eyes! What a lovely shade of pink. "Jashin-sama is going to enjoy having you as a sacrifice…"

"Before you kill me, riddle me this: What is the difference between you, and a couch?"

Hidan gives me a dumb expression and stopped. Kakuzu looks like he wants to kill someone and Anko… well, she's sorta dying by her tree.

“What the fuck…?”

"A couch gets more ass than you do, hm!" I stated rather innocently with a cheeky grin. Before Hidan could react, I simply dropped a C1 in front of him and with a "katsu!" sent him flying into Kakuzu.

Quickly grabbing Anko, I created a bird for us and flew off before the immortal duo could stop us. For good measure, I sent several smaller clay birds at them to distract them. Channeling chakra into the larger bird, I sharply changed course so they couldn’t follow, flying high into the air to cover our flight patterns.

Well, that's one thing off my bucket list!

Anko smacked me hard on the back, causing me to cough, and she gave me a wide grin.

"You're all right. I think I'll keep you around! Wanna get some dango after this mission?"

I gulped nervously before nodding. Well,l at least she likes me.

Little did I realize, I made a really good friend on that mission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the first half of the timeskipping scene. I... honestly don't know why my 18-year-old self decided to format it like this. Basically it was a series of crack-ish ideas/reviewer requests that I had put together into a coherent collective narrative.
> 
> Couple of things I'm gonna go over here about Deidara's abilities: Regarding the scope, that's the only logical explanation for why Deidara was able to develop an eye that could counteract the Sharingan. This was not an original idea, I read it on a forum somewhere in 2017 when researching the possibilities. It makes sense since Deidara's scope suddenly goes missing during his fight against Sasuke.
> 
> Second: The Toph sensory thingy. The chakra flow is the same as someone who walks on water or up walls in this world, he's just constantly sending chakra to his feet. The self-insert took inspiration from Toph and morphed it to where he's now a walking GPS and lie detector.
> 
> This was also when the fanfic was still in the "Let's write this and see how it goes!" phase. I really didn't go into planning like I do my other fics until I started a regular update schedule. How the heck I managed to make a 54 chapter fanfiction, I will never know.
> 
> Oh well, hope you guys enjoyed the fluff and introduction to Anko! She's gonna show up a lot in this story so get used to her!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of events before the main timeline kicks in - Part 2 of 2

_Year 3, April_

Holy shit, I didn't realize how badly I needed adult interaction until I started hanging out with Anko. Don't get me wrong, I love my brothers, I love Hinata, hell Sasuke and Sakura are worming their way into my heart… but they're children, and minus Kimimaro, they have the mentality of kids. I've been starving for someone that I can make adult jokes with and have them understand me!

"So, how old are you, Dei-chan?" Oh… yeah, she calls me Dei-chan, kill me, please. I feel like I'm five.

"I'll be 13 in May, hm." I've been waiting for that question, I think most people assume that I'm 18 or something. They're not wrong in a way since that was around the age when I died, but who knows what these people thought?

Apparently, Anko had the same thought process, her eyes bulging out as she nearly dropped her dango, which I caught. "Wait… you're almost 9 years younger than me, yet you made those kinds of jokes to that guy?"

"Who, Hidan? _Yep_!" I pop the p at the end while taking a casual sip of my tea. It's fun messing with people about my age and gender.

She looks at me confused while making random hand gestures in my direction. It took me a moment to understand them.

'Ooooh, she's wondering how I know those jokes and why I seem older. I love girl code.'

"I am mature for my age. It keeps people from underestimating me." I stated with a casual shrug. “At least… I think I’m mature for my age. It can be hard to tell when I spend every waking moment with people younger than me, hm.”

"B...But… you… I mean…" Uh… I think I broke my new friend.

"Anko-san? Hello?" I wave my smiling hand in her face to snap her out of it. I picked up one of her dangos and shoved it in her face as a distraction. "Don't worry too much about how I know this stuff. I just read a lot, hm."

Oh yes, I've read _lots_ of stuff.

_Year 3, end of April_

When I wasn't experimenting with C4 on random giant insects in the Forest of Death, on missions, or spending time with Anko or the kiddies, I was looking for something.

In a remote bookshop in Amegakure -how ironic- I finally found what I was looking for.

_The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi_ By Jiraiya.

It was old, considering it looked as though no one had picked it up, but minus some signs of age, it was in perfect condition. I grabbed the book and a few other novels for the boys to also enjoy and paid the old lady who ran the bookshop. A shriveled woman in a dark blue kimono, her eyes in a permanent grin but her mouth always smiling.

She looked at Jiraiya's novel and adjusted her glasses. "Oh my, I wasn't aware that I had this book."

I rubbed my neck sheepishly. "I've been looking for it for a while, I was lucky enough to find it in this shop in such a good condition, hm." Hopefully, I can get Jiraiya to sign it.

"Well, I hope you enjoy your reading, young man." Lady, I love you, you guessed my gender right using my voice.

"Thank you, ma'am." I bowed politely to the old lady as she giggles. I then quickly left the rain village because it was too close to the Sound for my liking.

Wait… Otogakure.

~^~^~^~^~

Three days of prepping and getting permission from Hiruzen to "Bring another lost soul into the village, hm." I headed towards Otogakure. Or… at least what will be Oto. It's not on any maps yet.

I must be a glutton for messing with Orochimaru. I can't help it, it's so much fun!

However, this is yet another gamble. I have no idea how Orochimaru's hideouts work, nor do I know who lives where besides Suigetsu. So I'm going in blind regardless of what I do.

I managed to sneak into the hideout with minor difficulty. There are a lot of snakes in the area, and none of them liked me. Pity, the tigers in the Forest of Death come right up to me for snuggles, but snakes? Nope, they hated me.

Removing my shoes and putting them away I stomped the ground to get a feeling of the area. A map painted in my mind, each twist and turn spreading out like a Da Vinci diagram. Every trap highlighted to my chakra and every person a wisp of beating hearts.

" _Ooooh, how lucky! They're in this hideout!... Aw shit, so is the snake himself… Odd… there's no Kabuto_." English was used for solo missions to bring me comfort when I needed to think. Sometimes thinking internally left details behind, but speaking out loud was a clear reminder.

I cautiously walked through the empty hallways. As long as I keep an eye... feet… on Oro's location, I could avoid him. It seems like he's experimenting on… I forgot his name, it's that spider boy from the Sound Ninja four. He was four hallways down and rarely moved from his spot.

I managed to find the prisons deep within the structures, I don't see flute girl -Tatuya, I reminded myself- or… fuck, I forgot the fat guy's name too. They died too quickly and overall never caught my interest. Ignoring all the taunts and jeers from the unnamed prisoners, I stood in front of a cell with my target...s.

"You and your brother want out of there, hm?"

Sakon looked up at me, weakly glaring Ukon remained silent as I began sculpting some clay.

"What?" Sakon asked with a slight rasp in his voice.

"I said, do you two want out of there? Come on, make up your mind before that pedo-snake shows up, hm." Sakon slowly stood, and I took in how thin they were. These two weren't treated properly, I guess. And they share a body frequently too… I’ll need to fatten them up.

"Why make the offer…?" Well, at least he's not complaining.

"Because I'm taking you two to Konoha, I'll explain everything there. Stand back, I'm blowing up the doors. Once it's open, you run. Do as I say, and you're free, hm." Sakon backed away as I blew up the door.

Almost immediately, Sakon bolted out and I was right on his tail. Ukon gave me a wide-eyed, slack-jawed expression as I waved at him without so much as a blink.

"I'm Deidara by the way, hm."

"Sakon, and my older brother, Ukon is the one looking at you."

Ukon blinked at me, "Hello." It was kinda creepy considering he's just a head.

These two always interested me since you never see twins in the show besides fillers... or they appear for one episode then die. Their ability to become one body and possess bodies also interested me, these two are ones I definitely want as allies. If I had found the others, I would have taken them too.

That, and Kimimaro needs more friends.

I could feel Orochimaru heading over here at high speeds. Without thinking, I had my clay chocobos appear and made the twins get on one. "Wait for me outside, hm!" The brothers vanish from my sights. Just in time for someone to appear from down the hall behind me/

"Oh, it's you again."

The voice brought shivers down my spine and not bad shivers. I turned to see Orochimaru observing me with calculating eyes. Fun fact: I actually like Oro. He’s an interesting villain, and I rarely get to see scientific geniuses being created without being total psychos. Plus, his appearance as a child is just squee-worthy.

I give him a bow, not a mocking one but rather a polite one for the moment. "How do you do, Orochimaru-sama? I am pleased to inform you that this is not the last time I will be interfering with your research, hm!"

Even he seemed confused by the positive energy I'm radiating out. "Why steal those two out of any other prisoner?" He's asking the good ones here.

I broke into English, " _Because I knew they were in your hands, also Sasori says hi! I really must go now, I need to prepare for Itachi's return to the Leaf._ " The man only understood "Sasori" and "Itachi", and now he’s probably under the impression that I am secretly working for the Akatsuki.

Kabuto will be busy for a while. I expect to see him soon.

… I really should mess with the guy during the Chunin exams.

Oro began to weave hand signs, his bloodlust oozing out like liquid fire. I responded by setting off several C1s, hopped onto the other Chocobo, and noped the fuck out of there! Any unwanted time around Orochimaru without backup was a fool’s mistake, and I wasn’t ready to be killed just to save Ukon and Sakon of all people.

A few minutes of riding later, and I found the twins waiting for me. They were separated and conversing with each other. When I approached, they quietly looked at me.

Ukon cleared his throat, "We don't care why you freed us… but we are grateful, we will follow you to Konoha." Neither bowed, thank Kami, but they seemed to understand that I had good intentions. At least Sakon did, his shoulders relaxed, and his body on the verge of collapsing.

I sighed with relief. "Oh, good, I was worried I would have to beat you two into coming with me, hm." They flinched, and I internally winced at my mistake. I keep forgetting these two were experimented on to the point of becoming sadistic jackasses.

"Sorry... poor choice of words there. Let's just go, hm!" They agreed, annoyed by my word choice.

During the ride back to the village, I informed them about Konoha, the laws, where they would live which was next door to me. I also asked them about the academy, and thankfully, these eleven-year-olds seemed interested in learning. I also informed them about Kimimaro and they planned on introducing themselves to him later.

Reaching the village, we were greeted by Anko, who, after smothering me in a hug, questioned who the twins were.

"I found them locked in a cell, this weird snake guy tried to stop me, but I got them away, hm." All it took was for me to say "snake guy" and she began checking over the twins. "They're suffering from malnutrition, but I don't sense any issues with their organs."

Anko sighed in relief before helping me take the twins to meet Hiruzen. While the guys talked, Anko pulled me into the hallway.

"Look, I won't go charging headfirst into this, but where did you find them? I need to know…"

"In a series of underground tunnels several miles from Amegakure. I found them and a bunch of other prisoners… they were the only kids, hm." That I could get to at least. Spider boy was with Oro. "The adults were… monstrous, deranged, nothing about them seemed human…"

Anko put a hand on my shoulder. "Well, I'll help keep an eye on those two. I…" She bit her thumbnail. "I was that man's student a long time ago, and…" Her hand touched where the curse seal was sitting on her neck. Right, Orochimaru did have the curse seal, Juugo just helped perfect it.

I gave her a hug, "Thank you for the support Anko, hm." She returns the hug, but our moment was interrupted by Sakon.

"WE WILL NOT BE SENT TO A HOSPITAL!"

Mama mode activated.

I barged into the room and saw Sakon and Ukon being held down by Anbu. "OI!" Everyone paused and looked at me. "Let me talk with the kids. Get off. Now." My lack of a grunt made the Anbu fling themselves off the boys, learning first-hand how protective I can get. I had nearly beaten one to death when they got too handsy on Naruto after a prank gone bad. Actually, I’m pretty sure he retired.

At an instant, the twins rushed to hide behind me. Why do chibis cling to me so quickly?

"We won’t be tested on!" Ukon.

"You said we wouldn't be put in any more labs!" That was Sakon.

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "They are not going to experiment on you two, if anything, they want to try to reverse any damage Orochimaru may have caused on your bodies, hm. You both are skinny and can fuse together. Just… let the doctors take care of you…" I gave them a reassuring smile, trying to keep my tone soft. "I'll stay with you two the whole time… if that helps, hm."

With that promise, they cooperated. Sadly, all of the damage Oro had done was permanent and they'll need to go through therapy, but it could be worse. They, at least, are curse seal free.

The pit of my stomach went cold, remembering spider-boy. Was he…? Did I leave a kid behind to get the curse mark? Would he survive it in this timeline, knowing that I distracted Orochimaru for those short minutes?

I shoved the thought to the back of my mind and helped them settle in the apartment next door to mine. It was a simple set-up, and all they needed were some clothes, food, and toiletries. Once they were settled, I invited them to dinner. Naruto was confused by the fact that they are identical, but Kimimaro got along swimmingly with them.

"Kimi-kun, would you show them around the academy tomorrow? They will be in yours and Neji-kun's class." They are around Neji's age, after all.

Kimi nodded. "Yes, Nii-sama." He took the twins to their apartment, reassuring them that school would be fine. I could only hope it would go well. Could Ukon and Sakon even read and write? When did Orochimaru get his creepy hands on them?

“Deidara-nii?” Naruto said, tugging on my sleeve. I looked down at him and shook my head, dismissing his unspoken question. It was fine, everything would be okay.

My little army of chibis was getting bigger and bigger every year.

_Year 3, May_

After a month, I didn't worry too much about the twins, Kimimaro kept them in line, and they provided Neji and my brother new fighting styles to work with. Ukon and Sakon never leave each other's sides and even use the fact they can fuse as one to their advantage.

Apparently, there was a lot of chaos when they first showed their abilities off at the academy. 

Other than that, the boys made me celebrate my birthday with them. I just requested they dress up and we had dinner at a nice sushi restaurant. Nothing fancy, I wanted sushi.

_Year 3, June_

Something was crawling on my arm.

Looking down at my arm, I was greeted by hell's creation. A creature so vile, so ugly, it drives me insane just having to look at it.

If it's not obvious enough, I hate bugs.

I raise my other hand to smack the bug. Sending it down with enough force to bruise, I halted just before smashing the creature when I saw its eyes.

Well damn, it's a Kikaichu.

I quickly looked around, hand still hovering the offending bug until I locked eyes with Shino. I could feel myself sweatdrop, he really was hard to notice even on a good day.

"Ah… Aburame-kun, could you have your insects remove themselves from me, please? I almost smashed one, hm." Shino held out his arm, and I had to hold back a scream as dozens flew off my body. How the flying duck… I mean, fuck did I not feel them?!

"They are attracted to your chakra." Was all he said before leaving.

I spent the next half hour neck-deep in a hot bath, and I didn't sleep for two days.

I am grateful no one in this village uses spiders.

Yeah, I'm not going to find spider boy. 

…

KIDOMARU! That's his name! … I like spider boy more.

_Year 3, July_

Anko has been helping me work on C4. Whenever we went out on missions together, she would keep our other teammates on a bird while I tested my control on enemies. It was still inaccurate, but I am now able to control how far they fly off.

_Year 3, September_

Instead of sulking in my room as I’ve done for two years, I went to find Sasuke.

"Hey… Duck-kun?"

Sasuke looked over at me, confused as to why I looked like someone whose dog just died. My hair was down in a braid, and I was hugging one of my arms. I had no energy. Frankly, the fact I even left my room on my death anniversary was a miracle in itself. Not even Kimimaro or Naruto have been able to get me to leave my room. I just… didn’t want to hide today.

"Your clan has connections to ninnekos… right, hm?" My voice barely came up above a whisper, and I wilted into myself, hating just how pathetic this was.

He nodded, motioning me to continue.

"Do you think… maybe… you could…" Kami, it physically hurt to try to ask Sasuke for a favor. I've known this kid for almost 3 years and the old bias I had of him still loomed over my head. The voice telling me to not ask him screamed in the back of my mind, trying to push further into the front. It was a battle just to loosen my tongue. "Can I... meet them…?"

"I didn't know you liked cats," Sasuke said blankly, tilting his head in thought. It always surprised me how much he’s changed, speaking more words and fewer grunts. “You never use them in your art.”

"Yeah… It’s not something… I um, want to see, hm."

He paused to think, and then he nodded, "We'll need one of your birds."

I created a bird from a clay pouch without hesitation. Helping Sasuke on, I joined him and let him direct me to the Abandoned City.

It certainly holds its namesake. It reminds me of something out of those dystopian young adult novels that were extremely popular in middle school. Run-down buildings, desperately reaching for the sky but left unfinished like a sudden halt in construction. Rust and grime-covered shattered windows, and aged paper occasionally flew across the street. Had to believe that a city like this would even exist.

I quietly followed Sasuke to where Nekobaa greeted us at her seat. I bowed to her politely, but what I was focused on were the ninnekos.

Apparently, the cats were also interested in me, as I now have about five of them purring around me.

"You have weird chakra, nya~," An orange tabby said.

"Oh yes, but it is a good chakra nya~" A lavender point Siamese mused.

"Nya, you smell like two people nyanya~" A Japanese Bobtail jumped between my legs with a hearty purr.

"We like you, you may stroke our fur, human." Oh hey, one didn't meow. A fat Maine Coon

I saw no reason to complain as I laid on my stomach and began petting these deadly creatures.

The Siamese bumped her soft head against my cheek and purred loudly in my ear. “Someone is sad, nya~” Several more ninneko joined in, practically burying me in a pile of purring fur. A laugh escaped my hoarse throat, and for the first time all day, I smiled. “There we go, a happy human.”

Several began to curl on my back while others demanded ear scratches or belly rubs. Both Nekobaa and Sasuke were watching in astonishment, as these usually finicky animals were being friendly to a non-Uchiha. Nekobaa nearly dropped her pipe as a ninneko brought me a brush, demanding I brush the Persian’s fur.

What can I say? Cats have always liked me.

This went on for a few hours, Sasuke did a few tasks for Nekobaa and I kept the ninnekos busy. When it was time to leave, I was covered in cat fur and all smiles.

"Thanks for bringing me here, Duck-kun, hm!" I hugged the smaller Uchiha, getting cat fur to cling to his dark clothes.

"Hn. Your depressed attitude was freaking me out, don't act like that again." He brushed off the fur with a grumble, but I saw the faintest of smiles on his face.

Aw, he cares.

_Year 3, October_

Naruto was taking a nap while Kimimaro was out training with Neji and the twins. I was bored, watching over Naruto while he slept. Reading wasn’t helping because the squirt snores, the apartment was in pristine condition, and you could only bathe for so long before your skin prunes.

Soon, I just ended up staring at his stomach; the temptation was right there. Rising from my seat, I quietly padded over to Naruto. Hovering over him, I gently placed a hand over his stomach. I let chakra flow through my hand, onto the seal, and allowed my mind to go blank.

" ** _Who are you, human?_** "

I open my eyes, only to lock onto two red orbs behind a cage.

"Holy shit that worked, hm!"

" ** _Answer me, or I'll kill you!_** "

Gaara much? "Chill Kurama, I ain't here to cause problems. I just wanted to check up on you, not like you could kill me, hm."

The Kyuubi paused, he then leaned forward, pressing his face against the bars. " ** _How do you know my name?_** "

I let out one of those breathless laughs and approached the bars. Kurama could easily reach out and grab me if he desired, but he wouldn’t; not when I had his attention. "You're an all-powerful creature. One-ninth of the Juubi and an all-knowing being, you know who I am, hm."

Kurama’s cruel white teeth pulled into a demonic smile and he let out a deep, throaty laugh, " ** _You are indeed smart... for a whelp. Tell me, child born twice, why are you here? To set me free so that I may rip this host apart and kill these pathetic humans?_** "

I gave him my famous, "are you stupid?" look before placing my hands on my hips.

" ** _Hm… I suppose not._** "

"No shit, Fluffy. Like I said, I wanted to drop by and say hi. I'm not going to set you free. Naruto needs to meet his parents, and he can’t with you causing a rampage, hm."

Kurama scoffed, making no comment on my nickname, " ** _You humans and your emotional attachments… then what are you doing here?_** "

"Kurama…" I gave him a small smile. "Guess what this human sees."

" ** _A tool for war. A weapon._** " Damn.

"Nah, you're just a big fuzzball. And when you and Naruto become friends, I am going to brush the hell out of your fur, and pet your ears, and pet your fwuffy tails and just oogle you wif wove!" I started gushing in nonsensical baby talk as the giant fox before me had no idea how to respond. That’s all I wanted. Those slit eyes to turn round and the shadowed head to tilt, one ear flopping to the side.

" **...** ** _You're not right in the head._** "

"I was reborn as a bomber who's obsessed with art, raising your host, and trying to change the future despite not knowing who sent me here. What tipped you off, hm?"

" ** _When you referred to my tails as 'fwuffy'._** " Kurama saying fwuffy just made my year.

I had opened my mouth to say more, but I could sense Naruto waking up, "Well, it was nice meeting you. Bye, Kurama!" I broke the connection just as Naruto woke up.

"Gah… Deidara-nii, why are you leaning over me, dattebayo?"

"Wanna have ramen?" When in doubt, avoid the subject.

"HELL YEAH, DATTEBAYO!"

_Halloween_

On another note, Ibiki sobbed in a storage closet for an hour after I crawled towards him dressed like the Grudge!

_Year 3, December_

It took me three years to have a one-on-one with this asshole. I can’t tell if I’m incredibly blessed, or this man was an idiot.

"You have gotten stronger at an unbelievably fast rate, child. I must applaud you." That's nice, only you're not clapping.

Gritting my teeth, I bowed, "Thank you, Danzo...sama." Bleh, someone give me bleach! The substance or the anime, either works! "What is it you wished to speak to me about, hm?"

"I want to know what you are planning, boy." Awww, is the wittle old man afraid of me?

Good.

"I want to make Konoha a better place where anyone can feel welcomed, as this beautiful village has welcomed me, hm." I am such a kiss-ass.

He seemed satisfied with my response, slowly leaning forward. He opened his eye to look at me with greed. "How would you like to become stronger? To tap into your hidden potential. ROOT may offer you things Hiruzen could not."

I'd sooner accept a hickey from Orochimaru; at least he's somewhat good looking.

Again, I held my tongue and bowed again, this time with less of a dip. "With all due respect," there was none, "I must decline. Danzo-sama, you offer me nothing that I desire, hm. Power? Acceptance? Tapping my hidden potential? None of that interests me."

"What is it you desire then?"

"My brothers to be happy, the future to be bright, and someone's head on a beautiful silver platter after hours of agonizing torture, hm."

He seemed interested, "Who?"

"Someone you cannot give me, hm. Farewell." I left, spooking his ROOT members with my wide-eyed Cheshire grin.

After all, you cannot personally give me your own head without cutting it off.

_Year 4, February_

I never knew what a parental heart attack truly felt like until today.

Kimimaro coughed. Such a small sound that I would have missed it if I had turned on the sink’s faucet, but it was deafening to my ears.

Naruto's gotten sick before, same with Sasuke and I took care of them like any parent should: With soup and a nice, warm bed. But Kimimaro died because of his illnesses in the original timeline. I had him tested almost as soon as I got him into Konoha, but they found nothing. No amount of blood work, medical scans, and multitudes of samples ever came up with a positive result.

Until now, apparently. Useless idiots. If it didn't bore me to tears, I would have studied medical ninjutsu.

I dragged Kimimaro to the hospital, literally dragged as he tried to go to school. He would have protested, but at some point, I had screamed at him with a "Shut the fuck up, hm!" And he went mute the entire trip. I hugged him and apologized profusely as I was checking him into his room.

Kimimaro's health is considered S-rank, locked away so only high-ranking shinobi -and me, naturally- could see it. Him living in the same house as the Kyuubi host and being last of his clan increased security on his files. I learned first-hand that Sasuke and Naruto's health records were also S-rank. Sasuke because he's from a prestigious clan, and Naruto was for obvious reasons. Convincing Hiruzen to give me copies of their records was like studying Latin using Google Translate; possible, but difficult.

Needless to say, only Anbu ranked medical shinobi could examine Kimimaro. No one was even allowed in the room unless I was present and breathing down their necks.

I sat in the hospital room anxiously bouncing my leg while Kimi sat on the bed shirtless, waiting for the doctor. At some point, I started quoting movies in English because neither art nor reading calmed me down. How my brother remained calm was beyond me.

"Sorry for the wait. Shall we begin?"

Well fuck me sideways and call me Harry Potter. If I didn't recognize _that_ voice I would have failed as a Naruto fan. The only reason I'm not shoving a bomb so far up his ass he'll vomit it out was because he’s a skilled medical shinobi. But that hood and Anbu mask are not enough to hide his identity.

'Fuck you Kabuto.'

Is what I would be saying, but my maternal instincts were in the "FIX MY BABY YOU ASSHOLE!" mode so all I could do was tightly smile and nod. "Yes please, hm."

As Kabuto examined Kimimaro and took notes, he asked me questions, "What does his diet consist of?"

"High calcium and protein, hm."

A few frantic scratches on the paper. "Activity level?"

"Chunin level taijutsu and main sparring partners are two high-speed academy students and a Hyuuga, hm," I answered sharply, keeping my answers professional enough to stop Kabuto from becoming suspicious. To him, I just sounded like a worried brother.

"Oh? Chunin level at this age? Interesting. Well, I need to draw some blood and other samples, if you are uncomfortable you may step ou-"

"Just stick him please, hm."

He paused at my informal tone then took several vials worth of blood. Kimimaro has had enough blood work for me to know that Kabuto took two more vials than normal. However, I also knew some of those will be going to Orochimaru for him to use in testings.

Whatever, as long as Kimimaro gets a cure I don't care who fixes him.

He also had Kimi use his kekkei genkai so he could collect bone marrow and gathered some hair samples. Kimimaro had me pluck the strands of hair, nearly stabbing Kabuto when he came near my brother’s head. Kabuto yelping brought a wave of satisfaction to drape over my shoulders like a comforting blanket.

"You'll get results in a few days,” Kabuto said, keeping a respectful distance from Kimimaro and me.

I bowed politely while keeping a bright, happy voice, " _I cannot wait to see you die in agonizing pain you glasses-wearing asshole. Sad past or not, you get no pity from me. If I do not kill you, you can bet Kimimaro will._ "

"Pardon?" Kabuto asked, his voice wavering slightly.

"Oh!" I faked a smile while covering my mouth with the tips of my fingers. "So sorry, I can speak two languages, and sometimes the other one slips. I said 'thank you for your help and I hope you have a wonderful day. Kimimaro and I look forward to the results', hm."

Kimimaro had a face that said, "Nii-sama you are full of bullshit," but made no comment on it. He's heard me speak English enough times to identify all of the basic curse words and death threats. I stub my toe often in the morning.

"Ah, well thank you." He leaves, but I let my English "slips" again

" _Fuck you._ "

"Nii-sama, you shouldn't swear at doctors."

"Shush baby, mommy's mad."

A pause.

"... I will pretend you did not refer to yourself as mommy."

"Good boy, hm."

~^~^~^~^~

Kimimaro's results were in. I’m going over the papers with him in that same room, with the same masked asshole sitting in an office chair.

"Am I still going to be a shinobi, Nii-sama?" Kimimaro asked, brow furrowed as he read through the file.

"Duh, I'm not going to let your hard work go to waste. The labs caught it early enough to where if we keep your diet balanced and you visit here often it _should_ be gone, hm." That, and I am so going to make Tsunade heal you.

Kabuto tried to but in, "If I may provide some advice, I know a doc-"

"Thank you but I must refuse your offer. If it's not on this file, I am not going to follow it, hm." 

Except for Tsunade, of course. I calmly took my brother out of the room while Kabuto began internally kicking himself for not tampering with the file. I sensed him actually smack his masked forehead and I snorted.

"You do not like that man, do you, Nii-sama?"

"If there weren't several dozen innocent people in this building I would have killed him by now," I growled out, looking over my shoulder to where the room was.

"...Why?" Kimimaro asked, an eyebrow raised.

"I'll tell you if I kill him, hm."

"Okay." Such a good brother, never questions my reasons if I promise answers later.

_Year 4, April_

Kimimaro was going to graduate soon and I am on pins and needles. I already confirmed with Hiruzen that Neji would be on Team Guy, but Kimimaro and the twins originally worked for Orochimaru. I had no idea who their sensei would be.

That is, I wouldn't have an idea, but I remembered that I'll be a jonin in a month. Just enough time to become a sensei.

"You wish to be the sensei of Kimimaro, Ukon, and Sakon?" Hiruzen asked, facing the window rather than me. The glasses’ reflection displayed a questioning gaze that borderlines scrutiny.

"Yes, I brought them to this village, thus I shall take full responsibility for their actions and development as shinobi, hm."

The old man sighed, "Deidara… are you sure?" I felt a lecture coming soon.

"I'll be okay. Besides, once everyone graduates I won’t be training them, hm."

Hiruzen sat in his chair and stared at me for several minutes until, eventually, he frowned. "No."

My mind blanks out at the blunt answer. "Huh..?" I needed to make sure I heard him correctly.

"I said no. You will not be their sensei or any other genin team's sensei."

I just tilted my head. I want to hear his reasoning, though it doesn't stop a small tinge of annoyance from bubbling within me. 'Bottle it up. Don't explode. Keep calm.'

"My first reason has to do with your age, Deidara. I’m fully aware that mentally, you are older than others your age. However, physically, you are still a teenager, and you do not have any experience in running a genin team. Even if you know them."

I couldn’t argue with that logic… Wait, he said "first reason"... what is his second?

"My second reason has to do with your own mental health," Hiruzen said with a grave voice.

“I beg your pardon…?” I asked, my voice losing its energy.

"Naruto… has been telling me that you've been stressed lately. You're not eating enough and often coming home so exhausted that you pass out almost instantly. You're pushing yourself past your limit." Hiruzen leaned forward, frowning like a disappointed grandfather.

'I can handle it though...' I thought to myself.

"You don't have to burden yourself with all of this stress. Surely you can take some time to relax?"

'You don't understand…' My mind wouldn’t finish my thoughts. It was as if just talking to Hiruzen _drained_ me of my energy. Have I always been this tired?

"You're 13, why not act like a kid and enjoy life?"

"I don't…" I started then faltered, crossing my arms over my chest.

He paused and waited for me to continue.

I let out a low, shaky breath, biting my lip then croaked out, "I… don't know how to act like a kid…"

He raised an eyebrow, "Why not?"

"The same reason half of your jounins are mentally broken. I was forced… to grow up, build up walls, and answer everything with ‘I’m fine’. By the time I allowed them to break, I was at an age where being childish was seen as a bad thing, hm. I would act silly and the adults around me would tell me to 'act my age' … I don't know what having a childhood is like."

"War?"

I shook my head, it’s none of his business why. "... Who will be their sensei then, hm?"

Hiruzen ignored my question and stood up. He walked over to where I was and pulled me into a hug. His grandfatherly aura overwhelmed my own and he gave a few gentle pats to my back.

"Anko said she would teach them."

I couldn't stop my body from collapsing with relief. At least the boys were in good hands.

_May 5th_

Not only was it my birthday, but I was also promoted to jounin, as per our agreement to have me promoted when I became 14.

Anko decided to take me to a restaurant that, for some reason, had a _lot_ of sake options.

"Anko, you do realize I can’t drink alcohol yet, right?" I looked up at my adult friend skeptically as she ordered a bottle of sake and some food. I just had some sushi and water.

"You worry too much, Dei-chan! Lighten up, it's your birthday!"

Easy for her to say. I have paperwork to do to officially adopt the boys and Kimimaro was graduating soon. I sighed. 'Maybe everyone's right. I rarely give myself a break… Even eating was making me want to run twenty laps around the village.'

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I didn't realize Anko handed me a cup that was not my water glass. With a blank expression and a zoned-out mind, I took a sip of what my body thought was my water.

It wasn't water.

I've tasted alcoholic drinks in my past life and it was never pretty. I nearly vomited tasting beer, I drank half a glass of soda after a sip of sake, and I did a spit take in a bathroom sink after trying wine. I found them all disgusting and never understood why adults like them.

Apparently, this body shared my sentiments. Once I tasted the sake, I sprayed it all over Anko, who busted out laughing.

"Ewewewewew Ewww!" I proceeded to stuff my mouth with eel as the sake's flavor began settling on my tongue. “Gross, hm!”

Anko was crying with laughter, clutching her stomach. "A-aw man, guess you're not a drinker then!"

I pounced on her, and we began to wrestle while nearby patrons were unsure what to think about this. Some poor employee was trying to calm us down, but thankfully neither of us kicked him. Sadly, I got my ass kicked despite the older woman being in hysterics.

Eventually, I joined in the laughter. I needed this. I needed a distraction as time began to run out on me. The main storyline was getting closer and closer each year and… Kami, what will happen?

Anko got off me and we left after paying. She took me to a quiet spot away from people, "You've been tense. What's up? Spill the beans or I’ll have to tickle it out of you.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat. I... really want to tell her the truth, but I just… I couldn't bring myself to trust her yet. I guess I could give her half of the truths behind my stress.

"I have a mission to kill Danzo in a year, hm..."

Even the crickets had gone silent. Anko forced a laugh, thinking it was a joke but she stopped when I didn’t laugh. "You're not kidding, huh?" A nod from me made her continue, "Then don't take the mission if you don't want to. It’s that simple."

"Trust me… I want to, hm. It's not killing him that I'm afraid of…"

"You're afraid of what's gonna happen afterward?"

I nodded again.

She put her hands on her hips and put her face inches from mine. "What's the plan? We're friends Dei-chan. So c'mon, spill it out. If that old farts gonna croak in a year, I want in."

Kami, I'm grateful to have met Anko.

told her everything about the Uchiha massacre. Itachi being innocent, Shisui's eye, and how Hiashi was involved. _That_ got her attention.

"Okay, wait, how the hell did you get the head of the Hyuuga clan to tag along?" Glad to know you have your priorities there, Anko! I just gave you some of the most well-hidden pieces of information in the Five Great Nations, and you're focused on Hiashi?

"Well... I sorta, maybe... took his daughter under my wing, hm."

"So... he basically owes you a favor?" She asked, rolling her wrist in a "go on" motion with her hand.

"Basically, hm."

"... I want in."

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?"

"You could stand to say it more often." She gave me a cheeky grin.

I snorted, "Don't plan on it, I like men, remember?"

"Aw, how could you resist all this?" She teasingly gestures to herself.

"Very easily actually, hm." I poked her stomach, earning me a very un-Anko-like sound. “You leave nothing for the imagination."

We spent the rest of the evening joking and laughing.

_Year 4, June_

Okay, I need to address this. It's been bugging me for the past three months, and I can't stop the odd feeling in my gut. I may be a paranoid person at heart, but if my gut is telling me something, I have to listen to it.

I think I'm being stalked by a crow.

I know, it's crazy, but every time I go somewhere or do something, there's a single fucking crow perched nearby staring at me with its dark eyes. Honestly, it's a little nerve-wracking. I can deal with the Anbu always on guard and the ROOT members trying to report to Danzo… but this bird...

Right now, I'm taking a break from training and having a staring contest with this bag of feathers on a branch. I know it's the same one because it doesn't caw. Ever. It’s the quietest bird I’ve ever seen and it’s _weird._

'I wonder if this is one of Itachi's crows.' I took a breath and began to talk to the bird. "Hey, birdie. You should go find your friends. Shoo, shoo, hm." I waved at the bird, hoping to scare it. The crow just ignored me and began preening itself.

I tried to throw some clay, and the fucker dodged it. Kicking the tree, and my foot got hurt, the crow looked as if it was laughing. Finally, short of just killing it, I decided to experiment.

"Hey, cutie, those colors still clash with my hair, hm." The crow snapped its head at me so fast I'm surprised it's still alive. "Knew it. Itachi, I'm not going to harm Sasuke, it's been four years already, hm. Little late to react, don't you think?" Damn, that bird landed in front of me pretty fast.

I give the bird a gentle smile, knowing fully well that he could see me. "I'm going to kill Danzo, and take Shisui's eye, hm." The crow stared at me, now with Sharingans. "I have a proposition for you when I obtain the eye. Meet me at the border between the Land of Fire and Land of Wind. No fighting, come alone, you and I will sit and talk. Once we are done, the eye will be yours, hm. If you don’t trust me, then feel free to continue stalking me. It’s none of my business why you want to watch over your brother.." The bird bobbed its head before returning to its preening.

"Oh yeah, Sasuke likes art now, hm." The crow was now settled down in my lap. I could tell Itachi does not have full control of it, the Sharingan was off and it let me stroke it’s silky black feathers.

Well, that was one mess I successfully avoided.

_Year 4, August_

Kimimaro graduated without any issues. It would have been quite the shocker if he didn't pass. Considering I helped him master the clone jutsu... him failing would have resulted in a _very_ painful talk with his sensei.

I had invited the twins and Neji to join us for dinner to celebrate their graduation. Naruto was jealous, but a reassurance from me that he would graduate settled him down.

Sakon was telling me about Anko, wildly making hand gestures. "She's absolutely insane! She had us go through the Forest of Death to test our teamwork! We passed obviously, but man! That woman is ruthless!" While he complained I took the time to observe the small changes in the twins.

They wore matching long grey tunic-tops with the Gemini symbol on one shoulder, Ukon's on the left, and Sakon's on the right. They wore black shorts with mesh armor covering their exposed skin except for their heads, necks, hands, and feet. They honestly looked pretty cool. And the lack of the purple rope was welcomed. Where that stupid rope would have been was instead a double-set black leather belt with kunai pouches attached by the butt.

"Careful Sakon, she's a good friend of mine. I wouldn't complain to me if I were you, hm." I booped his nose with my chopsticks before resuming my eating. Ukon just laughs at his younger brother's pouting. Teal lipstick replaced with a natural lip balm, probably used as some kind of sun protection.

Turning to Neji, "How is your team, Neji-kun?"

"Full of losers." Some things never change.

"Care to… elaborate?"

"Our sensei is an idiot, the mini him is just as bad, he can't even do ninjutsu or genjutsu. Tenten, the girl, seems only good at weapons. I wish I was in Kimimaro's team." Neji sank in his seat and sulked.

I sweatdropped and patted his head. "Neji-kun, at least try to work with them, you never know. They may surprise you. I work out with Guy-san and Lee-san, and they’re some of the best taijutsu masters in all of Konoha. If one of them punched you, you'd die, hm." I give him a closed eye smile as he gulps at the thought of death by a punch. Neji, of all people, know that my praises come with justification. Calling my bluff would not be a pretty sight.

That should calm his ego for a while.

_Year 4, October_

Okay, Sasuke and Naruto are sulking. Normally, Sasuke does all the sulking. This is worrying.

"Alright, talk, what's wrong with you two, hm?" I asked, my back turned to them and I was washing the dishes from today’s lunch.

Naruto was the first to complain, "Sakura-chan and Hinata have been acting weird all week! They won't train taijutsu with us and they keep changing their moods, dattebayo!"

Sasuke added in, "One moment they’re happy, but then we say something and they either cry or get angry."

“Yeah, yeah!” Naruto said in agreement. “I heard Sakura complaining about… what was it called? That thing with your stomach?”

“Cramps, dobe,” Sasuke said, rolling his eyes.

_What?!_

I dropped the plate I was cleaning and it shattered on the ground. Kimimaro, who was reading in his room, came bursting out and cleaned it up as my mind went on a tirade of thoughts.

'Oh god really? The poor babies! I'm going to have to send some chocolates to those girls. Holy shit they're growing up and it's gonna suck!'

One thing I'm grateful for being a boy now is that I never have to go through _that_ ever again. But I'm surprised they got theirs at the same time. Oh, I hope they didn’t faint their first day, it’s always a brutal hit.

"Deidara-nii?" Naruto was looking at me concerned while Sasuke was back to sulking.

Without a word, I sat down in front of them. "Want to know what's going on, hm?"

Both nod vigorously. I felt a Cheshire grin forming, well, they asked for it.

"You see, Hinata and Sakura are growing up into womanhood, it's called puberty. And it sucks, as it's a woman's personal hell. During puberty, a girl will have something called a 'period' in which because they are not pregnant, the world punishes them once a month by having blood pour out of a place called the va-"

~^~^~^~^~

"And that is how an infant comes out of a mother's stomach, hm!"

Poor chibis, Naruto looked horrified. Sasuke was reevaluating how he should treat girls from now on… and Kimimaro…

The kid is absorbing this information like a sponge.

"So you see boys, treat these girls with nothing but respect, because they have to deal with this for the next 40 years. Men only have to deal with it in their late teens for a few years, hm." At least, I _hope_ it only lasts a few years. Otherwise, I’m gonna hate myself soon.

Kimi piped up, "What happens to men during puberty?"

"KIMIMARO!" "KIMI-NII!" Kimi, I love you.

"Ah, you see, when a guy hits puberty… we start getting hairy, we get taller, and our shoulders broaden, hm." The boys relaxed.

"And we also begin producing spe-"

~^~^~^~^~

"And that is how a woman's egg becomes fertilized, hm."

Naruto and Sasuke were squirming in their seats, sitting as far away as physically possible without breaking eye-contact with me. Good thing I paid attention in science and health class. I'm going to go through this in a few months, same with Kimimaro so it's best we know what's going to happen. Though… something in my gut is telling me I won’t get that much taller.

"Any questions?"

Kimi raised a hand, "So what's the difference between regular blood and peri-"

He got tackled down by Naruto and Sasuke.

~^~^~^~^~

Naruto and Sasuke gave the girls some chocolate and told them how much they respect the two of them. The girls were confused, but I gave them a big grin and they returned the gesture with their own smiles.

I had to give The Talk to Hinata though, she didn't have anyone to talk to and her father just handed the supplies and told her to use them. Way to be a good father, Hiashi… _not_. He could have sent her to any number of women in the clan and she was sent to me… a teenage male.

He’s lucky I double-checked my facts with Anko.

Unlike with the boys, I gave Hinata a more tame and gentle description of female puberty. Mostly a reassurance that she was fine, and it's normal, and what it's purpose was. Basically, what I wished I was told at her age.

“And remember, Hinata. Even if you don’t feel like it during these times, you’re beautiful, hm.”

In half a blink, I was holding a crying Hyuuga in my arms. Yikes, the emotions hit her harder than I had expected, poor baby

_Year 4, December_

Kakashi helped me work on resisting lightning chakra. I actually learned that the explosion release was a mixture of lighting release and earth. I just needed to focus on the lighting side of my jutsu.

They ended up becoming extremely unstable and messy. I'm going to have to work on that.

_Year 5, January_

I couldn't hold back my glee at the sight before me.

I was sent to assassinate some rogue shinobi, and used this as my chance to test out a new chakra formula for C4. I wanted one shinobi to lose an arm and heart while the other man vanished except for his right pinky finger.

I got an armless shinobi without a beating heart and a right pinky finger.

The formula worked. I can control the molecular range of the explosion. I tested it again during another mission, and this time, the corpse lost a foot. An insane grin grew on my face as I threw my head back in laughter. Five years of training finally paid off! Soon I will be 16, and Naruto will graduate from the academy.

Danzo, it's time to greet death. You owe me some eyes.

_Year 5, March_

Puberty sucks, Kimimaro shares my sentiments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, the more time I spend working on this story (this chapter in particular took me 4 hours to go over), the more I realized that a lot of stuff that happened were because my best friend (then beta) and I would call on our free time and do random scenes. Something happens in a later chapter that was a product of me waiting for my next class and texting her saying "I want to do *insert the idea here*" and her going "Sure, why not?"
> 
> A little random thing that I'm sure many of you won't particularly care about: This fanfiction saved my friendship with my best friend. We had just started college at two different schools and had barely talked the entire month of September. But when I had told her I wanted to work on this story, we were suddenly talking 2-3 times a week, texting almost daily; this story saved our mental health and helped us stay close. I don't think we would still be close friends today if this story hadn't forced us to call each other so she knew I wasn't messing up the plot with some cracky idea.
> 
> So yeah... that's another reason why I wanted to work on this story and give it some polishing.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The timeline has started.

Naruto was practically vibrating in his seat as we ate breakfast. It's his chance to graduate and he's been training for the last five years for this day. I couldn't be more proud for him.

"Naruto, I'll see you later, okay? I have… some important business to attend to, hm." Kimimaro gave me a skeptical look. He knew that I had been training for something big, he just didn’t know what it was. Besides Anko, Hiruzen, and Hiashi, I’m pretty sure no one else in the village knew. I made sure that besides what was on my person right now, there was no paper trail to follow. Everything… would be perfect. 

Naruto obliviously nodded. "Alright, Deidara-nii- oh shoot, the time! I gotta go, dattebayo!" He grabbed his bento for once in his life and ran out the door. Though, in return for grabbing his bento, he left the door wide open.

I sighed with a smile and relaxed in my seat, taking a long sip of tea. Kimimaro puts his headband around his waist, as that's the only place that doesn't get shredded with bones. "Nii-sama, I have a mission to attend to. I shall also be back this evening."

I looked up at him. "Kimi, you're taller than me and will be way taller when you are older. Enough with the 'Nii-sama's' please, hm." It couldn’t hurt to try at least.

"Would you prefer Deidara-sama?"

"..." Damn him and his worship personality.

"Nii-sama it is then. Besides, we’re only centimeters apart in height," He replied, giving me a hug before leaving.

I took a deep breath and finished my tea. Despite tea being a soothing drink, the moment Kimi left my heart began to race. Slowly, I shuffle to my room, digging through my drawers. I pulled out a small container filled with chemical preservatives and a sealing scroll filled with tools and cleaning supplies. No wonder Orochimaru could experiment freely, he had access to all of this for dirt cheap.

I took a shaky breath, "I… can do this… I have to prepare for the last… five years, hm." My hands begin to tremble as I put the items in my empty clay pouch. I only need a little bit of clay for this one task.

A simple knock at the door caused me to jump a foot in the air with a silent scream. I quickly ran to the door and threw it open.

Hiashi was standing at the doorway.

"I will make sure you are uninterrupted." Was all he said before walking off to the Hokage tower.

My body grew numb, and I quietly gulped as I returned to my room to dress. It was time I ditched the kimono shirts and baggy pants. No more dressing like some child.

Shippuden Deidara’s outfit was comfortable, to say the least. The mesh-armor tank hardly felt like anything against my bare skin, and the crop top showed off the years of muscle work finely. Seeing that I had some time, I unscrewed a bottle of base nail coating and a bottle of onyx black nail polish. The look just… just felt incomplete without the polish.

I finished the look with the signature -and useless- ponytail and slipped my locket around my neck. Perfect. Gotta say the pants looked damn good on me too.

Exiting the apartment, I walked towards the Hokage tower. I calmly greeted my neighbors and the shop owners that have come to accept me, many doing a double-take on the new wardrobe change. I entered the building and headed up the stairs. At a particular door, two masked men laid unconscious on the ground, with Hiashi standing over them. Just a typical Thursday.

"Thank you, Hiashi-sama, hm." Stepping over the bodies, I entered the door and locked eyes… eye with Danzo. Huh… neither of us have both eyes exposed.

"What is the meaning of this, Deidara?"

I calmly closed the door behind me and locked it with a click. On the outside, I look like a dutiful jounin of Konoha. Perfect posture and a neutral face.

On the inside, my heart was hammering in my throat and I wanted to throw up. Walking to his table, I set down a harmless looking clay weasel. So much meaning behind that figure, but this man was clueless.

"Councilman Danzo of Konoha, it is time for you to die, hm," I said as plainly as if saying the sky was blue. I left no room for humor because if I joked now, I will be unable to stomach what I had to do soon.

The old bastard scoffed, "An assassination? After all these years, you'd throw away your current life? What a fool."

I felt my head tilt, not willingly, "It is not an assassination. It is an execution, hm." His eyebrows furrowed and I pulled out a modest stack of papers. "Your death shall be written off as heart failure so that you may be honored by the villagers for all you have done in the name of Konohagakure. Your crime is the unauthorized genocide of the Uchiha, charging you with both mass murder and treason. This was signed from Sarutobi Hiruzen, hm."

By the time I had finished, Danzo was on his feet, ready to unravel his sealed arm. A single hand sign from me changed that.

"Wh…. What did you do?!" Danzo's usually blank face turned to horror as his left hand slowly dissolved, particle by particle, and floated into the air. The weasel was gone as well.

"Elementary my pathetic excuse for a Watson, I have mastered C4. I spent years practicing my chakra control. It wasn't a pretty process, hm." My apathy levels rise as I walk forward, I simply stopped caring.

Danzo began to back away from me, but another hand sign and he collapsed to the ground yelling in pain as a leg dissolved.

I clicked my tongue in disappointment. I was hoping to beat him around a bit, but this is a good option too.

He gritted his teeth, "If this is my punishment, then get it over with and kill me."

I blinked, my visible eye wide, "Now…? I have you in my grasps, and you expect mercy?" My head kept tilting in a bird-like manner like I was a puppet being controlled by an amateur puppeteer. "What have you done to deserve a quick death, hm? Please enlighten me, hm."

"I… urk… did what I had to… to protect this village."

"Yes, because having an eleven-year-old slaughter their friends, family, babies, and elderly is protecting a village. You are such a hero, hm." I sarcastically rolled my eyes with mock praise.

Opening my scroll, I prepared my tools which were mostly cleaning supplies.

Realization crossed his face, "So you… came to Konoha… to avenge Itachi? Is that your game? What has he done for you to warrant these actions?"

"What has he done? Absolutely nothing, hm!" Danzo laid there staring at me, completely baffled. "Nothing that you need to know anyway." I won't give Danzo the satisfaction of knowing the truth about me. Besides, Hiashi was listening.

I knelt beside him and unbandaging his eye, and I stared into Shisui's Sharingan, unusable for several more years. "You will be the first step in bringing Itachi home and all you have to do is die. Your head was what I wanted when we talked those years back, hm." A hand sign later and the skin and most of the bone surrounding the eye dissolved as Danzo screamed in agony. When he tried to use his bandaged arm, I stomped on his shoulder, dislocating it. Can’t use Izanagi when all of your Sharingan are sealed~.

It could be so easy to pity this old man. But one thing I have learned from being in this world is that killing comes naturally to shinobi. I adapted remarkably fast and developed a thought process to cope with these deaths. Unlike Naruto, Kimimaro, or even someone like Orochimaru, I do not see a human, monster, or even a real living being.

To me, Danzo is still a fictional character. Black and white, paper, and ink. Something I can erase. This wasn’t just for Itachi, but for Yahiko, Sai, even Kabuto… this was for every orphan trapped in ROOT and for the prevention of this _thing_ becoming Hokage. The Akatsuki is what it is today… because of Danzo. My baby brother’s life is in danger… because he didn’t want a bunch of teenagers having a rebellion in another nation.

Danzo isn’t a human in my eyes.

"But I don't need your head for my plans, I need Shisui's eye, hm."

~^~^~^~^~

Danzo really did die of heart failure.

After carefully removing Shisui's eye, taking out all of the C4 from it, and then gently placing it in its temporary home, I had proceeded to slowly dissolve Danzo bit by bit. At some point, I threw up in a trash can at the sights, but I kept it up until his heart gave out. 

Maybe I shouldn't have messed with the brainstem.

I collected the remaining Sharingan and stored them in a jar, vomiting again in the trash can. Anko came into the room after Hiashi received the okay; Shave and a Haircut knock to be precise. She quickly disposed of Danzo's corpse, mindful of the jar of sharingans just sitting beside him.

Ignoring the blood, she scooped me into her arms and began to comfort me as I became unresponsive to most of anything. I barely registered her hand drawing circles on my back. There was… nothing. Was I blinking? Breathing? I had to be breathing but… nothing was right.

"Let's clean you up." She led me to a restroom. Hiashi left after we left the room, understanding that for the sake of his clan, he would not ask questions.

Anko stayed with me as I washed, allowing me to shower in my trunks while she scrubbed out the blood and chemicals out of my hair. She dressed me like a doll, putting me in the same outfit I was in before but with a fresh set of clothes. We didn’t talk and I just kept my eyes closed the entire time, not wanting to look at my hands or the face she must have been making. She didn’t touch my hair besides running a comb through it.

I was taken to the Hokage's office with Anko keeping me in a tight hug, her head resting on my shoulder, not caring that my hair was dripping wet. The images began replaying in my head over… and over… like a bad dream that wouldn't go away.

Hiruzen slumped in his seat, having long since accepted his friend was doomed. He had tried to talk sense into Danzo, but based on the fact that the cyclops was now dead, he failed. "Who else is next…?"

I looked at him and I could see my eyes in the window reflection, dull and tired. "No one in this village, hm. Most of my next plans involve saving lives, not taking them..."

He relaxed, rubbing his equally tired eyes. "Good, I will let you have a few weeks off to recover and plan. Oh… Naruto graduated from the academy this afternoon. There was an… incident, but Iruka took care of it."

That was the best news I could have gotten all day. I nodded limply as a smile returned to my face but it didn't feel real. "Thanks, gramps. I'll be going home then, hm." I began to leave until a critical thought process happened.

Okay, forget my sadness, this is more important!

I flickered over to Hiruzen, slamming my hands on the desk with enough force to send his paperwork flying. I looked at him with a crazed state of panic that flooded my emptiness, filling me with pent up adrenaline. Anko was left standing there with a dumb expression. "What will happen to the ROOT members?! There are children in that group, hm!" Hiruzen seemed to have also forgotten that detail.

"Right… is there anyone, in particular, you are looking for?"

Anko's face morphed into confusion. I promise I will explain during the chunin exams!

"A boy, he doesn't have a name, thanks to Danzo. Short straight black hair, black eyes, and pale skin... Orochimaru pale skin and uses ink for his jutsu, hm." At the very least, I need to make sure Sai is somewhere safe. I don't plan on adopting him, but my conscience will kill me if I just leave him alone. “If he has a friend, bring him in too. Another boy but with white hair... if he's still alive, hm.”

"Alright… I'll file the paperwork for him to be placed in the same location as you."

"Maybe you should have Tenzo build a structure… considering the boy is not the last person I plan on dragging into my life, hm."

At this point, Hiruzen just gave up on asking what else I knew. He nodded and began to go back to his crappy paperwork.

"Um… Hiruzen… why do you never just use clones?"

I left the office with Anko as Hiruzen almost flipped his desk. She then dragged me off to have dango and tea.

"I can't believe you did it, Dei-chan! So what's your next plan?" Her mouth was stuffed with dango. Anko, please don't talk with your mouth full.

I took a bite of my own dango, relishing in the sweet taste. After being in a room that smelled like gore, the aroma of tea and sweet sauce was welcoming. It helped block the thoughts.

"...The weasel shall be returned to its den, hm." Whenever in public, I referred to Itachi as a weasel. At this point, most people that overhear just think I'm on some long term pet hunt for my lost weasel. I wish, if I had a pet weasel or ferret, I would own a white one and name it Draco. Too bad I'm not a wind type, I would so summon Kamatari.

Anko nodded then gave me a concerned look, "Will you be okay? That kind of stuff messes with people's minds, you know. Look at Ibiki."

I leaned back in my chair, contemplating this. She's right, but then again, "Considering the things I've seen… I can handle it, or I just seal the images away, hm." I smiled as Anko relaxed. That's the beauty of this world, a simple seal can lock away so many bad memories.

But I also want to keep these memories as a reminder of my goals.

Not long after I began to relax and enjoy myself, Kakashi showed up and motioned me to follow him. Right… our agreement. Too much was happening today.

I slowly stood from my seat and followed the silver-haired man, hugging Anko goodbye in the process. He led me to the memorial stone, I guess this is so no one will listen to us, as nobody really comes around here.

"I will be Naruto's sensei."

That one sentence was enough for my mouth to run. I did, after all, agree to tell him the truth if he became Naruto's sensei.

"Do you believe in reincarnation, hm?"

~^~^~^~^~

Kakashi looked overwhelmed, also I could tell he didn't believe me.

"Do you have proof that you know the future?"

I put my hands behind my back and rocked on my heel. "Well… while you escort the bridge maker, just before running into Zabuza...You'll encounter a puddle… that's all I will say, hm."

He slowly nodded, sighing. "If it turns out you are being truthful, I’ll try to make sure Zabuza and this Haku boy live. I'll also help out with your future plans. _If_ you’re being truthful and I can’t promise it’ll work."

Well, that was more than I could have asked for, at least I'm slowly branching out and accepting help from others. I'm certain if I just kept doing everything on my own, I'll go nuts. I almost did while killing Danzo. With a low bow, I left Kakashi to go home.

I returned home absolutely drained, each footstep was like dragging cement blocks. I just... need a hot cup of tea and some downtime.

"DEIDARA-NII! I'M A GENIN, DATTEBAYO!"

Oh right… I forgot I'm technically a parent. Parents don't get downtime until the kiddies are asleep.

I gave my hyper brother a tired smile, "Congrats Naruto, I'm proud of you, hm." I wrapped my arms around him in a warm hug. Such a nice hug… I could sleep like this, "Tell me all about it."

And he did.

Turns out that he graduated just like in the anime and manga, except his failure was because Mizuki tampered with the room so Naruto's chakra went haywire. Naruto learned about Kurama the same way as well… just without Iruka’s life being in danger. Mizuki lasted all of two minutes against my brother.

"Deidara-nii… did you know…?" Naruto asked.

"Yep. I've known since day one, hm."

"Then… why did you take me in..?" 

Kimimaro handed me a cup of tea, so thoughtful.

"Naruto, if I had problems with the fuzzball inside you, do you REALLY think I would have taken you in, hm?" I pulled the preteen into my lap and held him against my chest. He’s so huggable. "I took you in, not because of the fact you have the Kyuubi; but because in my eyes, all I saw was a child starving for love." I pressed my lips to his ear and whispered, "And I had more than enough love to give, hm."

Naruto went quiet and I took a sip of my tea. Soon he hugged me tightly, thankfully I wasn't drinking at that time.

"I love you, Deidara-nii."

I motioned Kimimaro to join in the family snuggles, which he obeyed.

"I love you too, Naruto. I love you, Kimimaro. I love this little family we were able to create."

Within minutes of snuggling I was out like a light, my head colliding with the soft sofa like a hammer to a nail. Kimimaro had put me in my bed and the kiddies went to sleep later that night. Everything was peaceful and I got some needed rest.

What could go wrong?

~^~^~^~^~

_Tap_

The sound came from my window, “Ugh…” 

I had a pounding headache, was this what hangovers felt like but without the alcohol?

_Taptap_

"Go away, hm… tired…"

_Taptap… tap_

"Fuck off you son of a half-baked _Twilight_ vampire…" I created weird insults when tired. I don't even care who I'm insulting right now.

…

“'Thank you-”

_TAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAPTAP_

" _MOTHER FUCKER_! Oh… you…" The English died off my tongue faster than the spider I found in the boy's room yesterday.

Outside my window was Itachi's crow, rapidly tapping my window like he's a fucking woodpecker. I all but crawled to my window to open it before something breaks… the window or its beak, not sure which one.

"Can't I sleep in Itachi… please?" I rubbed my open eye and yawned. The crow hopped into the room Sharingan activated and just stared at me. "You Uchiha and waking up at stupid hours in the morning… Sasuke wakes up early too." I looked over at my digital clock to see how early it really was.

5 in the morning.

"..."

I then noped back to bed.

That is, I would have noped back to bed, but the fucking feather duster next to me pecked at my ear until I sat back up.

"You are _so_ lucky that I like animals, hm."

Standing up I stare down at the bird with annoyance. I grabbed my outfit for the day and got dressed. Thankfully, it looked away.

I put the crow on my shoulder and went to get some breakfast. Feeding the crow some meat, I drowsily ate my own breakfast. On several occasions, slamming my head on the table from sheer exhaustion, which the crow would peck at the back of my neck and make me shoot back up. Turns out that is a very sensitive spot for me and I do not like it being touched!

"You should be in bed, Nii-sama."

I looked up from my food to see Kimi in the doorway to the kitchen. He was in his pajamas. Black button-up with cutesy skeletons dancing on the fabric, and mint-green slippers. His dragon plush draped over his shoulder like a security blanket… cute.

"I'm going weasel hunting, hm." Blunt and simple.

"... Nii-sama…?" Kimimaro tilted his head.

"I need to be awake to hunt for weasels, go back to bed, honey. I'll be home later, but not sure when. Make sure Naruto takes a bath when he comes home, hm."

"The bird…?" The crow had turned off his Sharingan just as Kimimaro had entered the room.

"Don't ask… it's been following me the past year, hm."

He nodded with an unsure expression. He slowly went over to me, shooed the crow off then hugged me before he returned to bed.

My head slammed onto the table again. I'm tired… five more minutes…

_Peck_.

"OW!"

~^~^~^~^~

I headed out to the border, reaching there within a couple of hours by using my Chocobo. I’m still tired, my entire body aches, and there’s an inn with a hot spring right next to me. Screw all of the health risks of hot water and sleepiness, I have not been to a hot spring this entire time I’ve been in this world and I'm gonna go all Kid Icarus on it!

I quickly rented a room for the day, informing the lady at the desk to expect a "Handsome man with black hair and dark eyes, he will have lines on his face, hm." 

After setting my stuff in the room, hiding Shisui's eye in my Chocobo's stomach, thank Kami for clay creatures, I hopped into the warm water. Despite the rules of inns, I kept on my trunks, mainly because I do not trust myself or the universe.

Closing my eyes, I let myself finally relax. Yep, I can see why even monkeys love these baths, it’s heavenly. Because it's so early in the day no other guys were in the baths. Good for me, I have no idea how I would react seeing another naked man-

"I love springs as much as anyone, but isn't it a little too early for a bath, Deidara?"

I screamed a… okay, I admit it, I screamed like a girl and sank into the water, completely forgetting that I lack the assets to be shy about.

Timidly, I peeked over my shoulder and my eye locked onto pale feet with purple nail polish.

'Don't look up, don't look up, don't look- He has nice abs... ABORT MISSION! DISENGAGE! TOO MUCH SKIN!'

Dammit, Itachi! Warn a girl… guy, _whatever_ when you are going to enter a bath with just a towel on!

I pushed my feet against the rim of the bath, swimming back about ten feet from the Uchiha as he began to enter the water. I smacked my hand over my visible eye and kept everything from the neck-down submerged. My poor virgin eyes were not ready to see Uchiha torso!

Yes, I said torso, I ain't planning on looking anywhere else anytime soon!

"You are a strange person."

"Next time warn someone when you enter a hot spring, hm!"

"It's a hot spring… did you expect me to sit by the water fully clothed?" He’s totally laughing at me.

"No! I mean.. yes…? I mean… STOP CONFUSING ME, HM!"

"You're acting like this is your first time being in one of these…"

"..." I sank into the water until my mouth was almost completely submerged.

"Ah. Makes sense. You are aware that Konoha has several hot springs, correct?"

"Shut up… I'm body shy okay, hm?" Oh, gross, water in my mouth. I spat it out. "Do you think I had the time for hot springs while raising two children and watching over at least three others at any given time?"

Was... Was Itachi _laughing_?!

I kept my eyes shut until I was certain Itachi was settled in the water. Opening my eye, I’m eternally grateful that the steam made my face naturally red. I was willing to bet most of the color on my cheeks were not from the hot water.

He didn't seem to notice I was one step away from a nosebleed. "You’re rather difficult to capture. Our leader wants you alive, but you are never alone or you were using that molecular jutsu of yours."

Finally, feeling comfortable in my own skin again, I sat up straighter. Damn it, he's still taller than me. "Glad to know I'm so popular. I still don't plan on joining, hm."

"Yes, the colors clash with your hair… hm." He had the nerve to smirk after the "hm".

I splashed Itachi with water.

"Damnit, I get enough of that crap from your brother! I can't help my speech impediment, hm!"

He chuckled, kinda odd seeing him so relaxed. "My apologies, you make it too easy."

I splashed him with water again.

"Besides, I didn't mean to say that, I just needed something weird to say so I could get away from you guys…" I blinked a few times, then shrank where I sat. "In another timeline... I would have joined, hm."

"What do you mean?" He finally looked over at me. Yes, victory, I have his full attention.

"It's not Pein that wants you guys to bring me in, it's the Masked Man, the one you call Madara." I took in a deep breath and squared my shoulders. "Itachi, when you use your Tsukuyomi," He tensed up. "... Would you have access to my memories, hm?"

"... Yes, if they’re willingly given."

Thought so, he would never invade others' privacy. "Then activate the genjutsu, please. I don't truly believe you’re Itachi and I want to avoid eavesdropping. My memories are yours, hm."

I look into a pair of red eyes and I was trapped in Itachi's domain.

~^~^~^~^~

That went well. At least he didn't encounter too many disturbing memories.

"You're reincarnated..?" Itachi got out of the water with me. Our faces were flushed red and I had to squeeze water out of my hair. Itachi was smart enough to tie his hair up before getting in the water. Though that strategy failed with the double splashings.

"Basically, hm." I patted myself dry with my towel and slipped on my clothes again. Ugh… I'm getting black spots in my visions. That's not goo- heeeeyyy the floor is getting closer! Hi, floor! Nice to meet you, I’m-

"Deidara?"

I blacked out.

~^~^~^~^~

Sometime later, I woke up in the room I had checked into, snuggled in a futon. Sitting up something silky slipped off my front and landed on my lap.

It was an… Akatsuki coat?

"The fuck…?" I poked at the article of clothing draped over my legs as if expecting it to come to life. It took seconds for panic to wave over me. The coat? Shitshitshitshit! Please don't let the last five years be a dream! I did not join the Akatsu-

"Calm down, Deidara… that's mine."

I whipped my head in the direction of Itachi's voice. The Uchiha prodigy was sitting at a table, eating some dango and, drinking green tea without his coat on. He looked somewhat amused at my mental breakdown. Haha… jerk… you're too pretty and sweet to be mad at.

… I opened my mouth to question if he is the real Itachi.

"Your first… 'episode' of this world was watching Sasori fight that Sakura girl, your friend had to spend 5 minutes explaining how his body was a puppet and how he could have a grandmother." He paused, staring down at his tea. "You focused on him having a grandmother more than him being a puppet."

Okay, he's the real Itachi. Also, Sasori vs Sakura is the worst episode to start with. Doesn’t help that the next immediate episode I ever watched was when Pein was fighting all of Naruto’s frog summons.

I let out a sigh of relief and I looked up at the ceiling, "What happened, hm?"

"Your body gave out due to chakra exhaustion and the heat. I brought you here so you could rest." He took a sip of tea. “You’ve been out for a day.”

A whole day? Wow. "Sorry…"

"I woke you up early, that’s my fault. But I can now understand why you reacted in such a violent fashion to me entering the springs." He then went quiet, staring into his cup of tea.

"Uh… Itachi?"

He looked at me through his bangs, "So… my plans for Sasuke fail…?"

I swallowed, here comes the train wreck, "Y… yeah… it fails up until the war… He would have killed Danzo had I not.. You know, hm."

"And that man...isn't Madara."

"... Yeah?" Oh, dear.

The cup Itachi held started to crack under his grip. I shouldn't have shown him Tobi unmasked. I froze on the spot as a million thoughts were swirling in his head like a whirlpool. I needed to break this tension.

'Think of something random, think of something! OH!'

"Fun fact! Madara can't pee when someone stands behind him, hm!" Why did I say that?

Itachi seemed to be questioning the same thing based on the raised eyebrow.

My palm met my forehead, "Sorry… you're a little scary when angry, hm."

He regained his composure and ran a hand through his hair. While he processed his thoughts, my own mind was reminded of the things I had seen. It mostly consisted of the anime and manga, which I’ll need to update my Notebook of Doom as I missed some critical details.

But the rest we saw were some of my own memories. Small snippets that… reliving was… God. Morning hugs from my friends, waking up to find my cat snuggled by me, and sitting with my best friend squealing our little hearts out over cute things, or from looking at hot anime guys… you know, stuff. Stuff that I missed getting to do every day.

Which was all cut short. Three days after my fucking birthday.

I heard myself inhale sharply as tears leaked down my face. "Damnit…" Not in front of Itachi. My mind would not stop thinking about everything, what I lost. This wasn’t okay, I shouldn’t be thinking about this stuff, not anymore.

My brain then decided to be an asshole and replay my high school graduation. My family screamed at the top of their lungs when my name was called, the flowers, the music, my friends and I taking the next chapters in our lives. I never got to see what happened next.

I buried my face into my knees and wailed. My skin was prickly, unwelcoming, unwanted. This wasn’t the life I was supposed to have but it was now! And I- there shouldn’t be crying! What’s done is done and tears can’t change it. But here I was… crying in front of someone who I looked up to.

I heard someone walk over to me, and then put a hand on my shoulder.

I didn't care who it was, I grabbed their shirt and cried into their shoulder. The person didn't seem to care as they sat as still as possible, resting a hand on my head.

It took me a few moments to calm down and the person had me drink some tea and lay back down. I looked at the person, which of course was Itachi, I motioned for him to ask away as I snuggled into the warm covers.

"What is your next plan?"

"I need to change Sasuke's mind about you. He trusts me, and if I can convince him to at the very least talk to you. Then… well... it's all up to what you say, hm."

He paused, "You want me to tell him the truth?"

"Would you rather I do, hm?"

He doesn't respond to that.

"Itachi…Talk to your Otouto, hm. I’ll tell him a little about the truth, but the rest is up to you."

"..." He lowers his head, fists clench.

"I plan on bargaining with Tsunade to heal you, if that's one of your worries, hm." I watched as his fist tightened its grip on his pant leg. "I won't let you die. Just… please, try." I whistled and my Chocobo entered the room and spat out the container, thankfully because it's clay, there was no mucus. "Here. You spoke with me, you now know the truth, this is my end of the bargain, hm."

He shook his head, "You keep it, you may find a better use than I will."

"Itachi, I have no intentions of having the Sharingan. I don't want the Sharingan and I especially can't use _this_ Sharingan, hm." My eye twitched and I shot my arm forward, trying to shove the container in Itachi’s face.

The weasel had the nerve to try to protest again. I will not lose this argument!

"Weasel-kun, take your best friend's goddamn eye before I shove the thing in your eye socket, hm." I all but threw the container into his hands. Which he caught despite my angle making the throw off.

"... Shisui…" The amount of love in Itachi's gaze while looking at the eye was both endearing… and disturbing. It's an eyeball.

He then looked back at me, "Why… why are you doing all this for Sasuke and me?"

I bit my lower lip as I held back a laugh, "It's not obvious, hm?" He looks confused. "You've seen my memories. You should know I'm not doing this for Sasuke. Getting him to appreciate true art," damn, I sound like the original Deidara, "was just an added bonus, hm."

He quietly went back to looking at the eye.

I took in the sight. Itachi looked like a man who has been beaten down, got back up, only to be tossed down again. It was... remarkable. If only I was that strong, I give up too easily when things get tough.

"You deserve a better life Itachi," I said, slowly standing up and stretched, checking my head and chakra. "Feel free to follow the timeline up until after your first attempts to capture Naruto. Keep the Akatsuki on their toes. I'll be there to mess with things, hm. Oh, don't worry about Sasuke, he won't get the curse mark. I'll take the bite for him if I have to."

“You don’t… have to do anything,” Itachi said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“But I want to,” I said with a shrug. “I’ve gotten attached to the kid, hm.”

“You’re not getting anything out of this though,” He pointed out, looking away from the eye and giving me a sharp glance.

I headed outside and created a clay bird.

“I get the satisfaction of knowing my existence in this world wasn’t a mistake,” I hopped onto the bird and gave the Uchiha a wave. “Maybe I’ll make a friend along the way, hm?”

The bird took off and I flew back to Konoha.

~^~^~^~^~

**3rd person POV**

Sometime later, Kisame found his younger partner sitting in his room at the Akatsuki hideout. He was staring at a container with an eye in it, a Sharingan. But that wasn't the weird part.

Itachi was smiling. Not a big one, but it was noticeable.

"Ne… Itachi-san? You okay?" Kisame asked nervously. This partner _never_ smiles.

Itachi quickly morphed his face back to being passive, "Hn… I just had a nice conversation with someone."

Kisame grinned and bared his shark teeth in a teasing manner, "Oh? A girl?"

"... Yes." At least, mentality wise. "She… cried."

And now, the shark man deadpanned. "Itachi-san, it’s not a 'nice conversation' if they cry."

"You wouldn't get it."

"No, no I guess not. Come on, the leader has a mission for us." Kisame beckoned his strange, younger partner to follow.

The Uchiha nodded and pocketed the container, heading out with Kisame. He just has to wait a few more months, and he'll see his Otouto again… and maybe, just maybe, it won’t be as enemies. What an odd thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Danzo dies pretty early in this story, huh? I think I didn't know what to do with his character beyond killing him so, instead of him being a thorn in everyone's side I... well... had him killed. The guy totally deserves it too.
> 
> So, random questions to my readers that like to comment: What was the first episode of Naruto you ever watched and how did you feel about it? 
> 
> I'm not kidding when I say that a former friend of mine turned on the tv and Sakura was fighting Sasori. I remember the scene too, it was when Sasori's hands were flamethrowers. It was my first introduction to Naruto and it nearly weirded me out to not watch the show, but I watched it at the pressure of my friends and... well, here I am almost 10 years later.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi regrets his life choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if the paragraphs are closer to each other, fanfiction.net messes up paragraph placements and after 13 chapters I kinda gave up spacing them with the extra paragraph. Hope this still looks okay! :)

Returning to Konoha, I was greeted by Kakashi at the gates. He was standing there, disgruntled and a bit banged up based on his posture. Considering that I felt better after taking a nap during the ride back, I happily joined him for some barbeque. He somehow still has the weird ability to eat food when I blinked… dammit.

"So tell me, how did the bell test go? In fact, tell me how the introductions went, hm." I rested my chin on my palm as I enjoyed the juicy meat being cooked in the center of the table. It’s no wonder Asuma's team comes here often. I'll have to bring the boys over to enjoy the cuts.

He looked at me with a single raised brow, at least… his visible one, "How did you…? Nevermind." He facepalmed, remembering our whole "I know the future" shtick. "Here's how it went…"

~^~^~^~^~

**Third-person POV**

Kakashi sat in front of his three potential students on the roof of the academy. In all honesty, they made him nervous. They worked like one person and already seemed to know more than they should. Hell, when they went to the roof, they walked in sync to the point where he could only tell it was three students because of their talking and smell.

Weirdly, it was Naruto that had the pleasant citrus fragrant and Sakura had a strong, earthy tone with only a hint of floral coming from her hair. Sasuke smelt like… paint?

"Well, why don't you three talk about yourselves. Tell me about your likes, dislikes, hobbies, and dreams," Kakashi started, a single visible eye watching the genin.

Sakura looked at Kakashi with an annoyed expression. She was the only one not standing and was just barely in front of the boys. "You should introduce yourself first." She folded her arms across her chest as she gently tapped her foot, waiting for a response.

Kakashi blinked. "Well, I am Hatake Kakashi... I don't feel like telling you my likes and dislikes… I never really thought about my dreams… and my hobbies…" He was, sadly for him, interrupted.

"Reading porn, dattebayo." Three pairs of eyes looked at the blond boy, a million questions running across their heads. "Deidara-nii tried reading a series called 'Icha Icha' and then burned them saying 'I cannot believe Kakashi reads this.' I asked a shop lady and she said it was porn." 

Sasuke sighed. Yep, Deidara would definitely do that.

This caught Kakashi's interests, 'So… Deidara does know a lot about me… I don't recall reading my book around him very often.' He pointed at Sakura to change the subject. "Ladies first."

Sakura tilted her head before putting on her thinking face, which consisted of staring into space with a finger to her lip. She sat down, Sasuke tucking his right leg close to his left to make room for her.

"My name is Haruno Sakura. Hmmm… I like… training, spending time with Hinata, and shopping with my dad. I dislike making Deidara-sensei mad, bugs, and smelly food. My hobbies… training? I guess? I like stylizing hair though. My dreams… two of them, one is to find a nice guy…" She eyed Sasuke for half a second before snapping back to attention, her hand cautiously touched her stomach. Ghost pain from Deidara always jabbing her stomach when Sasuke distracted her training. "And settle with a shinobi family… or become a medic like the legendary Tsunade. Either or is nice to me."

'Impressive, she's not completely boy crazy.' Kakashi thought, remembering Asuma questioning his female student. He pointed at Sasuke. "You, next."

Sasuke glared at Kakashi, 'You are not my sensei yet, I don’t take orders from you.'

Leaning forward in his classic finger locked pose, he talked behind his hands. "Uchiha Sasuke. My likes are art and yoga… the rest is none of your business. I dislike… hmmm."

A long pause made Kakashi wonder what the hell these kids were taught?

"My hobbies," He continued without so much as finishing his dislike list, "are also nothing you need to know and my goal is to restore my clan and to kill a certain someone..." Sasuke finished, glaring indefinitely to the unseen horizon. Which just meant some random building.

Kakashi couldn't help but be concerned at how nonchalant the other two were reacting. Usually, genin don't think about killing until after their first C-rank mission, but Naruto is yawning like this is the world's most boring story, and Sakura seemed to have found a very fascinating rock stuck under her shoe. What is with these kids?

"OOOOOH! MY TURN!" The pinkette and duck flinched away from their blond teammate.

"Uzumaki Naruto is the name! I like ramen, and training and Deidara-nii and Kimi-nii and- owwww Sakura-chan!" Sakura had jabbed him in the side so he would stop. "Fine, I dislike how long it takes to make ramen, negative emotions from my brothers, and math. My hobbies are pranking, training, and being with my brothers… And my dream… IS TO BE HOKAGE! WHERE EVERYONE WILL ACKNOWLEDGE ME, DATTEBAYO!"

Around the time Naruto had said "my dream" the two other kids slammed their hands over their ears. And Kakashi understood why, his ears were ringing his life lesson like a thousand whistles. 'Yep, he can be the distraction in missions… he sounds so much like Obito…' Before he could go down memory lane, Kakashi smiled at the kids.

"Tomorrow, you three will take one final test to be genin… Only a third of the graduating gening classes pass it." No reaction, "Oh... also don't eat breakfast. You'll puke." Kakashi poofed away.

The kids all looked at each other blankly.

"I'm eating breakfast. Deidara-sensei will kill me if he learns I skipped a meal." Sakura twirled her short hair in thought. Not only that, but she just got to a weight that made her happy, skipping her meals was out of the question.

Naruto shivered, "Ha! Try living with him! He'd shove food down your throat or ship you to the hospital before letting you leave without eating dattebayo! That... or he'd make Kimi-nii handle the portions… ugh, he serves too many vegetables." He gagged at the memories. 'So... much... spinach...'

"Hn… I don't see the point in going to a test hungry." Secretly, Sasuke was also afraid of facing Deidara's wrath. He accidentally skipped lunch one time at the academy. The next day, Naruto had brought a large layered bento box with a cutesy heart-shaped note saying " _If I see a single grain of rice in your layer Duck-kun, prepare to run. ~Deidara_ "

He didn't listen… that particular area of the training grounds was unusable for two weeks afterwards.

All three chibis shivered before heading home. Sakura planned her morning breakfast and outfit, Sasuke painted a picture of shinobi in battle, and Naruto was grateful for once that Deidara wasn’t home to hear what Kakashi had said. Kimimaro was home though… and he promised _breakfast_.

Naruto stayed up half the night, terrified of the prospect of Kimimaro making breakfast… he was also scared to learn why Kimimaro felt like saying the word “breakfast” the same way he promised someone’s death.

~^~^~^~^~

The next day, Kakashi stood in front of the genin, three hours later than when he said he would.

"Your test is to take these two bells from me. Come at me with everything you got. The one who fails to get a bell goes back to the academy and doesn't get lunch." Kakashi jingled the two bells before attaching them to his person.

It didn't take long for the trio to get the test, since they've had to deal with similar training exercises with each other. The same thought passed over them as they exchanged glances.

'We only pass if we work as one.'

Kakashi mused over the team's expressions, 'What has Deidara been teaching these three? They seem unphased at what I just said.' 

"Begin." 

The three vanished into the trees and shrubbery.

Sakura was quick to come up with a plan, studying the terrain. With broken English, she spoke to her teammates, " _I use earth, go below,_ Sasuke-kun _use fire. Chase to water,_ Naruto _help._ "

After five years of training with Deidara, Team 7 had learned a bit of English. The grammar was terrible -according to Deidara- but they understood each other at the very least. The best part about using this language is that their “sensei” would never know what they were saying.

"Hn." Translation: Got it.

"Dattebayo!" Translation: Leave it to me.

While waiting for something to happen, Kakashi eventually pulled out his Icha Icha book to read. It didn't surprise him to have Naruto be the first to charge in, to him, the hyper blond was the most gullible and headstrong.

He effortlessly dodged the small boy's punches, but when he tried to hit back something odd happened.

Naruto would weave out of the attacks, and if he did get hit, it was like punching a balloon. Naruto would just float back to his original position and resume his attacks.

'Heh, guess Deidara-nii had a reason for making me work on my balance.' Naruto thought to himself and smirked as his sensei struggled to knock him off his feet. He was used to standing on needle-thin posts with various objects in his hands. If he could handle that, he could handle someone kicking him. Besides, Deidara used to throw weapons at him while he tried to balance.

Kakashi had to jump on the nearby pond as a giant ball of flame flew at him, hitting Naruto instead. When Kakashi began to panic, the burnt Naruto poofed in a puff of smoke, leaving only smoldered grass.

'A clone? Then where…?'

"HAAAAAAA!"

Kakashi looked up to find several dozen Narutos flying in his direction. On his left was Sasuke charging at him, hand signs flying as he prepared another fire jutsu.

Quickly thinking, Kakashi used a substitution jutsu to get away and escaped in the wooded area. Quietly panting, he glanced from his hiding spot to see the two boys calmly chatting with each other, as if the event moments before didn't happen. The lack of pink hair was also a detail that Kakashi noticed.

"Wait… where's Sakura…?" Kakashi looked around but didn't see or smell her anywhere. It took him seconds to realize the scene before he was getting taller, and the sound of the bells was gone from his pouch despite moving around. Something was grabbing his ankles.

"Maybe you should watch your feet more often, Kakashi-sensei." A feminine voice giggled from below him.

"What?!" Kakashi looked down at his feet, only to realize he had been sinking in the dirt. In front of him, an arm shot out from the ground, and in its hand were the bells.

Sakura climbed out from below, a playful smirk on her dirt plastered face. "All according to plan. Hey guys! We got the bells!" She flailed the hang with the bells, letting them ring wildly, which the sound easily reached the boys' ears.

"We did it, dattebayo!"

"Hn."

The two boys join up with their only female teammates. Kakashi quickly scrambled from his trap, his shoulders slack as he blinks in confusion at the team's mini celebration.

"You three… planned this?"

"The goal was to distract you long enough for Sakura to mask her scent,” Sasuke said, “We heard you have a strong nose from Deidara. So, just in case, Sakura borrowed Neji’s soap so you would be used to the earthy smell." He gave Sakura a high five, completely ignoring the fact that his hand was now dirty.

“I can’t wait to start smelling like cherry blossoms again,” Sakura mused, lifting her dark blue shirt and sniffing it with a grimace. “No wonders Deidara-sensei refuses to touch Neji’s futon.”

Kakashi had to admit, he was impressed. Not only did they gather intel on him before the test, but predicted the test far enough in advance to work on a strategy against his scent. But he had one final test, "So, who gets sent back to the academy?"

Without hesitation, Sakura dropped one of the bells and gave Sasuke a nod. The Uchiha slams his foot on the bell, breaking it in two. He picked up one half, and Naruto picked up the other.

Naruto grinned at Kakashi. "None of us. We're a team and it's gonna stay like that, dattebayo! Now, I gotta go! I promised Deidara-nii to clean up the kitchen and I gotta do that before he gets home!!" The blond ran off in a random direction.

Sakura examined her dirty clothes, sniffing it again. "I need a long shower and I told Hinata I'd help her style her hair. It's getting long." She walked away to her own home. Ten steps away she stripped off the shirt, revealing a dark pink tank top and red mesh-armor that had significantly less dirt on it.

Sasuke just shoved his hands in his pocket and pulled out his clay to mess with, eyeing Kakashi with utter boredom. "Hn… I'm going to crash at Naruto's." He followed the blond’s direction.

Kakashi stood there, flabbergasted. Not only did they pass, but they also walked away from him before he could even tell them!

Slowly, he turned his head towards the sky, silently praying.

'Sensei, if you can hear me, please tell me I won't regret this.'

~^~^~^~^~

After Kakashi finished his tale, Deidara had slammed his head on the table, laughing.

"Y-you got your ass h-handed by my ch-chibis hahaha… a-and they just w-walk away like you're last week's meatloaf!" The blond male had tears in his eyes as he found this to be the most amusing thing to happen all day.

Kakashi sulked in his seat. "Why do they listen to you?"

Deidara was quick to regain his composure, the smirk on his face only added to Kakashi's misery. "Because I earned their respect at a young age. They see me as an older sibling and mentor. You're just a stranger to them, hm. A weird, porn-reading, masked stranger."

Kakashi gave the blond an unamused expression. "Yet, you happily hug this 'porn-reading stranger'." He tried pointing out, only for the bomber to pat his head.

"Not only that- wow your hair is soft- but I know what is behind that mask. Besides that, I wish you luck and hold no responsibilities for any trauma you may experience from being their sensei, hm." Deidara laughed sadistically as Kakashi paled in fear.

He honestly could not tell if the teen is serious, or just messing with him.

**Deidara's POV**

'Poor Kakashi, he's going to suffer hell from teaching those kids.' I mused to myself as I walked past Sakura, who just took a shower based on how clean her hair was.

Out of all of the kids, she has transformed the most. Her arms and legs were lean but muscular, her hair was still in her bob but she wore her forehead protector like a headband to keep her bangs out of the way. Reminded me of a childish version of her hair when she becomes a mom.

And thank Kami her wardrobe was better. She still wore pinks and bright reds but has kept those to undershirts and mesh armor respectively. Her outer shirt tends to be black or dark blue button ups or jackets with some kind of belt around the waist, to keep it snug around her body. Attached to the belt was a pouch that I'm guessing has medical supplies and kunai. The rest of her body was just a pair of shorts and bandaged shins, her joints exposed for maximum mobility.

Sakura has focused more of her time on training than appearance. Often her outfits looked like she just reached into a closet and wore whatever wouldn't get her killed.

 _Sniff_ , she’s so much like me. I'm proud.

I wish I had gotten to Ino before she graduated, but her father is a jonin so it's not my responsibility if she’s not a good kunoichi. The brat even had the nerve to demand that I train her with Sakura, not ask, demand. Sorry honey, I won't train someone that's not willing to give up petty rivalries. Looks like Sakura is going to kick your ass in the exams.

Reaching my apartment, I was greeted with Naruto cleaning up the kitchen and Sasuke chilling on the sofa like he owned the place. He might as well just move in at this rate. He spends more nights here than any of the other kids and Neji has his own toothbrush here!

Looking over the chibis, honestly they… have not changed much, appearance-wise. The only difference is that their pants were black and Naruto wears an orange jacket that actually fits him.

I never bothered with how they looked except for color and size. Unlike Sakura, their outfits never said "Kill me! I'm an easy target!" like her tight-fitted dress did.

I even tried on one of those dresses to prove my point to her father, in my size of course. Not only did I look damn good in it, but I could barely breathe.

"Duck-kun, can I talk with you in private?" Sasuke looked over at me confused then nodded. I kissed Naruto's cheek and took Sasuke outside. "Walk with me, hm."

Leading the young Uchiha away, I took him to someplace I honestly had no right to be in. But it's the only place that seemed like it would be free from prying eyes.

The Uchiha compound.

Sasuke gave me a strange look, "Why are we here, Deidara?"

I shrugged, trying to appear casual. "Well, I just thought I'd pay my respect. And I need an Uchiha with me to enter, hm." 

The entire compound was as lifeless as a ghost town. Every inch of it cleaned of death and decay and every house restored from that awful night. But there was no life. No children running down the streets, no men training in yards. Not even a cat resting on a rooftop or in the entryway. Just the occasional sound of an Uchiha-crested wind chime, lightly hitting glass and the sound of a shishi-odoshi five house down- a sound that shouldn’t be heard from the gates.

"Duck-kun… tell me about that night, hm,” I requested as we slowly walked through the abandoned town. Sasuke owned every inch of this land, by right of inheritance. But in the years I’ve been in this village, he only ever returns here on the anniversary of the massacre. 

Sasuke lowers his head, fist clenched.

"I was coming home from training… and there were bodies everywhere. I ran home and… Itachi, my older brother was standing over our parents' dead bodies." He took a shaky breath. "He killed the clan to test his power! That's why I need to become stronger! So I can avenge my clan, and kill him! I-"

I put a hand on his head to stop him. "Tell me… how do you know he did it to test his power, hm?"

" _He_ told me." So much venom in that word, “he”. Like he was a snake spraying venom across the very floor, Sasuke nearly had spit flying past his lips had it not been for his clenched teeth.

"Oh…? I see… I've been hearing a different version, specifically from Danzo."

"Danzo?" Sasuke parroted back with a head tilt.

"Yeah, just before he died, he summoned me to his office. He was... overwhelmed with grief as he poured his heart and soul to me about a crime he committed, hm." Well... Danzo did pour his heart out but in a more… physical meaning.

"What did he say?" Sasuke's face slowly morphed into outrage, as if predicting what I was going to say.

"He said that the Uchiha were planning a coup… and to protect the village, he ordered Itachi to slaughter everyone. Everyone but you, hm." Sasuke's in the denial stage, I could feel his heart hammering. "He claimed that Itachi threatened the village's safety if you were harmed..."

"He lied! He had to! You can’t believe things like that!" Sasuke grabbed my shirt, trying to shake some sense back into me. I had to grab his wrists and hold them in the air so he would look at me in the eyes.

"Sasuke," Sasuke stopped talking, staring at me with wide, helpless eyes. "No one can lie to me. You know this, Sasuke. You were the one to help me develop this technique after all, hm.” I shuffled my feet against the dirt. Chakra continuously flowed through my feet, small amounts, not even a fraction of what I could produce. But this chakra allowed me to see things, hear things, know things. It truly was a recreation of Toph’s sights. I could even tell when someone was lying.

I’ve even been offered a job at the Torture and Interrogations. I would have taken the job... but they usually need their captives alive.

Sasuke's legs gave out and I had to catch him. The boy hanged limply in my arms, his face buried into my chest. I hooked my arm under him and lifted him up so he could rest his head on my shoulder. In the corner of my eyes, I could see him staring blankly at the house behind me.

I ran my fingers through his spikes. "Duck-kun, I want you to think about what I am going to say… I think, should you run into Itachi, you may want to talk to him, hm." The boy stiffened with the temptation to run away. Sadly for him, I have a vice grip from raising a wet soap bar like Naruto.

Plus, I already swore that if I took anyone under my wing, I would never let them go. Sasuke was never going to clip them just to keep me away.

"Why should I...? He'll only spout lies." He hissed in my ear through his teeth.

"And if I was there with you, hm?" He didn’t respond, just became slack in my arms and I knew this was Sasuke for "I'll think about it." At least I got to that stage.

"Let's go visit your parents..." I adjusted Sasuke so he was less heavy, hoisting him into my arms and walked to the Uchiha gravesite. There were so many markers, all named, and each one an untold story cut short. I sat Sasuke down so he could talk to his parents while I quietly walked around the other graves, quickly bowing to Shisui's name over a body-less grave.

As I got farther into the grounds, the markers became older, more worn out. 10 years ago... 40 years ago... and finally I got to 70 years ago.

"Hey, Izuna…" In the farthest corner of the graveyard, laid a marker that had been worn to the point where its name was gone, covered in moss; practically a plain rock. It was as if to be forgotten. I had to dig into the old Uchiha archives to learn that Izuna was the first Uchiha buried on Konoha soil.

Leave it to the Uchiha clan to push everything Madara related to the side.

"You know, your eyes caused a lot of shit… Madara gained the Rinnegan and then had someone plant them into the eyes of an Uzumaki child. None of it was your fault, of course, you're dead, hm. But man," I ran a hand through my hair, "what is with you Uchiha men and revenge? I get Tobirama kept spouting the whole curse of hatred thing but… gah, I blame Black Zetsu, hm."

Of course, there was no response, the dead cannot talk without the Edo Tensei.

"You looked so much like Duck-kun, sorry, I mean Sasuke. You know him and his older brother are the last in your clan? Duck and Weasel, quite the combo, hm." Of course, there was Obito but I don't want to bother Izuna's grave about him.

I gave a soft chuckle before pulling out some clay, quietly molding it into a miniature version of the Uchiha's uchiwa, setting it down by his grave. "Things may change, things may not. But a time may come where I will have to take matters into my own hands. I hope I can trust in your help, hm."

A soft wind blew, my hair followed its direction as I laughed. I don't care if that's Izuna or just good timing. Standing up, I bowed lowly to the grave before returning to Sasuke. He had at some point cried and was asleep by his parents' graves.

I smiled before kneeling to the two names, "Your son is a pain in my butt… but don't you two worry, he'll have a good future, hm." I pulled Sasuke onto my back and headed home, one sleepover won't harm anything.

I chose to ignore the sudden feeling of a new heartbeat. I chose to ignore the single red eye staring me down. I chose to ignore everything but the child in my arms.

~^~^~^~^~

**Side story #4: Ukon, Sakon and Kimimaro**

**Kimi's POV**

After hugging Nii-sama goodbye, I went next door to collect Ukon and Sakon. We have to hunt down Anko-sensei as part of our training every time we have a mission.

I only had to knock once for the door to swing open. Sakon was in control of their shared body right now and I could tell Ukon was asleep. Ukon’s head was lower than usual

"Mission time already?" The younger twin ties his forehead protector on and grabs his pouch.

"Yes, Anko-sensei wants to test our teamwork in an assassination mission." Despite the fact we are genin, Anko-sensei is a more hands-on jounin, ready to throw us into danger so we could improve. Her and Nii-sama were alike in many ways.

I could tell by our first test that she was our sensei because Nii-sama is friends with her and he was unable to become our jonin instructor. She didn’t have a teaching bone in her body.

Sakon nods before running off to find her. I lazily trailed behind, they will find our sensei. I just need to wait at the gates.

Walking down the stairs, I pass by Hiashi-sama. How odd, usually Nii-sama has to go find him and not the other way around. Despite the unusual circumstances, I bowed in respect. Hiashi-sama nodded.

Reaching the gates, it didn't take long before two sets of feet to land by me. A few inches off and Anko-sensei would have landed on my right shoulder.

"Alright, kiddos! You three ready to slash some throats open?"

Sakon let out a sadistic laugh while I gave no signs of enjoyment, I merely gave her a nod.

Anko-sensei slumps her shoulders while staring at me, a teasing pout forming on her lips. Nii-sama must have learned that face from her. "The least you could do is show SOME excitement!" She puts her hands on her hips and gets in my face, "Come on! You show plenty of enthusiasm around Dei-chan, why not me?" 

Because he is Nii-sama and you are neither a man nor my brother. You are someone I must respect to keep Nii-sama happy.

"My enthusiasm is from my actions, not my words. I do not see the joy in killing." My clan enjoyed fighting to the death, their bloodlust resulted in me becoming the last with the clan's name. The last son of the Kaguya clan.

She sighs and shakes her head, raising her arms in an "I give up" position, "Man you pacifists, how you become shinobi is beyond me. Oh well!" She slams her hand on my shoulder. "You're stuck with me kid!" Her lips twisted into a grin that reminded me of Otouto, just more feminine and sadistic.

One hand signal from her later, and we all ran into the woods.

~^~^~^~^~

I do not have time for this.

Standing in our way was a gathering of shinobi wearing pale purple, dark grey cloth covering their faces from the nose down and all were poised to attack.

One of them spoke. "The one with the white hair, our master wants you. Come quietly or we'll kill your teammates."

Nii-sama makes scarier threats. Tilting my head I watch with satisfaction as the shinobis' faces turn to disgust. I slowly pull out my bone blade from my shoulder, muscles, and tendons lay loosely past the skin like Otouto’s socks on laundry day.

"I must pass. I promised Nii-sama that I would give Otouto a bath today." I twist my body and slash one of the shinobi's chest open with a single motion. Sloppy. Neji will need to help me perfect that movement. "Please die swiftly, he will be home soon."

"Wow Kimimaro, you’re too devoted to your brothers! Work on your priorities, man!" Sakon smirks with a teasing laugh as he charges towards multiple enemies at once. I can see Ukon is awake but remaining motionless. They love toying with their opponents and wasting time.

I can't see Anko-sensei anywhere, but then again, she is most likely looking around the area for traps.

I remove my shirt and toss it to the side. Nii-sama would be upset with me if I destroyed this one. At the same time, two shinobi leap towards me, only to become skewered as I shoot out bones from strategic spots on my body.

I got their blood in my hair, I will have to clean up before Otouto gets home.

"What the hell?!" I turn to see Sakon fighting an opponent. Judging by the man's bulk, he’s the group leader. But he didn't seem to understand how three arms could be attacking at once.

"You never noticed me, as long as we fight as one, we have no blind spot." Ukon rasps out a laugh as he grabs another shinobi's wrist that had tried to attack Sakon from his blind spot, slashing their stomach open with a kunai.

Within minutes, a team of ten now lay dead before us. I put my shirt back on as Sakon stretches, "Nice fighting there, Kimimaro."

"Thank you, it was a smart tactic catching them off with your kekkei genkai." While we swapped battle ideas, Anko-sensei returned. She was livid at seeing the corpses and quickly use a fire jutsu to destroy them.

"Orochimaru… Come on! We need to head back to Konoha! _Now_!" We nod and follow our sensei back to the village. But I had to wonder, who is Orochimaru? Why do Anko-sensei and Nii-sama speak about him so frequently? Judging by Ukon and Sakon's panicked expressions, they know who this man is.

Turning in our mission report, I returned to my family's apartment and quickly cleaned up. I do not enjoy having Otouto seeing me come home with blood. After drying and dressing, draping my dragon over my shoulder, I prepare some food for later. Nii-sama will most likely pass out when he returns and will be unable to cook, Otouto shouldn't cook either, he is graduating today. It’s a special day for him.

As I relax on the couch, my mind replays when I had first taken the twins to the academy, quite the eventful day.

~^~^~^~^~

**Flashback**

"Everyone, these are your new classmates, Ukon and Sakon." Our sensei introduced the twins to my classmates and they peered at the newcomer cautiously as I began to question something. Something was… off.

'Wait… where is…?'

"Um… Sakon-kun? Where is your brother?" Sensei looked out the hallway as if expecting the older brother. He was with us this morning, I saw the two myself. Neji saw them too.

"Ukon is with me." I would be lying if I said I didn't find that smirk of his unnerving.

A girl, Tenten I believe, spoke up, "Wait, what do you mean? I don't see him anywhere."

Sakon shrugged her question dismissively and sat next to Neji and I. 'What is with that growth…?' I couldn't take my eyes off the unusual growth on the back of his neck. I swore I saw it move at some point.

Sensei returned to the front of the room with a confused expression. "I guess Ukon-kun is not attending class today. Very well, class, you will be sparring with each other. Follow me!" He led us to the training area and paired us off. I, as per usual, was with Neji.

Sakon was facing Tenten.

Neji and I fought like we usually did, this gave Neji the ability to practice his clan techniques, as my kekkei genkai protects me from his blows. Sometimes I would become dizzy after a few hits, like something was rushing to my lungs, but I would always press down on these feelings. I just needed water, that was all.

Then the screaming happened.

We snapped our heads to see a bunch of girls and a handful of boys screaming as a third arm appeared within Sakon to hit Tenten, who had used weapons behind him. The growth behind his head began to shift and turn to face the brunette.

Oh… that's where Ukon went. Now I've seen everything but Nii-sama having a crush.

"Heya, no attacking my brother's back." Ukon separated from Sakon, causing more screams. Together they knocked down the weapon user and claimed victory.

The response was 1:1, half of the kids thought Sakon cheated, the other half were interested in their kekkei genkai. I could understand why Nii-sama would take them under his wings.

I had an odd feeling Neji will not be on my team. And judging by his expression, he agreed with me.

~^~^~^~^~

**Present**

Just as I finished my daydream, Otouto returned home, beaming with happiness.

"Heehee, Kimi-nii! Look!" He proudly presents me with his forehead protector, his smile a thousand sunrises. "Iruka-sensei passed me, dattebayo!"

I feel my lips form a smile, "I'm proud, congratulations, Otouto." I calmly sit in my seat as he retells his tale of how he graduated.

I shall make a note to remind myself to kill this “Mizuki” person later.

"Otouto, you need to have a bath." Otouto stopped in his tracks and ran to the bathroom. Nii-sama has trained him well in hygiene.

Speaking of Nii-sama, he should be home soon. I go to the kitchen and get the tea ready for when he comes home.

He works hard, so the least I can do is make the house ready for his return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One thing thing that I enjoyed when editing this chapter was keeping Kimimaro's perspective in present tense. I just like writing in past tense, it feels like I'm telling a story than writing in a diary. But to me, Kimi seems like someone who is always in the present, in the now, and so the narration reflects that by having it be in present tense.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akatsuki troubles.

The following morning after visiting the grave, I couldn't get out of bed. My entire body ached and my head was spinning. Kimi had taken my temperature when he noticed I didn't leave bed before they did. I really hope I'm not sick and this is just a phase.

"You're staying in bed, Nii-sama…" Kimimaro showed me the thermometer, damn, 39°C. "I'll ask someone to check on you while we are on our missions… I'm sorry we couldn't stay to watch over you."

Thankfully, I haven't developed a cough, but I could tell that arguing or making my brothers worry is one of the worst things I could do. "It's fine Kimi… I just… need...sleep, hm…" Annnndddd I passed out.

Waking up, what I assume was a few hours later, I saw Hinata putting a wet cloth on my forehead. Her bangs tickled my nose.

"Deidara-san! Hello." Hinata helped me drink some water then had me lay back down. She rolled the futon up again.

I gave her a weak smile. "Hey, sweetheart… How have you been, hm?" Being a clan heiress and now a genin in a different team has limited her time being with us, but it made me happy to see that she is more confident.

Hinata twiddled her fingers, old habits die hard. "It's good… Shino and Kiba are nice and Kurenai-sensei is supportive. We had the day off today, so Kimimaro-san asked me to check up on you… Do you need anything?"

I began to shake my head but that made me get splotches in my vision, "Owww… No, I'm okay… just… tired." It's been literal years since I got sick. Trust me, I’ve tried getting sick to get out of missions. This body treats illnesses like you would a bug on your arm, flick it away and ignore the problem. Must have been the stress.

That, or it's because I exposed myself to hot springs, Tsukuyomi, and dusty old graveyards back-to-back. I live off of stress.

Hinata tilted her head and I couldn't help but notice that her hair was shoulder length, tied into a bun, it looked cute on her. 'I'll have to get her a hairpin for her birthday… I have weird thoughts when half functional.'

"I heard you haven't eaten…"

"I'm not hungry, hm…" Why is she pulling out a piece of paper?

" 'If Nii-sama claims to not be hungry, heat up some soup and from the fridge and make him eat.' Kimimaro-san wrote this." Damn me and my parental rules.

I sighed in defeat, "Alright. But I'm getting up, hm." Hinata helped me get to my feet and I quickly put on some fuzzy slippers and a bathrobe over my pajamas. Walking into the kitchen, I helped her prepare the soup and then sent her to watch some TV while I ate.

"Yo!"

I jolted in my seat and looked to see Kakashi sitting next to me, I could tell he was smirking. Thanks, asshole. My senses were as stuffed up as my nose and throat.

"Morning, Kakashi…" I sniffed, rubbing my sore throat which was beginning to croak. "Need something…?"

He leaned into my warm ear so Hinata couldn’t hear. She was watching some dumb shinobi romance drama. "We received a mission to escort a bridge maker named Tazuna. If I see the puddle then… I'll do what I can to keep Zabuza and Haku alive."

I gave him a weak smile and a loud sniff, making him sit away. "Thank you… if you wish, have the chibis go all crazy on Gato, tell them they have my permission, hm." If they get permission to do certain things, I know Sasuke won't hesitate. Naruto would hesitate, but join in once Sasuke started having fun, and Sakura is turning into a mini-me, she'll hop into battle… man, I did not expect that to happen in the slightest. 

Kakashi paused for a moment, "And if the two Kiri shinobi resist…?"

"Tell Zabuza, 'When you first met Haku-’ hold on,” I coughed violently into a napkin, making Kakashi lean away in terror. “Sorry, ‘the boy smiled at you and said your eyes are just like mine"' Tell them that there is someone in Konoha that knows about them and is offering them sanctuary in the village, hm." Kakashi pondered at the idea then nodded.

"Alright, but don't expect much." When he stood, I grabbed his wrist.

"Ask them if they remember a boy with white hair and green eyes, hm!" Kakashi paused and looks at me. I only let go of his wrist when he nodded again.

“Get better, you’re horrifying when sick.” Was his farewell before vanishing in a puff of smoke- no steam. That’s nice.

I relaxed in my chair and finished my soup. People in this world have amazing memories thanks to the constant usage of flashback-no-jutsu. But at least I've increased the chances for those two to live.

Apparently, eating drained more energy than it should after I ate. I made a beeline for my futon and crawled under the blankets, keeping the robe on. Hinata said her goodbyes before leaving the apartment. I played with some clay before falling asleep.

Later in the day, I woke up ever-so-slightly when someone picked me up. My body was hypersensitive, waking me up to the icy coldness of my room compared to the furnace-like heat of my futon. I weakly groaned in protest, trying to roll away to return to the blanket. Did Kimimaro think this was funny?

"Hm... Kimi... not funny," I growled in the back of my scratchy throat. "Cold, hm."

The person holding me shifted until I was in a more comfortable position and flared some chakra. How nice, their chakra is fire… fire is warm…

I couldn't help but snuggle into the warmer body.

My eyes closed before I could look at whoever picked me up, all I know was that they were wearing black. My brother doesn't wear black nor does he have fire chakra.

~^~^~^~^~

I woke up in some bed, I know it's none of my brothers' because the bed was black and void of personality. Naruto's bed has an orange blanket with green frogs on the trim and Kimimaro's… was also void of personality, but it has his dragon plush!

The room was also unfamiliar too. Dark wooden walls and flooring littered with… body parts? I turned my head to see a desk with a short redhead hunched over something that looked like a puppet.

'Wait… red hair…? Puppets…? _What_?!'

Even in my fogged up mind could see what was wrong with this picture. "Sas...o...ri.. da-" I smacked a hand over my mouth before I could say "danna". The honorific was alien to me, but my brain automatically added it to my speech. 

Sasori turned to me with a blank expression. "About time you woke up, brat. You know I hate waiting."

'Huh…?' I discreetly had my palm mouth bite its tongue hard enough to feel it. 'Not a dream, that's for sure.'

"Um… I'm… sorry?" I slowly sat up, causing the room to spin before me. I nearly collapsed when Sasori put a hand on my back to steady me and put a glass to my lips.

"Drink, it's medicine, you've been ill," Gee, you don't say? I had no idea, I thought I sat in an office chair for five hours.

I jerked my head away at an instant, eyeing the cup suspiciously. Right, like I'm stupid enough to accept anything from Sasori. I glared at him as he rolled his eyes in an almost too-human fashion.

"It's not poison, I'm not going to kill my partner." My brain blanked long enough for him to make me drink the suspicious liquid.

"Part...ner, hm…?" What the fuck?!

"You must be sick to make you forget the last five years. You lost to Itachi at the temple, and became my partner." As if to prove my point, he held up my right hand. Staring back at me was Deidara's Akatsuki ring with the kanji for blue on it.

I stood up, blood rushing out of my head but I kept a firm grip on the bed's headboard to keep from collapsing. I glared down at the redhead defiantly. "Cut the shit, Sasori. I'm not, and never have been a part of the Akatsuki. I'm Deidara of Konohagakure, the older brother of Uzumaki Naruto and Kimimaro Kaguya. You..." I jabbed a finger at his wooden chest. "Are not my partner, hm."

He folded his arms, like a parent would just before scolding their child. Ironic because I'm almost a head taller than him, "What proof do you have of these 'brothers' then?"

I slammed my hand on my collarbone with an audible _smack_ , before noticing the lack of metal around my throat. Repeatedly patting my neck and chest, I looked in my shirt and my heart dropped.

I don't have my necklace. I never take off my necklace.

I took a slow, shaky breath. Guess whatever Sasori gave me was indeed medicine as I felt my head clearing up. It cleared my head enough to encourage me to grab him by the front of his cloak and lift him off the ground. "Where is my necklace, hm?"

"What necklace? You never wore one." Sasori didn’t blink, he didn’t even seem surprised that I picked him up. It was just like picking up a lifeless puppet.

'This has to be some kind of trick.' I slammed my foot to the ground, making him raise an eyebrow. How convenient, Hidan and Kakuzu aren’t here. I can't piss off the Jashinist long enough to make him spill.

But Itachi was here, so there is a silver lining.

"Forget it." I dropped my “partner” and stormed out the room. Thankfully, I can be all Toph about this hideout and locate people. Provided they don't pop out of nowhere like a certain jackass!

"Senpai!" OH JESUS, DAI-... Wait, wrong person.

Standing in front of me was Tobi. I felt my entire body tighten in fear like a wound-up coil as I stared at his orange mask. 'Run, run run run run! Danger danger danger danger!' It's been five years! I could probably kill this asshole and walk away like it was nothing.

So why does Obito cause so much terror to flood into me…? Maybe it has to do with Kamui. If he catches me in that jutsu, I'm as good as dead.

"Senpai! Leader asked me to bring you to him!" He grabbed my wrist dragged me in the opposite direction of Itachi. I tried to pull away but damnit, Uchiha's have vice grips!

"I don't have time to speak to Pein! I need to speak with Itachi, hm!" I protested, trying to bend his thumb in the hopes that it would break.

Tobi looked at me from over his shoulder and I stopped. "Aw, but Senpai! Leader demands that you be seen! Itachi-san is busy!" His grip tightened as I was practically thrown into an office. I landed flat on my stomach and my head spun for a moment from the sudden motion.

Pushing myself up, I looked to the other side of the room. Sitting in a chair was Pein, Konan standing right behind him. I would have to be an idiot to not notice Tobi was hiding in the shadows too. Heh… like I was going to fall for anything of this. It was just a trick… right?

"You seemed to have recovered." Pein didn’t even provide a greeting.

I backed away slightly, "This is wrong… I never joined the Akatsuki, I ran before you guys could make me join, hm."

Pein slowly rose from his chair and stared me down. I could tell why he’s considered a God to Amegakure, he has no aura. Like an otherworldly being, he doesn't need a presence to be respected.

"You have been in the Akatsuki for five years now. Due to a mission gone wrong, you have been rendered unconscious for several days with a high fever. Sasori has been watching over you the whole time."

For a split second, a stupid, agonizingly pathetic split second I almost believed in his words. Pein doesn’t have a heartbeat, he doesn’t have the tics a normal person has when they lie. But he is lying, right through his best friend’s teeth, literally. I would never join the Akatsuki even if I had lost to Itachi that day, I would have ran away the minute Sasori turned his back on me. 

I took a breath. “I’m a shinobi of Konoha. Lying to me isn’t going to make me cooperate, hm.”

Konan joined the conversation, "Do you have proof that you are a member of Konoha?"

My hand automatically reached for my necklace, but it's gone, I quickly felt for my headband and ripped it off. My heart stops.

It was an Iwa headband, perfectly slashed across. What… the…?

No, Deidara, calm down. It’s a trick, it’s all a trick. They should have put me in a genjutsu. They can’t keep me here. Even if they convinced me that the last five years were just the product of a fever dream, they would have to prove it… and the only way to prove it is to make me face a Konoha shinobi; Anko, Kakashi… one of my brothers.

But they won’t.

I need to speak to Itachi.

"Do you have proof, Deidara?" I look up at the woman.

"No… no, I don't, hm…" I bit my lips, shifting my foot. Her heart rate was faster than Obito’s, she was the nervous one.

She blinked once, "Then whatever you thought happened were all from delirious dreaming, your fever was-"

“Well, guess what, Konan? You can't make up five years of memories, hm!" I shouted at her, rolling my head and feeling every ounce of weight from my unbound hair. "I can feel every hug, every breath, every step I took in Konoha. I can taste the sake Anko tricked me into drinking. I can feel the insanity that washed over me as I made Danzo fade from existence, and the vomit on my tongue as I slowly extracted each Sharingan from his disgusting arm. You think I'll just believe what you'll say just because Nagato-"

Konan tensed.

"- here possess the Rinnengan? Do you think this lie will hold up when I run into Konoha shinobi? Do you really think Sasori will be able to kill them before they say anything? Please, hm." Just as I finished, Pein pulled me forward with his Banshō Ten'in.

My whole body went stiff when his hand landed on my shoulder, "You seem to need convincing."

I looked up at him dead in the eyes, his Rinnegan stared at me without an ounce of emotions.

"I want to speak to Itachi. I refuse to cooperate or believe a word that you say, I will only listen to him, hm." Pein nodded at Konan, who left to collect the weasel.

I cautiously took a peek towards the corner where Obito was standing and I could see his Sharingan eye drilling a hole in my back. I quickly returned my attention to Pein, who was looking at me like someone would a bug. I don't fear Pein, but I respect him enough to keep my head down and one arm hugging the other to take up as little space as possible.

'I wonder if I could save any of the Akatsuki… probably not… Kisame is too loyal, Pein and Konan… maybe… but doubtful, Hidan and Kakuzu are _way_ up on my kill list… same with Zetsu. That leaves Sasori and Ita-'

"You summoned me, Leader-sama?"

I was at Itachi’s side at an instant. He was the only safe person in this room, the only one I could trust.

He looked down at me and I resisted the urge to greet him with his nickname. I grabbed his sleeve, "Itachi, tell me the truth, am I part of the Akatsuki or not, hm?"

"You are. You lost to me and agreed to join us," Itachi said without missing a beat. Irrational anger bubbled up inside me, not at him but for myself. Stupid, absolutely stupid. I should have just played along with Pein's stupid game until I could get away and talk to Itachi in private.

I gritted my teeth, "Use your Tsukuyomi on me, hm." Konan and Pein exchanged glances as Itachi slowly blinked.

"Pardon?"

"You heard me. Do it or I'll tell everyone about M-"

One pair of red eyes later and I am in the genjutsu.

~^~^~^~^~

"You panic too easily, Deidara."

I whipped my head in his direction, he was more relaxed and looking at me with concern in his eyes. Well… actually he looked like someone about to approach a biting dog so I don’t know if that’s concern or fear.

"What the hell is going on, Itachi?! I was sleeping in my futon back in Konoha, then suddenly I'm at the Akatsuki hideout with Sasori in the room and he made me drink some weird liquid and called me his partner and- mmmf!" Itachi flickered before me, slamming his hand over my mouth.

"Breathe. I will explain." He didn’t release my mouth, my breathing coming in violent puffs of air through my nose. I glared down at his hand, then at its owner. Then, without blinking, I tuck my tongue out, licking his palm- oh gross, he just washed his hand with soap!

He tucked his hand close to this chest. "You've been asleep for three days. Whenever you started waking up, Sasori would drug you. Obito had Pein give the order that if you were to wake up before Sasori could knock you out again, we were to pretend that you joined the Akatsuki. Your delirious state would have you believe the past five years were all a dream."

"Does... Obito really think I'm that stupid, hm?" No response, "...Are you the only Uchiha to exist, besides Shisui, that wasn't a complete asshole?" Again, nothing. I facepalm. "Figures, hm."

"How did you figure it out though?"

I pointed at my feet. "The original Deidara focused so much time on his art and countering the Sharingan, he forgot to work on his sensing. I can tell where people are, what they are doing, and if they lie, hm."

"Smart." I beamed at the praise.

Though the ego boost quickly deflated, "Itachi, I need to get home. Naruto will be returning soon and I need to prepare for the chunin exams, hm. Orochimaru will be there… If I don't return before then… Sasuke will…" Itachi placed a hand on my shoulder.

"That is what this genjutsu can be used for. I'll help you create a plan. Or at the very least I can find a way to return your necklace."

I bite my lower lip in thought before giving Itachi a small smile, "I owe you, hm."

He shook his head, "No. You do not owe me anything."

So we sat down and began working on scenarios.

~^~^~^~^~

**3rd POV**

The three adults waited patiently for Itachi's genjutsu to end. The jutsu only lasted three seconds, but those three seconds were enough to send Deidara to the ground.

The teen was gaunt, breathing heavily with sweat dripping from his brow. Eyes glazed over and he pushed himself up to his hands and knees. "How...? They're memories... They have to be memories, hm..."

A twang of pity crossed Konan's heart, and a nod from Pein gave her permission to help the boy up.

"Come, you should rest," She murmured to the fragile teen. Konan gave Itachi a sharp look, a silent command to stand aside while she led Deidara out of the room.

Deidara's room was next to Sasori's. It was originally Madara's, but "Tobi" happily gave up the room for the new "senpai." She gave the teen one last look before leaving.

'I thought he wouldn’t have been fooled by such an easy trick. But, Madara knows best.' She sighed, returning to her partner and best friend. 

**Deidara's POV**

One of the greatest perks about living in secret for five years? You learn how to fake your emotions. The stress was real, I am in the lion’s den after all. But all I needed to do was channel the stress into another medium. In this case: Sadness and despair. Itachi and I had to view hours of sad material from my memories to rewire my brain to think about sad things. Deaths from some of my favorite movies, people crying, we ended it with soldiers coming home to their families.

Itachi had let out a few sniffs watching soldiers hug their children and spouses. It was… rather adorable, seeing him become emotional. I even wondered if he wished that was the reunion he would get with Sasuke.

As I stared up at the ceiling I clenched and unclenched my fist, the clay from when I had fallen asleep in Konoha still sitting under the tongues. For some unknown reason, Sasori never bothered to check my palm mouths despite having me in his room unconscious for three days.

…

That sounded more dirty than intended.

I snickered to myself but paused when I heard the door open a poorly hinged creak. I lifted my head to look only to scream.

"GAH! Sorry Senpai! I didn't mean to startle you!"

"Then why the fuck did you slowly lean into my room like a creeper, Tobi, hm?!" I held my hand over my heart, trying to steady it. Things are bad enough when Obito freaks me out, I don't need the Tobi mask to give me a heart attack.

He rubbed the back of his head, "Ahhhh… I thought you were asleep, but since you are awake, can I ask you something?" He entered the room, closing the door.

'Don't panic, don't panic, Sasori is next door and the walls are thin enough to where I can hear him tinkering.’ I thought, pushing up into a sitting position, tucking a leg under my chin I motioned to the random chair in my room. He childishly plopped into it backwards. "What did you want to ask, hm?"

"What did you dream about?" I stiffened, should have seen that coming, "Sasori-san said you mumbled in your sleep. Can you tell me what they were about, Senpai?"

What do I say? He knows too much for me to bullshit my way out of this! … Wait, I'm a nerd, talking is what we nerds do best!

Without hesitation, I gave him a detailed description of the Kingdom Hearts storyline.

~^~^~^~^~

"And that, Tobi, is how Sora and his six other versions of himself defeated thirteen Xehonarts, restored light to the worlds, and married his best friend Riku!" I finished with a joyful clap of my hands, the back of one hand pressed dreamily against my cheek and I sighed. “It’s such a romantic story, hm.”

I have never seen someone's body show physical regret until now. Obito was squirming by the first hour.

"Umm...that's fascinating, Deidara-senpai… I uh…" Oh, is he not satisfied yet?

"I also had this other dream where a young boy made a contract with this absolutely stunning looking demon that becomes his butler-"

"Thank you, senpai! I'm going to let you rest now!" He storms out of the room slamming the door shut.

Deidara:1

Obito:0

I somehow forgot he was Obito halfway through my detailed explanation of how attractive Axel was. Leave it to fangirling to forget your fears! Though, I could already tell things will not be pretty when he decides to drop his facade.

Oh well, he killed Konan in the original timeline, he deserves any form of torture I can give him.

I quickly slid off my bed and felt for spies, sensing none I got to work. Using what little clay I had eaten in my sleep, I made a clay bird and some frogs. They were small things, even fully sized the bird would be barely large enough to carry me. Placing the amphibians against the wall I quietly prayed that I was fast enough to get away.

“KATSU!"

_BOOM_! Oops, too much chakra.

I threw the bird outside, leaping on it just as the smoke cleared, revealing a sparrow. Funny how the clay creatures took shape. 

Sasori threw open the door, making another human-like expression with his mouth hanging open and his eyes painfully wide. I gave him a wave as I flew away, not wanting to risk getting attached to his chakra strings.

“Danna! Don’t fight Sakura, a girl with pink hair. She’s my personal student and would kill you, hm!” The bird looped to the right, barely avoiding his puppet. “Rude, hm!”

Even though I was flying fast, my pattern was sporadic, randomly diving and soaring. I was soaked to the bone, the rain beating against my exposed skin like frozen knives, covering the pale flesh with purple splotches. Hypothermia was the least of my concerns right now. 

By the time Pein stopped the rain to send Konan after me, I was long gone. 

~^~^~^~^~

When Konoha was within sights, I sent the bird crashing into the ground. It didn’t explode, thankfully, but the force was enough to send my body flying. I didn’t know how long I stayed in the air until I hit someone.

"Oh! My youthful friend! Lee, get help! Neji, get your friend!" I never thought I would miss Guy this much.

Within a matter of minutes, I was surrounded by people, all asking various questions as I was being rushed to the hospital. As the doctors checked my vitals and bloodstreams after mentioning Sasori, I explained to both Team Guy and Team Anko.

"I was captured by the Akatsuki, drugged and almost tricked into believing I joined them… I managed to escape thanks to someone on the inside, hm." Anko and Guy looked confused by that last part, but I didn’t elaborate.

Kimimaro wrapped his arms around me in a tight hug, his body shaking. "I-I'm sorry, Nii-sama… If only I had stayed home… I’m so sorry, I’m so so sorry." My shoulder was becoming damp with tears, Kimimaro clinging to me like a lifeline.

I placed a hand on his head and returned the hug, kissing his temple. "Shh… no Kimi… you didn't know, I didn't know either… I managed to get away, that's what matters, hm."

"But… what if…"

"If you finish that statement I will kick your ass, hm..." I gave him a kiss on the forehead and Neji carefully removed Kimimaro off me so Anko could take over the spot. She punched me in the arm with a laugh, “Ow…?”

"You had me worried, Dei-chan. Kimimaro came running into my apartment at three in the morning yelling about how you were missing. I had to knock him out before he began screaming." I looked at my brother who is being comforted by his shorter friend.

"Sorry for worrying everyone…"

Guy piped up, "It's quite alright! Now that you are back the village is youthful again! Come, Lee, let us run 100 laps around the village in celebration!"

Lee shot up his arm, "YOSH! Guy-sensei! If we fail we must run another 100 laps on our hands!"

Guy’s eyes leaked with overly dramatic anime tears, "Oh Lee! Such youth!" The nurse then kicked the two out before they could make another sunset.

Said nurse politely turned to me, a clipboard in her hands. "Good news, whatever you were given was actual medicine. The drugs you were also given caused no harm to your body, they were low dosage sedatives, nothing addictive."

I sighed with relief and slumped myself against Anko. Sasori was actually telling the truth when he said they weren't poisons. He really was prepared to accept me as a partner.

I'll make sure he lives during Shippuden… as long as he doesn’t kill my students.

"Thank you, hm." I signed out of the hospital and went home with Kimimaro, everyone else left at the same time.

Seeing as it was getting late, I made Kimimaro and myself dinner then took a bath. I've been unconscious for three days, I don't care what happened during that time, I just want to feel clean…

This just keeps getting worse in my head.

"Kimimaro, I'm going to sleep. Goodnight, hm." I headed to my room but was stopped when my brother practically materialized in front of me, "Yes…?"

He stayed quiet, lowering his head began to fidget, wringing his hands and avoiding my gaze. Hs cheeks flushed red with embarrassment… Kimi, you're 15, stop being so damn adorable.

"Did you want to sleep with me tonight, hm?" He nodded and my heart melted. "Go get your plush."

He went to get it without hesitation and I quickly changed into some comfy clothes. Settling in my futon, Kimimaro snuggled next to me and I felt his arms wrap around my stomach possessively. His dragon wrapped above our heads like a barrier. At this rate I was just waiting for his ribs to suddenly come out and lock me in place.

"Uh… Kimi…?" I glanced down at my brother, eyebrow raised.

"I will kill anyone who tries to take you away from us." Before he fell asleep.

… Okay, I won't complain. I kiss his head gently before hugging him, making sure he could breathe while also tucking his head close to me.

"Goodnight, Kimi-baby..."

~^~^~^~^~

_Taptap… tap_

Gee, this seems familiar.

Not wanting to get up I gave my window a thumbs up to indicate that I'm okay.

_Taptaptap… clink_

…

Did Itachi's crow just clink?

I violently twisted my head to look at the window, staring into a pair of red eyes. Itachi's crow tapped at the window again.

_Tap clink tap_

I carefully climbed out of bed, mindful of Kimimaro's death grip that only losened when I poked his hip- a tickle spot.. Silently reaching over and opening the window, "Itachi, it's…" I looked at the clock, "2 in the morn-" I stopped mid-sentence and did a double-take on the clock. Yep, 2:26 in the morning.

As I was thinking of five different ways to prepare crow’s meat, the bird hopped over and dropped something in my lap. I looked down, tears threatening to prick my eyes and I picked up the object with shaking hands.

My necklace, the boys' photos were in it too. Itachi must have grabbed the locket before Pein or Obito could destroy it.

"Thank you, Itachi, hm." The bird ruffled his feathers as a slight breeze entered my room. Yikes, it's cold out!

"You can sleep over, birdie." I returned to my futon after closing my window.

That's how I ended up with my protective younger brother clinging to my waist, and a feather duster pressed against my head.

~^~^~^~^~

**Side story #5: Itachi**

" _3-2-1 MAKE SOME NOISE!_ "

At the hot springs, while we were reviewing the anime and manga I just stopped caring that he was standing next to me and allowed my inner nerd to come out. I would mimic quotes, laugh at some scenes, or, like I am right now, burst into song whenever an opening or ending happened.

He didn't seem to care, if he did, he never made any comments.

I began going through my own memories to review the details I had forgotten. But I didn't expect Itachi to do anything besides looking at the anime and manga, he's mature enough not to snoop.

"Deidara… What am I reading?" Well… I have been wrong before.

"Huh? What did you find, hm?" I walked over to Itachi and looked at the memory, it was a memory of my phone, the screen covered in words that were being quickly scrolled through as former me read. Turns out that the Sharingan could translate English words into Japanese, so while we’ll never be able to converse in English, he _could_ read it. Just another reason why I need to keep Obito away from my stuff.

"Let's see… ‘Itachi is a new student at Konoha high and encounters-’…" Blood rushed to my cheeks as I skimmed through the reading. "Um… oh my…" It appears that the Uchiha has... found the fanfictions.

"Uhh...You were not supposed to see this… At all…" Kami, which one was this? Don’t tell me it’s- Oh no… I think it is one of _those_. Please don’t let it be a vampire one!

"I can tell,” Itachi responded without any malice or mercy.

I let out a nervous chuckle and quickly locked away the fanfiction memories, clearing my throat. "Please don’t read those. They hold no important information, hm. Yep, no information whatsoever." I quickly returned to my area and watched Kabuto teach Obito about his version of the Edo Tensei. Making several mental notes.

"Hmm… so that's how Madara became young-"

" _Sexy eyes, sexy nose, sexy mouth, sexy love~_ "

And he’s found the MMD. Because _of course_ he would find the MMDs.

"Itachi, please do not watch the MMDs, hm!"

"Why... am I in an apron?" Jesus Christ, I understand Itachi is a teenager, but come on!

"Someone made a computer model of you to make that. There was an animated short of you making eggs dressed like that, hm." I resumed my watching. "Okay… the hand signs are…"

"Why is an older version of my brother kissing Naruto…? There's also a picture of you and me-"

I stood up and tackled him away from the memory. " _ITACHI_! For the love of all things holy, don't follow your namesake and stay away from the fanart, hm!”

I had to monitor what he viewed from now on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER! This chapter, man. I hated the tone of the original version, I hated how Deidara just loses his absolute marbles when that is the opposite of my reaction in a stressful situation. I overthink, second guess myself, and fake an aura of calm. I spent 3 days fixing the Akatsuki part up and now it's in a state that makes me happy.
> 
> A note for the side story: I don't know if the MMD is still on youtube, a lot of Naruto ones keep disappearing. It has Madara, Shisui, Obito, Itachi, and Sasuke dancing to some K-pop song. It's... not something you can get out of your mind easily, just a fair warning.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So much fluff. Deidara introduces a new technique.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra chapter this bulk! I accidentally had 6 chapters in a single doc and didn't want to split up the docs again.

Being left alone was a luxury. A luxury that was denied to me for three days as I was going in and out of the hospital. I wasn’t ill anymore, Sasori’s medicine absolutely destroyed the illness down to the cell. However, the medicine came with a heavy price.

Kimimaro wasn’t able to wake me up the morning after returning to Konoha. Shaking me, poking every sensitive pressure point, not even the combined forces of his scream and the crow’s cries so much as caused a stir. I only woke up after Kimimaro dropped me in the bathtub filled with ice-cold water. I’m a light sleeper, the boys can’t even get up to use the toilet in the middle of the night without me waking up to the sound of their rustling bedsheets.

I was whisked away to the hospital for testing and medical care.

I had to spend four hours every day going through tests, blood transfusions, and even more medication to counterbalance the plants used in whatever Sasori gave me. Fun… very fun, I just _love_ taking medicine, note my sarcasm.

On a side note, I returned my ring to the crow. I had completely forgotten that it was on my finger, and I didn't want to risk it being used to track me or alert me of meetings. It was strange, wearing that ring on my finger. It felt… right. It was like a familiar weight even though I have never worn a ring the entire time I’ve been in this world.

Whenever I wasn't in the hospital, I was always with someone. I would usually hang out with Team Guy, training with Lee, or getting to know Tenten. She's actually a pretty cool kid, though her idea of cute was questionable at best. 

By the time the third day rolled around, I finally had every trace of Sasori's drugs flushed out of my systems, thank Kami because I hated taking all of those pills. Now I’ll have to spend another month drinking copious amounts of water to flush _that_ out of my system. On a happier note: Naruto and the gang were returning home!

I was bouncing on the balls of my feet, Kimimaro not even reacting at this point. I could feel them. New heartbeats, new chakra, new- it didn’t matter. Five people left the village, and six were returning, and the old man was definitely not with them.

Naruto ran to hug Kimimaro and me. I kissed his head, whispering soft praises for his hard work. When I lifted my head though, my tone changed.

"HAKU-CHAN!" I threw myself out of my brothers’ grip and pulled the Yuki boy into my arms, hugging him tightly. His dark eyes looked at me with uncertainty, trying to understand what was happening while Kabuza stood next to Kakashi.

"I'm guessing this is the brat you told us about, Kakashi?" Did he just call me what I think he called me?

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head, "Yeah… you see, Deidara-"

"Call me a brat again, Zabuza-san, and I'll shove Kubikiribocho so far up your ass you'll spit it out, hm." Someone pat my back, I said that name without stuttering!

Zabuza crossed his arms challengingly, a frown formed under his bandaged lips. He reached over his head for the Kubikiribocho, but Kakashi grabbed his wrist. The silver-haired man was shaking his head earnestly, making a “cut it out” motion while the genin around us were turning various shades of pale. All the while, Zabuza never took his eyes off mine, my face a challenge for him to come at me while I nuzzled Haku’s head.

"Fine, fine. But how do you know about us-" I shoved a piece of paper into his face. He grunted in annoyance, reading the paper quickly then crumbled it and flowed chakra into it. The paper darkened as water seeped into the fibers, pulling apart the liquid and pooling at his feet. "I see… fine kid, since Haku and I are alive, I'll believe this… For now."

"Good. Please note had I been in this situation a year earlier, I would have taken Haku with me like I did Kimimaro, hm." Haku made a questioning sound, having given up and took the hug at face value, melting in my arms. My ice muffin was alive and I am keeping it that way!

I blew Kimimaro a kiss because he was staring at me, arms crossed and head tilted. He’ll learn eventually. The kid was too smart for his own good.

Zabuza nodded, "Note taken. I take it that you’ll vouch for us to the Hokage?"

"Just tell him that Deidara is involved, hm." I let Haku go, who proceeded to hide behind Zabuza, blushing and I returned to my own chibis. Naruto shrank away only to get smothered in kisses and hugs from me.

"Deidara-nii! Stop, dattebayo!" Naruto flailed, trying to escape my affection.

"Shush, I haven't seen you in almost a week. Let me love you, hm." A giggle behind me caused my head to slowly turn towards Sakura and Sasuke. Both kids slowly backed away.

"Who wants to be smothered first, hm?" I questioned, resting my head on top of Naruto’s.

"I don't know Nii-sama,” Kimimaro said with a smirk, he joined in and rested his head on my shoulder. He didn’t blink when I turned my head and kissed his hair. “Sasuke-san needs someone to greet him from missions."

What a thoughtful brother I have, always caring for others! 

Sasuke loudly gulped.

Naruto snickered with a cheeky grin "I'd run if I were you, teme." 

And so the Uchiha did just that.

…

He didn't get very far.

Zabuza looked at Kakashi, gently patting Haku on the head to comfort the embarrassed boy. "Is this normal?"

The masked shinobi sighed and pulled out his porn, "Usually it's just Naruto. But Deidara is a mother in a man's body, to make a long story short."

The fellow masked shinobi nodded in thought, regarding the only child here with any sensible level of maturity. "Haku, go make some friends." Like a father trying to make his nerdy son go play football, he nudged the boy to Kimimaro.

Kimimaro gave Haku a long look and a spark of recognition lit up both boys' faces, "Have you ever sparred with a Hyuuga before?"

Haku tilted his head, a smile that was as warm as summer on his face."Not that I recall." Giving the bone boy a questioning gaze, blinking a few times.

Kimiamro paused for only a second. "Nii-sama, I will be taking Haku-san to Neji's. I will be home later." He motioned for the ice user to follow him, and Haku -after getting permission from Zabuza- went along with my brother.

I waved him goodbye while keeping a grip on my Duckie, "Be good, hm!"

"Deidara, let me go!" Sasuke shouted, trying to wiggle his way out of my grip.

I snorted, giving him the loudest kiss ever on his head. "Please, you love this attention. Now come on, we need to have ramen, hm." I threw Sasuke over my shoulder, leading the other two behind me. Sakura was calmly talking to me about the mission, while Naruto was teasing Sasuke about being a sack of flour. This earned him a ride on my other shoulder and Sasuke laughing at my brother's misery.

Both adults look at each other with the same thought running through their minds.

'Thank every deity out there that I'm too heavy.'

~^~^~^~^~

"So, anything new happened during the mission, hm?" I asked, slurping up my ramen.

Sasuke paused from his eating and looked at me, his Sharingan activated with two tomoe in one eye, and one in another. "These activated while I was fighting Haku."

So they did fight, I wonder how Haku and Zabuza got to live then. I lifted up my hand and waved it to the point where it was nothing but a blur. Sasuke easily lifted his own hand and copied me. Woohoo! The copy ability works!

Seriously, Uchihas don't do a lot of copying if my memory serves me right. Mostly Susano'o and Amaterasu. Gee, it’s like someone forgot the reason why the Sharingan were made in the first place!

"Nice Duck-kun, though don't expect me to allow you to rely solely on your new eyes when training, hm. I'll start making you fight blindfolded." I gave him a smirk as he frantically nodded. Sasuke doesn't need the Sharingan to become strong, they just make it easier to reach his end goal.

And I don't believe in taking the easy route. If I did, then I wouldn’t have been the one to kill Danzo.

I glanced at Sakura, who was trying this new “light” ramen, which was ramen with almost no sodium and used vegetable broth. Not once did she take a peek at Sasuke, focusing solely on her noodles. I have to admit, she’s turning into a wonderful kunoichi.

If she kept this up, I guess I'll encourage her to begin a relationship after she becomes a teenager… _a_ fter she becomes a teenager, and that's 16 in my book.

The pinkette quickly finished her ramen and excused herself so she could say hi to her parents.

I looked back at the boys, "Let's go to the training ground, I want to see how strong you two are, hm." I headed out after paying for our lunches and they quickly followed on my tail.

They lasted a solid twenty minutes against me working together. Their teamwork was flawless.

They're ready for the chunin exams.

~^~^~^~^~

A week later and I watched as each jonin instructor recommended their teams to the chunin exams. Kakashi signed up his trio without hesitation, knowing that not recommending them would invoke an unhappy me.

However, Anko looked to me for permission.

With a single nod, she faced the Hokage, "I, Mitarashi Anko, recommends Kaguya Kimimaro, Ukon, and Sakon to the chunin exams." 

Everything went smoothly until Iruka stepped in. He argued with Kakashi for a moment, trying to discourage Naruto’s team from going to the exams, but Kakashi was set in his ways.

He then turned to me, "Naruto is your brother! He hasn't even been a genin for that long, how do you know he's ready?!"

"I don't, but I trained him for five years and it is up to him on what he does with it, hm," I replied while examining my nail polish. "But he's my brother and he will not disappoint me. Neither will Kimimaro, hm." 

My brothers couldn’t disappoint me even if they tried. I’ve been proud of them since day one.

~^~^~^~^~

**Naruto's POV**

'Why did I let Konohamaru run his mouth?!' I repeated several times as we ran away from Sakura-chan and Hinata. Konohamaru called Sakura-chan ugly and that caused her to chase us, Hinata is only getting involved because Sakura-chan is her friend.

Why did Nii-san have to train them both?! He specifically took them both as his students, which makes Sakura-chan _scarier!_

"OOF!"

"Huh?" I stopped my running when Konohamaru fell to the ground after bumping into someone.

The guy had this freaky purple make-up, like a cat or Sasuke after a long paint session. Next to him was this pretty lady with blond hair and a big fan on her back. Their forehead protectors were from Suna, if my lessons with Nii-san were correct, but neither seemed friendly.

Overall, they looked weird.

"Ugh, just a bunch of brats. Why is Konoha so full of weaklings." The cat guy scoffed before grabbing Konohamaru by his shirt and lifted him off the ground. Konohamaru's friends shouted out his name while I gritted my teeth. How dare he insult our village!

I made a shadow clone and in the corner of my eye, Sakura-chan was preparing to fight while Hinata got into a stance.

"Oh? You punks wanna fight?" The guy pulled off a strange bandaged-up thing from his back. The blond girl looked at him and panicked.

"You're going to use the crow?!" 

Huh? Crow? Nii-san has a crow that follows him, but this doesn't look like a bird.

"Kankuro… that's enough." The two froze and looked over at a tree. Hanging upside down was another boy with red hair. But something was off about him.

I'm not sure if it was the gourd on his back or the fact that he doesn't have any eyebrows. He looks like someone Nii-san would hug though.

I wasn't paying too much attention to what they were saying, only that he made the two back off. "I'm sorry, for any trouble he may have caused." The redhead said, his voice was… dry. Do people in Suna all talk like that or is he just the weirdo of the group?

I looked at Sakura, she was pale and let out a gulp. Her voice was shaky. "It's fine. You three are for the chunin exams?" Huh? Chunin exams? It's already that time of the year? Wasn't Kimi-nii planning on participating?

The blond girl nodded, a hand on her hip., "That's right, we're from Sunagakure and we must be off to meet our jounin instructor. Goodbye." With that, the three Suna shinobi turned and left.

They didn't even have the nerve to tell us their names, except for that… Kankuro guy? Oh well, at least Sakura-chan stopped chasing us.

Also where the hell is Teme!?

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

"Test them if you wish, but they will enter. Please excuse me, there is someone I must greet, hm." I politely bowed to my senpais and left the building. Using my sensing abilities, it took me mere seconds to locate my target.

I stared down the trio, a staring contest with a pair of cold green eyes. How funny… in another timeline, this body would have caused his temporary death, and now I get to meet him on less… hostile grounds. The cutest human panda in existence.

Sabaku no Gaara.

"Gah, another Konoha punk to piss me off?" Oh right, his siblings are also here. Fuck you too Kankuro. I never really liked him. I don't know exactly why he just… annoyed me by existing.

"Careful there, Kankuro-kun, I could easily have you disqualified, hm." I give the boy a teasing wink.

Temari smirked, "And how could you do that? And how do you know our names?" She cockily folds her arms in mock defiance.

I give the three a mock bow before walking to them, the older pair going pale as I invaded their younger brother’s personal bubble. "The name is Deidara. I’m the proctor for the second event of the chunin exams, hm." That shut Gaara's siblings up, though Gaara is a walking pile of adorable serial killer apathy.

"Is there any reason why you decided to bother us?" Oh, damn, he has to avoid making death threats to Konoha shinobi because of the plans. Oh well.

"I just wanted to give you guys a fair warning. We’ve been having a really nasty infestation of snakes lately and Konoha snakes have been known to trick people. ." Kankuro and Temari exchange glances while Gaara glared suspiciously. I really want to hug Gaara, I really do… but I also like living. I'll resist the urge until after Naruto kicks his ass.

… 

Naruto, please kick his ass soon.

Speaking of snakes, guess who walked up behind me.

"Pardon me? I couldn't help myself but overhear that you are a proctor for the exams?" I bent my head back to look at Shiore, a creepily polite smile under a straw hat. Though it doesn't take a genius to tell that this was Orochimaru.

"You heard right, how may I help you, hm?" The Suna siblings left while I talked to the snake. Tch, Orochimaru just loves to ruin my days, huh?

He gestured to his teammates, "This is our first time being in this exam, would you show us where we go to register?" The fact that he expects me to believe this lie is almost hilarious. For some reason, Shonen Jump villains like to think their prey are idiots.

Foolish snakey, I'm an idiot, but not that kind!

Being the polite person that I pretend to be, I nodded and twisted my body so I stood straight, my spine making a symphony of pops. "Sure. Follow me, hm." I calmly head to the building, but that is interrupted when I am quickly tackled by Kimimaro. "Yes…?" A chill ran up my spine as Orochimaru stared intensely at my brother, like a kid at a candy shop. Just… urgh, gross.

"With your permission, may I enter the chunin exams, Nii-sama?" He showed me the registration paper and I facepalm. Damnit Kimi, you don't need to ask me these things! "But I didn’t want to make you worry." 

Whoops, didn't mean to say that out loud.

"Yes, you may enter the exams. Now shoo shoo, I need to help this team register, hm." Kimimaro looked up and became flustered, stammering apologies. Quickly standing straight, he bowed low to the team and ran off.

I am going to have to teach Kimi to not bow at snakes, he's supposed to kill them.

"What a cute Otouto you have." I bristled at Orochimaru's comment. Locking eyes with him, I could feel my chakra making my hair rise like a protagonist in a Ghibli film. Thankfully, it was windy enough to trick the eye. The last thing I need is people thinking I'm the second coming of Uzumaki Kushina.

"Thank you, I rescued him from a snake attack years ago and adopted him. I suggest never fighting him head-on, you'll die, hm." I inwardly smirked at Oro's unamused expression before I led them inside the building. "You register here. Good luck in the exams, hm."

Wanting to avoid running into even more people, I used the rooftops to reach our new apartments. Tenzo was paid to construct a new building on an empty plot of land, tailored specifically for the ever-growing number of people I kept bringing into Konoha. Mine, Naruto, and Kimimaro’s apartment stayed the same layout on my brother’s insistence. Even though everyone I’ve brought to the village, plus Sai, were free to live wherever they wanted, the only one that lived in a different residence was Sai. I actually haven’t met the boy personally, just signed paperwork for his therapy. It’s up to him if I ever see him in person.

In any way with the chunin exams only being a few days away, I hid in my room and pulled an all-nighter to prepare. I wanted my new technique perfected by dawn.

~^~^~^~^~

**3rd person POV**

Iruka had his three clones disguise themselves as masked shinobi. Each one tasked with testing out Team 7.

The first target was Naruto.

While Naruto was playing ninja with some kids, he kidnapped the girl. Without hesitation, Naruto used dozens of shadow clones and pummeled Iruka like a punching bag. The clone didn't stand a chance.

The next target was Sakura, a very similar situation happened. The minute the clone was within range, she weaved hand signs and sent a stone spire through his abdomen. If this was the real Iruka, he would have been dead.

"Oh! Sorry, Iruka-sensei's clone! Deidara-sensei told me to use that jutsu if a man approached me with malicious intent." The pinkette giggled. “I didn’t know that the jutsu would do that.”

Iruka wiped the sweat off his brow as he watched the clone poof into spoke from a distance. Just… how much influence did Dediara have on these kids?!

Considering that Sasuke's idea of handling the clone was to repeatedly stab it with a palette knife because he interrupted the Uchiha's painting time… Deidara has a strong influence.

Iruka went to Kakashi, pale and covered with nervous sweat, "They will be _just_ fine during the exams."

Kakashi looks at the teacher confused. There wasn’t a hint of amusement on the jonin as he took in the younger man’s gaunt face, quivering hands, and weak knees. "What happened?"

"Sasuke stabbed my clone with a palette knife…"

A raised silver eyebrow later, "Those are some of the dullest knives in existence."

Iruka shivered, "Not when it's in Sasuke's hands. You might as well give him a kunai." The teacher poofed back home and tried to relax after the whole ordeal. He couldn't help but smile at how much the three have grown over the last few years, he has little to worry about now.

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

Before Team 7 entered the building to take their tests, I handed them wrapped boxes.

"Eh? Deidara-nii, what's all this about, dattebayo?" His teammates shared the same thoughts as they stared at their own boxes.

"Open them, hm." That simple statement was enough to make the three chibis dig into their presents. I had to let a smile form on my lips, 'Even though they're old enough to kill now… they still act like kids…'

Naruto was the first to open his present, he observed the small orange creature staring up at him with big brown glossy eyes. It took them all a few seconds to realize the creature wasn't breathing.

It was a clay fox.

I spent the week before the chunin exams perfecting realism into my art, using colored clay I was able to create detailed sculptures that moved as if they were real. They took a considerable amount of chakra to make and were definitely not something I’d want to use regularly… but this was a crucial exception.

"Each of you gets a clay companion for the chunin exams, they are to help protect you and only you. Just give it a drop of blood and it will bond to your chakra, hm." I winced when Naruto bit his thumb, that crunch noise!

A single drop of blood later and the fox blinked then scampered up Naruto's jacket, draping itself over his shoulder. Once settled, it yawned and quickly closed its eyes as if falling asleep, I even put soapy water inside its body so it mimics a snot bubble… I couldn't resist.

Sakura was the next to open her box, I struggled to pick a creature for her. So I decided to give her a Chirithy from Kingdom Hearts. The little dream eater settled on her head when given blood and happily patted her head.

Sakura giggled, "These are so cute! Thank you, Deidara-sensei!" The pinkette hugged me while the Chirithy easily balanced on her head. Good to know that she likes cats.

Sasuke on the other hand… was anything but amused. He stared at his creature with disdain and reluctance as if it was a sick joke.

It kind of was considering I gave him a weasel.

"Really…?" Sasuke looked up at me with a frown pulling his lips.

I gave him a cheerful smile as I chirped out, "Yep! It's either a weasel that you wear as a scarf or a duck sitting on your head, hm!" I'm grateful he doesn't have the Mangekyou right now. I like living.

I had to hold in my laughter as I made him give blood to the clay rodent. Once alive it scrambled up Sasuke's shirt, wrapped around his neck like a scarf, and instantly blended in with his skin. Sasuke's weasel was tricky to make. I had to use rare materials that blended in with its environment to get the right mixture, and Haku helped me reflect his skin tone. Unlike the clay fox and Chirithy, the weasel isn't made to be seen, in fact, it won't survive past this day.

It will be the thing that Orochimaru bites, not Sasuke.

Unless you felt the Uchiha's neck, you couldn’t see the weasel. It doesn't move, doesn't get in the way, and it doesn't attack. All it was made to do was blow up in Orochimaru's face, better than Duck-boy gets burned than a cursed hickey that can literally bring Oro back to life.

This was also the next step in getting Itachi home.

I gave Kimimaro a clay creature earlier in the morning. After less than a minute of consideration, I made him a replica of his dragon plush. He wore it over his shoulders like a feather boa as it snoozed away. Absolutely adorable and I took a picture of it with my scope when Kimimaro wasn’t looking.

I gave each chibi a kiss on their cheeks followed by loving embraces. I love these kids, I love them so much. I feel like a proud parent sending their child off to their first day of school.

The only difference is that this school has over 100 shinobi waiting to kill them.

~^~^~^~^~

**Side story #6: Tenten**

The day after Naruto’s team came home, I sat bored under a tree watching Team Guy train. Kimimaro refused to allow me to train, putting Guy in charge of me…. For some reason, the taijutsu master had agreed. So all I could do was make some sculptures.

At some point, Tenten sat next to me and watched with fascination as I turned a simple lump of clay into…

A penguin? Weird, penguins aren't something I typically make. They're useless in battle and can't fly. This one was particularly strange. It had big goo-goo eyes and mini devil wings on its back. Well, I’ve been wanting to test out a new technique for a while now...

Curiosity got the better of me, I toss the sculpture onto the ground and let it grow to size with a poof. Once it was the right size, I put a few droplets of blood on the top of it.

"Wow! Thanks for making me dood!"

My eye widened as I quickly looked at Tenten, who seemed equally as confused. Did my sculpture just talk…? And call me… "dude"? Or was it something else? Sounded like dude.

When the smoke vanished, standing before us on peg legs was some freaky penguin with a sewn belly. Almost like a poorly made stuffie. It waved to us frantically to get us to snap out of our stupor.

"You okay dood?"

Oh my Kami, this thing is so…

"Are you a man or a lady? I can't tell dood!"

 _Annoying_.

Its voice was cute, but no way in hell do I want this as a clay creature. Nu-uh, if I'm gonna have ANY talking creatures, it's gonna be something I recognize.

Though there are some familiarities in its design, mostly in its weird sentence ender. Maybe I saw it on a video once?

Whatever, this was a waste of chakra and clay. I’m making a Meow Wow.

I held up a hand sign to blow up the sculpture when Tenten grabbed my arm in a vice grip. She never took her eyes off of that disturbing penguin.

"You're so cute!" Seriously girl? I gave Tenten a sideways glance and she proceeded to hug the penguin. "What is this, Deidara-san?!"

"I'm a Prinny! I have to serve until I can reincarnate. It's a hard life dood!"

My eye twitched as Tenten openly accepted this weird creature. Especially after it pulled out a comically sized cartoon bomb from its pouch. Oh… I accidentally made it a C2… lovely. No wonders my chakra felt depleted.

"Can I keep it Deidara-san?! Please?" The girl’s eyes sparkled like a thousand cherry bombs on New Year's Eve, begging me to say yes.

I sighed, waving a dismissive hand. "Yeah sure. Go ahead. Just don't cause too much mayhem with it. I’m not responsible if something happens, hm.”"

I had to smile at Tenten's enthusiasm though, you learn almost nothing about her in the main series. Honestly, the Rock Lee spin-off was what made me like her character in the first place.

I actually forgot about her existence for quite some time.

After helping her make a blood bond with the Prinny, Neji walks me home.

~^~^~^~^~

Just a couple of days before the Chunin Exams, I heard a voice yelling behind me… okay, I lied. There were several voices.

"MAKE WAY, DOOD!" I leaped to the side as literal dozens of those freaky penguins ran past me. What the fuck?!

"Hey, Deidara-san! Did you know that the clone jutsu works on your sculptures if they're connected to chakra?" Tenten laughed past me after the prinnies, jumping over rooftops and shop stalls to keep up with the armada of bomb-wielding zombie-penguins.

I slowly rubbed my temples, a massive headache beginning to form. Great, I gave Tenten a penguin army.

I still can't remember where I've seen those creatures! I know they're from a video game, but I'm not sure where!

Gah, I should have made a heartless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haku and Zabuza live! Woohoo!
> 
> It's also time for the Chunin Exam. My favorite arc in the original series and also one of my favorite arcs to write. It also introduces blood bonded clay creatures, which are effectively golems, functioning through their bonded's chakra. It's a weird addition to the story, but one that I enjoyed using.
> 
> I would like to mention that I have never played the Disgaea franchise. That side story was requested to me by a reader because I stupidly took requests and didn't know how to say "no" because I wanted people to like me. Lesson learned: Only take requests when you truly want to do it. Ukon and Sakon were requests actually and I liked that one. But... yeah... Tenten now has a talking C2 penguin bomb with her.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The genin take the first test!

**3rd person POV**

Team 7 entered the exam building, only to find many genin teams arguing with two boys, claiming that the exam was too tough. Two of the teams were Team Guy and Team Anko, only Kimimaro and Neji were just calmly chatting between the two of them.

Sasuke looked at the sign, muttering to his teammates, "This is the second floor. There's a genjutsu."

"Huh?" Naruto responded dumbly before looking up at the sign that said 3 on it. "I'll take your word for it then, Teme. I suck at genjutsu, dattebayo."

The Uchiha facepalmed. Of course, Naruto's weakness is genjutsu, he's got the brains for it. "Just collect your brother, Dobe. We'll be late if we stick around with these losers." The Uchiha walked off, their female teammate trailing behind him.

All Naruto had to do was wave at Kimimaro for him to grab Neji by his collar and drag the Hyuuga away, forcing the other three genins and one penguin to follow.

Lee tried to fight Sasuke to prove himself in front of Neji. But sadly, the Uchiha was more fascinated with a random painting than the bushy-browed boy.

"I'll fight you, dattebayo!" Naruto instantly jumped the gun on a fight, grinning mischievously. He’s heard too many stories about Lee and Guy from his Nii-san that he just had to see what he was all about. 

"No thanks, I only wish to fight the Uchiha." Lee politely declined before looking at Sakura. She was in the middle of fiddling with her headband, flipping her shiny hair as the sun hit it at the exact moment to leave Lee in a state of flustered bewilderment. "Beautiful."

Sakura's eyebrow twitched, 'Be nice… he works out with Deidara-sensei.' Even with this, she could feel herself inching to the right to hide behind the other boys. A gut feeling was telling her that it was safer behind Kimimaro and Naruto than being out in the open. "U...um… Thanks?"

"Please go out with me! I swear I will protect you with my life!" Lee proclaimed then blew a kiss, manifesting a heart that skillfully flew over the brothers and chased Sakura. The Chirithy on her head flailed as it struggled to stay on its human’s head.

"GAH! This is not normal!" Sakura ran out of spots to hide just as Lee sent out a barrage of hearts. She shrieked as one was about to come in contact with her when it was suddenly sliced in half by Sasuke’s kunai.

"She’s not interested. Instead of proclaiming your love, court her then try again," Sasuke scolded Lee and checked on Sakura for non-existent injuries.

"I'm fine, Sasuke-kun. Thanks for the help though." Sakura gave him a relieved smile and the Uchiha stuffed his hands into his pockets.

"Hn, let's just go." Neji and Tenten had to drag Lee away, while Kimimaro walked off with Sakon. Ukon was there, but he had merged with his twin.

Team 7 headed towards the door to the exams, only to be greeted by Kakashi.

Naruto tilted his head, almost hitting his fox in the process. "Why are you here, Kakashi-sensei, dattebayo?"

The silver-haired man rubbed the back of his head in thought. "Well, I have to meet up with your brother soon. But I wanted to wish you three luck. You've grown into strong shinobi, I can tell you will all do well on the test." He gave them his famous eye crinkle smile, poofing away.

The team all share varying degrees of smiles before nodding to each other. Naruto stepped forward, opening the door only to be greeted by a room full of tense, pissed-off faces.

“... Are we in the right room?” Sakura whispered to Sasuke, the Uchiha now fiddling with a palette knife.

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

At my apartment, I slowly sat on my sofa after serving tea to the people I had invited over. In the room, Kakashi sat on my right, Anko on my left. Hiashi took to a silk cushion on the floor, while Haku and Zabuza sat on the loveseat. Guy leaned against the wall. I was going to invite Daiki, but I didn't want to risk the kid's safety; I not only had little faith in him keeping his mouth shut, but I also didn't want him to be targeted by the Akatsuki for information.

These were the people I trust with the truth. Minus Haku and Zabuza, I have known them all for almost five years now. They deserve this.

I took a deep breath which pulled everyone’s attention towards me. "Alright… I have some… something important to tell you guys, something that right now, only Kakashi knows, hm."

"I knew it," Anko suddenly said, nodding to herself with a proud smile.

"Eh?" I intelligently asked.

"You're dating Kakashi, aren't you?" Neither Kakashi nor I had a chance to deny this before she leaped to her feet, grinning like a doofus. "I totally called it! I had a feeling ever since I saw you leave with him that day, and now you're here to tell us all about it! So, who tops who?" What... the fuck Anko, I'm 16!

Without thinking, Kakashi and I sprang away from each other. He landed on the opposite end of the room, while I ended up landing on Haku and Zabuza. Guy fell for this and started yelling that "Kakashi is too unyouthful for such a great youth to be dating!" while scolding Kakashi for his age. 

Hiashi, one of the few sane people in this room, facepalmed and resumed his tea drinking. Thankfully, he understood that while I like men, I would never date Kakashi. Haku and Zabuza… Well, they were looking at Anko like she was an idiot.

"Anko, I'm not dating Kakashi. He's twice my age, that's gross, hm." Kakashi felt no need to argue with me, as he also agreed with that statement. There was also the teeny-tiny detail of HE LIKES GIRLS! At least, I think he does, with how often Obito is on his mind... I'm honestly unsure about him.

Anko waved her hand dismissively, "Ah, age is but a number, come on, you have a thing for him. Admit it."

I deadpanned. "No Anko, I don't and that's not why I brought you all here, hm." Seriously, is she this desperate to pair me off with someone?

"But come on, Dei-chan! You're single and at this rate, you're gonna die a virgin!" Looks like it.

Also been there, done that, "Anko…"

"I honestly don't see a problem with it." She folded her arms while looking smug.

"Please just-!"

"Who else would you date then-?”

"YOU ALL ARE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS IN A MANGA AND I’M A REBORN SOUL, HM!" I shouted at the top of my lungs, grateful that Kakashi had sealed the room before the meeting. The room went silent, except for Hiashi’s near muted drinking of his tea.

Anko faltered, "What..?"

I climbed off the two Kiri shinobi and folded my arms defensively over my chest. "You heard me… I died in another dimension where this world is a popular manga… one that was a big part of my childhood… and I used to be a girl that, once I died, I woke up in this body as Deidara, hm.”

Hiashi looked at me suspiciously, "So, you lied?"

I look at the Hyuuga. "I never lied. I said that I know of a future, you never asked the right questions, hm." Hiashi considered this for a moment, giving me a sharp glance. He nodded then looked away. It’s not like I would have told him the truth anyway.

Zabuza spoke from behind me, "Might as well start talking, we'll listen." The others in the room nodded in agreement. Well, they are willing to listen...

I returned to the sofa, Kakashi returned after Guy stopped berating him. Anko just watched me carefully.

"Here's the whole story…"

~^~^~^~^~

**Sasuke's POV**

'Heh, this was easy.' I had activated my Sharingan to mimic the movements of the guy in front of me, and I hit the jackpot almost right away. Some of the questions were fairly easy like the decoding, but that was only because Deidara would make us work on them. I cannot even begin to imagine how much we would be struggling without the push. 

'Weird… it's like he knew we would be tested on it...'

My smirk dropped when I spotted the Dope panicking in the front row. ‘Seriously, Naruto? Your brother drilled this stuff into our heads and you’re struggling with the questions?’

I flipped my test over so only a Hyuuga could cheat and began to sketch. The weasel snoozed around my neck and I kept my head down as teams began to be disqualified one by one.

Guess to become a chunin you either have to be resourceful, intelligent, or born lucky.

**Sakon's POV**

"Brother… the answer to 8 is…" Ukon quietly informed me about answers using our kekkei genkai. We had merged before the jounins showed up, and they either figured out our technique and chose not to say anything, or Konoha shinobi are full of idiots.

What was truly amusing was that within seconds, the genin behind us got disqualified as Ukon's head sticking from my spine caused him to slip up. Oh well, we had the first eight filled out, that should be enough points. Ukon and I swapped places with a movement as simple as a neck roll and he filled out his paper -something we smuggled over before the test started- with the same answers. It’s not cheating if my paper was flipped upside down.

I could see Kimimaro was finished too. I let out a soft chuckle, causing the two genins sitting on either side of us to look at me nervously, the one on my right was instantly disqualified.

And this is why you keep your head close to your paper, kiddies.

**Sakura's POV**

'That Ino-pig! She thinks she can inhabit my body and steal my answers? Oh, she is going to get it later on, shannaro!' I sat at my seat quietly fuming at what just happened moments ago. I could feel her already passing the information to her teammates. Shikamaru is a genius, why does he need her help?! Excuse me, _my_ help! My answers, so it was _my_ help!

The… I think it's called a Chirithy, gently patted my head to calm me down. It's so cute...

I folded my arms and glared at the wall ahead of me. I could see Naruto struggling with his test, 'Why does he have to struggle so much under pressure? If Deidara-sensei was the proctor he would be breezing through the answers.'

After staring at Ibiki for a few minutes a random thought appeared and my head tilted.

'Isn't he the one that screams like a girl every Halloween from Deidara-sensei's costumes…?'

**Kimimaro's POV**

The test is too easy. I finish within minutes of it starting and now I'm absentmindedly drawing a border around my test. I had laid my clay dragon on my lap and used that as inspiration; I am no artist despite Nii-sama and Sasuke-san's natural talents, I can only draw what I can see.

The test was completely pointless, I could see even Neji noticing how ridiculous the whole thing is. It’s just a test on how well you could obtain information. I just let him copy my answers, it's better if more genin that we know are in the next rounds than ones we don't know.

What has been bothering me though, is the man Nii-sama had escorted to the registration building not only sat by me in complete silence, but he kept staring at me through his hair. The entire time I have sat next to him, he has shown no signs of stress or anxiety. Even the girl with red hair on the other side of me was borderline panicking as she could not figure out one of the math problems.

"You are a rather talented boy." I sat tense in my seat as the man finally spoke in a low hiss, like a snake whispering deadly secrets. I want to kill that whisper and silence it forever.

I chose to remain silent, I cannot risk my team being disqualified. Not only would it let Anko-sensei down, but Nii-sama would be disappointed if we left because I made the calculated error to talk.

Otouto would be left alone too. I need to be there to protect him and his team.

The man let out a low chuckle before returning to his finished test, I definitely wanted to kill that voice.

**Hinata's POV**

'I… I need to do well for Kiba and Shino… but what if I mess up-' I felt a tap on my head, even though Deidara-san wasn’t there. Ever since Deidara-san had trained me in my confidence, whenever I start to doubt myself I would feel a tap. I remember when I asked, he said I was experiencing "ghost pain", and while I don't understand how that works… It was a nice reminder to have faith in myself.

Naruto-kun was sitting next to me and he seemed worried. He had the decoding question answered but a math problem was holding him back.

I want us to continue into the exams together. This is my chance to prove not only myself but to Naruto-kun that I am not a meek little girl anymore. And… it's not cheating if I give him my answers willingly… right…?

Taking a gulp of air, I let out a soft, "Naruto-kun…?"

**Naruto's POV**

'GAH! What do I do?! I don't know any of this! I'm going to fail and be stuck as a genin, and Teme and Sakura-chan will be so mad at me! The clock's ticking won't stop either, man am I scre-'

"Naruto-kun…?"

'Huh?' A soft voice next to me snapped me out of my thoughts. Looking to my right, Hinata was sitting next to me, 'Hinata…? Wow, I forgot she was even next to me…’ Why do I feel like an ass for that?

I quietly returned a whisper, "Yeah?" Instead of responding, she secretly snuck her test under her arm for me to see… Ohhhhhhh… She wants me to cheat… wait.

"Why are you doing this Hinata…?" I mean, I trust her but she is risking both of us getting disqualified.

She pushed her fingers together in a nervous way. Nii-san made me study body language for endless hours. "Well… I just… thought it would be nice if we all passed together…"

I tilted my head in thought, that's really cool of her! But before I could take a peek, a kunai whizzed past my head and the guy behind us got disqualified. I gulped nervously, "I'll be okay Hinata, dattebayo! I'll make sure to pass!" Hinata looked at me with wide eyes, before her cheeks turned pink and looked away, nodding.

She's gotten to be a pretty cool girl, but her habits are still a little odd.

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

"And that's how I knew where to find Kimimaro and the twins, hm." I finished, nervously beginning to fidget in my seat as everyone stared at me. Their expressions ranged from blank -Haku, Kakashi, and Hiashi- to complete and utter bafflement -everyone else- leaving heart rates beating in such sporadic patterns I had to shut off my chakra flow to my feet. Kakashi was the only one in the room that knew ahead of time, and while I left out a bunch of information, I said enough about my past life in detail for them to believe me. I had even pulled out the Notebook of Doom to show them my sketches of people and translated some details that were considered S rank secrets.

Finally, Anko broke the tension, "So that's why you like men!" I felt my hand greet my face while hearing the sound of other's hands doing the same thing. Leave it to my dear friend Anko to know her priorities.

Zabuza, who had also facepalmed, looked over at her with a disgruntled expression. "The kid not only confirmed that reincarnation is an actual thing, but that in his past life we are all fictional characters that he watched to the point of borderline obsession..." I was not obsessed-... yeah no, middle school me was a complete nerd. "… and you're focused on his _sexuality_?"

Anko shrugged and reached over grabbing my head and began to smother me in her… ahem- assets. "So? Dei-chan is still Dei-chan, knowing that inside this body is a little girl only makes him cuter." Jesus Christ this woman really is insane. Also, I can't breathe.

I yank my head away from Anko's death trap. "HEY! I was nineteen when I died! I was not a 'little girl' hm!" I hate being called a kid, dammit I am mature for my age, treat me as such!

Hiashi, having enough of this, finally spoke up, "What will you have us do now, Deidara? Now that we know the truth about you."

I opened my mouth then closed it with an audible _click_ of my teeth. I… did not think past telling them the truth. I just couldn’t stand lying to them anymore. It was already making me lose sleep knowing I was lying to all of my chibis, but my adult friends? I felt like a child hiding a broken vase from their parents. Just… guilt.

"Not sure… but… I want you guys to trust me on decisions I choose to make, hm." I feel several of them tense up. "If something goes wrong, then it's my fault, but at the same time, certain things cannot be changed with a simple 'Hey! I'm here with knowledge from the future, so listen to me!' Because not only does that sometimes have the opposite effect… but it puts myself and my brothers at risk. While I originally had this grandeur idea of changing the future, I need to do baby steps. Especially now that I killed Danzo, I don't need more people targeting me, hm." 

How Orochimaru has failed to learn the truth about me is beyond my comprehension.

Guy nodded and gave me a thumbs-up, "Such youth and determination! We will do our best to help you out!" At least I have Guy on my side… yay?

Kakashi cuts in, "But if we feel the need to interfere, don't expect us to stop just because you say so."

I looked over at the silver-haired shinobi with a smile, "Wouldn't have it any other way... FUCK!" Kakashi sprang to his feet as the shout went right into his ear. "The test is almost over! I gotta go, hm!"

Running towards my window, I pulled out a sculpture I had worked on for two nights straight. My giggle turned into a maniac cackle as I let it grow to its excessively large size and hopped onto its back. People were screaming below me, Anbu and various jonin rushing to civilians and the occasional stupid chunin, explaining that they’re safe. Well, if that’s the general populace’s reaction...

Time to scare some chibis!

**3rd person POV**

The room had just recovered from the revelation that the test was just a ploy to pluck out unworthy teams when a heavy _THUD_ shook the building. Dust from the roof scattered, covering the heads of many and leaving the darker-haired genin with what looked like dandruff. Many eyes trained on the roof.

"Um… Hinata, did you just hear that?" Naruto looked over at the Hyuuga girl but was interrupted by Sakon.

"Are you kidding me? I FELT that!" The younger of the twins sprang to his feet, knees bent like a coiled spring ready to jump.

Neji and Hinata activated their Byakugan.

“What the fu- hell?” Neji whispered loudly to the mute room. Kimimaro’s head whipped to his friend to confirm that, yes, Neji nearly swore.

Heart rates increased in pace when every jonin and chunin in the room shoved earplugs in their ears. The jonin closest to the windows grabbed the genin between rows 3 and 7, practically throwing them across the room.

Kiba also got to his feet, sniffing loudly. "What the hell-"

Suddenly, a large, black, reptilian head the size of a Daimyo’s carriage slammed through the flimsy plaster and stone of the building’s wall, roaring. Genin were screaming, some were crying, Orochimaru broke the table with how tightly he gripped the wood, Gaara scooted away from everything and everyone. Ibiki clutched a hand over his heart, scowling.

There was a cackle coming from the upside-down head.

"Oh my God… hahahahaha! Holy shit! I didn't think Drogon would scare you guys so much, hm!" That all-too-familiar verbal tic caused several more genin to stand up.

"DEIDARA/-NII/-SENSEI/-SAN/NII-SAMA!" All yelled at once without a single speck of harmony.

The blond bomber carefully climbed around the massive beast's head and leapt into the room, still laughing. "I couldn't help myself! That was too funny, hm!" With a single hand sign the dragon poofed into a miniature, but detailed, figure and he pocketed it.

Ibiki removed his earplugs, "As funny as this was, and while you did warn us ahead of time. That's coming out of your next three A-rank paychecks."

Deidara waved at Ibiki dismissively, "Yeah yeah yeah, just be glad I warned you all ahead of time, hm.”

"What the hell was that for! You scared us all half to death!" Ino yelled, red face and eyes pricking with tears.

The older blond pouted, "Aw… only half…? Boo, hm." Genin unfamiliar with Deidara shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

A sudden clap caused the tenser genin to jump. "Alright kiddies, and old people if you are older than me, my name is Deidara. I'll be your proctor for the second exam. Follow me please, hm." He begins to walk, only to pause noticing no one has moved. Pulling out Drogon again, "Come on, I don't like being kept waiting, hm!"

Quickly, several genins scrambled after him. The redhead girl slammed into his back when he suddenly stopped.

The bomber snickered to himself, "Waiting...pffff…" Before continuing on walking, as if whatever he said was the best inside joke he's ever heard.

Out of the 24 shinobi following the blond, only about 8 of them were positive that Deidara was not insane… even the ones that know him were questioning this.

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

After the whole scare fiasco, I met up with all of the genin + 1 snake pedo out at the front of the Forest of Death.

"Alright, chibis! Listen up and listen good, because I hate repeating myself! Everyone will go through a gate, enter this forest," I point at it behind me, "And have five days to get to the center tower, hm."

Ino shrieks, "WHAT?! How are we supposed to do that?!"

I ignored her and jabbed my thumb at a map. "The Forest of Death is huge, filled with animals and insects just waiting for human flesh… I predict at least… meh, a fourth of you will die, hm." I think my casual shrug made some of the genin afraid, I'm feeling increased heart rates. "This is a survival exercise, but also a hunt."

I pulled out the heaven and earth scrolls and explain the basic rules for the exam, followed by explaining the waiver. 

"Finally, I added a special rule to this… Hokage's permission, of course, hm."

I smirked when a few glances were exchanged. 

"When you sign the waiver and get your scroll, you will also get one of these, hm." I pulled out a small clay bird. "I will be flying over the forest at all times. If you need me to show up, just throw the birds into the air, they will dodge all attacks and explode, hm. However, you only have one. Which is why there are rules to this."

"Rules?" I heard several genins, including Naruto, repeat.

"Yes, rules. One: If you wish to give up, I will collect you and your teammates and bring you to safety. Two: I will always show up from the air on a clay bird, if you do not believe it is me, ask me to use my kekkei genkai and I shall blow something up, hm." I paused, waiting for questions. 

hen there was none, I continued. "Third: I will also come to provide aid if you are in a life or death situation with forest creatures only! If you are attacked by another team I will ignore you, hm. The exception is if you believe someone is not a genin and they attack you, hm."

I'm looking at you, Orochimaru.

Kankuro smirked, thinking he's gonna be a smart ass no doubt. "And if we use these birds so we could attack you?"

"Oh, I'll kill you and all of your cute little teammates, hm!" I chirped quite happily. "Like this!" I created a clone and set a clay frog by it. "Katsu."

The frog dissolved, but nothing else happened.

The only people that understood what was happening were the sensors and Orochimaru. Another hand sign from me and the clone slowly dissolves into the air, while I kept a kindergarten teacher smile.

"That is how you will die if you try to attack me, hm! Now sign the waiver and get into position." I dropped my happy smile with a sadistic glare as the genin teams collected the paper.

Because I am appearing professional, I ignored Naruto trying to play twenty questions with me, and just stared down any teams that dare to look at me. I may be a small blond, but minus Orochimaru, I can kick everyone's asses here.

Not that I would, there are too many sweethearts. I should bring cookies to the tower.

"Alright! Everyone ready, hm!" Seeing the teams settled at their gates, I created a bird and flew off screaming out, "BEGIN!" The gates open and teams run into the forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yep, Deidara is pretty open about his reincarnation to people he trusts. Considering it'll allow him to roam and do things more freely without everyone questioning his motives. 
> 
> Also, Anko wasn't allowed to handle the Forest of Death due to her status as a jonin sensei.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Forest of Death and Deidara's usual meddling

**3rd person POV**

Ibiki entered the Hokage's office with a splitting headache and some questions that needed to be answered. In the office, Hiruzen was calmly drinking tea while his clones handled the paperwork. An odd sight, but Ibiki's headache prevented him from wanting to ask.

"Hokage-sama, we need to talk about Deidara," Ibiki said with a bow.

Hiruzen looked from his tea at Ibiki and sighed, "What has he done this time?"

Ibiki straightened his back. "He's- 'this time' Hokage-sama…?" His shoulders slumped at the prospect of things going on regarding Deidara that he may have missed. He coughed and continued, "He created a massive dragon, destroyed a wall to the testing room, and scared the piss out of several genins. I'm certain without the heads up, many of the jounins would be in the same position or even injured."

Hiruzen slowly blinked and motioned for Ibiki to continue. The movement was lazy, not a single muscle in his body translated to tenseness. "And?"

'Is he serious?!' Ibiki throws his arms in the air. "Hokage-sama! Why do you allow Deidara to have so much freedom?! Sure, the kid has proved his loyalty to the village countless times, but why are you letting him do whatever the hell he wants?!”"It's Deidara," Hiruzen said that as plainly as someone telling an idiot that the sky was blue.

"Hokage-sama! This is serious! Why is Deidara allowed to do the things he can do like leaving the village willy nilly?" No regular Konoha shinobi can do that, Ibiki thought to himself. Deidara wasn’t anywhere close to being considered an Anbu, he wasn’t a jonin sensei, and he shouldn’t be able to just pop-up in the Hokage’s office, say “I’m gonna be gone for a few days, hm!” and come back with random kids!

"It's Deidara," Hiruzen repeated himself, eyes glazing over. It wasn’t a genjutsu, but instead something akin to, in Ibiki’s opinion, boredom.

"Having access to S-class information despite not being an Anbu and also being born in another village?" Ibiki asked.

"Because, it's Deidara."

"Is there anything he can't do?"

Hiruzen nodded, "Yes, he’s not allowed to take genin or anyone under his influence outside of the village under most circumstances. He cannot assign himself onto a mission or genin team, and he is still obligated to answer my calls."

Ibiki made note of the word “obligated”. 

An Anbu appeared, kneeling before the Hokage. "Hokage-sama, Deidara is dropping explosives into the Forest of Death on the wildlife."

Ibiki gave Hiruzen a questioning look, "Do you have a reason for this?" Ibiki winced when Hiruzen took a long drink of his tea, slowly set it down, and cleared his throat. The scarred man regretted the poorly worded question.

"It's Deidara."

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

Within less than ten minutes, birds were already going off into the air. I had to create clones and make them go collect any teams that gave up or needed immediate medical attention. I can confirm that Hinata's team passed thanks to Shino using leeches… ugh. Poor bastards lost a teammate to blood loss.

Shivering at the disturbing imagery, it took me a few minutes to locate Team 7. Team Anko decided that they were just going to go ham on anything that moved and collect scrolls… Well, Ukon and Sakon decided this, Kimimaro is just there as backup.

The Chunin Exams was and still is, my favorite arc of the original series. So many amazing characters made their debut and the animation was… ahem, almost always beautiful. I'm looking at you Sasuke, you had some weird faces.

By the time I was able to zoom my scope onto Naruto's team, Orochimaru was already fighting Sasuke and Sakura. Naruto was most likely dealing with the giant snake, but damn, Sakura is a beast!

~^~^~^~^~

**3rd person POV**

Before the fateful fight, Team 7 regrouped after chasing away a team of Amegakure shinobi. They sat in a circle, knees touching, and blissfully unaware of the bamboo pipe sticking out of the ground mere meters from them.

"We need to make a password so we know if one of us is being impersonated or not,” Sasuke started, looking over his shoulder as he thought of a code. Sakura looked at him confused, 'Why not just speak in Deidara-sensei's other tongue…?' Before she could get a word in edgewise, Sasuke spoke up.

"We will ask each other, 'When does a shinobi strike?'" Sasuke decided and recited the poem, blinking only once as if to confirm his teammates’ understanding.

Naruto and Sakura looked at each other blankly. Sakura memorized it easily, but it flew over Naruto's head like one of Lee's heart.

"Sasuke-kun… How about instead we-" Sakura was cut off as a powerful gust of wind hit the team, sending them flying. Sasuke and Sakura hid in the bushes, while Naruto landed near a monstrous snake.

Some things never change.

Sasuke climbed out of the bush and looked around. "Sakura? Naruto?" Sakura slowly came out of her hiding spot and approached him. Sasuke held up a hand, the other one producing a kunai. "Hang on. The password."

Sakura nodded, rolling her eyes., "Right… a shin-… oh, come on Sasuke-kun, that poem is lamer than that time Deidara-sensei spent an hour trying to shove you into a duck costume on Halloween." She folded her arms with a deadpan expression. Deidara _did_ succeed, but the costume only stayed on until Deidara looked away to fix Kimimaro’s costume.

She let out a giggle when Sasuke's face turned tomato red and he looked away, grumbling, "You're the real Sakura alright."

"Hey, guys! What the hell was with that wind, dattebayo?!" Naruto ran towards his teammates, fox on his shoulder and all. Sasuke glared at Naruto, pushing Sakura behind him."Oh… right, the password."

Naruto then recited the poem word for word.

At first, the two sighed in relief. After all, that _was_ the requirement. But then a thought came to Sakura, and then to Sasuke and they looked at each other. Sakura bit her lip and Sasuke’s eye twitched, taking a side glance at the grinning blond. Despite all of his brothers’ teachings, Naruto was still dumber than a sack of hammers.

So they decided to test a theory.

"What is the name of the creature Deidara gave Sakura?" Sasuke said blankly, jabbing a thumb at the Chirithy on Sakura's head, which somehow didn’t fall off this entire time.

Naruto's expression fell as he stared at the dream eater on the pinkett's head, "Uhhh Teme, 

Sasuke and Sakura were already in defensive positions by the time “Naruto” recovered. Sweat formed on Sasuke’s palms and the new kunai in his hand was slipping from his grasp.

"For your information, it's a Chirithy." The Chirithy patted Sakura's head in approval. The pinkette felt that if the figure had fingers, it would have given “Naruto” one of Deidara-sensei’s rude hand gestures he used often when annoyed.

"You're just an imposter. I bet you don't even know what's in the real Naruto's locket,” Sasuke said with a slight tremor in his voice. Even without seeing who the person truly was, a chill ran down his spine at the _wrongness_ of the imposter. Naruto’s face with the aura of… of something vicious, merciless, without any sense of humanity.

It felt like he was looking at his best friend… like he was some _monster_.

"Aren't we the clever ones?" A cloud of smoke poofed into the air, as it cleared there stood Orochimaru. The fox turned into a snake that hissed at the duo. "You didn't trust your teammate even with a password and used personal questions to weed out imposters. Quite intelligent."

"Thanks for the compliment, but you should’ve done your research before trying to impersonate the dobe," Sasuke backed away when looking at Orochimaru in the eye, gulping for air like his breath was being sucked away.

Orochimaru pulled out his scroll, catching the two's attention. He grinned, their sudden eagerness bringing a wave of amusement within him. "You'd love to get your hands on our earth scroll, isn't that right?" Smirking, he tilted his head back and swallowed the scroll whole, relishing in the fear in the genins’ eyes. 

"By the end of this battle…" He licked the saliva off his chin, "One of us will have both scrolls… and the other will be dead."

It was like the Fuck This Shit train had taken a sudden stop into Nope Town as both genins sprang into action.

" _Sakura! Ground sink_!" Sasuke shouted in English, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Orochimaru. Sasuke quickly jumped onto a tree, pulling out a shuriken and throwing them with intention at the man.

" _Got it. Fire him!_ " Sakura charged forward rapidly weaving hand signs and slamming her hands onto the ground. "Earth style: Antlion technique!"

Orochimaru glanced at his sinking feet, intrigued by the advanced technique. 'How clever, minimizing my movements. I didn't expect such a technique from a young gi-' His thoughts were cut short as Sakura slammed her fist into his face. Using strength that reminded him of a younger Tsunade, his body was ripped out of the earth and he collided- no, plowed through several trees. ‘Tsunade-hime would have liked this girl.’

"NOW, SASUKE-KUN!"

"Nice job with the landscape, Sakura! Fire style: Fireball jutsu!" Sasuke leaped from the trees and sent a fireball the size of an elephant in Orochimaru. But just as the heat of the flames barely licked the snake, he quite literally slithered out of danger.

"My my, isn't this entertaining. Please keep this up, my prey." He let out a throaty chuckle as he summoned a massive snake. "Or maybe I shall cut this short and kill you both?"

The genin froze at the sight of the creature. It was larger than anything they’ve seen, even in comparison to what Deidara produces regularly.

Speaking of Deidara, Sasuke glanced at Sakura and he gulped. Their bird was missing.

Suddenly a flash of orange appeared, punching the snake's snout with inhuman strength.

"Sorry about that guys, I was too busy cleaning snake guts off of my family photo, dattebayo!" Naruto stood on a tree branch smiling like an idiot while dangling his necklace in a show-off way. The fox is growling on his shoulder, stiff fur puffed out in aggression, staring at Orochimaru.

Orochimaru blinked a few times, his brain calibrating what just happened, and tried to recover from the minuscule shock. "I see… you killed my other summon. You're quite good." His tongue shot out like a chameleon and wrapped itself around Naruto's torso and arms, lifting the boy in the air.

Naruto's eyes shined red as he struggled to get away, red chakra seeping out from his body. The fox on Naruto’s shoulder jumped to protect its master, but was swatted away effortlessly by Orochimaru. With both hands free, he summoned another snake to keep the blond’s teammates preoccupied.

"Let go of me, you bastard, dattebayo!" Naruto kicked and flailed but he was nowhere near close enough to hit his intended target.

Without care, Orochimaru easily lifted up the boy's shirt, jacket, and all to reveal Minato's seal. "How lucky. Not only have I encountered one of the last Sharingan users but the Kyuubi host as well. You'll be quite the pain if I let you have that chakra..." He weaved some hand signs and slammed his fingers against Naruto's stomach. "Five pronged seal!"

Naruto gasped, his eyes rolling to the back of his head as pain shot throughout his body and settling at the base of his stomach. By the time Sasuke and Sakura had killed the summoned snake, Naruto was already unconscious.

Orochimaru carelessly threwNaruto to the side and Sakura was quick to catch him. Laying her teammate down, the Chirithy was quick to do First Aid on Naruto; using medical supplies it carried in its little pouch tied around its neck.

Sasuke stared at Naruto's unconscious body, his rival, his best friend, hurt because he was too slow to take down an enemy. He wanted to pull out his clay and forget this ever happened, to grab his teammates and flee the area, to throw the non-existing bird and have Deidara obliterate this monster- No.

He would do it himself.

"Kukukuku… It appears you have your Sharingan activated, young Uchiha."

Sasuke didn't even realize how clear the world in front of him was until the man had made that comment.

He crouched down and leaped toward Orochimaru.

~^~^~^~^~

Sakura and Sasuke looked at the supposed dead body tied to the tree. "Is… he dead…?" Sakura's voice was barely a whisper, as if afraid the man would come back to life.

The laughter from the tree was all they needed to confirm the status of Orochimaru.

Orochimaru, without effort, broke free of the wires and used a paralyzation jutsu. The genin fell to their knees, unable to break free from the invisible bonds. "I see, you are a true Uchiha. You are definitely his brother... if anything your eyes are even keener than Itachi's… so full of delicious hatred and potential power… yes, you'll do nicely."

"Who the hell are you and what do you want, you bastard?!" Sasuke struggled with breaking free from the jutsu but he couldn't move. Sakura was immobile by Naruto, staring at the whole scene in fear.

"My name is Orochimaru, and as for what I want, well… that's for a later visit." Weaving hand signs, the snake-man's neck elongated towards Sasuke, fangs poised to bite.

Only… he didn't bite Sasuke. No, his fangs collided with soft earthy clay, an angry squeak came from Sasuke's neck, and the clay weasel sprang to life. It leaped off its human's neck and exploded, causing damage to not only Orochimaru but to Sasuke, who was sent flying backwards, unconscious from the sudden pain.

Jutsu broken, Sakura pulled out a kunai and was preparing another jutsu, pooling her chakra.

Before Orochimaru could try for round two, a series of exploding frogs fell from the sky as a large, clay bird made a nosedive to the ground.

"Get away from my kids, hm!" Deidara landed by Sakura and Naruto, picking them up and taking them to Sasuke. All the while shouting out "Katsu" over and over again, chasing Orochimaru away.

Shaking with anger, the bomber quickly tended to Sasuke's wounds by using healing salves and other ointments, "He won't have scars, but these will hurt like a bitch until he gets to a healer, hm."

Sakura dropped to her knees, letting tears roll down her face, "You knew…? That's why you gave him the weasel…?"

"... I knew this man wanted an Uchiha, and I know how he can control people… it was a precaution, hm." Deidara gave Sakura an odd smile. It felt forced to Sakura, like he was hiding something. "I'm proud of you Sakura. You did well in that fight."

Sakura threw herself onto the teen, sobbing loudly into his shoulder, babbling incoherent sentences about Naruto and Sasuke being hurt.

"Oh, baby girl…" Deidara held Sakura, humming quietly and rubbing circles on her back. "Shhh… I'll help you learn medical ninjutsu after this is over, okay, hm? No more tears." He put her at arm’s length and wiped away her tears. "Find someplace to hide. Set traps, preserve your chakra. Kimimaro's team will run into you, hm."

Placing a kiss on her forehead and giving the boys loving looks, Deidara returned to his clay bird and took off back into the sky.

_Day 2_

Sakura was exhausted.

She tried to stay up the whole night to watch over the boys, guard them with every ounce of strength in her body. However, after being nudged to the ground by both her Chirithy and the fox, she allowed sleep to take over her as the two creatures guarded the trio. It should be safe, Sakura and Naruto still had chakra.

She only got a few hours of sleep before she needed to check on the boys and apply the salve Deidara left for Sasuke. He would twitch and hiss in pain, but otherwise remaining motionless as he slept away the burns. They weren’t as red as they were last night, still horrifically bright, but the roughness of his skin was vanishing every time Sakura added a new layer.

Naruto hadn't moved once since the fight, and what worried Sakura was that his wounds weren't healing. He wasn't beaten too badly though, most of the damage was from before the fight.

'Please wake up soon…' Sakura got up to stretch before making sure her traps were okay. Satisfied, she looked down at her Chirithy, "Can you find Kimimaro-san?" the Dream Eater nodded then leaped away.

A laugh from the other end of the clearing made the pinkett turn on her heel, kunai at the ready.

"Well well well, we were hoping to catch you asleep, but I guess this will do." The three Oto shinobi leapt from their hiding spot and stood before her.

Sakura got into a defensive stance, "I suggest you leave."

Kin rested a hand on her hip, making Sakura’s eye twitch. "Oh? Little miss high and mighty got an attitude even though she looks like she's gonna pass out? Please."

Dosu tilted his head slightly. If he didn’t have those bandages covering his face, Sakura was certain she would have seen a smile. "We only want Sasuke. Wake him up and we'll let you and the blond live."

"This is for Orochimaru, isn't it?" Sakura asked with a sharp bite to her voice. No answer, but their tense shoulders said otherwise, "Then no way in hell. Earth style: Flying Thrown Stone!" Sakura slammed her hands on the ground and large boulders were sent in the direction of the Oto shinobi.

"How the hell does this bitch know elemental jutsu already?!" Zaku shouted and tried dodging, but every time he stopped, another rock would be aimed at his head.

"I had a good teacher!" Sakura replied with a smirk but lost sight of Dosu. The boy appeared by her, she had to leap away before the sound from his arm could damage her ears. But even then, the sound left her disoriented, enough for Kin to jump behind her.

The kunoichi reached out, her hand buried in the pinkett's hair. That’s all it would take, right? Grab the girl’s hair and she’ll be helpless to their whim. So, Kin grabbed Sakura’s hair.

Big mistake.

Pain ran through Kin’s hand as a dozen small, sharp objects stabbed into and through her hand. She yelped in pain, pulling away only to find many small, pink senbon stabbed into her palm, the pink threads still attached to the loops. "What the hell?!" She pulled her hand again, the senbons tore into her skin but she had no choice. Had Kin been a second slower and Sakura’s kunai would have cut off a finger rather than cut the threads.

"Deidara-sensei said that I need to make my hair not be a target, so…" Sakura slowly shook her head, audible clinking could be heard from the top of her head. Connected to her headband with fine wire, were pink senbons so thin and so tiny, that they matched Sakura's naturally glossy hair. "I gave myself some protection. It took me hours to painstakingly attach each wire to my headband."

Kin froze her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. "How do they not poke your eyes out?!"

Sakura shrugged, "My hair is thick enough and tied back?"

While the girls were distracted, Dosu was heading towards the boys, the little clay fox was growling, smoke protruding from its ears as it was prepared to do its job.

"Heh… runt." Dosu prepared a soundwave when he felt movement behind him.

"Take one more step towards my otouto… and I will give you a slow death."

Dosu stiffened and he looked over his shoulder. He was met with acid green eyes promising an agonizing death. According to the intel provided to his team… Dosu knew that those eyes were anything _but_ promise breakers.

Kimimaro had made a break for the area as soon as Sakura's Chirithy pointed in the direction of the team. Sakon kept close, but knew better than to get involved, lest he be the one that gets stabbed by a bone.

Needless to say, Kimimaro wasn't a happy camper finding his precious baby brother and his teammates -who were also like little siblings to Kimimaro- in danger, with two-thirds of the team unconscious.

Zaku tried to attack Kimimaro from behind, but Sakon was quicker, punching the guy’s face. Sakon sighed and wiggled his finger in a "tsk tsk tsk" motion. "Bad idea buddy. Trust me, you do _not_ want to get in between Kimi and his brother… Like what your friend is doing right now."

Dosu got the hint and quickly scrambled away from Kimimaro. Noticing that had he responded a second too late, the clay dragon on the Kaguya's shoulder would have ripped his head off.

Sasuke opened his eyes, chakra infused smoke exiting his nose as he let out a frustrated inhale. He was in the middle of a wonderful dream, painter’s worthy, in his humble opinion. Not only was he always grumpy when first waking up, but he wasn’t pleased with all of the noise in the area that dared to pull him from such a perfect dream.

Sasuke tilted his head, wincing at the pain his jawline and neck were producing. Activating his Sharingan in annoyance he frowned seeing Zaku turning his attention to Sakura as Dosu kept Team Anko busy.

He slowly got up from his spot and placed a hand on his neck, feeling the tender skin and thick layer of salve. 'That weasel was meant to…' His thoughts were cut short, as his Sharingan -in perfect clarity- just gave Sasuke a slow-motion captured image of Zaku’s fist driving into Sakura’s stomach, lifting the girl into the air momentarily.

One moment, Sasuke was sitting there dumbfounded at just how _idiotic_ these Oto shinobi were. The next… he was on his feet, a foot on the boy’s neck, and a tight grip on Zaku’s arms. Even with the family doujutsu, Sasuke lost track of when he had actually moved. "I wonder if I should be merciful to you or not. Will you apologize to her?"

Zaku snorted, "Ya think I'm some kind of pansy? No way! Not my fault she used up all her chakra."

"You asked for it then." Sasuke raised his leg and, with a well-timed kick, Zaku's arm snapped with a sickening _crack_.

The forest went silent only for a moment before Zaku's screams filled the air.

The Uchiha glared at Kin and she quickly backed off from Sakura, slowly trying to remove the needles from her hand. Dosu took a step forward towards Sasuke… but then Kimimaro turned into a human porcupine. The white-haired boy’s eyes demanded, no, begged Dosu to _please_ … please continue to be stupid. It would bring him nothing but joy to present his Nii-sama with human swiss cheese. 

Dosu rose his arms in an “I surrender” pose, slowly lowering himself to the ground and laid his scroll. . "We'll leave this with you." The Oto team quickly leave the area to save their own skin.

When Kimimaro was certain that the team left, he retracted his bones and knelt by Naruto to examine his brother. He smiled, pleased to find that Naruto was still breathing.

Sakura had the group sit in a loosely formed circle and explained everything, not leaving a single detail. Midway through her tale of why Sasuke now looked like an overcooked duck, Naruto had awoken, more dazed than alert. Kimimaro pulled his brother into his lap, tucking Naruto close to his chest and only allowed the clay fox to snuggle into the cuddle pile. Besides the occasional questions- “What was Orochimaru’s main jutsu?” all was silent until Sakura gestured that she was finished.

Sasuke rubbed his burnt neck gingerly, "Who knows what would have happened if that guy bit me…"

"I think Deidara-sensei knew, that's why he gave you that weasel."

'It's not just that…' Sasuke's eyes glazed over as he flashbacked to the day he and Deidara went to the graveyard. He blinked then looked at their scrolls, "We have both scrolls. We should head to the tower."

"We're going with you." Kimimaro quickly pulled Naruto to his feet, keeping an arm on him to keep the boy steady. Sakon sighed, knowing that there is no arguing with Kimi, he's the leader and there was no point in competing for the leading role.

Sakura and Sasuke exchanged looks, but considering there was nothing to lose traveling with Team Anko, they agreed.

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

After watching over the chibis all night, I allowed my muscles to relax. Anko had gotten my attention during the night and she went to confront Orochimaru, but I had to keep an eye on the team. She’s fine, thankfully, but I could not wait to chase him out of my village.

Once Kimimaro had chased away the Oto genin, I laid down on my bird to sleep. My clones could deal with the other teams while I rested.

_Day 3_

I only had one bird be shot into the air today, which was surprising. I guess teams either want to save them up or they were used on day one. Rather amusing when I had full grown adults giving up within a matter of hours, only for them to learn that not only am I a jounin at 16, but I have been training in that forest since I was 12.

Total. Ego. Killer.

I leapt off my bird and looked at the Amegakure team before me. It wasn't the team Gaara kills or the guys in the yellow suits, but this team did wear the air masks. I tilted my head expecting them to climb on the bird, or at least say something. They wanted to give up, right?

Based on the senbon embedded in my left arm, I’m guessing not.

"What is with you adults and not listening to me, hm?" I groaned in annoyance as my arm went limp. No, the senbon wasn’t poisoned, but it hit a pressure point. I easily dodge several more senbons aimed at me with two more piercing my left hand.

"We know how your jutsu works, you can't kill us," The leader, I presume, laughed and his teammates joined in. He tapped on his mask, his eyes crinkling up like he was grinning, "not with our air masks on."

… Ohhh! Wow, these guys are idiots. I pulled out a pre-made C4, which adorably enough was a chibi Pein for my personal amusement.

"They don't teach you guys about cellular size in Amegakure, do they?" The laughter stopped, a thick tension building up into the air while the chibi Pein dissolved.

"Don't mock us!" One of the Ame shinobi began to weave hand signs for a water jutsu, but he was only on the third hand sign when his right arm broke apart. His screams hit like a bucket of ice, and blood pooling on the forest floor.

I still haven’t learned how to stop the bleeding, unfortunately.

"I'm not mocking you, I'm informing you that my jutsu attacks at the cellular level. As long as you have microscopic openings in your body, like your eyes, ears, and pores, C4 will get to you, hm."

The team backed away, realizing their mistake. This is why I had them sign the waiver.

Their bodies won't return home.

"I warned you about what would happen if you attacked me. I said I will kill you and your teammates. So, I guess I told you so, hm!" I happily smiled and made a single hand sign. Their hearts skipped a beat." Katsu~"

I picked up their scroll, headbands, and left on my bird humming. 

At the very least, Amegakure will get the headbands back. It’s a shame to waste metal.

_Day 4_

My clone waved me over to something that made my shoulders slump.

'Oh hell no.'

Zooming onto the scene with my scope, I watched Karin being bitten by her jackass teammates. The anime never specifies when this particular scene happened, but I guess it was today, and Sasuke was just a few minutes away.

Her teammates shoved the scroll into her hands, ordering her to hide. Right, tell the twiggy, cherry-redhead Uzumaki to hide in a forest of greens and browns. Idiots.

Memories of my past life flooded into my mind and I crossed my arms over my chest, contemplating my options. I… have always hated Karin as a character. Her design irritated me, her personality was obnoxious, and her shoehorned, filler, past always felt like it was made so _someone_ would take pity on an otherwise unlikeable girl. How am I supposed to find interest in her now?

Granted, that was the original Karin from Shippuden. This was a Karin I could mold to be what I want her to become: a strong female woman who… doesn't fangirl over Sasuke. Frankly, if I can break Sakura's fangirl habits, then I can squash Karin's, set it on fire, and toss it off a cliff.

That would be a nice thing. Prevent the creation of Karin, the girl who stood on the sidelines while the men fought. The girl who would beat up Suigetsu because he got in her way. Instead, I may have a chance of creating Karin, a girl who could _choose_ who and what she wanted to be. My inner monologue was broken when something caught my attention. A nerve was struck and a growl escaped my throat. Her teammates were the worst. They trusted her with the scroll and told her to hide. She is their healer, their holder of their scroll, and the only female in their team.

But they took the damn bird.

Just as anger began to sweep over me, Karin looked up at my bird, and then the bear attacked. I watched as Karin tripped while running away and her glasses went flying off her nose. I subconsciously put my hand on my nose in sympathy. I used to own glasses and this scene happened often in my past life. I could only pray her glasses didn’t break.

I was about to break my own rules and head down there to get rid of the bear when Sasuke arrived and kick the bear's head, knocking it flat to the ground. Karin scrambled to put on her glasses, her eyes shining with awe at the boy standing on top of the massive creature.

Oh boy, gotta work fast…

Sasuke says something to her before leaping away on the trees. Just as both Karin and I began to relax the bear woke up again. Sasuke didn't hit it as hard as I thought he did.

With a sigh, I calmly dropped some C1's on the beasts and… well… bear guts everywhere.

"Sorry about that, hm." I leapt off my bird and landed in front of the redheaded child, she stared at me for several seconds, before something sparked in her eyes. When she opened her mouth to speak, I raised my hand, "If it's about my chakra, I have heard it's weird, hm." Based on how fast she closed her mouth, it _was_ about my chakra.

I turned my head to the direction Sasuke left, "You’ve met Duck-kun, I see."

"...Duck-kun…?" I had to admit that Karin had a rather adorably soft voice for someone her age.

"Sorry, I mean Sasuke. Uchiha Sasuke. He and several other genins in this exam were my students before they became genin. It’s… hard not being bias towards them admittedly, hm.”" Karin nods in understanding, but I could tell she is confused as to why I am here. She was glancing between me, my bird, and the space behind me, as if waiting for her teammates to suddenly appear. "Your teammates are jackasses, you know that? You're their healer and the one with the scroll yet they took the bird."

"I…” Her large eyes widen even farther than I thought possible. She swallowed thickly, then looked down at her feet. I'm an outsider in the village… my mother was the healer but she died and… now I'm…" She stares at her sleeved arms.

"Honey, do I look like I give a shit about you being an outsider?" I don't even give her time to answer my rhetorical question. "I'm a former rogue shinobi from Iwagakure and now I'm a jounin, in charge of the Chunin Exams, with the Hokage wrapped around my finger. If you ask me, you should ditch Kusagakure and live in Konoha, hm." 

Her mouth dropped open, head lifted up so she could stare at my half-covered face. People never seem prepared to hear my blunt responses. I don't sugar coat things and if I did, I would own a bakery.

"B… But I can't! They took us in! My mother and I would have died without them!"

"And where is your mother then, hm?” I asked sharply and her mouth closed with a _click_. I felt my face soften. “May I see your arms?”

Karin hesitated, probably was never asked for her consent before. Biting her lower lip she rolled up her sleeves and presented her arms to me. I looked at her in the eyes, waiting for her permission. She never gave it.

“May I touch your arms, hm?”

She blinked dumbly, then nodded slowly, without rhythm.

I took her arms and turned them over, examining the marks. I made extra care to keep my palm mouths closed, not wanting to accidentally bite the delicate skin.

The scars were uglier in person. The anime just makes them look flat, but here I could see and feel the rise and fall of the scars from various human jaws connecting with her arms to absorb her chakra. Young jaws, old jaws, a few had gaps from to the shape of the person's teeth. Many of the marks had overlapped to them, and I could point out how fresh the wounds were; many were still red or purple from age. Karin was a walking dental record for the people of Kusagakure.

It was disgusting and wrong.

"That decided that then." I released her arms and began to mold clay. “Don’t move, hm.” I don’t really know why I’m doing this. I didn’t even _like_ her in my past life and would have sooner seen her dead. I just… those marks… She’s so young and she was so much like Hinata and Sakura. If my girls were in her shoes I’d-

...

If anyone asks about her, I’m 100% going to say it was to spite Orochimaru again.

Finished with the sculpture, I presented it to her.

It was a rosebud.

“It won’t explode, I promise, hm.” I raised a hand, feeling her heart rate increase -a fast thing, like a hummingbird’s- and motioned her to turn around. “May I put this in your hair?”

“Why are you… asking for my permission?” She asked, her voice dropping in volume.

“Because you seem like someone who has spent her whole life not being asked for her consent. Now, if you’re fine with it, turn around so I can put your hair up, hm.” 

She turned, and I quickly gathered up her thick, Uzumaki-red hair and began to skillfully undo her knots. Her teammates were far away, and their heartbeats weren’t getting any closer any time soon. I twisted her hair and put it up into a bun. Carefully, I threaded one of my spare ribbons into the bun, keeping it still then attaching the rosebud to the ribbon. I’ll admit it: I took inspiration from Konan.

“This, Karin, is an offer, hm.”

"An… offer?" She repeated back in confusion, her small hand touching the bun cautiously.

“I have… a unique position here in Konoha. The Hokage has… pretty much allowed me to bring anyone into this village that I want as long as I don’t cause a war, hm.” Finding the right words was difficult. “You want to stay in Kusa because you feel like you owe them a debt. But, Karin, a debt is worthless if you unwillingly die to repay it, hm.”

She bites her lip again. They’re chapped, brutishly so. I offer her my canteen and she takes it without a question.

“The minute you want to come to Konoha, stab that flower and I will get you. If you are attacked and need someone on your side, I will go to you. But, if you decide that you don’t want me to ever go near you, then bury the flower. Bury it, burn it, throw it into a lake. I will never know the difference, hm.” I take a step back, giving the girl her space. “The choice is yours though.”

Karin paused then slowly nodded, her hand still touching the rosebud.

I give her my charming big brother smile that for some reason, kids just love, "You look cute with your hair up, hm." Her face quickly matched her hair in hue and I quickly jumped on my bird and took off.

I hope that, if she decides to come to Konoha, I’ll see her in a better light… Like I do with Sasuke.

Her team gave up that evening though. I picked them up and tried to withhold comments as they tried to point the blame onto her. But I couldn’t, I just couldn’t

“If you’re blaming your healer because you two couldn’t fight your opponents then maybe you shouldn’t be shinobi, hm. Grow the fuck up, I’m around kids more mature than your sorry asses, hm.”

I think I have a new admirer, and it's a certain redhead… joy.

_Day 5_

Once I was able to confirm that there were no more teams to collect, I headed towards the tower to stand with all of the jounin sensei. Anko couldn't make it so I was the moral support for her team.

I'm not complaining, I get to watch everyone fight.

I zoned out as Hiruzen and Hayate explained the Chunin Exams, how kids have to fight together to gauge their strengths and keep the peace and blah, blah, Hunger Game-like reasons, blah.

What confused me and made me a little anxious was Kabuto’s decision to stay. Team 7 and Team Anko both made it to the tower on the fourth day, not long after Sasuke had saved Karin. So Kabuto never encountered the Ame team...

I eyed Orochimaru, 'What are these guys planning…?'

There are four extra people now, so some matches will have to be different. Meaning I may enter these battles blind.

Hayate raised an arm to point at the screen as it jumbles names. Knowing my luck, it's going to be that Kami-awful battle between Sasuke and Yoroi, and without the curse hickey, Sasuke will win without any issues and- Holy shit…

Didn’t expect that.

"The first match is…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The segment with Karin went under heavy revision compared to the original. I still hate her character and probably would have cheered at her untimely death, but I felt like the original version was a bit more... I dunno, mean-spirited? So, I changed it up to where you could tell Deidara still didn't like her, but also understood she was just a scared kid who lived without a single choice being made by her.
> 
> In the language of flowers (according to google), rosebuds mean beauty, youth, and a heart innocent of love and since Deidara uses white clay, it's a white rosebud. This signifies girlhood and a heart that is too young to fall in love. Every flower in this story was picked based on their symbolism. Every. single. flower.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for some fighting!

You know, the Universe can be an ungrateful ass sometimes. You save some lives from horrific fights that lead to their deaths, only for the Universe to go "HA! You think you stopped a fight? Pfffff here ya go!"

"The first match is... Sakon vs Kankuro!"

Needless to say, I busted out in laughter.

Everyone that wasn't Kakashi, Guy, Hiruzen, or one of my chibis just stared at me like I had gone insane… except for Orochimaru, who looked intrigued by my reaction. I was laughing so hard I had to lean against Kakashi so I wouldn't collapse.

I've tried so hard to keep Ukon and Sakon from fighting against Kankuro, and now one of the twins is fighting him!

I finished my laughter with a sigh, patting Kakashi’s shoulder in thanks. While the room was preoccupied, I spotted the twins separating, but no one else seemed to have noticed besides Kimimaro.

Hayate coughed, eyeing me with concern. "Would the two participants remain down here, the rest go up the stairs?" He pointed at the two sets of stairs with another cough. We all headed to the balcony and I planted myself between my brothers. They were tense, a quick pulse of chakra told me enough about their tense muscles- among other things, everyone but Orochimaru was on pins and needles. I reached out and ran my hands through their hair to soothe their minds.

"Give up now if you're not willing to die, kid," Kankuro smirked as he sized up Sakon. I always hated this cocky little squirt.

Sakon tilted his head, his face blank. Slowly, he lifted his hand and waved it over his face in a sweeping motion. "Nice make-up. Did the monkey that put it on your face have a seizure halfway through?"

I’m now tasting blood from biting my fist to hold in my laughter. Kimimaro gave me a look since that hand was originally touching his hair.

"It's war paint!" Kankuro shouted defensively. He tried to attach his chakra threads onto Sakon, but the boy dodged and stuck to the wall on the opposite side of Kankuro.

"Oh! So that's what the losing side wears! Thanks for the advice, I'll make sure my brother and I avoid it."

Ukon snorted from behind me, "Sakon, enough taunting and end the match already!"

"With pleasure, brother." Sakon jumped to Kankuro, throwing a punch at his throat. It landed its target but… the impact sounded more wooden than fleshy.

"Called it, hm." I received weird looks from everyone but Kakashi and Gai, but their attention was quickly diverted when Kankuro’s face chipped away. Sakura and Ino made noises of disgust, which became more vocal when Crow’s face was revealed.

Crow attempted to grab Sakon, but the boy weaved around the arms. He ducked away from the last set and ran towards Kankuro, who was removing his person from the cloth wraps.

I may have told the twins how to dodge puppets. Specifically, multi-armed ones that liked hugs.

A painfully wide grin formed on my face as Sakon lifted his leg to a beautiful 150 degree, slamming it down on Kankuro's right forearm. The snap was audible before the screaming.

My chibis like to break things with overdramatic kicks, don't know why.

Hayate observed the match, seeing Crow fall to the ground limply. He coughed into his fist then spoke, "Sakon is the winner."

Temari quickly retrieved her brother and puppet as Sakon returned to us, high-fiving Ukon. I would say I'm surprised that he won, but Sakon trains with Neji and Kimimaro. Kankuro only had one puppet. Losing wasn’t possible in this scenario.

My attention focused on the screen as names jumble again. I wonder how this one will go.

"Ukon vs Uchiha Sasuke."

… So much for a dramatic battle. 

I heard Ukon groan and Sakon facepalming. Everyone within our inner social circle could write a poem about what was going to happen. A poem that was short, pathetic, and sad. The hair on the back of my neck stood up when I felt Orochimaru’s excitement surging and his eyes trained on Sasuke.

… It's Orochimaru, take that into any context you want.

“Deidara-sensei? I’ll be back in a minute,” Sakura whispered to me and retreated away. I felt Ino following her, though she hesitated because… well… _Sasuke_.

Sasuke and Ukon stood in front of each other on the battlefield. I rested my arms on the metal guard rails, prepared to take a nap if I have to.

"Begin."

No one moved and Sasuke spoke, "On a scale of one to ten, how likely can you beat me?"

"Without Sakon? Zero."

"Hn…" Sasuke folded his arms across his chest. A few shinobi unfamiliar with Sasuke -Kurenai, Asuma, anyone connected with Orochimaru- gave varying degrees of sputtering and incoherent noises. I mean… Sasuke is standing in a vulnerable position.

"So do you really want to fight me?" Sasuke asked. There was a quick pause as Ukon began weighing his options. The boy was literally weighing invisible thought bubbles in his hands.

Ukon shook his head, "Nope, I'm gonna help my brother for the second round! I give up!" With that, the older twin walked up the wall and back to his brother.

I heard a collection of facepalms, but I was focused on Orochimaru and snapping pictures from my scope.

He looked like a kid whose parents gave them a cellphone box for Christmas, only for it to be full of underwear. Pure disappointment. 'That's a keeper!' I thought to myself with child-like glee.

Sasuke returned to us and messed with his clay. He didn’t care that the room’s mood had dropped, that he disappointed at least half a dozen people. All he cared about was that his sculpture had an air bubble. I leaned towards him to fix the bubble without ruining the overall shape.

I looked at Naruto, he didn't seem to mind, as it meant he got to fight sooner. In fact, when I motioned my head towards Sasuke, he just shrugged. His posture had relaxed and the only movement he had was the light tapping of his foot.

"The next match, Yamanaka Ino vs Haruno Sakura." My head turned towards the girls. Sakura and Ino were frozen at the base of the stairs, having just returned from the restroom. They made their way to the arena and neither one broke eye contact.

Ino’s nail on a chalkboard voice erupted from her mouth. "Better give up now, Forehead!"

"Kick her ass, hm," I muttered under my breath and snapped my fingers. Her Chirithy bounced off Sakura’s head and returned to me, much to Ino’s confusion. Taking the Chirithy, Naruto’s fox, and Kimimaro’s dragon, I turned them into miniature sculptures and pocketed them. They served their purpose and I doubt I’ll need to use them again.

… Hopefully.

The two girls stood against each other, but instead of fighting, they just started talking. It's probably better this way. Sakura would flatten Ino in a heartbeat.

Ino gave Sakura a confident smirk, "Don't get so full of yourself, your forehead can't take much more of your ego." I once again found myself slumped against the guardrail. _This_ is why I refused to train Ino, she can't get rid of her inflated ego to save her life.

Sakura sighed and placed her hands on her hips, slowly shaking her bowed head, "Ino… would you please stop taunting me with words? It'll only make me feel less bad when I win."

Ino growled and pointed at Sakura. "Just because you're teammates with Sasuke-kun, doesn't mean you have a better chance!"

I tend to forget that I was reborn in a battle shonen until stuff like this happens. 

"I stopped chasing Sasuke-kun after I was beaten to a pulp for letting my crush get in the way of my training," Sakura said. As if to prove her point, she gently tucked her short hair behind her ear, mindful of the senbons.

Ino snorted Wow she really is a pig. "HA! Give me three good reasons why _you_ of all people would give up on Sasuke-kun? You even cut your hair!"

Sakura counted on her fingers. "Well, 1. I have a goal to become a medical kunoichi. 2. Sasuke-kun is just not worth it. And 3. Deidara-sensei won't let me date until I'm 16." 

Good girl.

"Deidara-sensei this, Deidara-sensei that. Why is he allowed to have his hair long then?" Ooooohhh I think Ino is going to cut her hair and it's gonna be all my fault. Yes!

"Because if a shinobi can fight with long hair and not have it be grabbed, then it is okay.Ino, at your skill level… If I'm able to grab your ponytail, you'll lose." Sakura tilted her head to the side as Ino's face turned red with rage. "Face it, Ino, you focused too much on your appearance. I've been training since before I was a genin. Every bruise, every scrape I came to class with were proof of my training."

The blond girl grabbed her ponytail and pulled out a kunai. I leaned forward interested in how she was going to cut it- oh dear, she went right at it. The cut wasn’t clean. It was jagged, some strands still stuck, and her ponytail was the only thing keeping it from being an uneven mess. I winced, pulling some of my honey locks to my face and examined the strands. I need to trim mine, it’s starting to reach my butt and that’s a _bit_ too long for my taste. 

"See?! I DON'T NEED THIS TO BEAT YOU!" Ino dramatically threw her hair at Sakura. Oh dear, it's that part of the fight.

Just as Sakura tried to throw a kunai, the chakra in Ino's hair wrapped around her ankles, leaving her immobile. Ino smirked and used her mind transfer jutsu which hit Sakura with cheated accuracy. Ino collapsed on the ground and Sakura’s face twisted into an Un-Sakura-like level of cockiness.

"Sorry Sakura, guess I win." 

Hearing Ino’s voice coming out of Sakura’s mouth was… disturbing. A chill ran up my spine. Beside me, Kakashi gave Naruto the Exposition-no-Jutsu which made me roll my eyes. My brother should know about this stuff.

“What?! Won’t Sakura-chan lose then?!” Naruto yelled. He turned to the arena. “Sakura-chan! Don’t give up to that Ino girl, dattebayo!”

“It’s fine, Naruto,” I said calmly to my brother, my voice echoing the almost silent room. Ino was raising Sakura’s arm, but the movement halted with a sudden jerk. “Remember? I trained her personally. She’s my protégé, my student- no offence Kakashi, hm.”

“But…” Naruto looked at me with an unsure look.

“Think of it this way: If she loses this fight…” I eyed the pink-haired girl struggling to lift her arm. I folded mine over my chest, staring at her apathetically. My mouth curled into a disgusted sneer. “Then she was a waste of my time… and I see no point in keeping a student that wastes my time, hm…”

The room remained still for a solid minute before Hayate spoke up with a cough. “Did you plan on giving up-?” He stopped. Sakura’s body collapsed to the ground, her hands clutching her head, senbons making their home into her flesh.

"What… Sakura… how…?" Sakura's body flinched as an inner turmoil rolled through her. Soon, Ino's body regained consciousness and Sakura was in control of her body once again.

"Sorry, Deidara-sensei! Won't happen again!" Sakura waves to me frantically, plucking senbons from her bleeding hand and weaving hand signs.

"That's my girl, hm." I hummed softly, smiling at the girl with pride swelling in my chest.

Sakura began using earth jutsu after earth jutsu. Ino was basically being juggled in the air, yelling in pain as Sakura mercilessly beat down her former friend. It was almost unfair from where I was standing.

“Aren’t some of those jutsu… jonin level?” I heard Kurenai murmur to Kakashi. “When did you teach her that?”

“I didn’t.” I'm being pointed at.

“Kakashi, I don’t appreciate being pointed at, hm.”

Kakashi’s finger quickly retreated.

Sakura only stopped when Ino was too weak to get back up.

Ino looked at Sakura wide-eyed and breathless, "How… How are you so strong?"

Sakura knelt by Ino and gently brushed some hair from the blonde's face, smiling softly, "I gave up on what ruined our friendship." She helped Ino back to the teams. Sakura returned to her team while Ino rested against the wall, staring at her former friend with hazy eyes.

Hopefully, those two can become friends again. I’m staying out of it though.

Now it was time for the fourth match. Maybe it's because of how the Japanese view the number four, but I think someone is going to die in this round.

"Aburame Shino vs Misumi." Well then.

Naruto whined next to me, as he wanted to fight. I'm grateful he's not, especially against Shino of all people.

Shino stared at his opponent… Oh! The rubber man! That's his name?! Doesn't he die when fighting Kankuro?

"Unless you wish to die… I suggest you give up now," Shino said in a low voice, his movements minimal at best. Why does everyone have to either make threats or give out warnings?

Misumi scoffed and charged at Shino, apparently choosing to ignore the quiet kid’s very accurate warning. Once he was close enough to Shino, he wrapped his body around the boy in an attempt to choke him.

Hm… commentary time!

"Hey, Misumi! Are you sure you're a Konoha shinobi? You seemed to have forgotten what the Aburame clan's jutsu is, hm!"

That seemed to have triggered the next chain of events.

Within seconds, hundreds of kikaichu crawl around the man. Mitsumi flung himself off of Shino, screaming. The insects quickly did their task, sucking up Mitsumi’s chakra in a joyous feast for their short ages. It was like a hive instinct, once they had their fill, they would return to Shino and at least a dozen more took their place.

I gagged, running off to the bathroom to empty my stomach. I sensed Kimimaro behind me, my hair being pulled back as the image replayed in my head over and over again. I could… handle gore, violence, needles, and wounds. But bugs, tick-like bugs sucking the life-force out of someone… ugh. I think I carried that one phobia with me into this life. 

By the time Kimimaro and I had returned, Misumi was being taken away by medical shinobi. I didn’t sense a heartbeat from the man.

I knew the fourth round would kill someone!

I sat down, pressing my face against the bars exhausted as the screen went back to jumbling names. Oh, this fight should be interesting...

"Hyuuga Hinata vs Abumi Zaku."

Honestly, I'm glad she's not fighting Neji. There wouldn't be anything to gain from it. Neji and Hinata are practically siblings with how close they are now. I smiled slightly when he wished his cousin good luck.

"YOU CAN DO IT HINATA, DATTEBAYO!" Me and several others winced at Naruto’s sudden loudness. I think she appreciates the support sweetie but is the yelling necessary?

Hayate started the match, but Zaku decided to be a little bitch… because every match needed to have one, apparently.

"Don't expect me to go easy on you because you're a girl-" Oh hell no, he did not just try to make a sexist comment on _my_ cinnamon roll!

"Kick his ass please, Hinata-chan, hm."

Zaku gave me an aggravated look and he had to quickly dodge Hinata’s gentle fists.

Hinata activated her Byakugan and dropped to a fighting stance, fluidly jabbing her hands and aiming for Zaku’s arms. To the average viewer, Hinata was missing, barely making a poke to his arms. But I knew, Neji knew, all of my genin knew. All she needed to do was give him a few pokes to win.

"What the hell is with these Konoha shinobi?!" Zaku finally got the chance to shoot air from the tube in his arm, but Hinata just focuses chakra into her feet and held her ground. "I thought you guys are genin, but everyone is freakishly strong!"

“I never knew Hinata had it in her,” Kurenai said to Kakashi softly. “She’s always so gentle around Kiba and Shino, even when they spar.”

“Because she was trained to make her opponents underestimate her, hm,” I responded back, casually tilting my head back. “Minus Yamanaka-chan, and Aburame-kun, every squirt we’ve seen fight has been one of _my_ genin.”

“Would you shut the hell up there!” Zaku shouted, cursing in pain as one of Hinata’s hands hit his broken arm from the flat palm. “You’re distracting!”

“Please,” I snorted out. “If I’m a distraction then… well… you lose.”

Zaku growled, he pulled out his broken arm, aiming for Hinata’s face. I could feel his chakra building up more and more until there was a sickening _pop_. His arm, once attached to the rest of his body, landed on the ground in a wet puddle of blood. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and fell.

“See what I mean?” I motioned to Zaku while looking up at Kimimaro, my legs swinging childishly off the ledge. “If you get distracted because people are talking, you’re going to get yourself killed, hm.”

“Yes, Nii-sama,” Kimimaro nodded, his face hardening with concentration. “I shall ignore all distractions when it’s my turn to fight.”

Hinata returned to the group, smiling sheepishly. Naruto and Sakura lept into action, running to the Hyuuga girl and enveloping her in a group hug. Neji stood by the group, patting Hinata on the head with a proud smile.

"You did wonderful Hinata!"

"Yeah! We have to spar again Hinata, dattebayo!"

Hinata blushed and nodded, "Thank you both… I had fun!" She returned the hugs then ran to her teammates, fidgeting with her hands as they congratulated her. I faintly heard Kiba challenging her to a spar later on. Always quick to challenge people, I see.

I was so distracted by Hinata that I nearly missed Hayate calling out the next names.

"Nara Shikamaru vs Tsuchi Kin!"

Well… guess something had to stay the same. I wonder how the fight will go… oh hey! She's still using her genjutsu! I wonder if-

_BONK_

… Yep… just like in the anime. As anticlimactic as before.

No special commentary to add, moving along. Please hurry, the blond next to me has way too much energy.

"Temari vs Tenten."

"You can do it dood!"

My body convulsed, the guard rail nearly breaking from my grip as I whipped my head to the left where team Guy stood. I forgot she still has that _fucking penguin!_

Nothing special about this fight either. Tenten got her ass handed to her by Temari and the Prinny stayed with us, not being much support. To be honest, I was rooting for Temari anyway. I want her to be in the next round… hopefully fighting against Shikamaru.

Rock Lee collected Tenten and set her down by the Prinny, who patted her shoulder in comfort. "There's always next year, don't lose hope dood."

I proceeded to ignore them, waiting to see who fought next.

"Yoroi vs Hyuuga Neji." I turned my attention to Neji, who has been quietly making comments with Kimimaro the entire time. They had their arms touching so they could whisper without much interference. Though, I would also like to think that they just like being close to each other anyway.

Kimimaro gave Neji a gentle smile, patting his shoulder in passing. Neji straightened his back, walking into the arena with the pride of a full-fledged peacock. It was cute if nothing else.

The moment the match began, Neji started his dance. Okay, I know it's just his gentle fist style, but his moments were like a dancer. Each step was like water being led through a gentle creek, a sharp contrast from Yoroi, who just kept trying to grab him. It was like an orc trying to capture an elf; there was an obvious difference in dexterity. 

But I tensed when I noticed a pattern in Yaori’s movements. Over my shoulder, I felt Kimimaro do the same, his nerves twitching and coiling like he was preparing to spring into action. Yoroi wasn’t aiming for Neji’s limbs. On the contrary, he was trying to avoid the Hyuuga’s limbs. No, he was aiming for the one part of Neji’s body that was at the mercy of the air and gravity: his hair.

‘Poor bastard,’ Kimimaro and I seemed to be thinking at the same time, my words crueler than his. ‘You don’t touch the hair.'

Neji, seemingly offended that his beautiful locks were in danger, quickly aimed for the chakra points surrounding Yoroi's heart and took several jabs. There was a brief moment of stillness, where the only thing keeping Yoroi standing was Neji’s thin fingers. Then he fell to the side, his body convulsing, blood coughing out of his mouth… and then didn’t move. 

Yoroi died before the medics could get to him.

Kimimaro and I exchanged looks and sighed in relief. When Neji returned to the pack, Kimi was the first person on him, practically pouncing on the poor boy to check for injuries -there was just a scratch- and making sure Neji wasn’t going to… I dunno. Faint from chakra exhaustion? I did snap a couple of pictures when I noticed Neji’s porcelain face turning a rosy pink. Cute.

"The next match… Kinuta Dosu vs Akimichi Choji."

Well, this wasn’t going to be interesting in the slightest. I left the room to get a soda from the vending machine near the restrooms, settling on a melon flavor and taking several large gulps. Lee, Kiba, and Naruto’s energy was wafting into every crevice of the building and I nearly snorted soda out of my nose when I spotted a clock.

“It’s only been an hour, hm?!” I coughed, quickly retreating to the bathroom to wipe my face, which was now covered in spit and soda. I stepped out of the bathroom and stared at the clock, carefully zooming on the object with my scope to make sure I was reading it right. It had only been an hour and fifteen minutes. 'The anime really did stretch these fights out, huh? Granted it was full of flashbacks and exposition…'

My heart leapt to my throat when I heard Kiba and Naruto howling with excitement. When I returned, they were both jumping for joy and Lee was one moment away from doing a dramatic waterfall of tears. Well… I guess I know who’s fighting who then. 

"Prepare to get your ass kicked, you loser!"

"Who are you calling a loser dog breath, dattebayo?!"

Ladies... ladies, you're both pretty, now go on with the fight.

While the two started beating the ever-living shit out of each other like a couple of children fighting over the last cookie, my mind wandered as my eyes roamed over who was left. 'Kimimaro, Gaara, Lee, and Kabuto… four people, two more matches. I don't like any of the combinations… The best-case scenario is Lee fights Kimimaro and then Gaara kills Kabuto. That would save a bunch of headaches later on with the war. The worst-case scenario-'

_Tooooooooooooot_

I facepalmed. Kiba began yelling in disgust. Right, forgot Naruto technically wins by farting. Naruto gave Kiba his signature clone combo and was promptly declared the winner- oh Kami what did Naruto eat?

When Naruto returned to us, I gave him a kiss on his head., "You did well, Naruto, hm. Smelly as it was."

He gave me a cheeky grin, rubbing his nose. Does he smell it or nah? "Well, I'm gonna be Hokage one day! So this had to be easy dattebayo!" My money is on his nose being incapable of smelling anything that wasn’t ramen.

"Sabaku No Gaara vs Rock Lee."

 _That_ I am not happy stayed the same!

My heart rate increased and I met Guy and Kakashi’s eyes. That was all it took for the two jonin to stand at attention, Guy in particular not blinking. A hand was already in my clay pouch, kneading chakra into the substances while I watched the fight. I didn’t want to… but if Lee’s life was in danger… I have to pick him over Gaara. I have to. 

Sasuke was watching the fight with sharp eyes. Well… glad to know _someone_ is enjoying the fight. 

My eye kept looking at everyone, various expressions on each person's face. My free hand was gripping the bars in front of me with the strength to bend the aged metal. My mouth dried up as I forced myself to watch the match.

Lee dropped his weights… he punched Gaara in the face… he's using primary lotus… Gaara's bloodlust is growing and is on the offensive.

'Stop the match… someone step in!' Neither Lee nor Gaara were under my responsibility. I had no plausible reason to stop this fight, not without making Gaara go ballistic. But the goose in my hand was ready to make the decision for me.

I watch as Gaara's sand wrapped around Lee's arm and leg, his hand clenching into a fist and Lee screaming in pain. I threw the C1.

"GUY!" We were in the arena just as the explosion hit. The sand covering Lee retreated to protect its master. Guy was checking Lee’s vitals while I stood between the duo and Gaara, another bomb in my hand but my eyes pleaded with the redhead to stand down. This wasn’t worth it, Gaara. Stop fighting.

"Why… why would you protect a weakling like him…?" Gaara rasped, his voice laced with confusion and… anger.

"Because… he is my precious student," Guy said with strength. He turned towards his student, only to see Lee trying to stand. Realizing that the boy was unconscious, standing with only the will to fight, he gently wrapped his arms around Lee's frame and cried quietly.

The medics took Lee away and Guy returned to his team. I walked over to Gaara, my mind replayed the only time this body interacted with Gaara in the anime and manga… when Gaara was forced to die for the Akatsuki. And I was willing for it to repeat if Guy hadn’t stepped in when he did.

"Are you injured, Gaara-kun…?” The boy gave me a funny look. That was shared with several people which didn’t surprise me too much., "Stop giving me that look. Did my explosion hurt you, hm?"

"Why… are you even asking that? If this is a trick…"

"You'll kill me? Good luck with that honey, hm." I ruffled his hair, quickly retreating my hand. Temari and Kankuro gasped. Gaara’s sand completely ignored me, treated me like I wasn’t a threat even though I had thrown a bomb at him.

Must be my brotherly and/or motherly aura. That seemed to be a running trend, that or his mother controlling the sand understood I meant no harm.

As I returned up the stairs, Kimimaro went down which caused me to stop mid-step. The last battle…

I turned my head to look at the nearly destroyed area, Kabuto was giving my brother a friendly smile that screamed falsehood. Kimimaro was simply pulling out his bone blade from his shoulders.

By the time I returned to my spot, the two were attacking.

Kimimaro's body gracefully twisted and twirled as he attempted to swipe and jab at Kabuto. The older male used tactical movements and seemed to be waiting for an opening, but whenever there was an opening Kimi would have a bone stick out to stop the attack. Kimimaro knew his body better than anyone else, even me. Kabuto’s fighting style was nothing.

Sneaking a glance at Orochimaru, I could tell he was pleased with what he was seeing.

So far, it looked like Kimimaro was going to win. I allowed my body to relax with a sigh as Kabuto slowly began to be pushed into a corner because he couldn’t show his true strength. I would kill him on the spot if that happened.

And then, Kimimaro coughed up blood.

Suddenly, Kimimaro started to become more… more sloppy. His movements lost their rhythm and his swings slowed down. Kabuto landed a punch to my brother’s side, taking the delayed reactions as an opportunity rather than a hindrance.

“Stop the match…” I muttered, my breathing becoming erratic. I was seeing spots. I looked to Kakashi, to Hiruzen, to Hayate. Yes… Hayate. I screamed, "STOP THE MATCH, HM!"

Hayate coughed, "The rules state-"

"Fuck the rules! Stop the match! _NOW_!" Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and Guy held me back. I struggled, ready to rip off limbs if I had to. Kakashi waved the genin away from me as my foot connected with his stomach."Kimimaro! Stop fighting!" My feet walked, pushing into the stone and dragging the four adults with me as I reached for the rails.

Kimi looked at me for a moment, then returned to Kabuto, "Forgive me," He coughed again. "Nii-sama is distressed. I must end this."

Without warning, Kimimaro allowed multiple bones to stick out of his body, twirling around Kabuto and cutting the man. There was blood with each step Kimi took, but he didn't stop until Kabuto was flat on his back, arms out in surrender while a bone was pressed against his jugular.

Hayate announced the winner and I was released by the jonin. Well, all of them but Kakashi, who had his hand planted firmly on my shoulder. I couldn’t hear anything but my heart, the nerves in my ears screaming, and my breath. My vision closed in on Kabuto as he stood up and gave my brother a disarming smile. There was chakra in his hands… a chakra scalpel.

I was pinning Kabuto to the wall on the opposite end of my brother, the stone caving in and Kabuto’s blood coughed up onto my face and hair. His wrists were held above his head, with my palm mouth clamping down onto the flesh. My other hand was wrapped around his pale neck. His glasses were fogging, I can’t tell if it was from my breath or his, but his eyes were cold. I’m sure my eye was the same.

When did I move…?

Orochimaru was right above us, looking down with that smirk that never wants to leave.

"You finally show your true colors, Deidara…" Kabuto's voice was as smug as ever, keeping his tone low so no one but me can hear.

Bile rose up my throat. I fell right for his trick… he wasn’t going to touch Kimimaro but just wanted to lay out this trap for me. I could kill him. It would be so goddamn _easily_. I’m protected. I wouldn’t be punished.

But my brothers were watching. They wouldn’t understand.

I breathed, releasing his throat but not his wrists. Kimimaro was the center of attention right now, still coughing up blood and mucus. The only ones paying attention right now where the humans are ages 25 and up.

Gently cupping his ear, I leaned in close. It was almost… intimate. Gentle and loving, like I was about to say sweet nothings to this man and no one would so much as bat an eye. "You don't seem to understand something, Kabuto…” I chuckled out his name, keeping my voice soft. He was close to squirming. My palm mouth tore at his wrist. “I may have lost my temper… but you miscalculated on how I do things, hm."

Kabuto's eyes widened, and who could blame him? I was using feminine pronouns, my voice softer compared to the usual bass-baritone voice that usually comes out of my throat. "I can't keep you or Orochimaru away from Naruto and Sasuke, but I can promise you this: if either of you lay a finger on Kimimaro, I will do to you… what I did to Danzo- tenfold, hm.”

"So it _was_ you that killed Danzo…"

"Indeed… Do be careful of your glasses, a mother's gift should always be treasured, hm." I let him go, blood running down his arm and my palm mouth spat out blood and skin. Slowly backing away from him, I dropped my smile and quickly rushed to my brothers.

Kabuto quickly regained his composure. Pushing his glasses up, he turned towards everyone and waved with his iconic "I'm a genin too!" smile, "Sorry about that guys! We had a misunderstanding!" Probably less than half of the room bought that lie.

While he went to go heal himself, I took Kimimaro away to the hospital. Sending him to the emergency room, I summoned his clay dragon, increasing the size to where it took up a large portion of the room.

"Kill anyone that is not hospital staff or is a scent you know is non-hostile, hm." With it nodding at me, I went have ramen.

I don't even know who is fighting against who.

~^~^~^~^~

After three bowls of aggressively eaten ramen, Naruto located me. I stopped mid-slup to look at the white-haired pervert tailing behind him.

"Deidara-nii! I found a better teacher! One that's actually stronger than that closet pervert Ebisu! He's weak, dattebayo!" I then bonked Naruto on the head, "Owwwww, Deidara-nii!"

"Mind your manners Naruto, Ebisu is still a jounin and deserves the respect that comes with it, hm." I politely bowed to Jiraiya, my mind flooding with memories of his character. Another person I have to protect… with difficulty. “It’s an honor to meet you, Jiraiya-sama.”

Jiraiya gave me an approving smirk as he looked me up and down… watch it, pal. "You know who I am?"

A tic mark formed on my forehead as I forced my smile to remain polite."Of course, the great Toad Sage and author of one of my favorite books. May I have your autograph, hm?" I pulled out my book from my pouch. Naruto was watching the exchange with confusion, and with minor annoyance since he was being ignored.

Jiraiya closed his eyes as he accepted my book, pulling out his pen, "Of course! Anything for a fan of my famous Icha- oh…" He had opened his eyes mid-sentence to look at the worn cover of my _The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi_ book. "You've… actually read this book?"

"At least once a year, I find it more beautifully written than your.., other books… and… well…" I give Naruto a sideways glance then look at the older man with a small smirk. "The main character holds some importance to me, hm."

Jiraiya's eyes widen and his face quickly morphed, giving me a "we'll talk later” look. He signed the book and returned it to me, then motioned for Naruto to follow him. "Come on kid, let's start training."

"Alright! About time, dattebayo!" Naruto quickly hugged me, "Bye, Deidara-nii!" He ran off after Jiraiya.

I paid for my ramen and quickly finished any tasks that were left unattended for the past five days, like laundry. 

… I swear a fourth of the laundry belongs to either Sasuke or Neji. How the hell do you wash-? Why are they-? Oh, forget it.

~^~^~^~^~

I sat on the roof of the hospital right above Kimimaro's room when Ebisu appeared before me.

"I apologize Deidara-san, I was unable to train Naruto, but on the bright side he is being trained by-"

"The Legendary Sannin Jiraiya, trained by the Third Hokage and was the sensei of the Fourth Hokage, hm." Ebisu gives me a peeved look but sighed and pushed his glasses against his face to calm down. I do not miss wearing glasses.

"Yes, that is correct."

"It's fine, he needs to be trained by someone that can give him a push in the right direction. Is there any other reason why you are here, hm?" I tilt my head in confusion when he handed me a scroll with the symbol for an S-rank mission.

"Hokage-sama believes you are the one who can finish this mission the fastest and cause the least amount of damage in the process."

I opened the scroll and read its content, a smirk pulled on my mouth. Perfect, just what I wanted.

It was an assassination mission where the only proof of completion is the head of the leader, everyone else is to my discretion. Daimyo just love using shinobi for their dirty work. 

Giving my fellow jounin a nod I went to Kimimaro’s room. I gave my sleeping brother a kiss on his forehead and a promise to be back soon. I packed what I needed for this mission plus a little extra, and left Konoha to prepare for the next steps in my plans.

I can only wish that luck was on my side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one also received heavy editing... kind of a trend with this bulk actually. My basic rule when writing: If I frown, I need to fix it. I don't have much confidence in writing fight scenes and most authors I read are 100% better than me, so I tend to keep them brief. I prefer character interactions and dialogue over action-based moments, but I'm still proud of this chapter.
> 
> The next chapter introduces a special character. :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beautiful mistakes were made.

With the help of C4 and my sensory abilities, finishing the mission was a breeze. I was also quick to inform Hiruzen -bluntly- that I did _not_ want to be sent out of the village until after the exams. I didn’t have time to idle around or do the Daimyo’s petty work. I had a month to prepare.

In one month, Orochimaru will attack Konoha with Sunagakure.

Naruto has met Jiraiya and is learning the summoning jutsu for toads, Sasuke is off learning Chidori from Kakashi. Kimimaro is bedridden until the final rounds since his health is declining fast. And Sakura wasn’t expecting me for at least another week. Leaving me alone to do whatever I please.

And Hiruzen was allowing me to do what I please! Well… whatever I wanted as long as it wouldn’t result in a 4th shinobi war. 

This is how I found myself in one of Orochimaru’s abandoned labs with a tied-up rogue shinobi. He must have planned on coming back, three labs had been destroyed since I had last checked the areas. I paid little mind to the dead snake outside of the lab and based on a theory of mine, the seals were meant to seal the chakra of anyone entering with ill intent… and killing anyone that tried to use their chakra. I used to have two rogue-shinobi.

Luckily for me, I am here in the name of… I guess this counts as science.

"Holy shit this data is amazing…!" I was all but drooling over the piles and piles of scientific research from Orochimaru’s morally ambiguous experiments. Highly illegal, but I’m keeping most of it. Now… if I could just convince the twins to learn this duel-nature combo it would- 

"You sick bastard! What do you plan on doing to me!?" Oh… Right, the rogue shinobi. I looked over at the man. I forgot his name but judging by his record in the bingo book, he was supposed to be dead. His bounty wasn’t even worth much, just some stupid guard that I captured during the first hour of my mission.

Oh well, he won't be missed then.

I hummed, completely ignoring the question. Reaching into my pouch I produced two scrolls, one for later and the other one containing a complex wave of symbols, kanjis, and squiggles. Sitting in the middle of the ink, was a few locks of long hair that… somehow didn’t decompose after several decades.

Yep, I'm using _that_ jutsu.

I quickly popped in some earplugs while humming a toneless tune. My captive squirmed, trying to undo his bonds as I sat the scroll next to him without a shed of pity. Pity… I haven’t felt that in a long time. It is funny how when you live in a kill or be killed world… you stop regarding unknowns as living beings. You’ll vomit at night, be haunted by faceless beings in your dreams… but you learn to bottle up these thoughts.

Weaving the required hand signs, symbols formed under the shinobi and a circle of light glowed. I couldn’t hear, but I watched him scream as dust covered his body. I found myself chewing on my bottom lip.

'Good, it worked just like how Kabuto showed Obito...' I took out my earplugs as the dust began to fly away. "Hello Izu- FUCK, WRONG UCHIHA!"

Even though my captor had been tied up, _he_ was standing. _He_ was standing and it was wrong. I didn’t want to summon him, I wanted the one I could convince to help protect the village… not him. Not Uchiha Madara. 

Standing before me was Madara, in the prime of his youth, with Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan staring me down. This was wrong… so so wrong.

I couldn’t breathe, didn’t want to blink. Was I already in a genjutsu or was Madara just standing there? Why did I think this was a good idea?!

He opens his mouth, "Who-"

I threw my arms in the air, “What the absolute fuck?! What the hell happened! Why are _you_ here?! Wait- no, don’t,” I lower my hands out so my palm faced him, as if to cover it from my vision, “don’t answer, you’ll just point at me, hm. Please, stay right there!”

Maybe he was humoring me… maybe he was waiting to see why he was brought back from the grave. No matter the reason, he remained rooted on the spot.

I bit my thumbnail as I rifled through my scroll and my notes. I know I had recreated Kabuto’s Edo Tensei perfectly… even if the anime and manga made it all look like a bunch of scribbles. It was a pain, but I had managed to find a copy of Tobirama’s notes -thanks Hiruzen- but… I can’t read anyone’s handwriting. I can’t read anyone’s squiggles but mine and my brothers! Gah!

I looked up at the ceiling, my will to protest slowly draining. "Hey, Universe? I'd like a refund on my Edo Tensei. I ordered a medium Uchiha, with a side of duck hair and ponytail, hold the eyes. You gave me the deluxe combo, extra-large hair, and threw in some Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan, hm." Madara's eyebrows rose to almost comical levels as I pleaded to empty space.

Why does this always happen to me? I just wanted my plans to be nice and simple for once. I went for Izuna because he was close to my age and is like an older Sasuke. Also, considering I have a jar full of Sharingans back home, I could have given him his sight back. But noooo, the Universe decided to give me Madara! Literally the worst Uchiha I could have possibly gotten! I don’t need someone so overpowered that he could break our connection without blinking!

I double-checked my formula, growling in frustration as fistfuls of my blond locks kept getting in the way. "Stupid hair… things seem to be in order… So how the hell did I get Madara's DNA? And how are you so young, hm?" I quickly took one of Oro's microscopes -sneezing from the dust- and examined some leftover hair.

Well, shit, some of it’s black and some of it is blue… Izuna got buried with some of his brother's hair. Does chakra just preserve hair in general?

But why is he in his prime?! 

I must have written something wrong, I am no expert on jutsu and I'm surprised the damn thing even worked in the first place. I was expecting nothing to happen, actually… or an explosion. Honestly, an explosion would have been more realistic than the damn jutsu working."Why did I think this was a good idea…? Kami, I am an idiot, hm."

The more I stared at the scroll, the more my perfectionist brain kept focusing on each and every small detail. An endless cycle of stress and panic as I slowly forgot how to breathe or blink. I was thrown out of my loop when a hand slowly took the scroll away and gently pushed my head up to look into a pair of Sharingan. Oh… Madara's still here… I forgot.

I stared at Madara blankly, mind momentarily numb, "Any ideas how you're not a crippling old man, hm?"

He cocked his head to the side, frowning. "How do you know the state of which I died?" Back to his passive face, damn, and he's one of the more expressive Uchiha too.

…

To tell Madara the truth, or to not, that is the question at hand. Meh, he's gonna break the connection and probably kill me anyway, "Kaguya consumed the forbidden fruit from the great tree, creating chakra. She plans to use the Infinite Tsukuyomi to return chakra to the great tree and end the shinobi world. You may have also read that the Uchiha clan would be saved by the genjutsu too, hm?"

I must have a very grabbable neck, or Uchihas have a throat fetish. Madara's hand grabbed my throat and lifted me off the ground, effectively cutting off my oxygen supply. My body didn’t react, the movements were too quick even for me.

The Uchiha glared at my limp form, "You are not of the Uchiha clan, how do you know what is on the stone tablet?" My right hand slowly raised up and smacked his hand. It wouldn’t do anything to him, probably felt like a bug landing, but I couldn’t do much else as stars danced over my visions. He clicked his tongue and dropped me to the floor, my body landing harshly at his feet.

My lungs greedily inhaled oxygen but would quickly cough it out. Madara crouched down by me and stared with his Sharingans. Like I could hurt the infamous Uchiha Madara.

"How could a mere child not only bring me back to my prime... but also know about the stone tablet?" 

EXCUSE ME, I’M A _WHAT_?!

My hand shot out on its own, colliding with cartilage and I watched in slow motion as Madara tilted backwards and landed flat on his ass. Well… I’m dead. I just punched a reanimated Madara in the nose.

I looked at him, my hands slowly trail up to cover my mouth and nose. "Ooooooo, sorry Madara-sama, I didn't mean to pun- pfffffff…" I tucked my head close to my knees, my body shaking with laughter as Madara sat up. His face was a mixture of bewilderment and disgruntled. Eyes wide and jaw slack, his nose repairing with dust as it had come clean off from my punch. He quickly closed his jaw… but now he looked like he was pouting. 

I need to make Uchihas pout more often. This is golden and I didn't wear my scope today! I almost wanted to open my closed eye, but I don't think that would be a good idea.

Sadly, my laughter was cut short by a coughing fit. I could feel the bruises from the choking begin to form and I had to curl into a ball to make the pain stop. "Gah… I hate my liiiiiife…"

"If you wish to keep your life, I suggest you start answering my questions. How do you know about me." That was not a question, it was a demand… he still looked pouty though.

I sat up after a few moments and crossed my legs. “Uchiha Madara, the most powerful man in the Uchiha clan, and the most feared villain in the Naruto world. Also my…” I paused, counting on my fingers. “Fifth favorite character- wait, who’s my fourth? Nevermind the details, hm. My name is Deidara, just a little over five years ago I was a girl from another universe where you, Senju Hashirama, Konohagakure, and everything in between are part of a fictional piece of literature called a manga. I died and was put in this body where I decided ‘gee, I want to fuck with the timeline!’ so, here I am, hm.”

I could pat myself on the back for not stuttering once.

Madara folded his arms. “Reincarnation… haven’t heard anyone talk about that in years. And this world is a… manga?” The word sounded foreign on his tongue, and I’m reminded that this man was in his 90’s when he died… poor guy sounds so out of touch with the world. 

I paused and waited. Madara seemed to also be waiting for something, he just didn't know what.

"What?"

I tackled him in a tight hug. For two reasons, 1. I wanted an excuse to touch his hair and- IT'S SOFT AS HELL! And 2…

“Thank you! Thank you so so much! You are a saint! You didn’t ask for proof and went along with it even though I sound completely insane! I could kiss you! Don’t worry, I won’t, hm!” I did press my cheek against his, squeeing like a heated kettle.

The Uchiha froze, one hand hovering over my neck while the other kept his balance. I could feel his eyes on me. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was the first time someone has hugged him since Izuna. Kids would freeze at the sight of his cold face, so a teenager hugging him was probably a new concept. Well, if you don’t plan on killing me, you better get used to it, old man! I’m a hugger and your hair is like a bunny and a kitten merged into the ultimate levels of fluff- how the hell is it this soft? "I am to assume people often ask to prove it? You already said enough prior." The hand hovering my neck lowered, grabbing the back of my shirt and pulling me off. There wasn’t any malice in his movements, just awkwardness.

I quickly scrambled off of him, nervously smiling, "They usually want me to tell them about the future, hm."

He tilted his head, "But… you want to change it… Shouldn’t they ask for you to reveal secrets only they should know?”

'Thank you! Someone that gets it!' Maybe reviving Madara wasn't such a bad idea after all. Wait… why hasn't he broken the connection yet?

"You’re still connected to my Edo Tensei, hm." 

Madara nodded. "You reanimated me by accident. Breaking the connection before my… ally finishes his work could harm my plans. I am supposed to be dead." He gave me a pointed look as if him coming back to life was my fault. I mean, it kinda is, I screwed up the Edo Tensei.

I nodded dumbly. Guess it would be a waste not to ask, right? "So, um… if I were to say… summon you… would you be willing to-" I shrank under Madara’s imposing aura, twiddling my fingers like the old Hinata. "Help, hm...?" It would be useful to have Madara on my side when in battle. I’d much rather have the overpowered shinobi on my side than on the enemies’. 

"Before I answer that, who were you originally going to reanimate?"

I gulped, "Izuna…? I have Sharingans back at my apartment, so he would be able to see, hm." His hair was floating with chakra. "Uh… I can explain… Everything?"

Madara took a long, unneeded breath and relaxed his chakra. ”Very well, I will assist you in your battles, but only as a last resort and if you swear to not reanimate Izuna. You will explain everything to me later, otherwise, I will break the Edo Tensei."

I nodded frantically, knowing better than to call on an Uchiha's bluff. "Alright, I can agree to that…" I formed a hand sign and Madara's coffin popped out of the ground, "I need to check up on my brother's training, so um…" I pulled out a talisman from my pouch. "I need to stick this in the back of your head, hm." Carefully, I put the kunai and talisman into his head, rejuvenating him to appear more alive while also having some better control over him. If push comes to shove, I can get rid of his free will and personality with Orochimaru's talisman. If I can get close to him to do that again.

Madara stands up and dusts himself off, but doesn't enter the coffin. "I would prefer to see how Konoha has changed in these last decades." Rather than arguing with someone who could easily break my control of them, I let the coffin sink back to the ground.

Stubborn old man, "Fine, but we'll have to disguise you, hm."

I used a transformation jutsu to change his clothes. Instead of his usual blue attire with red armor, he was now in a black outfit similar to what he was wearing, but it was more kimono-like and didn't have the Uchiha fan on the back.

Now the problem was his hair and face, it was all too iconic even without any photographs of him existing. Right now, he just looks like a porcupine Uchiha that just left a funeral.

“Put your hair up,” I say while handing him a spare ribbon. “Try to flatten most of it if you can, hm.”

Quickly pulling out some clay, I got to work. Madara quietly observed my fingers expertly molding the clay into a small kitsune mask. A hand sign later and the mask poofed into a size big enough to fit Madara's face.

"You use clay as your jutsu?"

"No, explosions, hm." I internally smiled at the approving noise that came out of Madara’s throat and sliced my thumb with a kunai. Using the blood, I drew on the mask to create an elaborate face, my chakra changing the colors slightly to give depth.

"If anyone asks, you’re my new summon, hm." I placed the mask on his face and it morphed. Now when Madara moved, the nose flared like it was breathing. However, if Madara speaks the mouth stays motionless, as if he was using telepathy.

And the plus side is that no one can see his eyes!

"I doubt this will work." Thanks, Debbie Downer.

"It will, trust me, I'm good at lying, hm." I gave him a smile before leaving the labs with the Uchiha in tow. I slipped on a high-collared hoodless jacket to hide the bruises from Madara's absolutely lovely grip. I bought it in case Izuna had tried to choke me, and didn't expect I had to hide Madara’s massive handprint. “My entire existence hinges on my ability to lie after all-”

"CAW!" I jumped a foot in the air when a crow landed on my shoulder shouting. It took one look at Madara, then at my neck, then back at Madara. It screeched, puffing its feathers out as if it was trying to look intimidating.

Oh… this was Itachi's crow.

I learned two things when talking with Itachi during our Tsukuyomi session. One thing was that if the bird's Sharingan were activated, Itachi had full physical control of the bird. When deactivated it moved on its own but Itachi could influence it and see through its eyes.

The second thing I learned was the puffball trying to intimidate Madara was bonded to me. No idea why, but the feather duster liked me and didn’t like finding me injured.

The bird's Sharingan activated and its feathers flatten. "Itachi, this is Uchiha Madara-sama, Madara-sama, the one controlling the bird is Uchiha Itachi, hm." I gently petted the bird's beak as it tensed up, "I messed up a jutsu Itachi- OW! Itachi, quit it!" Itachi had the crow peck at my head, I could almost hear him calling me an idiot from Kami-knows where he is. No need to tell me something I already know!

"That actually hurts you know, don't peck my neck, hm!” I tried to swat at it, but the crow dodged. “Geez, first Obito, now Madara and you. Do you Uchiha have a throat fetish or someth- IIIIIINNNG!" My entire body went rigid, helpless to a small sensitive point at the nape of my neck that if hit, sent a shockwave throughout my nervous system. The message was straightforward: shut up.

Madara leaned forward to my height to examine the crow, "I see. It has the Sharingan..." The crow bobbed its head in uncertainty.

Quickly recovering from the stun, I shrugged the shoulder without the crow and started to walk off, "It's something Itachi does with his summons. Let's go, I need to see my brother, hm." Itachi deactivated the crows Sharingan and the bird happily nuzzled my face, demanding attention.

Madara let out a pleased hum during our walk to the river. Something about a tea house he was fond of still being opened. I swear I’ve been to that one with Anko for dango.

When we reached the river, my eye began to twitch.

"Is your brother the one with white hair, or the naked girl hugging him?" No Madara, my brother is the frog on that rock. Of course, it's the naked girl!

"UZUMAKI NARUTO!" 

Naruto shrieked and turned back to normal, pale and afraid. I cracked my neck, storming to him with my hair billowing out like Kushina on a bad day. He was so small compared to me, the perfect height to tower over him with my hands planted firmly on my hips.

“I leave… you alone… with a _SANNIN_!” Naruto winced. “And you dare to use your sexy jutsu like this is some game?! You can’t even make your female form remotely sexy- look at me when I’m talking to you, hm!” I yelled out, grabbing the back of his head -not pulling hair- and turning his head so we’re face-to-face. 

"Now now, no need to be mad, the kid was just helping me with my research-" Jiraiya stopped, his arms in a "Don't shoot" position as I twirled to point a finger at his face.

“Research? My baby brother has to turn into a naked, not-attractive woman for your research, hm?!” Jiraiya deflated, almost shrinking. The crow flew off my shoulder, landing on Madara’s and far away from me. “That porn has as much sex appeal as a monk’s scriptures! You wouldn’t know the meaning of the word sexy if it presented it’s perfectly globed boobs in your face, hm!”

”But Deidara-nii!” Naruto protested, “He won't focus on my training! He only pays attention when I use the sexy jutsu, dattebayo!" He crossed his arms into a sulk. Probably bitter that I scolded him when my energy should be focusing on the white-haired pervert.

"Is that so, hm?" I smirked and weaved hand signs. "Well then, guess I might as well take a shot at this, hm. Transform." Using an ample amount of chakra, I brought forth a pond’s worth of clouds in an audible _poof_.

After all, I have my own idea of what a sexy woman should be.

“Why waste your time with a little school girl…” I murmured, the voice odd on my tongue, like Jessica Rabbit with a slight sleepy tone to it. My slender, pale arms wrapped around Jiraiya’s neck, my appearance covered by the clouds. “When you can spend your time… with a real woman~?

The clouds vanish and bits of blood threaten to pool out of Jiraiya’s nose.

My jutsu turned me into a woman, draped in a loose, black kimono with spider lilies. The hem draped the ground ever-so-slightly and the fabric supported by a rich obi of crimson color tied elaborately at my back. My collarbone was exposed, my sleeves only barely covering the joints of my shoulders, but looked as if a light breeze would slip them right off. When I moved, a single, pale leg at the calf and nothing higher teased out of the silk robe, revealing black zori that elevated my height to barely tower the perverted sage. My hair was styled up, decorated like an Oiran of ancient history, with hairpins adorned with onyx and red garnet stones, a contrast to the velvet choker around my long, pale neck which held my necklace’s locket at the hollow of my throat. My make-up was simple, black eyeshadow coated in a smokey pattern and a thin layer of gloss coating soft, plump, pink lips.

I let out a breathy sigh, adjusting to the new weight that came with the hourglass figure. The kimono covered just enough of the medium-sized breasts to let Jiraiya’s imagination run wild and my wide hips took a moment to get used to. 

But this was my vision, this is what I would describe as a “sexy” woman. 

I took a finger and placed it under his chin so he looked directly at me, "Well…Jiraiya-sama?~" I allowed each syllable roll off my tongue as I inched towards his ear, "Shall. we. play?~" Blowing a gentle breeze into his ear was all it took to send the man rocket shipping backwards and landing onto the ground.

That was easy.

I pulled out a folding fan from my kimono sleeve and used it to cover my smirk. Gracefully turning to look at the other guys, my laughter came out in a smooth, sultry chuckle.

Naruto was gawking, most likely trying to remind himself that he is staring at his _brother_. Madara had placed a hand over his eyes, I couldn't see his expression because of his mask, so I wasn't sure about what he thought. And the crow…

Sharingans activated, beak hanging wide open. I think I broke Itachi… whoops.

However, after the shock left, Itachi gave me a blank stare. If he could talk I could almost hear him say "Colors clashing with my hair, my ass." Though I doubt he would actually say ass, he would still most likely tease me constantly.

Jiraiya sprang back to his feet laughing pervertedly, "OOOHHH YEAH! Now that's what I call a lady!" He gave me two big thumbs-up while his nose was bleeding profusely. "Now…" He pulled out his notebook, his eyes looking below my head. "How about showing me what's under those robes?"

The reactions were immediate.

Naruto began attacking Jiraiya with shadow clones while Madara was leading me away. The crow was trying to join in on attacking Jiraiya with its Sharingans deactivated.

"Arms out." I obeyed Madaras's commands as he began fixing up the robes. His movements were surprisingly gentle, given the fact he spent at least fifty years of his life a hateful individual. "Jutsu or not, a woman should not expose themselves like this before marriage." I gasped in air when he tightened the obi. Does he not realize that I can just undo the jutsu?!

"Great advice grandpa- URK! Would you stop with the tugging I need to breathe! This jutsu’s voice was not meant for shoUTING- Shutting up, hm." Is this an obi or a corset?! I quickly undid the jutsu before Madara could crush my organs. The smug bastard was probably smirking under his mask... He just chuckled… damn Uchihas.

I returned to my brother, pulling him and the bird off of the Sannin. "Behave you two, it's not like he touched my boobs or anything, hm." I then had to pin Naruto down before he could beat up his godfather even more so.

"Jiraiya-sama, I suggest you start training my baby brother, hm." Jiraiya, not wanting to deal with more attacks, summons a toad and has Naruto form the contract. I leaned into the sage’s ear and whispered, "You and I will need to talk later. For the record, I am not related to Minato-san nor Kushina-san, hm." Jiraiya’s shoulders tensed and I returned my attention to Naruto.

"Deidara-nii! Who's the guy with the big hair standing behind you, dattebayo?!" Wow, honey, it took you that long to notice him? Congrats, you noticed him before Jiraiya!

"Oh, this is Ma-" Madara gives me a glare behind his mask, "-sato… Masato-san! He is from a summoning tribe that I found a while back, I tested out my contract and he wanted to see the village, hm."

Naruto folded his arms, glaring suspiciously, "But he’s a human?"

"He’s a kitsune, Naruto. They can transform into people to blend in with the environment. He’s hiding his ears and tail to blend in better, he’s shy and doesn’t like to be stared at, hm.” even Jiraiya seemed to fall for this lie. Honestly, I don’t know if kitsune is a summon in this world, but considering the crap Pein can summon, I wouldn’t be surprised. Reaching down, I scooped up Itachi’s crow. “Naruto, I’ll see you later. I have to check on some things, hm.” 

When we were out of hearing range, Madara looked down at me. "Is this a normal occurrence? Also, a fox?"

I shrugged, "You try explaining to a child and one of the strongest shinobi in the world that you can reanimate the dead, hm." I kissed the top of the crow's head as it nuzzled under my chin then flew off. I guess Itachi wanted to make sure I was okay.

The Uchiha fell silent, observing the village which paid little mind to his presence. He had an aura of… discomfort. “The village hasn’t changed much since I was last here… except for some buildings.” Considering this man seemed to live and breathe the battlefields, I can’t exactly blame him for his discomfort.

"Hashirama-sama and Tobirama-baka were quite the leaders after you left. Same with Yondaime Hokage, but he died young, hm." I could feel Madara's amusement at Tobirama's honorific. "I'll show you around. But afterwards, you need to be unsummoned, hm."

I give the Uchiha pretty much the whole tour while quietly explaining what has changed, ending it on top of the Hokage monument. Even after all these years, the view still took my breath away. No bird or dragon could mimic it.

Madara, currently unmasked, looked down at the four faces and frowned. "The village hasn’t elected an Uchiha for Hokage."

“Tobirama-baka was effective in making Uchiha's climb for power nearly impossible. Itachi's father was considered, but my brother's father Minato became the Yondaime, hm."

Madara tilted his head ever-so-slightly, "He is not your brother by blood?"

"That's right. He's an orphan I took in a long time ago, but he might as well be blood-related, same with my other brother. I wouldn't trade either of them for the world, hm."

"Even though you had to give up your old life?" 

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. He seemed to be acutely aware that I could only see properly in one eye, and was never in my blind spot. His Sharingan were deactivated, but he was looking at me. I frowned, a light growl coming from my throat. “Shut up… Don’t speak like you understand me, hm.”

Madara raised an eyebrow, "Where is this other brother of yours?"

My spine tensed, and it took all of my willpower not to cross my arms over my chest. “The hospital. He’s sick- something from his clan no doubt- and can’t leave his bed until the Chunin Exams- where are you going, hm?’

"To visit this other brother of yours. If I am to fight in your battles, it would be beneficial that I do not murder your… younger brothers." Madara hesitated to finish that sentence. Before I could ask about Izuna, he slipped on the kitsune mask.

I took Madara to the hospital, explaining to the doctors that he is a summon for protection. I had to apologize to some nurses as well, Kimi's dragon spooked them the first time they entered his room.

Slowly opening the door, pain-filled my heart seeing my brother covered in IV's and tubes. According to his doctors, he should be fine during the finals but after that, he will have to be back in bed. I spotted some flowers sitting in a vase by his bedside… pear blossom, dark pink rose, and lily of the valley? Based on the symbolism behind the flowers, Neji must have visited recently and had Ino's help picking them.

I reached Kimimaro in few strides and gently brushed his hair out of his face. I feltMadara keeping his distance, but I knew he was watching.

"Nii-sama…?" Kimi’s voice was barely above a whisper, his eyes opening slowly like they held the weight of the world. His eyes were glazed and dull, and turning his head seemed to cost more energy than it should have. 

"Hey, Kimi-baby… how are you feeling...?" I ran my fingers through his hair in an attempt to soothe him. I could feel it though, his pain. My chakra could follow his irregular heartbeat, his laborious breath. The poor kid… he was hooked to more needles than I wanted to count.

Kimi’s eyes suddenly cleared, and his pale skin shifted to a pinker hue as he strained his voice, "I shall be strong enough to participate in the final rounds, I will make you proud Nii-sama, I… I…" He went quiet when I kissed his forehead.

“No… no baby. You can be in the final round… but I want you to give up the minute you start to feel tired, okay?” He opened his mouth and I placed a finger on his lips. “Don’t argue. I’m your brother and I’m trying to keep you alive. Do you want to die on Naruto and me, hm?”

His eyes widened, "No! Of course not! But-"

"But nothing then."

He frowns but has to nod. He relaxes back into his pillow and glares over my shoulder, "Who is the man in the mask, Nii-sama?"

"Masato, my summon."

Oh dear, I know that expression anywhere.

"... Nii-sama,” Kimimaro started cautiously, “I know you like men, but-"

"No no no no no Kimimaro! No, I'm not in a relationship with him! He is my summon that I made a contract with during my mission! Also, he is way older than he looks, ew. I would never be in a relationship with an older man, hm." I chose to leave out "Within reason" to avoid more panicking from my, already, freaked out brother.

Kimi relaxed ever so slightly but continued glaring at Madara, "Harm my Nii-sama and I will kill you."

I facepalmed. Leave it to my baby brother to make death threats at Madara.

I was surprised when Madara laughed. Not an insane cackle, or a smug chuckle, but a real, full-blown laugh. “I will keep that in mind, child.”

Kimi returned to looking at me, "I want to meet the man you plan dating in the future. I know you like guys and as your brother, I want to make sure you are in a safe relationship."

I rolled my eyes before kissing his forehead again, smiling softly. "Yes, Kimi-baby… now, go back to sleep. The doctors will check on you soon. I'll visit again, hm." As if those were the magic words Kimimaro closed his eyes and fell back asleep. I quietly left with Madara beside me.

"He is a rather protective child." Uchihas just love stating the obvious, I guess.

I gave him a small nod, "His… his clan was wiped out due to various reasons, and I took him in. He's developed an overprotective and somewhat worshiping personality over me. Could be worse though, at least he minds, hm."

Madara tilted his head back in thought, "Almost reminded me of Izuna when we were children…"

I bit my lower lip, not much is known about Izuna, so I'll have to take his word for it. "Let's go somewhere private and then I'll unsummon you, hm." I took him to the outskirts of the village, confirming that no one was watching. I summoned his coffin, "In you go, I'll explain everything another day."

He steps into the coffin without argument, but despite the somber atmosphere, he smirked. I hate that smirk. I really… really do. Sasuke makes the _exact_ same smirk when he’s about to say something that’ll get him punched in the gut.

"By the way, what is with that ‘hm’ thing you do at the end of your sentences? The nasal grunts." His aura radiated smugness, and he leaned forward as if to get closer to me. "It is rather distracting-" I then slammed the coffin lid on his face.

"Damnit! You guys really are from the same clan! I get enough shit from Itachi and Sasuke I can't help my speech impediment, hm!" The coffin sank into the ground as I heard Madara laugh. I swear he just compared me to Hashirama.

Damn Uchihas…

Grumbling, I removed my jacket as the weather was _way_ too warm for it in my opinion. As I headed back I felt something that made me groan loudly into the sky above.

"Fucking hell, I haven't even told Hiruzen about her yet, hm! Couldn't Orochimaru have waited another week?!" Guess not!

With an annoyed grumble, I summoned my Chocobo and rode off for Kusagakure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the creation of this chapter is a unique one for me. I always knew I would have Deidara use Edo Tensei, but I never knew who. Well, one day while I was waiting for my next class, I got the idea to bring back Madara. I texted my beta and asked her what she thought, and basically told me to write it out and see what I make... this was the result of that. Some of you might be scratching your head at how this is even possible and all I have to say is: My story, my plot, my rules. Madara is in this story because I wanted him to exist.
> 
> I'm so happy I wrote in Madara. He's one of my favorite characters in the entire story. 
> 
> So, my ideas of a "sexy" woman is an odd one. I would like to remind my readers that I am a heterosexual, cisgender female. I find Jessica Rabbit to have one of the sexiest voices of a female character but I don't find her design to be sexy. I actually have an anime waifu... it's Olivier Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood. My idea of sexy is either complete bedroom vibes to "She will kick everyones' ass even if I don't ask her to". Deidara went with bedroom vibes to get Jiraiya's attention.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karin joins Konoha!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The side story takes place while Deidara performed his sexy jutsu in the previous chapter, just giving some context in case anyone was confused.

**Karin's POV**

I dreaded returning home. My team failed the Chunin Exams and my teammates were quick to blame me for the failure… but they were the ones that summoned Deidara-san. Either way, I had to spend the day healing people who did nothing bite into my skin like someone would a hunk of meat.

The following day, I was scheduled to work in the hospital again. But something was wrong… there was a chakra heading for the village. It was large, menacing with a slithering motion to it, something I only sensed briefly before at the Chunin Exams. It was… scary… I didn’t feel safe. Remembering Deidara-san’s words, I plucked the clay rosebud he gave me from my bedside table. Taking it outside, I threw a kunai at the flower and watched it give a light explosion, causing almost no damage to the ground around me. I was skeptical if it would work, but I locked up my house anyway, a kunai in my hand to prepare for the worst.

The chakra was getting closer.

~^~^~^~^~

I kept myself hidden as the man got closer to the village. Zoshi tried to bang down my door, but I hid and kept quiet. I heard him yelling about me deserting the village. 

'No… I didn't… I…' No, I am. By calling for Deidara-san’s help, I’ve made up my mind. I’ll go to Konoha with him… if he arrives.

Not long after Zoshi's chakra got farther away, I began to sense Deidara-san's chakra coming this way at a speed I didn't know was possible. He was on some kind of clay creature, like his dragon.

I ran outside, only to be greeted by a large snake and a man with pale white skin and yellow eyes smirking at me. Before he could speak, another voice cut in like a kunai on rice paper.

"Get the fuck away from her, hm!" I watched as the snake-like man became tense, as if this wasn't the first time encountering Deidara-san.

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

I'm exhausted, stressed, and above all _pissed_! Edo Tensei brought back Madara, my brother is in the hospital, and now I have to get Karin out of Kusagakure! 

Today was just not my day.

Using my Chocobo, I was able to get to Kusa quickly. I was surprised that the place wasn't up in flames like the crystal user Guren's village was. Then again, this was an entire nation and not some tiny village in the middle of nowhere. Everyone would notice a nation if it caught up in fire and smoke.

I made it to where I assumed Karin’s home to be if the massive snake by it meant anything. I growled, watching Orochimaru hovering Karin, maternal instincts that I have yet to learn how to silence screamed from me. "Get the fuck away from her, hm!"

Orochimaru tensed up and shot his head in my direction. His lips were pursued and the slits of his eyes nearly gone. If I didn’t know any better, I would have said he was pouting. 

I proceeded to throw explosives at both the snake and the man to get them away from Karin. It works in making them back away, I put away my Chocobo and threw out my C2 dragon, the simple one that the original Deidara used. Not Drogon, he uses too much chakra just to fly.

The temptation to summon Madara to help was looming over me, but I want to keep him a secret for as long as possible. Especially to Orochimaru.

"Get on! Now!" My urgent voice was enough to send Karin scrambling onto the dragon. She slipped and I had to quickly push her up to avoid any injuries. It's not that hard to climb a damn dragon! They have wings for a reason! I would have used a normal bird, but if something went wrong, C2 is the only one that can fly without my full consciousness.

However, I soon learned that turning my back on Orochimaru was the biggest mistake of my life.

Time seemed to move in slow-motion as two needle-sharp points pieced the right side of my neck. My eye trained to the source of the feeling, only to find a pair of yellow eyes staring at me and a deep chuckle in my ear. Orochimaru… Orochimaru was biting me.

I took a step forward, and ripped his head off my neck, scrambling onto the dragon. Its powerful wings took its body into the sky with strokes that sent waves of wind at Orochimaru. His laughter became distant as the dragon made its course for Konoha, honing in on Anko’s chakra signature. 

My hand slowly crept to my neck and I felt the puncture marks disappear. Then there was nothing but pain. I collapsed to my knees, a scream ripping out of my throat and my nails dug into the spot, clawing at the source where the pain oozed through my veins like liquid fire injected into the bloodstream. Even my own pain tolerance couldn’t stand the burning. 

I could only register the pain and Karin standing over me. I felt something being pressed against my gaping mouth as I prepared another scream, feeling flesh trying to press against my teeth. I reacted on pure instinct, pushing Karin away, only to grab her shirt so she didn't fall off the dragon. Every movement was like a hammer to my bones.

No… no, I would _not_ let that happen.

"I… did not…” I gasped out, glaring weakly at the girl. “Offer my help… to bite… you… do not…" I felt myself curl into a ball as another wave of pain took over my senses for a few seconds, "Use… that… ability… on... me…"

My body couldn't take more of the pain and I blacked out. The last thing I remembered was the dragon traveling as if nothing happened, with a little girl yelling for me to wake up.

~^~^~^~^~

**3rd person POV**

Karin nervously fidgeted with her fingers standing before the shinobi council. The civilian council was handling other matters, so thankfully for the clan heads, those idiots were not involved.

The room was thick with tension, so much so that many of the clan heads felt tempted to swipe a blade in the air to see if anything would cut. They weren’t sure of what to make of this. The Hokage had called for them for an emergency meeting, only to learn that Deidara brought home a child from Kusagakure.

Koharu looked at Karin with calculating eyes, "You can heal people by having them bite you?" She asked after the debriefing Hiruzen had given to the council, all reported from Anko. The child had been quiet the entire time.

Karin flinched, hugging her arm but nodding with hesitance. "I am also a sensor-"

"Then you will be helping heal the wounded at the hospital." Koharu interrupted coldly, uncaring of the fact that she was determining the fate of a little girl.

Karin paled and began to back away, 'No… no this wasn't…' 

Hiruzen gave Koharu a glare, "That is not for you to decide! Her fate is in Deidara's hands." Several clan heads raised eyebrows or tilted their heads.

Inoichi gave Hiruzen a curious look, "Why does Deidara-san have a say in her fate? He is in a coma-like state at the moment, correct?” He wasn’t taking the side of the village elders, the opposite in fact with how scared Karin was. But why would Hiruzen, of all people, emphasize on the influence of a teenager?

Instead of Hiruzen talking, Hiashi spoke up, "If you met the boy you would understand. I for one, agree with Hokage-sama. Deidara brought her here, and like with the others, she is under his care."

Catching what Hiashi said, Karin looked at him, "Others..?"

Hiashi nodded, "You are not the first person he has taken from other villages. There are at least five others so far… no doubt when he wakes up he'll have to talk to not only Kusa's leader but the Mizukage as well."

All of the clan leaders that have yet to meet Deidara paused, their brains momentarily frying at the fact that a sixteen-year-old may have angered two villages in a short amount of time.

Hiruzen rubbed his forehead, yearning for his pipe. "I received a letter from the Mizukage, demanding that he spoke with the boy."

At this rate, there was going to be at least 6 people with whiplash before the meeting ends.

Homura finally spoke up, "Hyuuga-sama, it is unlike your clan to disagree with militaristic choices. Why the sudden change?" Despite his politeness, like Koharu, he was also quietly seething. After Danzo's sudden death things have gone topsy turvy. Their influence was slipping away day-by-day and it was all because of that boy...

The Hyuuga kept his expression blank, "Because my heir, Hinata, is all but attached to his hip, and my nephew might as well be glued to his brother. He will never harm either of them, but I know what the consequences are if Deidara became my enemy."

A chill swept over the room. Inoichi and Shikaku both exchanged glances as the same thought loomed over them.

This has something to do with councilman Danzo.

“Even so, the child has no family,” Homura said, frowning at the girl. “Deidara is not her guardian and unless we wish to return such a unique kekkei genkai…. She is a child that belongs to the village.”

“Actually…” Hiruzen sighed out and the elders visibly tensed. “Deidara is her legal guardian at this moment…”

“How’d he do that?” Tsume asked with a smirk, crossing her arms and sitting back. If she knew it was going to be _this_ interesting she would have brought a snack!

Hiruzen slapped down an adoption paper. “With this.” He slid it to the left so the council could read the documents. Halfway through its route, Hiruzen slammed another sheet of paper. “Because Deidara is still a minor outside of his shinobi rank… Mitarashi Anko serves as his sponsor if he is ever in a situation where documents cannot be signed by his hands…”

Hiruzen smiled to himself, remembering how after Anko gave him Karin, she took the pen from his hand and scribbled her name all over the adoption paperwork.

Hiashi, through swallowed laughter, spoke again. "I propose we vote. Those in favor of Deidara controlling the child's fate?" He calmly raised his hand.

At first, no one moved. After all, it wasn’t every day the Hyuuga clan gets involved in politics that don’t actively support their motives. But soon, Shikaku, Inoichi, Choza, and Tsume raised their hands. The Aburame’s clan head kept his hand down, staying out of the vote entirely. 

“It’s been decided, child,” Hiruzen said, finally looking at Karin. “So long as Deidara breathes, you are in his custody."

~^~^~^~^~

I felt like I was in a Kingdom Hearts game, it was just darkness within freaking darkness. I couldn’t tell if I was standing or floating. If the world around me was empty or full.

I was honestly tired of the scenery. I wish I had a sense of time and space. All I could remember was Orochimaru clamping his jaws on my throat and pain taking over my ability to think. Was Sasuke's dream after getting bitten this boring? 

Eventually, a bright light shone from the distance, and the darkness morphed into a walkable surface. Finally, some changes, I was getting tired of being unable to see my hand in front of my face.

I took slow but long strides towards the bright light, each step causing a ripple in the darkness. I couldn't sense my surroundings, but this light… it was… warm and comforting, but at the same time something about it seemed off like it was pulling me towards something. Like it didn’t want to let me go.

Before I could touch the light, a hand gently covered my visible eye, blocking my vision. I didn't have the chance to see whose hand it was, but the size alone told me that it belonged to a man.

"It is not your time yet. You have too much you still have to do." I don’t… recognize that voice? It was definitely a man’s voice, but it didn’t seem right.

"My… time? Who are you, hm?" I tried to turn my head but another hand kept my head in place.

"We will meet again, but for now, you need to return to the living." Wait… was that light…?

I didn't have a moment to react before I was thrown into consciousness.

My body threw itself into a seating position as I panted heavily, several female voices screamed in surprise. I looked over to see at least three nurses hovering me, and Karin sitting on a chair clutching the seat part like it was a lifeline.

One nurse cupped her hands around her mouth, shouting at the door, "Deidara-san is awake! Get Hokage-sama!" I heard someone yell a response before running.

"Wha…?" I was cut off when one nurse checked my vitals while another made me drink a cup of water. My throat felt like I swallowed gravel and sand.

"You’ve been asleep for four days. On several occasions, your heart slowed to the point where we thought you weren't going to make it… but that girl…" The nurse gave Karin a soft look. "She has this odd ability to heal people if they bite her, and she had you bite her arms a few times. Every time, your heart would pick up back to normal."

I gave Karin a grateful, but also a "you are in _so much_ trouble" look. She turned away, cheeks turning pink. Oh, she’s just now remembering that I specifically told her _not_ to use her healing ability on me?

But then again… I probably would have died without her help. I owe her my life.

The nurses all leave once Hiruzen stepped into the room, giving Karin a grandpa-like smile, and stood by my bed. "It's good to see you’re still alive…"

I bowed my head slightly, "I'm sorry. I was going to warn you but… Orochimaru went to Kusa sooner than I expected, hm." My hand trailed to my neck, a dull throb lingered where Orochimaru bit me. "He… gave me the curse mark didn't he?"

Hiruzen nodded with a grave look, "He took a gamble. I suspect he expected you to die from the pain, thus eliminating the one thing keeping him away from Sasuke. But he risked giving you a portion of his power."

A shiver ran up my spine. "I don't want his damn hickey," Hiruzen raised an eyebrow. "I want this thing off my neck, hm!" My nails slowly clawed down and over where I presumed the mark to be.

Hiruzen grabbed my wrist to stop me from damaging my skin. "We sealed it, so as long as your will is strong, the mark will not activate. But we will have to monitor it… change of subject." He motioned to Karin, who has been watching the whole time. "What are your plans for Karin?"

I tilted my head, "What do you mean, hm?"

The old man sighed again, suddenly looking very tired, "Well… The Clan Council held a meeting to decide her fate. The elders wanted her to go tend to the wounded here, but Hiashi spoke against it. The council voted in favor of waiting to see if you would awake or not.”

I felt a wave of gratitude wash over me. Heh, Hiashi spoke in my favor to protect Karin? 'He's getting soft…' Slowly climbing out of my bed, I clamped my hand over the mark as it throbbed with pain. "Karin will become a Konoha kunoichi, she will be forbidden from using her healing ability against her will, hm."

Hiruzen nodded, "And how will you keep custody of her? Those adoption papers only work if Kusagakure gives her up."

My eyebrow rose, "As the last document guardian of an Uzumaki clan member, I take Uzumaki Karin, a distant cousin of Uzumaki Naruto, under my custody until she is of jonin rank, hm."

Karin sprang from her seat, "Wait, Uzumaki?! I'm part of a clan?!"

I held up my hand for her to wait. “And, while I’m at it. If Kusagakure wishes to petition her return to the Daimyo, I would like to formally request that they produce her birth certificate, dental records with DNA proof that they belong to her, hm.” Hiruzen was nodding to each request and making a mental laundry list of everything I was requesting. But I wasn’t done. “ _And_ a letter explaining why they, who have no historical affiliation with Uzushiogakure, should have any rights to an Uzumaki clan member.”

Hiruzen opened his mouth.

“In turn, I shall provide documentation of their abuse towards her with photographs from both the Chunin Exams, but also on her very person, a copy of the adoption papers for Uzumaki Naruto, and I’ll even gift the Daimyo with Hashirama’s biography and that entails this marriage with Uzumaki Mito-hime, hm. Of course, if Kusagakure wants to… oh, I don’t know… send thanks for their dropping crime rates due to the recent decrease in bandits, I’d be more than happy to accept her. ”

Hiruzen closed his mouth.

Hiruzen mutely handed me the official adoption papers that he just happened to have. The papers Anko signed were only legal until I woke up. I looked at Karin while filling them out like it was muscle memory… technically was, as I've had to do this for not only my brothers, but the twins, and I had to help Zabuza legally claim Haku as his son. I sadly couldn't claim Sai. He's seen as a legal adult according to Konoha's laws.

Stupid laws.

"Your bright red hair and massive chakra reserves indicate Uzumaki. We can always do a DNA test if you do not believe me, but your last name is officially Uzumaki... 'Dei...da...ra' hm!" I signed my name off with a flick of the wrist and handed the papers back to the old man.

"I will process this before the final rounds… along with a few other documents." We exchange knowing glances before he coughs, "Another thing… Where did you get those bruises? When your dragon crashed into the village, you had bruises in the shape of a hand around your throat."

'Oh… that…' I gave Hiruzen a long look, an eyebrow raising up to my hairline. How the hell do you explain to an old man that you accidentally reanimated one of the most infamous shinobi in history?

Before I could open my mouth, he held his hand up, "Nevermind, Deidara. I believe you shouldn't tell me…" He pinched the bridge of his nose, "I have a feeling I will learn soon enough. Here."

Hiruzen hands me a scroll with a fancy kanji for water on it. Oh boy, I can see where this was going. I decided to be dramatic and fling the scroll open, causing Karin to jump away to avoid being smacked. I'm reading… and reading some more… and... Oh, dear. This is bad, this is not a good thing at all.

I have no idea what this scroll is saying.

It's not that I can't understand Japanese. I’m fluent in reading it after living in this world for five years. But that was printed. This is Japanese cursive and I sadly cannot understand Yagura's scrawl.

I gave Hiruzen a pleading look, pitifully whimpering, "Help, hm." I handed him the scroll as he laughed at how my weakness is bad penmanship. I mean, I’m sure Yagura’s penmanship is beautiful in an artistic, museum-worthy perspective… but it’s unreadable.

He scanned the scroll, "The Mizukage is requesting an audience with you and expects a response soon. It has to do with Zabuza and Haku if I am correct." Damn people and their ability to read squiggles.

I groaned, "Alright. But I'm not going to Kiri until after the Chunin Exams, hm." I took the scroll back, rolling it up as Hiruzen leaves, ruffling Karin's hair in the process.

I quickly kicked Karin out of the room so I could change out of my hospital yukata. I'm going to have to either start wearing high collared shirts, jackets or wrap my neck in bandages to hide the curse mark.

Looking at the mark from a mirror, I was expecting the same one Sasuke had. But instead of the heaven curse mark, it was earth, the same one Kimimaro had. Just three curved lines that for some reason remind me of nail clippings… ew. It's bad enough that I call it a hickey, now it looks like I decided to get nail clippings tattooed on my neck.

… I'm just gonna pretend that Itachi's crow decided to scratch me instead. I like that image more.

The fact that I have the earth curse mark caught my attention though. I'll have to speak to a chakra expert to understand why. I memorize _a lot_ of things about this world, but the nuances of chakra and its networks are all garble to me. I was more interested in the story than the fighting and lack-of strategies the anime and manga offered… Ironic given the genre.

Putting my hair back up in my iconic ponytail, I exited the room only to pause for several seconds. Wait a minute… I’ve been asleep for _how long?!_

Karin cautiously reached out to me, "Deidara-san-?"

"FUCK!" Without another word I broke into a run down the hall, skillfully dodging nurses and doctors while Karin tried to keep up.

I all but threw the door to Kimimaro's room open, his dragon looking up for a moment, but upon seeing me fell back asleep. Thankfully, I’m seeing significantly fewer wires than before, but Kimi was still pale.

He was still asleep and not wanting to wake him, I gently kissed his forehead and left, noting he had more flowers by his bedside.

Karin stood in the hallway confused, she took a peek at Kimi before following me, her shorter legs struggling to meet my long strides. "Deidara-san? Was that Naruto?"

I looked at her for a moment then chuckled, "No, that was Kimimaro. The loud blond boy from the exam was Naruto, hm." At first, she looked at me with a blank look, going through a flashback-no-jutsu before she violently cringed, earning another laugh from me.

Leave it to Naruto to still get that kind of reaction from others.

Once outside I created two clay birds and threw them into the air. One headed to the Hyuuga estate while the other went to Sakura's house. Karin gawked at my palm mouths but didn't ask. Hinata and Sakura were already at the training ground by the time we arrived. I had to grab Karin a new weapons kit and some outfits as we left without any of her stuff.

"Deidara-sensei!" 

"Deidara-san!"

A warm smile graced my lips as the girls ran to me in greeting. "Hey, sweethearts. I have someone I want you two to meet. This is Kar- huh?" I look at my side to notice a significant lack of red by my hip. A hand gripping the back of my shirt and wrist had me twist my body towards my blindside.

Moving my hair so my open eye could see, Karin was timidly hiding away. I felt my palm connect with my face as I nudged her out of her hiding spot. Sorry honey, if I'm gonna kick Kimimaro away from hiding behind my figurative skirt, you get the same treatment.

Sakura was quick to understand that there is a story behind all this and gave Karin a gentle smile. "I'm Haruno Sakura, this is my friend, Hinata." She motioned to the blue-haired girl.

Hinata bowed to Karin politely, "Hello, it's nice to meet you. I am Hyuuga Hinata."

Karin stared at the girls for a moment before regaining her composure, "M-my name is… Karin…" She noticed my eyebrow-raising, "Um… Uzumaki Karin."

The girls’ eyes lit up and Hinata tilted her head. "Are you related to Naruto-kun?"

"From his mother's side,” I answered, resting a hand on Karin’s shoulder. “The Uzumaki clan usually has red hair, hm." When the girls nodded in I cleared my throat, "Okay, let me explain how this training will go. Sakura, you will be spending your time on chakra control, have you been reading medical books?"

Sakura nodded so I continued, "Good, you will be practicing on Hinata and Karin-chan." Both girls gave me confused looks. "Hiashi-sama wants Hinata to master the rotation. Karin-chan, you will be sparring with Hinata and throwing weapons at her. Aim to cut, not kill. Use your sensing abilities to tell Hinata where she needs to focus her chakra on. Sakura will heal any cuts, hm."

The training was simple and benefitted all of the girls. Sakura gets a head start on medical ninjutsu before Tsunade, Hinata masters rotation, and Karin…

Karin will improve her taijutsu… and hopefully, make two loyal friends.

This training session lasted for two hours, with a few minute breaks in between. Sakura would attempt to heal both girls, but because she could barely make her hand glow, I would step in with some bandages. During the breaks, the three of them would swap stories, crack jokes, and just laugh things off as if they have been doing this for years. They were like peas in a pod and I was so proud of Hinata and Sakura for accepting Karin so quickly.

It did make me chuckle watching Karin and Sakura get into a heated debate about Sasuke. Specifically, Karin idolizing him and Sakura talking about the time Sasuke accidentally ate Kimimaro’s noodles and they were so spicy he snorted some out of his nose.

Nostalgia swept over me as I watched the girls laughing. 'How long has it been since I acted like that…?’ Recalling memories of this world was easy, I lived in it and I had a notebook filled with information… but my past life? My _actual_ life? When was the last time I thought about it? Being a girl, laughing with my friends… honestly, I do that now. No one cares that I squeal over cute things, or give everyone pet names, or hug… everything. But… Huh, do I miss being a girl?

Sexy jutsu definitely reminded me that I didn’t miss some aspects of womanhood. Kami, those things were heavy. 

My thoughts were cut short when someone landed by me. "Dei-chan! I heard you were awake! Why didn't you tell me?!" Looking up, I saw Anko hovering over me.

"Oh, sorry about the scare, Anko. I-" I was cut short when my neck was nearly snapped with how fast she twisted it. I felt fingers ghost over the curse mark, but I also felt her rage slowly growing.

"... I should have gone with you, this would have never happened." 

"No, Anko, this was my fault. I stupidly let my guard down because I got comfortable being around him. I would have told you, but when I had gotten to Kusa, Orochimaru was already standing in front of Karin. Who knows what would have happened if I arrived any later, hm." Anko’s rage deflated and she gave me a defeated look. Well, I stilled her anger for the moment, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m stuck with this stupid hickey. Though, I’m curious to see what pattern will form on my body though- 'Bad thoughts! You will not fall for temptation!'

I decided to quickly change the subject fearing for my own curious mind to take over. "What happened while I was out? Any news, hm?" Her already defeated expression fell to one of despair. My blood ran cold.

Who died?

"Hokage-sama never told you…?" When I tilted my head in confusion, she whispered in my ear so the girls couldn’t hear, "Hayate was found dead…"

What…? But that makes no sense! I- I told Hiruzen to keep Hayate busy, right?! I told him, right?! I didn’t forget- how could I forget, I have to stare at the refrigerator for a solid minute to confirm I closed it! I don’t forget deaths! _I don’t forget events during my favorite arc of the original series!_

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE'S DEAD?!" I screamed out, Anko flinching away. The girls stopped their conversation and looked at us. Sakura began to stand.

"Deidara-sen-" I silenced her with a snap of my fingers. She chewed on her bottom lip and quickly herded the others to another location.

I grabbed Anko's shoulders, shaking her wildly, "How could he die?! Hiruzen knew exactly when it would happen and who kills him, why was he alone, hm?!"

Anko grabbed my wrists, holding them by my head. “He wasn’t, the two Anbu assigned to watch over him were found dead in another location.”

A low growl rippled through my throat. "Kabuto… _That damn bastard! Why is it so hard to keep people alive?! Do I have to hover, everyone, every fucking day of the year in case they choke on a grain of rice? Why can't people just not be stupid and listen to thin-_ " Anko’s hand collided with my face, slapping me out of my tirade. I blinked once, twice, three times to understand that I had slipped into English. Hayate wasn’t someone I was attached to, both as a person or a character. He just… existed. But he was… he could have lived. 

"Dei-chan! I have absolutely no idea what you just said, but… did you know about Hayate?"

I nodded, my face growing hot. "Yes, he was the first death in Konoha that was preventable… Hiruzen knew… but even that couldn't stop it from happening, hm..." I sighed heavily while running a hand through my hair. Of course, this had to happen…

Of course, I should have suspected this would have happened. Saving every death I knew about? What was I thinking? I would have to spend every waking moment just stalking different people to keep them alive, and at what cost? By trying to protect Hayate, three people were now dead. 

The girls slowly returned, Hinata taking the lead even though she looked just as nervous as the others. I gave them a weak smile, not quite reaching my eyes and the corners twitched. Fake… just fake. "Sorry about that girls… let's cut the training short for today and continue tomorrow. I need to show Karin-chan her apartment anyway, hm." I received two nods and hugs from Sakura and Hinata before they headed home.

I took Karin to her apartments, unaware of the thoughtful look forming on Anko's face.

~^~^~^~^~

The rapid banging on my door sent me flying out of bed and throwing it open, only to see Anko grinning at me like an idiot. I mean...

"Anko… it's..." I checked the clock, oh thank Kami. "8 in the morning, hm..." I could hear Naruto snoring away in his bedroom. The house felt empty without Kimimaro though… Everything felt empty without both of my brothers in the house...

Anko laughed. "Pack two bags for two weeks, one week of comfy clothes and another for shinobi gear, and then seal them in some scrolls. I'm taking you on vacation!" I think I just misheard my best friend. Did she say… vacation? 

For two weeks?!

"Wait, hold on, Anko, two weeks?! Are you sure? What about the girls? They need to be trained, hm!" There's also Kimimaro in the hospital and Naruto training and-

Anko made a “zip it” motion with her hand- wait, that’s my hand signal! “I already spoke with the girls and they agreed to have Hiashi monitor their training with Kurenai checking on them.” I opened my mouth and she slammed her hand over my lips. “Neji and the twins are checking on Kimimaro daily. That pervert Jiraiya is crashing here to watch Naruto with Haku and Zabuza checking in to make sure Naruto hasn’t died. Sasuke is with Kakashi and I’ve decided you’ve run yourself ragged for too long.”

I licked her hand to release my mouth. “Fine… what are we doing exactly, hm?”

"I'm glad you asked! There's a festival going on in Yugakure, so you and I are gonna enjoy food, games, and mixed baths." She gave me a teasing wink while I felt my cheeks flush red. Mixed _WHAT_?! "The second week we will be going around the country and looking at various tourist sites. You will be stuck with me for two weeks, you will have fun, and you will relax for once in your goddamn short life!" She ended her speech by poking me in the chest.

Wait… what about cost-?

“The Hokage is paying for all of this too! Isn’t that sweet of him?”

Well then.

I nodded and created a clone. The clone made breakfast for Naruto and wrote a note, while I packed my clothes. Anko gave my clone a judgemental stare.

“Dei-chan… I said you’re going on vacation-”

“Shut up and let me mom, hm!” I protested, pocketing the scrolls. She nodded in satisfaction and, after confirming our passports, led me out of the village. I smiled, looking at the back of her head as I followed my best friend.

Art may be fleeting, but I'm eternally grateful to have a friend like Anko to keep me sane... That's ironic considering she, herself is borderline insane.

~^~^~^~^~

**Side story #7 Kisame and Itachi**

**3rd person POV**

Kisame returned to the quiet inn he and Itachi were staying in with some take-out from a local restaurant. The rain had begun to pick up and Kisame was concerned for Itachi's health, as the teen's skin was more pale than usual. Entering the room, the shark man was greeted with a rather interesting sight, one that made him wish he had a camera on him.

Itachi was sitting in the room, staring blankly at a wall with his Sharingans activated, mouth hanging open as if in shock.

A unique expression indeed.

"Itachi-san?" Kisame sat their food down on the table and padded over to his partner, sitting on the tatami floor. "Something wrong? Your face is turning red." It's true, the longer the Uchiha kept staring at the wall, the pinker his cheeks got. Kisame didn’t even know his partner _could_ blush.

Realizing that Kisame was in the room, Itachi turned back to his neutral expression, but his hand slowly trailed up to cover his face. Quietly muttering, "And they claim those colors clash with their hair…" What a pack of lies that was, the colors matched perfectly with the bomber. Itachi felt a rising temptation to bring it up at their next meeting… even if the price was to have Deidara’s… “womanly” form permanently etched into his memory.

"What are you talking about?" Kisame asked with a frown.

Itachi slowly shook his head, deactivating his Sharingan after Jiraiya basically asked Deidara to strip, letting the crow do its thing. "It's nothing, Kisame."

This made the older man grin, baring his sharp teeth, "Come on now, spill it out. Who were you spying on?" He knew his partner could see things from his summons, but Itachi was so secretive that he never knew what and who the birds were spying on.

Itachi sighed, reaching over and opening the container with his food, preparing the chopsticks. "Remember that... girl, I talked with a few weeks back?"

Kisame frowned. "You mean the one you made cry?" The Uchiha nodded and Kisame felt a river of dread cascade down his mind."... Itachi-san, I…" This was all his fault, wasn’t it? Itachi was a teenager, after all, and teenagers have urges. Maybe he should have encouraged Itachi to go to that one bar… The brunette serving drinks was rather pretty. "I understand you are young and always stuck with a guy like me all day, but is this really the best way to handle your-?"

"She was using a henge on her younger brother's sensei, who is a pervert, and refused to train him. I was in shock that she would do something that bold just to get him to cooperate." Itachi smoothly interrupted, not wanting to hear Kisame lecture. He took a hearty bite of rice and meat, not caring much for appearance when the risk of _Kisame_ of all people was about to tell him about his… No, just no. His mother was rather clear when he had spent time with Izumi.

Kisame relaxed, "Oh, is that all? Well, here I was getting hyped up for no reason. Come on, let's eat, you're still pale despite the pink cheeks."

Itachi gave his partner a half-hearted glare but agreed with another bite of his food.

“But… you know, if you need to get away for a few hours you can just tell me and-”

“Thank you, Kisame,” Itachi said with an uncharacteristically deep frown. If Kisame didn’t know any better, he’d say his partner was pouting.

Itachi was pouting, on the outside. 

But on the inside, Itachi was still wondering how someone like Deidara was able to bring back Uchiha Madara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man this chapter gave me a headache to fix up. For starters, I moved around the council scene so it wasn't a flashback, then there was the grammar and adding/changing up details to fix with changes from previous chapters and it was just a mess. But I got it done.
> 
> And yes, sadly, Hayate died. Back when I wrote this, I knew that saving some characters would be impossible/unbelievable, especially when some fly under Deidara's radar. I never write these kinds of stories with the idea that everyone can or will be saved, but some have a higher chance of living than others. 
> 
> Next bulk of chapters concludes the Chunin exam arc and a few other story events! Not sure when I'll be updating it but hopefully sooner rather than later. School is kicking into full-swing with midterms and presentations and it is nuts. Stay healthy my beautiful readers!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final round of the Chunin Exam.

Two weeks flew by like summer vacation. Just when you finally begin to appreciate it, it's already over.

When I returned to Konoha with Anko, the stress of what's to come tried to drill back into me, but I guess a week of hot springs made a temporary barrier. As much as I was worried about the events to come… if things stayed the same, I honestly didn't mind.

That's why I am standing before Hiruzen to tie up loose ends.

"You seem relaxed, I don't think I've seen you like this. Usually, you're a bundle of nerves." The old man chuckled as I nonchalantly stretched into the air.

"It felt good to be away from everything, now I can focus on what's at hand with a clear mind, hm." I approached his desk, eyeing the room cautiously. Can never be too careful. "Do you have all that I requested?"

Hiruzen nodded and handed me two scrolls, one sealed with his blood, the other was simply labeled "Use when Deidara is involved" and copies of all of my adoption paperwork for every chibi, Including copies for Zabuza. A smirk graced my lips as I recognized Kusagakure’s seal on a small scroll. I picked it up and unraveled it.

“Heh… called it, hm.” Kusagakure was more than willing to “gift” the unique Uzumaki child in return for Konoha’s continued protection against bandits. The scroll made a pointed effort to use Keigo when addressing the “honorable defender of Kusagakure” and expressed their wish that I would “continue the generous task of defending their humble village.” Of course, this protection was needed specifically during the harvest seasons and the colder months when rogue shinobi from the north travel southward. Karin was a “tribute” to Konohagakure and Kusagakure’s alliances.

What caught my attention afterwards was that Hiruzen even provided an extra set of paperwork for me. "You really are prepared to die, huh?" 

I let out a low, breathless chuckle as I sealed everything into a special seal wrapped around my wrist. They were kinda like Sasuke's shuriken seals when he fought Itachi… Funny, if I were to approach the previous me and tell them that I would one day grow to love and care for Sasuke…

Past me would have attacked me… with a cast-iron skillet… with thumbtacks glued to it.

Naruto I could believe, but Sasuke? Hahahahaha- no.

"If Tsunade will take my place…” I blinked out of my inner monologue as Hiruzen spoke. “Then at least I want to make sure no one can hinder your movements…" He has a point, the blood scroll contained a copy of Hiruzen's will, using my blood to keep it shut. It wouldn't be a surprise if after he died, his will suddenly "disappears" and I find Anbu at my door.

Granted, I plan on joining their ranks by next year.

I gave him a small smile, my hands beginning to fidget. "I can still prevent your death you know, a simple C4 and Orochimaru is-"

He held his hand up to silence me, "No, protect your brothers and the village. Give this old man the dignity of facing against my former student and die trying to fix the wrongs I have made.”

I just sighed, running a hand through my bangs, now a couple inches shorter and split-end free. What was with people in this world and wanting to die as some kind of repentance? "Worth asking, hm... any last-minute requests?"

He paused, his finger tapping with the urge to take a drag from his pipe., Hiruzen’s eyes had a hopeful glow, glancing up at me. "What happens… after Sasuke joins Orochimaru? The timeline you are changing. What is it you are trying to change so desperately?"

I took the spare chair in the room and sat in it backwards, resting my arms and chin on the back of it. Hiruzen scoffed, muttering something about how casual I’ve become and only made me smirk. He picked up his cup of tea and pressed the ceramic dish to his lips.

"Orochimaru becomes a- uh… parent in the future, hm.” Hiruzen straightened up, sputtering and thankfully without any tea. “But that won’t happen until... _The other_ series happens. But if we focus on only what happens after Sasuke leaves the village… well, three years from now, Shippuden begins…"

~^~^~^~^~

I think being away for a week allowed me to appreciate even the smallest of progress made by the chibis. Enough to where I could, hopefully, enjoy the fights and not be on pins and needles.

Even though I have no idea who is fighting who. Never asked, never learned.

Hiruzen assigned me as one of his guards despite not being an Anbu. This was mostly because I wanted a good angle for pictures.

Though having to respectfully bow to Orochimaru, who was pretending to be the Kazekage, was semi-painful.

"Oh? You have such a young guard Hokage-sama." I could almost hear his brain cursing me out. Yes, Orochimaru, you cannot get rid of me, I’m like that parasite that will never die.

"Deidara may be young, but he has more than proven himself to be a powerful shinobi, Kazekage-sama." I beamed at Hiruzen for the praise before bowing lowly to Orochimaru.

"It is an honor to meet you, Kazekage-sama. I hope that these exams will strengthen the bond between Sunagakure and Konohagakure and that I may, one day, call your shinobi my comrades-in-arms, hm." Now, if this was a real Kage, I would have held back the grunt, but it's Orochimaru… so he gets one.

I casually twirled on my heel and kicked the back of my trench coat out of my way. While on vacation, I stumbled upon this wonderful black leather trench coat. More form-fitted than the Akatsuki coat, but just as long, with sealed belts around my waist, and my neck… Specifically, I made sure my neck was tightly secured. I haven’t had the stomach to tell my chibis about Orochimaru’s stupid hickey, Karin and every nurse that watched over me were sworn to secrecy.

I leaned against the guardrail, zooming in on my scope. I'm grateful I decided _not_ to get a drink before this because the first match would have caused a spit take.

After Genma explained the rules, he called out the first two names, "Would Kaguya Kimimaro and Hyuuga Neji step into the arena?" Based on the chatter, this was one fight people were curious about. A supposed Hyuuga prodigy and the last of an infamous Kiri clan? No doubt Sasuke’s fight was going to be just as popular.

'This will be fine. Neither boy would actually try to hurt each other.' I thought to myself.

To be honest, I don't think they can, they care too much about each other to cause permanent damage.

Both boys got into their stances, and the dancing began.

…

Yeah, that's right, I called it a dance.

Their bodies twisted and turned with each other's steps like two dancers on a stage. Thanks to my sensing I could feel their hearts beat as one entity, they were in their own little world.

Kimimaro would occasionally shoot out some finger bones and Neji would skillfully either use a gentle fist to make a flashy burst of powdered calcium or rotation to send them flying. Based on the occasional cheers of the crowd, I could tell they were just showing off.

I heard Orochimaru comment, "They seem rather skilled."

"They're just being flashy.” I turned my head to the false Kazekage. Orochimaru had a flash of interest in his eyes. 'Did Kabuto give this idiot my warning?'

A single cough from the arena made two weeks of relaxation fly off like a peeved bird. Speaking of, where the hell was Itachi’s crow?

Snapping my head back to the boys, Kimimaro was on the ground coughing violently while Neji was hovering over him. He knew better than to touch his friend in case he made it worse.

Neji turned his head towards Genma, Byakugan activated, "Kimimaro is unable to continue. Declare me the winner, or else." When the crowd tried to encourage Neji to "Finish him off!" Neji got into his 64 palm pose towards Genma. Killing intent leaking from his body.

The bandana wearer wisely declared Neji the winner with the crowd booing.

And everyone wonders why I hate people.

"Hey Hiruzen, I'll be back, I need to be a parent, hm."

"Do as you wish, Deidara." 

Once again, being overly dramatic, I leaped off the guardrail and made a mini crater from the force of my landing. I could sense several hearts skipping their beats and the crowd went silent, adding glee to my panic.

I gently took Kimimaro into my arms, taking long strides towards the hospital, "Naruto! Stay here! I got your brother, hm! I'll try to return in time to see your fight!" I heard an "Okay, dattebayo!" from above and Neji stuck close to me.

"Deidara-san, I am so sorry, I didn't-" I cut the Hyuuga off.

"It's fine Neji, I'm grateful you stopped the match, thank you, hm." I gave the panicked Hyuuga a calm smile as I handed Kimi over to the medics. They had already set up a station for him at my request.

Once Kimi was all hooked up and put on some sleeping drugs, Neji sat by the bed. He buried his face into his hands, shoulders tense. "I couldn't let him get hurt… I… care about him." Neji seemed to be thinking wrong and he turned to me flustered, "I mean, he's my best friend and…"

I waved a dismissive hand and rested the other hand on my hip. "Don't worry Neji, I approve, hm."

"Eh?" Neji stared at me, dumbfounded. This was adorable. Wholeheartedly adorable.

I took a seat next to him and gently ran my thumb over Kimi's still hand, "Nothing Neji, nothing."

**3rd person POV**

"I hope Kimimaro is going to be okay…" Sakura gave Naruto a reassuring squeeze on his shoulder after Deidara left. The younger blond was just as worried but chose to follow his brother's orders. Having siblings seemed exhausted to Sakura, specifically brothers. Sasuke actively hates and wants to murder his, something that Sakura _really_ couldn’t blame him for. Naruto on the other hand has a brother that is constantly ill and… well… the other one is Deidara.

No matter how much she respected the teen, Sakura had to admit that her sensei was _exhausting_ to be around. She pondered how well Hinata and Hanabi got along. Surely, their sibling dynamic was... well... normal.

"Kimi-nii is strong, he'll recover, dattebayo!" Naruto tried to remain optimistic as he gave Sakura a thumbs up. The crowd was still booing and having a cow, annoying him somewhat. “Grrr… I can’t wait until I’m strong enough so I can kick all of their asses!”

Sakura rolled her eyes, which landed on red hair that, thankfully, didn’t belong to a certain Suna shinobi. She took a few steps away from Naruto so she could be seen and waved, "Karin-chan!"

"Eh? Karin, dattebayo?" Naruto never ran into Karin because of schedules, she was always with the girls by the time Naruto even got Jiraiya awake in the morning. He tilted his head as this “Karin” girl ran to them in a full sprint… yep, trains under the watch of his brother. 

Karin stopped in front of Sakura, out of breath, "I just saw what happened, why did he fight if he was ill?"

Sakura shrugged, "Kimimaro is as stubborn as Deidara-sensei, so I guess not even an illness would stop him. Boys, right?"

Karin rolled her eyes a little, worried for Kimimaro, but grateful that Sakura was trying to keep the atmosphere light, "Right…"

Naruto leaned into Karin's personal bubble. "Who’re you, dattebayo?" The poor girl quickly hid behind Sakura to get some space.

"Uzumaki… Karin…?" Karin winced.

"EH?! You're an Uzumaki too?! Why have I never met you?" Naruto skillfully dodged Sakura's blow to the head, as his yelling was rupturing her eardrums.

"Naruto, she's been training with Hinata and me, you've been off doing your own training." Sakura rubbed her ear, "How Deidara-sensei isn’t deaf by now is beyond me…"

Naruto chuckled and rubbed his head, "Heehee, sorry Sakura-chan. I'm just so excited to meet a family member, dattebayo!"

Karin blushed, "Family…?" This earns a nod from the blond and she leaves her hiding spot smiling. Family… that’s a nice word to use. She liked it… missed it.

Genma, already getting a headache, raised his hands and did a specific rhythmic clap. "ENOUGH!" The crowd went quiet, "Wow, that actually worked, Deidara-san was right… Alright! The next match is Nara Shikamaru and Temari!"

Shikamaru groaned, "Why do I have to fight…?" Before he could continue whining, Naruto slaps his back and sent the Nara off the rails and into the arena below, leaving Temari unimpressed.

The crowd became more and more enticed as the fight went on, Temari used her massive fan to blow heavy winds and Shikamaru used battle strategies worthy of a chunin. Things were getting good. Shikamaru and Temari stood before each other, trapped in the Nara’s shadow, their arms raised into the air. Then suddenly...

"To hell with it. I give up!"

…

"HE WHAT?!" The random man in the audience was enough to set everyone off. Throwing items at Shikamaru, calling him names. In the crowd, Ino was freaking out while Choji explained to her that he knew Shika would give up, being a chunin is too much work. 

Kotetsu and Izumo exchanged amused glances, they'll recommend Shikamaru not only because of his chunin level of thinking, but also to mess with the lazy kid. Even if the kid wasn’t sent out on the field, his tactical strategies, if polished, would be invaluable in the war rooms.

Shikamaru returned to everyone, only to be berated by Naruto, "What was that about?! You could have won, dattebayo!"

Shikamaru yawned, "Shut up… it would just cause more work for me."

Temari returns to her siblings, absolutely humiliated. "That bastard…"

Kankuro gave a halfhearted glare. "At least you get to fight." Of course, he was planning on giving up anyway, but to lose to Sakon within minutes of the match beginning was the worst feeling possible. The utter _humiliation_.

"Would Temari return to the arena to fight Aburame Shino?" Genma blandly stared at the Suna siblings

Temari slammed her hands on the guardrail, eyes wide, "What?! But I just fought!"

"Well, considering Dosu was found dead earlier this month, the winner has to fight two matches. So come on. Hope you have chakra pills," Genma jerked his head in a random direction. He's in the arena, so as long as he doesn't nod at the clouds, it's fairly obvious what he meant.

Temari nervously bit her lip, one look from Gaara was all that was needed to break her confidence. She needed to preserve the rest of her chakra, "I give up." Her face morphing into a glare when the audience boos again. Jerks...

Seemingly forgotten by everyone but Hinata, Shino sighed, "Guess I'm participating in the next exams then."

Hinata twiddled her fingers, "Don't worry Shino… I doubt I'll become chunin." She gave Shino a reassuring smile, who didn't react but appreciated the gesture.

"Alright, the next fight is between Haruno Sakura and Sakon."

Sakura made her way down the stairs, but stopped, noticing Ukon's head, "Is he allowed to help you fight?"

Sakon shrugged in return. "Deidara said to just go for it and to tell Genma that he can kiss my ass."

This resulted in Sakura massaging her temples, 'Deidara-sensei would say something like that…' Knowing better than to throw a fuss, the pinkette faced the twins in the arena. This was going to be easy for her, she knew how the twins fought. Honestly, this exam didn’t feel like a competition to become a chunin, or a display of power. This was just a competition to see who was Deidara’s best student! 

Huh… besides Shikamaru and the sand siblings… everyone fighting here has spent at least some time training under Deidara’s tutelage.

The moment the battle began Sakura used the Antlion technique to slow Sakon down, but sadly the boy would simply dodge the attack.

Naruto watched the fight in confusion as Sakon would keep dodging attack after attack. It was making a huge mess. How the hell was he supposed to fight with all of these sand pits? "Why isn't he fighting back, dattebayo?"

Shikamaru lazily leaned on the guardrail. "Isn't it obvious? Earth style uses up more chakra than most techniques. He's trying to wear her out… explaining things to you is troublesome…"

Karin poked Naruto’s arm timidly. “Um… if I may?” Naruto made a noise that she took as a signal to go on. “Think of each chakra nature like a cup of water, all filled to the top. Assuming you are using your given nature, like Sakura is with earth… um… Fire and lightning usually use about a fourth of the water in the cup because you move with… er… well, you don’t need things to make them. Water and wind take about half because you either have to move the water or air around you or make it yourself. Earth takes up two-thirds of the cup because you have to force the earth to move to your wants.”

“Oh, I get it now, dattebayo.” Naruto nodded in confirmation, giving the girl a large grin. “Thanks, Karin! You’re really smart!”

“You can understand fractions but you can’t understand chakra?” Shikamaru groaned, looking at his friend with a raised eyebrow. “How does that work?”

“I cook. Deidara-nii has specially made measuring cups because he hated the ones in stores, dattebayo.”

“Troublesome.”

"I'll make you something later!"

Shikamaru hummed lazily in return.

Back at the fighting, Sakura quickly swapped to taijutsu, realizing that her chakra would be depleted in no time at the rate she was going.

Sakon laughed, "You sure you want to get close to me, Sakura?" Ukon quickly joined in the fight by adding extra limbs to Sakon's attacks.

Someone yelled to Genma, "Isn't this cheating?!" A loud bark confirmed that the voice was Kiba’s.

Gemma shrugged and motioned to the twins, "It's the kid kekkei genkai, so it's as fair as letting a Hyuuga use their Byakugan and an Inuzuka their ninken. I’ll go with the rule that as long as Ukon doesn’t separate from his brother I’ll allow it. Hey, can we get a Hyuuga to watch this and make sure we’re not getting split chakras here?!"

Kotetsu jumped in surprise when Hyuuga Ko appeared beside them, Byakugan activated. The Hyuuga raised a thumbs-up in confirmation.

“Thanks!” Genma shouted back.

Sakon gave a cheer before increasing his speed, Sakura quickly found herself overwhelmed with bruises from the aggressive kicks and punches. Jumping away, she weaved hand signs and everyone stared in shock as her hand glowed green.

Naruto gapes, "What's wrong with Sakura-chan's hand?!"

Karin spoke, "It's medical ninjutsu, she's healing her bruises." The redhead felt a sense of pride as she was used for practice, and because of that, she contributed to helping her friend.

Sakura finished the battle by sending earth spires under Sakon, knocking the boy flat and trapping him in the earth.

“Alright… I’m done!” Sakon called out, sighing with exasperation. “Damnit, we’ll have to do this _again_ next year.”

In the audience area, Izumo whispered to his best friend, "We need more medical shinobi. It would be a waste to keep her a genin."

Kotetsu nodded, "But what about Sakon? He also fought well despite not using elemental jutsus."

Izumo shook his head, his pen clicking almost aggressively on his evaluation sheet. "He relies too much on using his brother in battle. Even in a two on one match he still lost to Haruno." They both thought for a moment then jotted down their notes of the fight. So far, they approved of the Nara kid and were going to consult with other jonin and senior staff about the Hyuuga and Kaguya boys. The Kaguya wasn’t going to be promoted if he was gonna keep coughing up blood all the time, so they’ll wait until after Deidara figures things out regarding him.

Sakura flattened the ground to normal and helped Sakon up, "You two okay?" She asked, nervously fidgeting with her hands, eyeing the bruises that were starting to form on the limited number of exposed skin on Sakon’s person.

Sakon patted the younger girl on the shoulder, originally aiming for her head, but after what happened to Kin in the Forest of Death, he wisely avoided it. He gave her a smirk, "You better become a chunin considering I lost to you." Ukon’s head turned over and nodded in agreement with his brother.

Sakura flushed red from embarrassment. The older boy guided her back to her friends where she was immediately surrounded and given praise. He sighed, reaching into his pocket and reread the note in his pocket, ' "When feathers float, break the sleep with a single note." '

‘Why does he have to speak in damn riddles? Just tell me to break the genjutsu on the kids.' Sakon thought to himself with an annoyed grunt. Based on Ukon chuckling, his brother agreed. Even so, the two split up so Ukon could grab them something to drink while Sakon stayed a healthy distance from the kids. He promised Deidara and Kimimaro that he’d watch over them and he’d make damn sure he’d be the best damn babysitter in the whole damn villager- wow, he says “damn” a lot.

With the chibis, Karin cheered. "You were great, Sakura!" Karin high-fived the pinkette while Hinata stood by her proudly. Naruto tried to butt in but was thrown off the platform by Shikamaru.

Having the reflexes of a cat, Naruto landed on his feet in a crouch. "What the hell you bastard, dattebayo?!"

Shikamaru sighed, "Troublesome, it's your match." He rested his chin against his palm, half-asleep within seconds.

"Eh…? My match? OH YEAH! Hey, Hinata! It's our turn, dattebayo!" The blond yelled up, waving for Hinata to join him, which she obliged with a smile. She left her large parka with Sakura, wearing a loose, black shinobi shirt with sleeves five inches wide and cut like kimono sleeves, and black mesh armor underneath. 

The crowd buzzed with heated discussions. After all, no one has ever truly seen what the Hyuuga heir can do in battle outside of her teammates, friends, and the main branch plus Neji. The only section in the audience that was completely mute, was the section that was reserved and occupied by only members of the Hyuuga clan. 

Hiashi in particular, sat with his spine erect and his expression cold, the clan didn’t need to know that he was proud, that was his business. Hanabi was closely watching her sister, studying every movement. 

"Alright Hinata, no holding back! Shadow clone jutsu!" A dozen Naruto's charged at Hinata.

The Hyuuga heiress activated her Byakugan and hit each clone with her gentle fist technique, using her chakra to poof them away. Despite the ever-growing number of clouds, Hinata could see as if the area was clear. She scanned the area, twisting her body like a ballerina on a stage, flipping and turning and ducking to evade Naruto’s onslaught of taijutsu.

'Which one is the real Naruto-kun…?' Hinata thought to herself, her palm connecting underneath a clone’s nose, a fatal move had that not been a clone. She didn’t linger on the thought for long as she tried to locate the one with the most chakra. They were too evenly distributed, perhaps Neji or her father could identify the real one quicker than her. 

So she focused on another tactic: Location.

And there was one Naruto that was farther from the rest, and not moving.

"8 trigrams... 64 palms!" Hinata ruthlessly jabbed her fingers at each of Naruto’s, the real Naruto’s chakra points. She could see as each point, a stream of blue stopped and build up almost uncomfortably so at the points. 

Naruto collapsed on the ground, unable to move. He's happy that Hinata was doing so great, but Deidara wasn’t back yet. He didn't want the match to be over so quickly.

And... he didn't want to lose.

A dark voice inside him laughed a dark, cruel laugh, " **You humans hate to lose even against those you call comrades. What a selfish mortal.** " Kurama sneered in amusement as he leaked out some of his chakra to spice up the fight. None of his previous hosts had fought a Hyuuga before, so this provided him with entertainment.

The air grew thick as red chakra spewed out of Naruto like a sprinkler, Hinata backed up seeing the chakra. It was… horrific, unyielding, and it reached out to her like a predator reaching for its prey at the end of a tunnel. It was suffocating. Deidara had told Hinata about the Kyuubi a year into her training, and that never changed how Hinata felt about Naruto. Sweet, kind, and gentle Naruto whose smile could light up the darkest of rooms. But right now… she was afraid. Afraid of the red chakra that lashed out like ethereal whips, afraid of the creature that lurked inside of the boy she loved… She was afraid _of_ the boy she loved.

Naruto climbed to his feet, eyes red with slit pupils and a snarl that was more fox-like than its usual Narutoness. His arms hung back, limp like a puppet with missing strings as he charged at Hinata, clawed nails ready to rake out her eyes-

_SNAP_

_SKREEEEEE_

The sound of metal snapping froze the area. The unholy screech of metal being forced to bend in ways it shouldn’t without tools made the area look up at the Kage platform.

Deidara had returned, and in his panicked state of seeing Naruto about to strike Hinata made him all but turn a chunk of the guardrail into a pretzel.

The teen turned to Hiruzen, "Who the _fuck_ thought it was a good idea to have them fight each other, hm?!" Deidara’s voice echoed through the still air. No one dared to move but the mothers trying to shield their children's’ ears.

Hiruzen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose while Orochimaru had to suppress a laugh. "Everyone drew numbers, Deidara. You should have _asked_ them."

“THERE’S A REASON I DON’T LET THEM SPAR TOGETHER ANYMORE YOU FOOL, HM!” Deidara turned around and his leg connected with the diaphragm of an Anbu that had hoped to grab the blond to subdue him. “I’M NOT DONE YELLING!”

Naruto blinked a few times. “Deidara-nii… Gah…!” He clutched his head, growling to himself as he suppressed the Kyuubi’s chakra, shoving it all back into the cage. He lifted his head and looked at Hinata. 

Like a mirror, both kids were wide-eyed and pale. Hinata’s eyes were glossed over with tears and Naruto was breathing heavily. They seemed to have thought the same thing: If this continues, someone was going to get hurt… permanently.

Afraid for the other's safety, in perfect sync the two-shot their hands in the air, shouting out, "I give up!"

Genma looked between the two, "Who wins then?"

"Neither of us, dattebayo!"

"We… We don't want to decide a winner if it means a repeat of what almost happened…"

The man rubbed his neck, "Well someone asked to… Gah?!" Genma suddenly found himself with two pairs of large, puppy eyes staring at him, practically pleading with him to let the match end. "Alright, just stop with the eyes. The match is a draw!"

Both ran back to their friends before the audience could throw another fit. Most were still in shock on what just happened, and the few that recovered were too excited for the final fight.

The moment the two reached the top of the stairs they were pulled into a tight hug from Deidara, "Don't scare me like that again, hm..."

"Sorry, Deidara-san…" Hinata received a kiss on the top of her head from her mentor before being released to stand by Shino.

Deidara leaned close to Naruto's ear. "You should give her a kiss on the cheek as an apology, hm."

"Wh-what?! Why should I, dattebayo?!" He sputtered, face turning a bright shade of crimson.

"It's the gentlemanly thing to do. You must thank her for a fun match, hm." Poor kid couldn't tell if his brother was joking or not. Even when he wasn’t joking, Deidara always had this… smirk, it was almost like his default face that made him impossible to read to Naruto.

"I… I guess?" Naruto gulped and slowly made his way to Hinata, not noticing Sakura and Karin going towards Deidara giggling. The teen having his scope ready.

“This is so cruel, Deidara-sensei,” Sakura giggled behind her hand.

When Naruto reached Hinata, she looked at him with confusion on her face, "Naruto-kun…?"

 _Chu_ ~

The girl’s body stiffened, red traveling up her body down until she was like a cherry, a tiny squeak emanating from her lips. Naruto almost immediately pulled away and ran back to Deidara, embarrassed. Thankfully, Shino was there to catch Hinata as she fainted on the spot.

Naruto couldn't hide his shock as he witnessed not only his brother on the floor laughing, but Sakura and Karin were giggling, using each other to steady their balance.

"You tricked me, dattebayo!"

Deidara, still dying of laughter, hugged Naruto, "S-sorry honey, b-but… pfff… we've been wanting that to happen for a long time!"

While this whole fiasco was going on, Genma received the orders to wait twenty minutes for Sasuke to arrive. The crowd got annoyed but took this time to grab snacks and use the restroom.

**Deidara's** **POV**

I'm so grateful that neither Hinata nor Naruto were injured, and I got a picture of them as well! I'll need to get Hinata some cinnamon rolls soon. She broke her record of not fainting by a total of five years!

While waiting for Sasuke, the chibis filled me in on how the fights went. 

'So Temari and Shikamaru did fight. Guess some things were meant to be. And they still act like an old married couple.' I saw both Shikamaru and Temari shiver when I gave them mischievous looks.

I will play matchmaker and you will like it!

Or… maybe not, they got along swimmingly without my influence.

"How is Kimi-nii, dattebayo?" Naruto looked up at me concerned.

I gave him a kiss on the head, "He's stable right now… he just can’t leave the bed for the moment. Don't worry… I'm going to get the best healer to tend to him soon, hm." After all… the Tsunade arc is going to arrive soon.

Hiruzen gave me permission to stay with the kids, for the time being, aware that he was sitting next to Orochimaru. The invasion was just a little bit away. I flared chakra throughout Konoha, making sure Anbu were placed at strategic points throughout the village. No one was told about the invasion -no doubt a stupid tactical error- but if word got out that Konoha knew about it ahead of time… other villages would learn about it. We don’t need the other nations thinking we planted spies in their villages.

Sasuke and Kakashi arrived mere seconds before the time ran out. "Sorry about that, are we late?"

"If you had made Duck-kun miss his match I would have blown up your Icha Icha series, hm!" I yelled at him, causing the jonin to clutch a hand over his heart. Whether he was legitimately afraid for his precious porn or was making a show, I’ll never know.

My eyes followed Gaara heading into the arena, snapping the occasional photo as the battle started. If only I could get closer and snap some dynamic shots.

~^~^~^~^~

The air thickened as Gaara’s screams came out of his sand shield. He was bleeding… Sasuke was bleeding too, but that boy was used to seeing his own blood. Gaara was terrified.

I frowned as a feather touched my nose and my eyes began to drop.

"Release, hm!" I dispelled the jutsu and quickly worked to wake up the chibis that did fall asleep, aka Naruto.

"Sakon, go protect Kimimaro, Neji is there. The rest of you find the jonin instructors. I need to protect the village, hm." Without another word, I vanished into the chaos.

My chibi are strong, stronger than they could have ever been in the original timeline. They have teamwork, chakra control, jutsu… they can handle this, hopefully with fewer injuries.

**3rd person POV**

Hiruzen stood before Orochimaru in horror as his former student reapplied his face, the barrier was set and Hiruzen was in his battle clothes. There was no way in, and there was no way out, not unless one of the two died first.

"I've been working on another jutsu that should bring back old memories… Sarutobi-sensei,” Orochimaru rasped out, laughing with mirth and clapped his hands together. Two large coffins labeled one and two rose from the roof, and a third coffin was rising but slower than the other two. 

'It's this jutsu!' Hiruzen quickly weaved hand signs and stopped the third coffin from rising, disappearing back into the roof. “What have you done, Orochimaru?!”

“You’ll see…”

The lids fell with harsh _thuds_ , and Hashirama and Tobirama stepped out of their coffins sluggishly. They were dull, void of vibrant colors, and their eyes dark with the mark of Edo Tensei. They blinked slowly as the world around them became clear, and all they saw was the older version of their former student.

"Hiruzen? You've gotten old… You managed to live at an age many never see," Tobirama stated the obvious as he tried to figure out what's going on, "Edo Tensei? This brat mastered my technique?" 

"I told you reanimation was a bad idea Tobirama, now it was used on us."Hashirama’s voice was empty of any energy or personality. Both of them were mere husks of what they once were.

Just as Orochimaru went to put the talismans in the back of their heads, Tobirama noticed something and slowly lifted his head. "Who's the kid at the other end of the roof?"

"Thanks for calling me out, Tobirama-baka, hm!" 

Hiruzen’s body went rigid, eyes wide with fear that eclipsed what he had felt for Orochimaru’s “immortality”. Deidara landed before him, a grin plastered on his face that would have given Naruto a run for his ramen that radiated false innocence.

Orochimaru on the other hand… he threw his arms in the air and let out a groan, because _of course_ , that stupid brat was here! When _wasn’t_ he around when Orochimaru was doing something?! He might as well give the child the keys to his lair because if he didn't, the Sannin was positive that Deidara would find his way in like the last time!

"Deidara! I told you to protect the village!" Hiruzen shouted as he attempted to the teen as the two Hokages watched with mild, zombie-like interest.

"And I'm 16 and always being told to act my age. Therefore, I am acting my age, by disobeying adult authority and participating in life-threatening activities, hm!" Deidara slammed his hands on his hips, nodding proudly at himself.

Tobirama eyes his brother, "He reminds me of someone…"

Hashi tilted his head, "I wonder who?" Ignoring his brother's blank stare.

 **Deidara's** **POV**

“What will it take for you to stop getting in my way?!” Orochimaru shouted and I saw as every nerve in his body was twitching. I’d bet my art that his blood pressure doubled in the span of five seconds. He honestly sounded like he wanted to find Tsunade’s secret stash and cry himself drunk.

“Your firstborn child, hm!” I declared to him loudly. I mean… it’s true in a sense. He’s only alive because I have no clue how to remove these curse hickeys and I want Mitsuki.

Orochimaru looked as if he was seriously considering the option.

“How did you get in here?” Hiruzen asked, looking as if he aged 5 years in the span of my declaration.

“Oh, the me you probably saw running into the village was a clone of mine-” I paused, an explosion going off somewhere east of our location. “Oh, that was the clone. You have some rude snakes, Orochimaru, hm.”Before any more questions could be asked, I weaved hand signs and slammed my hand on the ground, "Summoning jutsu: Edo Tensei!" Oh my, Kami I just got the shonen jump collective gasp! This is _amazing_! Pinch me, for I must be dreaming!

Due to unknown reasons, Madara's coffin appeared backwards, facing me and blocking him from other's views. I took a step to the side as the coffin lid-turned-projectile barely missed my nose by mere inches.

Madara wasn’t pleased, crossing his arms across his chest and staring down at me like I was just caught shaking Christmas presents under the tree. Why does he make me feel guilty without actually being guilty?! "Why did you summon me, Deidara?"

Tobirama and Hashirama visibly tensed.

I shrunk under his presence. "Uh… I… need help in a fight? Um... you see, Konoha is being attacked by-" I was cut off when Madara grabbed my chin and jerked my head to the side. He frowned, using his other hand to expertly -not- _r_ _ip_ off the belt and the collar of my coat popped open, exposing the curse mark at the spot between my neck and shoulder.

"What is this?" Madara growled out like a dad that found bruises on his daughter. If it wasn’t for the fact my head was at his mercy, I would have laughed. "You have a collection of cells and chakra that don't belong to you. Do not lie and claim it's a tattoo either."

I blurted out the first thing that came to mind. 

"A hickey, hm." 

Time seemed to stand still for everyone, even Orochimaru was giving me an odd look. I eyed the snake, unable to move my head from the Uchiha's grasp. "What? You bite people's necks and a giant mark appears that takes forever to hide! You invented a curse hickey, hm!" 

Orochimaru made noises that sounded like a mixture of denial and choking. Amazing how those two sound are so similar.

"Oh, so it is not an actual one. Very well." Wait, when did Madara activate his Sharingan?!

He released my chin then suddenly perked up. A large grin forming on his face, and eyes shrinking with insanity. '…Oh dear, did he sense-'

My thoughts were cut short when Madara turned 180°, smacking my face with his soft locks, and kicked his coffin down. "HASHIRAMA!"

I facepalmed, "You really like screaming out Hashirama's name, don't you Madara-sama, hm?" That sounded wrong… oh, so very wrong.

Hiruzen and Orochimaru had these expressions that read, "You've been spending time with Jiraiya or something?" While the Hokages and Madara obviously weren’t getting the joke. I covered my face to both internally die and laugh at the same time. I can't believe I said that out loud!

Madara stared at me for a solid ten seconds before returning his attention to his rival, examining him. Orochimaru took this time to shove the talismans into the Hokages' skulls and they became lifeless puppets.

Madara’s shoulders slumped, his armor clacking with the movement.

"I call Tobirama, hm!" I shoved my hands into my clay pouch. In my head, I was already calculating several strategies to get rid of him and I was _relishing_ in the visions in my head. 'Okay, he uses water but is fast as hell, as long as I keep my distance and use earth jutsu I can take him on. Hiruzen can handle Orochimaru, while Madara takes his sweet ass time in fighting his boyfriend- why is an arm wrapped around my waist? Wait, why am I being picked up? Why is Madara carrying me away like a sack of rice?!'

"What the hell, Madara?! The fights over there, hm!" Hiruzen began fighting the Hokages while Orochimaru watched me getting carried away by the infamous Uchiha. I gave the Uchiha a smack on the back of his head. “Put me down!”

Madara merely grunted, "I did not give you permission to speak to me informally. And an underpowered, mindless Hashirama is no fun. Besides, you'll be killed even fighting a weaker Tobirama." He nudged the shoulder I was draped over, his armor jabbed into my stomach, knocking the wind out of me.

I flailed in his grip while gasping for air. "Why do you care if I die?! You're summoned now, hm!"

Madara rolled his eyes, "If I leave you in here, you'll just summon me back. It’s more convenient to take you with me right away." He has a point… I would do that.

He slipped on his fox mask and activated Susano-o, this was actually pretty cool, as it gave us protection from the bug zapper that was the barrier- wait!

“But Hiruzen-!”

“If the old man wants to go on his suicide mission that’s his business,” Madara interrupted setting me down and absentmindedly fixing my coat. “My priority is to keep you alive.”

With a slight incline of his head, Madara vanished from my sights. Though an explosion of dust and screams told me he went south. I looked up at the barrier with a frown, tossing a bomb to kill an Oto shinobi stupid enough to go after me.

You’d think Orochimaru would have warned them ahead of time, but apparently not. Not that hard, besides Naruto, the only other blond shinobi in this village are the goddamn Yamanaka clan.

"Great, now what am I supposed to do?! Gah… where's Daiki, hm?"

**3rd person POV**

Even though Hashirama and Tobirama should be fighting Hiruzen, the movements had cease. The reason was plain and simple.

Hiruzen and Orochimaru just witnessed a 16-year-old reanimate the infamous Uchiha Madara.

Orochimaru was stumped, it took him years to not only perfect his Edo Tensei, but also several more years to collect the DNA of the Shodai and Nidaime Hokage. How did a brat get the DNA of an Uchiha whose body vanished off the face of the earth?! Furthermore, said brat seemed to have refined the jutsu! How?!

Hiruzen was just done, straight up done. He looked at the sky in silent prayer just before going into battle against his former student and senseis.

'Tsunade, I wish you luck. Deidara is a handful and he won't make your life easy. At least he will be on your side, he's a better friend than an enemy.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So something I should bring up now: I am not going to update Deidara's knowledge in this rewrite. Meaning Deidara knows almost nothing about the Boruto series. Boruto came out in 2017, and by the time I wrote this story, there was only about 23 episodes. I never watched/read Boruto to any extent at the time.
> 
> Everything Deidara (and I) knew as of the original publishing date of this fanfic: Every next gen child and who their parents were. About 10 minutes worth of of Boruto scenes which showed Himawari knocking her dad out, Mitsuki being an adorable cinnamon roll and Boruto being a piece of shit to his dad. I read the sequel manga where Sarada had a identity crisis with Chocho. And some little bitch named Kawaki (who I now know is... uhhh... good? Sorta?) was rumored to have caused Naruto's death. My favorite characters were Shikadai, Shinki, and Mitsuki.
> 
> I still have not, nor will I, take the time to catch up on Boruto. If the art style wasn't a total piece of trash, I'd read the manga, but as of right now I don't have the time to even look at the series. I was going to give the show a shot, but then they wasted the time-travel arc (In my opinion). The only episodes I have ever watched from beginning to end were the episodes released in December of 2017 when Kakashi kicked Boruto's ass, and that was only because I was at a friend's Christmas party.
> 
> I wanted to bring this all up because Orochimaru is still alive BECAUSE Deidara wants Mitsuki to be born. Idk if he's still a cinnamon roll in the show, if he turned into a trash character, nothing. I know he has a sage mode and there's another Mitsuki (???) but that's about it. So... yeah, that's why Deidara has not used C4 on him yet.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Invasions, funerals, truths.

**Deidara's POV**

While trying to sense Daiki in all of the chaos I decided to visit one of Orochimaru's bodyguards that were keeping the barrier up. Thankfully, the closest one was the only female with a name I could _actually_ remember off the top of my head!

"Hey Tatuya, hm!" The girl ignored me, as if not understanding that I'm talking to her. Rude. Granted she was a little bitch in the anime.

"Tatuya? Yoohoo, redhead, hm?" Is she an Uzumaki? Granted her hair is more of a pale red instead of that fiery patch of "gah my eyes are burning" red like Kushina and Karin have. It's still pretty on her. She might be several generations thinned out, kinda like how Tsunade lost all of her Uzumaki traits being third generation born of mixed blood.

Finally, the girl snapped her attention to me, pissed. "My name's Tayuya, you jackass! And how the fuck do you know my name?!"

I froze.

Her name’s Tayuya?! But I’ve been calling her Tatuya since I was 12 in my past life! No one bothered to correct my pronunciation all this time?!

Feeling my childhood crush in on itself, I shrank and began to fidget with my hands. "Sorry… I uh… I'm bad with it… names… Um… I… MASATO, I'M HAVING A LIFE CRISIS, hm!" I ran to Madara, face turning red as I felt like a complete idiot.

Madara was in the middle of a one-hand strangling someone when I rushed to his side, "You are so much like a smaller, weaker, feminine Hashirama that it is almost concerning." He broke the man's neck with a single twitch of his hand, tossing the corpse to the side so I could have his, mostly, undivided attention.

“You try being blatantly told you screwed up something that no one corrected you on, hm!” I shouted, covering my face with my hands and groaning. “I can’t believe I got her name wrong!”

“Do you know her on a personal level?”

“Eh? No, of course not. I wasn’t able to get to her when I stole Ukon and Sakon, hm.”

“Then her name shouldn’t matter. Shouldn’t you be more concerned about your brothers’ safety, rather than the name of some woman?” Madara asked, removing my hands from my face.

“They’ll be fine without me. I- Oh, there’s Daiki, hm.” Without another word I head into the village streets, Madara taking his sweet time following me.

Honestly, we're being invaded, and he's practically smelling flowers while death is raining on him. Literally raining on him, a small squad tried to ambush us from above. Keyword “tried”.

Sometimes I keep forgetting he's used to this.

Creating C1s, I chucked them at Oto shinobi that were surrounding Daiki. The brunette happily waved at me, nearly getting stabbed in the process, holy shit, I really do have to hover these people! Something tells me that Daiki was supposed to be someone that died during this arc in the original timeline… just a hunch, really.

"Daiki! Focus on the enemies dammit, hm!" A swift kick to the gut sent one of the Oto shinobi flying. Several were coming from both sides but I blocked one and Daiki the other.

"Aw come on senpai have some fun! Hey! Let me show you my special powers!" I also forgot how fast the kid talked. In the five years of being in Konoha, Daiki had developed sun-kissed skin and hair that reminded me of Shisui if he actually brushed, facial features sharpening with age and- huh, the kid is showing signs of peach fuzz. Wonder if that’ll happen to me one day.

I internally snort at his excitement but nodded anyway. My thoughts found this entire thing humorous. 'Let me guess. Did he discover a new shuriken jutsu? Or maybe phoenix flower jutsu? He is a fire user after all. Or is it-'

"Scorch Release: Extremely Steaming Murder!"

Wait what? 

My jaw fell slack as Daiki created flying orbs of mini suns that gently tapped the Oto shinobi like a cat gingerly poking water. I heard of scorch release, but considering I barely remember the war, all I could vaguely recall was that some chick from Suna used it.

I watched in horror and mind interest as the bodies were rapidly evaporated of their liquids, crumbling into mummified husks. Madara kept his distance, but even I could tell behind his mask that he was impressed.

Note to self: Do not become Daiki's enemy.

The green-eyed boy jumped up and down in front of me, his entire being was screaming out, "Praise me! Notice me senpai! Be impressed!" as my mind was trying to focus on anything _but_ the bodies.

"I…" I gulped, while also gaining newfound respect for the boy. "Good job Daiki, you'll become a jonin in no time, hm."

I was caught in a tight hug, "Thank you senpai! I wanted to show you but I was worried I would accidentally hurt you! Seeing my jutsu meant a lot to me senpai!" I can't breathe.

"Y-yeah, great kid... P-please stop killing me with your hugs!" Daiki quickly set me down- wait a minute why is he taller than me?! I just noticed that he was a few inches taller than me. To be specific, the top of my forehead reached his bottom eyelids.

… I’m going to be shorter than most of the males in Shippuden… and at least half of the females.

Being short is going to _suck_.

"Where to now senpai?" That was a very good question. I didn't want to interfere with Naruto's fight, I can sense that he just summoned Gamabunta. A sharp wave of pain on my neck reminded me that Orochimaru was still alive and that my loved ones were not safe yet.

"I need to get to the hospital, Kimimaro is there, hm." Before Daiki could respond, I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and leaped away just as two giant snakes destroyed the building beside us. "Aw come on, Orochimaru! I love snakes, and now I have to kill some?!"

"This is child's play." I gave Madara an annoyed sideways glance as he activated his Mangekyou Sharingan. Before I could tell him to back off, he summons his Susano-o, not his perfect one with the tengu face, just a normal one.

I am pretty sure everyone within a mile radius is either watching this thing form in awe or pissing themselves. Very few shinobi have ever seen an Uchiha's Susano-o, even I’m pretty thrilled to witness one in person, nevermind the fact that I had seen this just a few minutes ago.

"If this is child's play, then be an adult and let the children have their fun, hm!" Wanting to show off, I pulled out Drogon from my pouch and poofed him into his full size.

Remember how I said some shinobi were pissing themselves? Well, now some are shitting themselves.

I heard Madara give a half-assed chuckle while standing by Drogon, deactivating his Susano-o, "Then show me your abilities. I’ve never witnessed this type of kekkei genkai before.”

"That's because I'm the only shinobi alive that can do this, hm! Daiki! Get off Drogon, it's gonna get messy and I don't need your guts getting in my hair!" Adrenaline pumped through my veins and I couldn't stop the grin spreading across my face. Is this what Deidara would always feel when using his masterpieces?

"Right senpai!" He leaped off as the two snakes coiled around Drogon.

Focusing my chakra into my feet so I didn’t fall off. I let the sculpture tumble and bite at the snakes, ripping off the head of the smaller of the two.

The bigger snake was significantly more intelligent, getting out of Drogon's bite range and focusing its attention on me. But the reptile seems to have forgotten one teeny tiny detail: wings.

With a powerful stroke, Drogon flew into the air, clamping its claws into the snake's body as we went higher and higher into the air. I had to grip onto the earthy scales so I didn't fall off. Using my scope, I zoomed in on various locations to gauge how much longer the invasion will last.

The roof where Hiruzen and Orochimaru are at was like a mini forest, but otherwise still, it's so tinted that I could barely make out Hiruzen and Orochimaru at a standstill. Their fight was almost over, Hiruzen won't last for much longer.

Turning my head more westward, Naruto had transformed Gamabunta into the nine-tailed fox and was slowly making his climb to Gaara. Well, Panda-kun is gonna get the Headbutt of Love soon, so I can hug him later.

"Phew… things seem to be almost over, hm." Of course, there is still the fact that a giant snake is trying to eat me.

Down below, I heard Daiki call out to me, "Senpai! Kill that thing with your pop-art!" 

'He said the line… he said the line! Holy shit I can use the phrase! Daiki, I love you right now… like a brother.' My whole body shook with excitement as I leaped off Drogon, which made Daiki scream because, well, I’m falling.

"Daiki! Understand this! Pop is dead. My art is super-flat, hm!" I weaved my signature hand sign as my creation flew higher into the air, keeping the snake in its grasps.

Fun fact about Drogon...

"KATSU!"

It's a C3.

The world went quiet for only half a second before the air erupted into a stream of fire, spreading out into a dome-like cloud of reds and oranges. The force of the blast increased the speed of my falling and I quickly grabbed some clay to make a bird so I could get to safety.

Or I would if a certain Uchiha hadn't stolen my thunder and caught me in the air.

"Hey gramps, I had this under control, hm." I pouted at Madara who ignored me and landed onto the ground, creating a crater several meters deep.

"You use too much chakra when you're being flashy." Says the guy that calls everything a dance! "Battle is a form of art."

Oops, didn't mean to say that out loud.

Daiki ran up to me, about to say something when a raspy voice beat him to the punch. "Kid, you okay?"

Turning my head, Haku and Zabuza were running towards us. I waved at the pair and grinned. "Hey guys, did you see my art, hm?"

"See it? You couldn't miss that from outside the village. What happened?" Zabuza raised a non-existent eyebrow, also noting the masked poofy haired shinobi practically hovering me.

Haku left Zabuza's side and stood in front of me, "Deidara-san, are you alright? You're not injured?" 

I let out an unmanly squeal and dramatically hugged Haku, rubbing my cheek against his head. "Ooooh, you're so sweet! Yes, I am fine, hm!" Haku really should have seen this coming, I smother him every time he is within arms reach. Though the lack of struggling indicated that the shorter teen didn't mind.

While still holding the ice muffin, I looked at Zabuza, "Had any problems?" Granted that was a stupid question, his damn sword is stained red!

"Haku took care of most of the problems. We stunned the Suna but killed the Oto." Meaning Haku did the stunning and he did the killing, fair enough.

"Alright, thanks, you two. The invasion is almost over so go help out any injured people please, hm." I let Haku go and the two vanish back into the chaos.

"What was that about senpai?"

I glanced back to Daiki, softly shaking my head, "Nothing kid. Nothing, hm."

I quickly headed out to the hospital, what amused me was that the only ones that got in our way were Oto shinobi. In fact, I think my little artistic display scared the Suna shinobi into backing off entirely.

Reaching the room where Kimimaro was in, I knocked on the door, ignoring the... either unconscious or dead bodies of enemy shinobi. "Neji, open up, hm."

I heard him activate his Byakugan, "How do we know you are the real Dei-"

"Hun, don't play that bullshit with me. You can see my goddamn chakra, now let me see my brother before I kick your skinny ass, hm." The boy wisely threw the door open. Daiki and Madara followed me into the spacious room.

Kimimaro was still asleep, and the twins were watching the fights from the window. Sakon nodded at me. "Nice fireworks display. Think you can add more color next time?"

I snorted, "Only if you help me test them. How's Kimimaro?" I sat by my brother's bed. He was breathing at the very least.

Neji folded his arms, glaring at Daiki and Madara with skeptical eyes. "He is stable. But moving him could kill him. We've had a few people from Otogakure try to get in to collect Kimimaro… the twin's kunai should be enough explanation on what happened to them." He jabbed his thumb at the smirking pair.

Madara took one sweep of the room then leaped out the window to have more fun outside. We sat there in silence, the only sounds in the room were from Kimimaro's heart monitor, and the occasional yell outside. Daiki had fallen asleep at some point but I couldn’t pinpoint when.

A familiar set of footsteps sent me to my feet, along with everyone else as they could not feel what I felt.

Hiashi stepped into the room, his facial expression visibly relaxed upon seeing his nephew unharmed. Hanabi was quietly standing behind him, still giving me the stink eye. I returned the look with a smile and a wave, palm mouth grinning.

"Hiashi-sama, what brings you here, hm?" 

The Hyuuga sighed, obviously tired from the fighting, "The invasion is over, we won."

~^~^~^~^~

The outcome was still the same. Naruto talk-no-jutsued Gaara's evil out and Suna surrendered while Oto fled. According to the Anbu, Orochimaru lived and had his arms sealed. Gaara left before I could talk to him, but I can visit Suna whenever I want.

And Hiruzen…

I stood next to Naruto as the funeral took place. I kept my hair down and in a braid for this occasion, running my hand through my brother's spiked locks as he was unable to truly understand the situation. It began to rain as the village elders spoke out their farewells and Konohamaru's quiet sobs reached my ears. The rain pelted us like hail, ice cold spires hitting every pressure point just right that it stung. Even the sky mourned for Hiruzen.

I guess some things I cannot change no matter how I plan things out. There seemed to be a barrier around me as everyone's grief bounced away from me. I cannot feel broken at a funeral. They're dead, at peace, loved ones surrounding them as everyone said their final goodbyes.

I don't mourn in groups.

I gave Kakashi a pleading look as I needed to get out of this environment. A single nod from the jonin had me silently leave the area with my head bowed low.

Everywhere I went there was nothing but grief. There was nowhere I could go that didn't have someone mourning either a lost loved one, or angrily expressing their hatred for Otogakure. Sunagakure was cursed, but not to the extent of Otogakure, Anbu were monitoring the village grapevine. The damage was minimized, civilian casualties were non-existent. But there was still a son or daughter that would never come home, someone lost a parent… a sibling… or a friend. 

I watched as names were carved into the Konoha Memorial Stone.

I ended up finding myself on a rooftop staring at an ever-growing puddle. I focused my entire being on my breath as my body shivered from the cold, unforgiving rain. 

'This is only the beginning in a series of deaths,’ I thought to myself, ‘I just know it… Hiruzen wanted this to happen… I just have to keep moving forward with the plan…"

Tsunade was coming home soon, I'm running out of time. Once… once Shippuden came it would be like a boulder rolling a steep mountain, and I had to be ready to catch it.

A voice spoke above me. "So, you knew this was going to happen?"

I flinched and turned to see a serious expression plastered on Jiraiya's face. Biting my lip, I give him a timid nod then returned my attention to the puddle.

I heard the man sigh, "Look, kid, let's get out of this rain. Won't do you well to get sick."

Remembering the last time I was ill I slowly got to my feet and followed him to a tea shop. The lady running it took one look at me, recognized my face from the many visits I've had there with Anko, noticed I'm dripping wet, and did not hesitate to get me a towel. She was always kind like that, never once caring about my backstory, even accepted Naruto when I brought him in one time for sweets.

I put my hair into a towel turban and quietly drank my tea as Jiraiya stared me down. Why is it that every time I actually talk one-on-one with adults, they have to stare me down? I never lose these.

"How much do you know about me, hm?" I asked behind my cup of tea.

"What do you think I know?" Oh no, I am _not_ going to play that game. I'm 16, not 5, if you want to play it right, you'll need the Sharingan to get information from me.

"Just tell me what Hiruzen told you… please, I don't think I'm mentally… all there for games…" I rested my head in my arms as Jiraiya finally sighed.

"Well…"

~^~^~^~^~

**3rd person POV**

"Why is an S-ranked criminal like Deidara raising Naruto, Sensei?!" Jiraiya was furious. He just learned that his godson was being raised by someone who, not only completely vanished from the bingo books a few years back but is now a jonin in Konoha! What was his fool of a Sensei thinking?!

Hiruzen exhaled, a heavy sound, one that Jiraiya couldn’t pinpoint the exact emotion. "Deidara has been taking care of Naruto since he was eleven and the boy was six. He waltzed into the village, was questioned and observed for a month… after that, we had no issues." The nonchalant shrug of his shoulders didn't seem to calm the other man's nerves.

"None? At all?" Jiraiya scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest and looked outside the window. The only reason Hiruzen even agreed to this conversation was that the teen was on vacation. What was Deidara’s game? Was he blackmailing Konoha? If he was... with what?

"Jiraiya…” Hiruzen sighed out, rubbing his forehead. “Deidara is… a special case. One that allows him to do everything he does, like bringing in Zabuza of the Seven Swordsmen, or constantly butting heads with Orochimaru." Which reminded Hiruzen that he needed to make copies of the adoption papers for the former Kiri shinobi. Hiruzen was rather fond of Zabuza’s adopted son, the boy had talent and it was shameful of Kirigakure to try and slaughter innocents for their kekkei genkai. “At least half of the orphans he’s taken in have involved Orochimaru.”

"But the kid is- wait he's been doing _what_?!" The toad sage has been trying to track down Orochimaru for years, and this kid is just... encountering his old friend? And his Sensei was treating it like it’s a casual meet-up?! "And he’s been bringing in _who_?!"

Hiruzen inhaled from his pipe, "As I said, he is a special case. He knows things."

Jiraiya snorted, "Like what? The future? That's crazy!" He laughs, only for it to quickly die down when he saw his teacher was not laughing, "... You're serious aren't you?"

The old man nods, "Very… he has more than once proven it. Surely he has mentioned a few things to you already."

There was a pause. 

"He mentioned Minato and Kushina… For a second, I thought he actually was related to the kid, he had the blond hair and blue eyes of the Namikaze clan." 

Hiruzen slowly got up from his chair and went to the window, looking down to see families shopping, shinobi running this way and that. The village he worked so hard to protect.

He briefly looked back at his student, "Talk to Deidara when you can. He should explain everything… everything that I will not be around to say."

~^~^~^~^~

**Deidara's POV**

"So, did you know that he was going to die?" Jiraiya took a sip of his tea while I collected my thoughts. His nose wrinkled at the bitter liquid.

"Yes… I did, hm." The confession brought a tidal wave of shame. I could have prevented this all… I could have killed Orochimaru. But I didn’t. I chose to not kill him.

"Then why weren't you there to help him? He would be alive right now if he had help." 

"I was but… it's…" I sighed. "Complicated… He wanted to face Orochimaru alone, I disobeyed… and one of my jutsu forced me to leave the battlefield, hm."

Jiraiya’s eyes hardened. "You know of a future I'm guessing? That's why you're getting involved with Naruto's and other's lives. You want to change what you know. It’s pretty obvious, given you suddenly went from a bomber for hire to the village’s babysitter of orphans and clan heirs. No one suddenly wakes up and decides they’re going to blackmail a village leader to the point where they can do whatever the hell they want in the village."

No one suddenly wakes up with enough information _to_ blackmail a village leader. That was what Jiraiya meant. 

“I promise I’ll explain everything…” I paused, undoing the towel turban and letting my hair flop over my head and shoulders. “Soon. I’ll explain everything soon. But not now… not today…”

Not here, in an open tea shop/

Jiraiya nodded "You know... The Great Toad Sage once told me that 'a child of great knowledge is changing the very timeline itself' or something of that matter. He knows a lot of things."

I raised a brow. So… am I supposed to go to the old toad for answers? Would Jiraiya even willingly bring me there? With my powers? ”Why did you get involved with Naruto?” Jiraiya asked, the subject changing like the crack of a whip. “You know who he is and the dangers involved, especially considering your past record I would have thought you wouldn't care." He crossed his arms. 

My eye twitched. Did he just…? He dared to…?

No.

"My past record?" I placed my hand on my chest, " _M_ _y_ past record? Well, excuse me for being the only person in this goddamn world that was willing to take him in, hm! Kami forbid you failed at doing so despite being his fucking godfather." 

His eyebrows narrowed, "What do you mean-?"

"Do you know what Naruto's life was before I showed up? Nobody would adopt him. He got kicked out of the orphanage then everyone treated him like dirt and belittled his existence! He was so hungry for love that someone that he barely knew for a few minutes," I pointed at myself, "was able to swoop in and raise him, hm."

Jiraiya’s posture tensed, his eyes widened and he set the teacup down. He scanned my features and his lips pursed like he swallowed a bad lemon. “I should have checked on him…”

"Yeah, you should have. Where the hell were you, hm?" My voice became a low growl as I moved to stand before the sage. There wasn't any need to keep a table between us. "Where were you when Naruto was born, when Kushina-san was at her most vulnerable? Where were you when no one wanted him?! He was abandoned and forced to fend for himself! Where were you, when an S-rank criminal walked into Konoha and took him in, hm!?" As if the universe was on my side, a clap of thunder and lightning struck as I slammed my hand on the table, sending the room into a temporary glaze of white light.

“Where the hell were you when he was alone and defenceless?!”

"I was a spy for Konoha! I was investigating Orochimaru's movements and the Akatsuki!" Jiraiya protested, shouting back with a shake in his voice. “Do you know how hard it is to be a spy?!”

Oh, I know. _Itachi_ is a spy and yet, despite being in the more precarious situation, he has enough common sense to check on his goddamn brother!

“And writing that shit you call a romance. You can summon toads and you didn’t even send a low-chakra one to check on Naruto to make sure he was safe… you have _no_ excuse. Did you know that the Akatsuki has been wanting me to join for years? Enough so that they tried to _kidnap_ me, hm?” I waited, just a few breaths, waiting for the words to sink into his thick skull. 

“Did the thought ever occur to you… what might have happened had I actually joined?” I asked with a weak laugh in my throat. This was… so stupid that it was funny- no, hysterical. These people are so, so _STUPID!_ “How marvelous of an actor I would have been. Gain Hiruzen’s trust… free roam the village… kill the Anbu that used to guard my little kit. How easy it would have been to promise him a _family_ and love if he just… followed me into the forest late one night, don’t you think? The Akatsuki couldn’t take the Kyuubi right away, but imagine, hm.”

I sat back down in my seat, raising my arms in an arch, like I was displaying a picture. Jiraiya’s face was already horror-stricken, but now the color was draining from his face.

“The Kyuubi no Jinchuuriki, abused and unloved by the village he was meant to protect, suddenly gaining brothers, uncles, a couple aunts or big sisters, hm. They train him, mold him into a wonderful shinobi that would do _anything_ for his beloved family, even kill," I said with my visible eye wide and innocent, my lips puckered out and my voice in a dramatic pouty tone that oozed false pity. "Then… on his 15th birthday, he’s called to a meeting… and Uzumaki Naruto would enter the meeting, and a smiling corpse would leave. He would have been more than willing to sacrifice himself to ensure his family would have the power to save orphans like him from being abused, hm.”

I leaned forward, resting my elbows on the table. The bile threatening to leave me was nothing compared to the smirk I could see through the glaze of Jiraiya’s eyes. “That… is what you risked by being absent in his life… That could have, _would have_ happened, if my mindset was just a tiny bit different, hm.”

If I had been reincarnated before the manga had completed... 

If I had been reincarnated before knowing Pein would die…

If I had been reincarnated… before stepping into the light after my life reached its darkest point.

Taking a deep breath, I relaxed my tight voice, "Please understand that every action has a consequence…" I placed a hand on the curse mark. It pulsed erratically, as if Orochimaru’s heartbeat was residing in me. It _was_ residing in me, a Horcrux of chakra rested on my shoulder. "Naruto is my brother now, and… I can't make you do anything… but please, talk with Naruto. Tell him about his parents, hm."

Jiraiya spoke, his voice dry and his eyes round. "You haven't told him?"

"I have no right to do that. He needs to hear it from someone who knew Minato-san and Kushina-san on a personal level, hm." 

The Sannin gives me a long, thoughtful look, "Alright, I want to make things right with the kid. Guess I should start with telling him the whole truth…" He straightened. "How much do you know about the Akatsuki?" 

Desperate to change the subject, huh?

I am too.

Without lifting my head, I pulled out the Notebook of Doom. It's thicker than it was five years ago, new information written in dark green ink rather than black. 

"I've got enough dirt on people to bury them at least 4 feet under. The Akatsuki, it's 12 feet under, per member and I'd have some extra to build a little mound on their graves, hm." My hand became empty as Jiraiya snatched the book.

I watched as he breezed through the notebook, his face becoming more and more confused as the only thing he understood were my drawings. It didn't help that everything was out of order. Tenten and Kakuzu's pages are back to back whereas Hidan is way near the ending with Kiba and Killer B.

"I… don't understand this language," He grumbled. "What's up with the green ink?"

I took the book back, "It's written in my code, to keep people from learning my secrets, hm." I pocketed the heavy book in my clay pouch. "The green ink is updated information about this timeline. Every new jutsu my students know, their growth progress, new hobbies. You know, stuff, hm."

"Stuff," Jiraiya repeated.

Checking the time, I slowly rose from my seat and bowed at a 90° angle. "I apologize for my anger, Jiraiya-sama. But I must excuse myself. I need to prepare dinner for Naruto, hm."

Jiraiya stood and shock ran through my body as he patted my head. "I needed the scolding kid, so don't apologize for something that I should have heard years ago." I straightened my back to see his trademark grin on his face.

My shoulders relaxed. "Right… oh, when you need to find the new Hokage, I'll always be nearby when you have to find her." I left the teashop and Jiraiya was left there wondering who I was talking about.

~^~^~^~^~

**Side story #8 Madara**

Everyone was busy trying to recuperate from the sudden attack. Even as the dead were being buried, and Hiruzen's funeral was being finalized, the village still moved.

I'm no medic, nor am I useful in terms of rebuilding. The most I was in charge of was using my explosions to tear down broken buildings so they could be replaced and being sent on high paying missions. So the moment I had free time, I went to the one place that I was certain no one would have the nerve to spy on me.

"Summoning jutsu: Edo Tensei." I summoned Madara just outside of the Naka shrine. When he gave me a puzzled look, I motioned for him to go inside. "We need to be in the room with the stone tablet. I don't want us to be overheard or interrupted, hm."

Madara didn't respond, and instead walked inside and used his Sharingan to take us into the stone tablet room. "What did you want to talk about?"

I tapped my head, "Can your Sharingan enter my memories, hm?"

The Uchiha folded his arms across his chest. "Are you underestimating my abilities?"

I waved my hands in front of my face. "Nononononono, Madara-sama! It's just the anime and manga never delve too deep into your ocular powers. Itachi was able to watch my memories, so I thought you could too, hm."

He stood there, quietly watching me break into a cold sweat. "Sit down, I will view them myself."

I immediately obeyed and sat down in a lotus pose. Best to give him a warning about my brain, "Avoid the fanart, fanfiction, MMDs, and doujinshis, whatever you do, hm."

He scoffed… he fucking _scoffed_ , "Do not order me around, Deidara." His eyes spun and I was caught in his genjutsu.

I have a weird feeling he wasn't going to listen.

~^~^~^~^~

There was no clock, I had no sense of time in this room. The only movements were Madara's occasional facial change as he watches something and my own breathing. I didn't like this process, I had no idea what he was looking at. It was like walking into your bedroom, only for every fiber of your being to know someone was snooping through your things. 

It was unsettling.

Eventually, Madara cut the genjutsu with a jolt of his body. I collapsed to the side as I violently breathed in air from the sudden freedom. My muscles ached, screamed at me for being still for so long.

"So that was the true you… You had an older sister?"

He really looked through my actual memories?! Seriously?!

I stared up at him but nodded. "Besides snooping my private life, were you satisfied with what you saw, hm?"

Madara slowly turned to face the stone tablet. "The Moon's Eye Plan… Infinite Tsukuyomi... it was all a lie. Peace was at my fingertips… that damn plant and his 'mother'..." His hand slowly trailed up to rest his face in it, a deep sigh escapes his lips. "I will want to see more later. I focused on the 'end' of the supposed original timeline. Staying in that genjutsu any longer would have harmed your mind and body."

I breathed out a sigh of relief as I slowly got to my feet, shaky. "That's good, you can view the rest later, hm." My knees buckled and Madara shot an arm to catch me. I looked up at him and saw his face twisting, going from regret to annoyance as the seconds passed. "Madara-sama?"

"Your mind organizes things in a unique process, like files… Why did I keep finding…" He grimaced, like the next words he was about to say would bring him physical pain. "Artwork and… literature? Of me and Hashirama-"

"I told you not to look at the fanart and fanfiction, hm!" I shouted, my arms flailing animatedly.

The Uchiha inhaled, as if containing his anger, "Why was there so much-?" 

I cut him off again.

"Stop talking about it! Why do you Uchiha insist on snooping?! I said to not look at it for a reason, hm!" Oh, kami, I could handle the situation when Itachi snooped, because he's only a couple of years older than me, so it felt normal.

This was like trying to explain to your parents that the scene in an anime was just a girl eating, and not porn because of the sounds they made.

Only this time, Madara _found_ the yaoi.

I covered my face with my hair and hands. "Please don't ask, the Naruto community pairs you two together. In fact, they pair _everyone_ together. You should see what they do with..." I gestured to myself.

"I did." 

My heart stopped. Oh no did he find the stuff about Tobi or-

"So, Deidara," Madara started, his hand on my head and forcing my eye to meet his. His voice tight like he found something he didn't want answers to but was obligated to know, "who is the redhead?" 

THAT'S EVEN WORSE!

"WOULD YOU STOP WITH THE QUESTIONS?!" I summoned his coffin back and all but slammed it shut on him.

"We're not done with this conversation," He said, pushing the lid to the side, only for me to slam it… on his fingers.

"Yes, we are! Ask me another time, Madara-sama!" I quickly poofed the coffin away before he could break the lid open.

I didn't leave the shrine until well into the late of night, stewing my brain until it boiled. Oh Kami, how much did he see?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! A lot happened in this chapter. Daiki has a kekkei genkai, Deidara yelled at Jiraiya, and Madara discovered yaoi!
> 
> Soooo... When I posted this story on Ao3, I did an experiment. I left in Tayuya's name as "Tatuya" in chapter 12 to see if anyone would correct me. No one did. The same thing happened on fanfiction.net. The only reason why I learned that Tayuya's name was spelt like that because when I first wrote this story, I was looking up the Sound Ninja Four to refresh my brain on everyone's names and abilities. This chick is so forgettable that I went from age 12 to age 19 without ever once hearing her name correctly and auto-reading her name in the manga (which is only mentioned MAYBE 2-3 times) as "Tatuya".  
> ... Kishimoto is really, really bad at writing female characters.
> 
> Anyway, I redid Deidara's conversation with Jiraiya because when I read it today, I didn't like it. It didn't... have the same sadistic impact that normally would have came from my mind, probably because I wrote most of these chapters on my cellphone while on a bus. To be frank, if I had written this story when I was in early middle school, Naruto would have been killed and the Akatsuki would have won. I was in a dark space in my mind, not that "oh, I'm so edgy, look at how dark I am!"-middle school phase. I'm talking "I faked emotions and laughter just so no one would worry about me"-dark. So, Deidara is literally concerned why Jiraiya never checked on Naruto because all it would have taken was for the reincarnation to have happened a few years earlier for Naruto to be dead. So... yeah, that Madara side-story was written originally because I was so bummed finishing this chapter that I needed to end on a lighter note, and it's staying because I somehow made the chapter even more depressing.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Itachi and Sasuke reunite.

Kami forbid do I hate escort missions. The son of a daimyo had decided to stay in Konoha longer than others and paid for an escort. For some reason, I got stuck with the guy. Usually, I would take my clients on one of my birds to make the travel faster, but this guy had to be in one of those stupid boxes, carried by servants.

It didn't help that the entire time, he thought I was a woman with a deep voice.

My trench coat, I had noticed one day, gave me a feminine figure with how it hugged my body. An ironic statement because my shoulders were broad and my head shape was masculine. Oh well, I told him I was engaged.

It was a lie but… it shut him up!

I reached Konoha and stretched until my spine let out a symphony of pops. "Finally, that stupid mission is done with. I need to double-check Naruto's bag, maybe some laundry, hm..." On the way back to the village, one of Jiraiya's toads informed me that he was taking my brother to hunt for Tsunade.

What stopped me from heading to my apartment was a bunch of familiar heartbeats and one I didn't recognize. "Huh… I thought they showed up after Naruto left… oh well, hm."

I took a deep breath and leaped into some trees to find the artificial river. A big grin broke out on my face.

**Kakashi's POV**

'He's fast, too fast…' I'm close to blacking out as I just left Uchiha Itachi's genjutsu, my legs hitting the water with a solid _thud._ Asuma and Kurenai were crouched down by me with their eyes closed.

"What happened, Kakashi? One moment you were telling us to close our eyes, then suddenly you collapsed!" Asuma's words brought a chill down my spine.

'It's only been a few seconds…? But it felt like days… how powerful is this kid…?' Just as my vision became hazy, a familiar voice rang out from the treeline and brought me back to attention. If only barely.

"ITACHI, hm!" 

Oh no… I knew that verbal tic anywhere. Asuma and Kurenai opened their eyes and the three of us looked at the Akatsuki pair. A flash of yellow and black whipped past us and latched onto Itachi's arm. I still wasn't used to that coat, but that ponytail gave his identity away.

"Deidara." My eyes widen. That sounded… sounded like a greeting! Itachi wasn't attacking Deidara, if anything, he _relaxed_ at the sudden presence of the blond. 

I groaned from both exhaustion and… _this_. Great, Deidara is involved. Just great… Maybe I should take up Anko’s offer for a night of drinking… maybe just for a few… bottles.

"Itachi, why the hell didn't you tell me that you were going to Konoha? Seriously, I would have greeted you at the gate, hm." Didn't the kid have a mission though?

Asuma and Kurenai were gaping at how casually the teen was talking with the missing-nin, actually, it sounded more like scolding. Deidara never had much in the way of self-preservation.

I just sighed, 'Why am I not surprised? Wait… something seems off about the scenery… oh no…' I must be close to passing out because behind the pair was a dramatic sunset and a flurry of sparkles. No one seemed to notice the twinkling lights shining around them as Deidara scolded Itachi like they were long-time friends.

Knowing Deidara… they probably were- that _crow_. 

Sounds were slowly buzzing in my ear, Deidara said something that made Itachi smirk. I can barely hear them, but I swear, those sparkles were multiplying and some were turning into roses.

"LEAF HURRICANE!"

Oh, it's just Guy's chakra causing the effect… and there is the darkness with water hitting my face.

**Deidara's POV**

I quickly pulled Itachi away as Kisame was sent flying backwards by Guy's kick. I was so focused on the Uchiha that I didn't realize Guy was on his way.

Kisame landed on his feet and jerked his head towards Guy, "Well, who have we here?" 

It’s the scene.

"Konoha's noble, fierce animal, Might Guy!" I need to meet his dentist, his tooth just sparkled!

"I want sparkling teeth…" I muttered.

"Please don't consider it," Itachi replied, voice just as soft. I smacked his chest with the back of my hand.

“Shut up, Uchiha, and let me dream, hm.”

Kisame straightened his back, "You're Might Guy huh? Mighty stupid-looking Guy." I covered my mouth to suppress a chuckle, Itachi was anything but amused. Who can blame me though? He said the best line the dub ever gave him.

"Kisame, do not underestimate that man… and besides, we must leave." Itachi shifted his attention to me, "Lead the way, Deidara."

"Huh... my youthful friend, why are you latched to the Uchiha's arm?" Guy quickly grabbed Kakashi before he could sink into the water.

“It’s related to that thing we talked about at my apartment.” Guy frowned, but nodded, adjusting his grip on Kakashi. I waved to the group of jonin. “I got this, guys! They won't cause any more problems… I think, hm." I eyed Kisame warily. "Anyway, make sure no Anbu bothers us please!" Without another word I grabbed Kisame's arm and proceeded to drag him away with Itachi following. I could hear Guy avoiding Asuma and Kurenai's questions as he took Kakashi to the hospital.

Kisame spoke to Itachi as we leaped through trees. "Care to explain to me why I am allowing a kid to drag me somewhere, Itachi-san?" The fact he isn't trying to kill me is a miracle in itself.

"Remember the girl I kept talking about?" Wait… who said what now? I gave the Uchiha a glare.

"Itachi-san…” Kisame sighed out five years of his lifespan. “This is a guy dragging me." Thank you! "We need to have a long conversation on this, huh?" 

Oh, I volunteer to help!

"If it brings you any comfort, I taught sex education to about… er… 80% of the clan children in Konoha above the age of 10, hm," I chirped out. Technically, I told Naruto who told Shikamaru and Kiba who told Ino and Choji who Ino went to Sakura and found out Sakura already knew, then I had to tell Karin, the twins, Haku -cause Zabuza sure as hell wasn’t- and Kimimaro educated all of Team Guy, but who’s counting, right? 

"... Shouldn't that be taught at the academy?" Kisame asked wearily.

"Yep!" I answered, popping the p. "Kids in Konoha don’t learn it in public education until a week before graduation. If you want to learn it earlier than that, you gotta hear about it from an adult, read it from a book, or find porn, hm.”

"Please stop talking about this…" Itachi murmured. He had a very un-Uchiha, very un-Itachi-like expression on his face, eyes wide with horror and the rest of his face was borderline kicked-puppy. Well then, I’m going to assume he accidentally witnessed Sasuke being conceived.

We ignored him.

"I’m concerned for this village,” Kisame said with slow blinks. “What else should I know about Konoha?”

“Hm… we swap Hokages like Kakuzu-san swaps partners,” Kisame laughed while Itachi looked like he was regretting this trip. “Ibiki is afraid of me, oh and we have some of the best damn ramen in the Five Great Nations, hm.” Kisame and I bore matching grins, aww yeah, ramen!

"Where are we heading, Deidara?" Itachi asked in a desperate move to change the subject.

"Duck-kun is painting, so I need to bring you two to where he paints, hm." This only furthered the Uchiha's confusion when we arrived at the compound.

I interjected his question that was threatening to spill out. "He doesn't live here… but he ran out of room for all of his art supplies. Better to use one of the houses for something rather than let them get dusty, hm."

It took weeks to clean up the place and despite no one living in the compound, Sakura and the girls took it among themselves to plant some greenery around the area- shockingly, Ino wanted in on the project too. The once lifeless compound flourished with flowers as tall as the fencing, seasonal vegetables and herbs, and I'm pretty sure there were medical herbs surrounding the plants to keep bugs away. Karin didn't like to get dirty, but she jumped at the opportunity to learn cultivation and harvesting techniques from Ino.

It was kinda nice to see Karin make friends without my influence.

The only house no one dared to enter is Sasuke's old home. We have enough respect to stay away from it. Even though Sasuke wasn't a chunin yet, thus couldn't own the compound, once Danzo was killed I had every title deed in the compound sealed away using a jutsu he had "borrowed" from Uzushio. It was a simple one, merely to prevent physical and chakra removal techniques to be used on a box I sealed at the bottom of the Uchiha lake. If anyone wanted the papers they would need a vial's worth of mine, Kakashi, Anko, and Iruka's blood at the same time, or the reversal jutsu, which I had burned so only I knew it. The minute Sasuke is promoted to chunin, the land was all his to do with whatever he pleased. So far... all he had in mind was turning his family home into an Uchiha memorial.

"So this is where you grew up in, Itachi-san?" Kisame looked at the empty homes with a mixture of curiosity and boredom. Despite his large appearance, he was mindful of his step and careful to avoid crushing some of Sakura and Karin's medical plants. "Someone's gardening out here."

"Hn."

Kisame groans and I patted the shark man's shoulder in sympathy. We both have to deal with it.

I all but threw open the screen door to one of the houses, specifically one that smells like a paint shop mixed with a sculpting class. Itachi tensed behind me as if he recognized the house… I mean, this was his clan's land, so of course, he knew who lived here.

Taking off my shoes and stepping onto the new tatami flooring, I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, "Duck-kun! I brought some friends over, hm!" In the room nearby, Sasuke paused his painting for half a moment.

"You know where the tea is, I think you left your cup here," Sasuke responded before he went back to being a wannabe Bob Ross. Hell, the two shinobi jolted when the sound of Sasuke mercilessly beating the devil out of his brush against his easel suddenly erupted from the room he was in.

Once again, I was trying not to die of laughter as I made my way to the kitchen. Kisame and Itachi took their seats at the low tea table in the main room.

Sasuke painted mostly abstract, and on occasion, he painted realism and landscape. A personal favorite of mine was his painting of him, me, Naruto, and Sakura not long after Team 7 was made. He wasn't a fan of Kakashi back then and took every chance he had to express it. Once, I sketched him an example of pop art and he took painting Kakashi, except instead of painting him four-eight times in different colors, he took suggestions from his friends and I to paint what each of us thought Kakashi looked like.

While I gave him my honest response, which was Kakashi's actual face, I'm rather fond of the image of Kakashi with a tiny mouth. Kisame was staring at that painting.

I had Sasuke label his years in painting on the back of each canvas he finished and it was like an evolutionary chain of his psyche. At first, his paintings were dark, gritty, and full of harsh brush strokes… but as the years went on, not only did the strokes become softer, but so did the colors. Ranging from moody to light colors, with the occasional dark painting during stressful days.

Though the kid was an amazing painter, he preferred sculpting, but he never kept the same shape. He would just smash it and start all over as a form of stress relief.

I allowed a small sniff to escape me as the water boiled, he is so much like me when it comes to art.

The only sculptures he ever kept and baked were ceramic teacups, which he painted and glazed to match their intended owners. His was covered in paint splatters and the Uchiha uchiwa, Naruto's had ramen with chibi eyes, Sakura's was pink with… well… sakura petals, and mine was black with "World's best artist" and white chocobos on it. He made more, but everyone else took theirs home.

Kisame sat in my seat. He gets the pink sakura petals.

I watched Itachi's usually stoic face slip into bewilderment. No doubt that even with my influence, Itachi was expecting his baby brother to be filled with rage and hatred. The painting of a fluffy bunny nomming on some clovers was making him question if his brother was capable of hatred, if his face indicated anything.

I returned to them with a tray holding four cups, setting down cups for the two of them and one for me, the last one was Sasuke's. Speaking of the duck, he stepped out of his painting room, wiping his face with a damp cloth. He was so messy when painting splatters of dry paint on his clothes. I am _not_ washing it.

"Deidara, who did you bri-" He dropped the cloth, his mouth imitating a dying fish.

Itachi lifted his chin up, "It's been a while… Sasuke..."

I let out a sigh as Sasuke's face contorted with rage, Chidori forming on his wrist. I slowly stood up and walked to the boy. Without so much as a blink, I grabbed him by the face and slammed him to the ground. He gasped for air and from pain, which ended abruptly as I sat on his stomach like he was a couch. I grasped the wrist still chirping with Chidori and pinned it above his head. My hair floated up with the static. 

Must I be forever cursed with Ghibli hair?

"Mind your manners, Duck-kun, hm."

Sasuke growled venomously, turning his head to glare at Itachi. Upon seeing Kisame grinning, he began struggling, pushing at my shoulder with his other arm and kicking his legs. He turned his head towards me with the _nerve_ to have his Sharingan activated. 

"Get off me!" I heard the chirp of Chidori start up again, aiming his free arm towards my shoulder. Oh? He plans on attacking me?

If he thinks I'm going to tolerate this kind of behavior, just because we have guests, he must be mistaken. Using my free hand, I gripped his hair and yanked his head still. Like an alpha wolf disciplining an omega, I leak out my dominating aura, something I haven't used on the kids in ages. 

"Sasuke."

Sasuke's body went stiff as a board, a quiet whimper escaping him. Itachi tensed, a shuriken appearing in his hand. I gave Itachi a warning look then returned my focus on Sasuke.

"Were you seriously planning on attacking me? Me, of all people? Must I remind you that we agreed that you would talk with your brother, hm?" My voice was calm. There was no need to scream to illustrate how utterly _pissed_ I am.

That was his left arm he was going to hit me with. Sasuke, even for a nanosecond, considered killing me to get to Itachi.

"That was before you brought that bastard here- erk!" He winced in pain when I twisted my hand that gripped his hair. He quickly deactivated his Sharingan, which resulted in his head being freed, "Fine, but get off me… you're heavy."

I smirked and got off the Uchiha, who sat up and rubbed his head. Tough love, but he's used to my choice of discipline.

I give Itachi an apologetic smile, which he nodded in understanding. I considered letting Sasuke off the hook… for about a second and then I yanked him into my lap, locked him in place, and began to smother his head in kisses.

“Get off!” Sasuke screamed, trying to flail out of my grip, pushing my face away. 

“Hell no, I already feel bad that I did that so now I’m going to make your head feel better, hm!” I finished my sentence with an obnoxiously loud smooch on the top of his noggin.

Sasuke tensed when Itachi accidentally let a snort pass his nose. The flailing increased tenfold. I simply locked my hands together and gave Sasuke another kiss on his head then rested my chin on top of his head.

I gave Kisame a look and he quickly got the hint. "Well, I'm going to go explore for a while… I will have some questions when I get back."

"Stay in the compound Kisame, your appearance will drag unwanted attention." Itachi already made himself comfortable by unbuttoning his coat. 

Getting a nod of confirmation from the shark man, he leaves.

The room became quiet as Itachi and I calmly drank our tea, Sasuke was uncomfortably squirming where he sat. Though, it wasn’t like he was able to _go_ anywhere, not with my left arm caging him in place. Sasuke shot Itachi a glare then hid his face in my shoulder. 

Finally, the older Uchiha broke the silence. "How much did you tell him, Deidara?" Itachi tilted his head so I could see his face, as he sat on my blind side.

"I told him that the Uchiha was planning a coup and that you were ordered to kill the clan… you also threatened the village to keep him safe. That was all I knew, hm." I smoothly lied while taking another sip.

Itachi quickly understood that I'm playing ignorant, "Very well… What do you wish to know, Sasuke?"

“...”

“Answer the question, Duck-kun, hm.”

“Let me go and then I’ll answer.” Oh dear, always the difficult one.

“Promise me you won’t attack your brother _then_ I’ll let you go.”

There was a pause. A long, agonizingly slow pause that for a moment, I thought Sasuke wasn’t going to agree. Then, I heard some… some kind of noise from Sasuke, but he was practically buried under my bangs so that I couldn’t see him.

And then lips were on my cheek. Very wet lips.

I threw Sasuke out of my arms and wiped my face with my sleeve. “Ugh, gross! Did you have to lick your lips, hm?!”

“It got you to let me go, so yes.”

“You’re grounded, hm," I growled out, standing up to go wash my cheek in the kitchen. Ugh, Uchiha cooties.

Sasuke sputtered some kind of half-assed protest, threw his nose in the air with a “Hmph!” then glared at Itachi.

"Tell me the truth." Sasuke gave Itachi a demanding look, his cheeks still bright pink from embarrassment. "I want to know everything."

I change my seating position so I have my feet planted on the ground. I could feel everything just by sitting in the lotus position, but Sasuke was more likely to believe us as long as he saw my feet were on the ground.

At this rate, I might as well use Itachi as a footrest to calm the kid's nerves.

… That is oddly tempting. 

Itachi didn't even blink when I began to use his lap as a footrest.

Itachi sighed, "Here is the truth…"

~^~^~^~^~

It took Itachi an hour to explain everything. By the end of it, I learned more things than I cared to know about the coup. But I could confirm that Izumi from the novels died just like in the books, and not how the anime showed it. Sasuke would occasionally look over at me to make sure Itachi was being honest. Every time he would look at my blank face, his meaning of life was slowly being chipped away.

I reached over and brushed Sasuke’s bangs out of his eyes. "I'll leave you two alone to discuss things, hm." Slowly getting up, I slipped on my shoes and headed out to Kisame, who was laying on a porch.

"Wanna tell me what is going on?" Kisame gave me a toothy grin as I plopped down next to him.

"I have been spending the last five years working on reuniting the brothers, hm." When Kisame's eyebrows slowly raised in confusion, I took a deep breath and explained everything.

He slowly rubbed his neck. "Wow, reincarnation, and we are a popular T.V. show… that's both disturbing and intriguing at the same time."

“You are taking this rather well, Kisame-san…" Frankly, I think besides some identity crisis from Anko and Kakashi, most of the people have taken the news of being a fictional character rather well. I mean... it's not like it'll affect their day-to-day lives.

He shrugged, "Considering how strange Itachi-san has been acting these past few months, I decided it's better for my own sanity to just go along with what you said… though it does explain why he referred to you as a woman when speaking to me."

I gritted my teeth, "Tell me about it... Guess I deserve that for always calling him a weasel, hm."

Kisame laughed, "Weasel? Good one, I'll have to use that sometime. You really do care for Itachi-san, huh?"

I looked away, my cheeks warming up an traveling to my neck. "He deserves a better life, hm. I’m sorry we’ve been lying to you… I really am. I know you value honesty above all else.”

“I forgive you two, it’s not so much as lying but withholding information anyway. Itachi-san always gave off a more peaceful aura than one of a cold-hearted killer.” He cocked his head to the side. "Tell me, you used to be a girl, why don't you turn into a woman permanently? I'm sure there's a jutsu for it."

I almost responded but then I stopped. In all actuality, I never thought about that, I just… adapted into this body. I looked down at myself in thought as the pros and cons of the idea flew by me.

"I… think I'll stay as a man… I've adjusted to this body and… frankly, I like not having to deal with a certain event that happens for women every month, hm." Kisame winced, getting my hint, "I also have a fourth mouth on my chest… and I doubt it would go away. I'm scared to know what happens to it if I even considered the idea, hm."

There’s a reason I’ve made sure my sexy jutsu didn’t _have_ that stupid mouth.

He pats my back, "Whatever makes you comfortable, kid… Though, keep the idea in mind if you ever decide that you need it in the future."

'I'll need to snoop around Orochimaru's labs and Uzushiogakure later on…' I thought to myself. No doubt someone made a jutsu for that.

Kisame glanced over his shoulder. "Oh, it seems like they're done."

I followed his gaze to see the Uchiha brothers walking towards us, Sasuke was keeping his distance but the glare had subsided. I sprung to my feet and met them halfway, "Well?"

Itachi gave me a slight nod then looked at Kisame, "Kisame… I’m leaving the Akatsuki." 

I blinked. That… escalated quickly.

Though the shark man didn't seem too phased by the proclamation, "I had a sneaking suspicion the moment you allowed the kid to drag us here... Before I make my decisions, hey kid!" Only Sasuke responded to that. "The blond."

Oh, me. I returned to Kisame, "Yeah, hm?"

Kisame leaned on his Samehada and got to my height, "I want to know how I die."

I bit my lip, getting close to his ear so Sasuke didn’t hear. "You were going to leave the Akatsuki after Itachi died… but Tobi revealed his true identity, making you stay. You died by killing yourself to protect Akatsuki intel against Might Guy and the Hachibi Jinchuuriki, Killer B, hm."

Stepping away, all I saw was shock on Kisame's face. I watched in puzzlement as he slowly removed his ring, dropping it onto the ground. I had to quickly grab his ankle before he could crush it.

"You big idiot! What if I lied to you, hm?"

He grinned an ugly grin full of teeth and no cheer. "Considering Itachi is leaving tells me that he has your trust. Also, I can tell you can only hold back information, not lie."

I sputtered, "B… But why crush the ring?! What do you have to gain by doing that, hm?"

He shrugged uncaringly, "I might as well leave too. Wouldn't do me any good to return without a partner and be questioned." He then proceeded to ruffle my hair which screws up my ponytail

"Arg, don't touch my hair, hm!" I hid behind Itachi with a pout, Sasuke snorted at me with amusement, but he quickly ran back to the house as I gave him a threatening glare. "Anyway, leaving the Akatsuki right now would be a bad idea, hm. I have to leave for a few days to monitor Naruto. If you two suddenly left…"

Both Akatsuki members exchanged glances, the reasoning was obvious. If they suddenly left, Naruto would be targeted by other members. Even though Jiraiya is powerful… if another group was sent. It would have to be Sasori, Hidan and Kakuzu would accidentally kill Naruto and Zetsu’s weak. But then there’s… Pein and Konan.

If I had to fight Pein… could I? Would I? Would I fight Konan? 

"Very well…” Itachi’s voice pulled me out of my mind. “When should we return?"

I crossed my arms and roughly estimated how long it took to find Tsunade. "Hm… takes the duo about 4 days to find Tsunade… and another week to master the Rasengan… but it may take less time because I've helped him with chakra control, hm..." I scratched my head in thought, one of the results of messing with the flow of the story is that dates may screw up. What day is it anyway?

"We will return in 10 days then." Itachi picked up Kisame's ring and handed it to his partner.

I nodded, "Okay, that'll work. Tell Pein that you ran into Jiraiya and were unable to capture Kyuubi because of his interference. I'll be able to meet you by the time you come back. I have to return to Konoha anyway to watch over Kimimaro, I just need to speak with Tsunade, hm. Let's go back to the house to let Duck-kun know."

Sticking close to Itachi we returned to the house as I fixed up my hair. I noticed Itachi kept staring at random walls of the house, so I tugged on his sleeve. "What's wrong, Itachi, hm?"

"This… was Shisui's house…" The nostalgia dripping from his voice was mixed with sadness and longing.

My eye widened, "Wait, really? Oh man, I'm so sorry I didn't know. Sasuke needed a place to paint and I thought it was a nice house and-" I stopped my rambling when he puts his hand on my shoulder.

"It's alright, he would have liked the colors. The clan never spent time on art, but he always liked to look at it on his days off." I smiled. Wouldn’t surprise me if Shisui would have been a little artist if he was born in another clan. I was more than willing to avoid any other questions but Sasuke decided to bring in the big guns.

"What's with the coat? I thought you hated layers." Damn this child. “You started wearing it at the Chunin Exams and around the village… you’ve been wearing collared things too.”

"I thought a new look would suit me more, that's all, hm." I folded my arms in defiance, not expecting Itachi to flash step in front of me. "What?"

"What are you hiding?" He was already reaching for my collar.

Why is Sasuke the only Uchiha that lacks an imposing aura? I took a step back and smacked Itachi’s hand away. "Nothing! Does everyone need to get in my business when I decide to change things up, hm?"

"Yes." My eye twitched as the brothers spoke in synch. Damn Uchihas…

"You're a creature of habit." Sasuke put a hand on his hip- great, he’s learning my mannerisms too!

“Am not.”

“Then why didn’t you take off the coat when you stepped inside the house?” Sasuke questioned with a deep frown.

Before I could respond, I felt the coat remove itself from my person, like it wasn't completely fastened on… which it was. I forgot Itachi was one of the quickest shinobi to ever exist. I reached up to cover the curse mark but Itachi caught my wrist.

Itachi stared at the curse mark with a passive face. A dangerously calm passive face that sent a chill down my spine. Itachi and Sasuke _have_ to be descendants of Madara, even if they’re distant cousins. There is no reason Itachi could make his face intimidating.

I bowed my head in defeat. “Orochimaru did this… when I was getting Karin. I let my guard down, hm.”

"I can see that." He doesn't scold or have any physical responses, the only signs of rage was a quicker heartbeat.

I quickly threw the coat back on, "I don't plan on using the stupid thing, my art is strong enough to where I don't need the hickey, hm!"

No one spoke for a whole minute, the cicadas outside had stopped their annoying songs and even the wind ceased to blow. Kisame piped in, "Hickey?"

I roll my eye, "Orochimaru bites people's necks and a mark appears, so I call it a hickey, hm."

**Itachi's POV**

'I want to kill that man…'

**Deidara's POV**

I shivered after feeling Itachi's kill intent, isn't he supposed to be a pacifist?!

I rubbed the back of my neck, "Well… I guess it was the price I paid for keeping him away from Sasuke, hm."

That caught the boy's attention, "What do you mean?" He took a step forward and grabbed my hand. “Deidara, what did you just say?”

I pulled at my collar awkwardly. What happened to the tiny chibis from before? "From what I could see, it was either you get the curse mark, or I would. So I guess I took your place, hm." I do _not_ like the look in their eyes.

**Sasuke and Itachi's POVs**

_'I will skin him alive and burn his remains…'_

**Deidara's POV**

All I could do was sweatdrop as I felt the brother's almost thinking at the same time. It tempted me to say a silent prayer to Orochimaru, as he now has three pissed off Uchiha wanting him dead.

… Nah, too much effort. He’ll be fine.

"Can we stop talking about the curse mark? It's bad enough it reminds me every day that the asshole bit my neck, hm." I subconsciously tightened the fasten on my neck, as if shielding myself.

Just as Itachi opened his mouth again, something latched on my arm. I screamed.

"Wow, never had a human act like that, kero." One of Jiraiya's toads decided to get my attention by clinging to me. Sadly, I do not react kindly to anything fast-moving and not fuzzy… spiders don't count.

"GET IT OFF! GET IT _OFF_!" My arm flapped in the air, trying to shake the amphibian off. Sasuke quickly took the toad away before it could get injured or I injure myself with the excessive arm flailing. With a whimper, I rushed behind Itachi and buried my face into his back to hide from the toad as Kisame was laughing his blue ass off.

"You didn't act like this the last time, kero." The toad stared at me unimpressed as I kept hiding.

"That was because you didn't go near me, hm! Itachi! Stop laughing, it's not funny!" I lightly whacked him on the back. Itachi kept a blank face, but the shaking of his shoulders betrayed everything. I groaned then stuck my head out from behind the laughing Uchiha, "What is it this time!" That was more of a demand than a question.

"Jiraiya-sama is on the move with Naruto, kero. I delivered your message and he is going to train the boy the Rasengan, kero." With that, the toad poofed away.

"Stupid thing…" I released myself from Itachi and stood by Sasuke, blushing, and awkwardly coughing into my fist. "Itachi and Kisame-san will return in 10 days. Make sure to meet them here, hm."

"I'll be painting," Sasuke shrugged without care, "as long as they don’t disturb me."

My eye rolls, "Yes, wouldn't want the palette knife incident to happen again, hm." I smirked as Sasuke's face turns red.

Itachi blinked, "Palette knife…?"

I jabbed my thumb towards Sasuke, "Your little brother here, nearly killed someone with one of these, hm." I picked up a palette knife that was laying on a bookshelf. Emphasizing the ridiculousness of it all by showing off how flexible it was by flicking it and letting the room reverberate with a comical _twang_.

"One time, Deidara!" Sasuke snatched the knife from me and threw it in his painting room.

I chuckled, "Whatever you say, Duck-kun. I have to leave so spend some time with the girls while I'm away, hm." I escorted the Akatsuki duo outside of Konoha, clay centipedes wrapped around their torsos to trick any Anbu or unknown jonin from seeing me peacefully escort two S-Class missing-nin outside of the village. Once we were a safe distance from the village, I removed the clay creatures and hopped on a hawk.

“Safe travels, hm!” I yelled and headed out to find Naruto and Jiraiya.

~^~^~^~^~

For the next four days, I kept my distance from the duo, usually staying on my bird and getting a room at an inn about an hour after they checked into theirs. I didn't want Naruto to be distracted from his training. Though I was still unhappy that Jiraiya took all the money I allowed my brother to bring.

Good thing I sealed most of his allowance away back home.

From what I could tell, after the cat scene when he learns to beat up the water balloon, he ended up progressing faster than expected. He was already getting to the point where the Rasengan would start to form on his hand, but it would burst because he doesn’t know how to contain it yet.

Well, since I’m in a gambling town, I might as well see what my luck is like.

My rules on gambling were simple: I would bring in 500 Ryo, and leave when I doubled what I got. After doing this about 10 times I ended up with a nice bundle of cash. It helps when you can sense the machinery and be able to play the least rigged one. When I wasn't gambling, I was training, a fair distance away from the duo. You can only learn so much on your own, but it was a good time to master chakra control so I wasn’t pouring in so much chakra into just my feet.

Finally, they located Tsunade at the bar, I kept to the air until the four of them left. Tsunade truly was a beautiful, but terrifying person, despite being half-drunk her aura was powerful. There’s no way in hell I would fight her head-on.

Sadly, my darling baby brother can't sense auras worth shit.

I flinched when Tsunade pummeled him to the ground, only for her to become angry when Naruto tried to use the Rasengan. After a brief conversation, Tsunade dangles her necklace in Naruto's face, and they make their bet.

Time to get involved, leaping off my bird I shout, startling everyone. "I'll add to that bet, hm!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know, there's something mildly amusing going back on these chapters and seeing every Uchiha that knows Deidara on a personal level just getting so heated up at the curse mark.
> 
> For context: the style of painting Sasuke did for Kakashi is based off of Andy Warhol.
> 
> I did want to quickly address Kisame's question about Deidara getting a sex change: That was a question that was frequently brought up on FFN and I had Kisame address it in-universe. Deidara will not be permanently transitioning. If you're a reader of my Harry Potter story then you already know the reason why. For those not interested in that story, the summary of that reason is that if I was reincarnated as another sex, and I was used to identifying as a female, I still would go by the sex and gender of my new biological body, even though I would definitely dress more feminine because I find the clothes more comfy (and I wouldn't care if my previous sex was mentioned). That's who I am and I kindly ask you wonderful readers to please just accept that. If that's not how you would respond, that's also perfectly acceptable, but I am not you and you are not me and all identities are beautiful. Thank you for understanding!


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsunade learns to never make bets with Deidara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fair warning: A short scene of chakra-bs medical gore about midway through. Only lasts a few paragraphs and no specific details.

**3rd person POV**

Inside a pub in a town known for gambling, four shinobi sat in the corner discussing matters that flew over the other patron's heads. Sadly for them, their peaceful time eating ended rather abruptly.

"What do you mean she's supposed to be the Godaime Hokage?!" Naruto yelled out at the top of his lungs. Sure Deidara had explained to him that they were going on a hunt for the new Hokage. But Tsunade was not only refusing the job but was also disrespecting everyone who was previously Hokage.

"You should teach your student some manners Jiraiya, unlike your previous student, this one seemed to be lacking in both brains and looks." Tsunade draws a full hand of cards. Smirking when Jiraiya had to explain why the Yondaime was a harsh comparison.

Naruto growled, "Why do we need her?! Why not let someone who actually cares about the village run it! Like Deidara-nii, dattebayo!"

Shizune eyed the bow wearily. 'The missing-nin? He vanished a few years back, right?' Looking between Tsunade and the loud duo in confusion. She had heard rumors of him appearing in different villages, causing havoc, and then vanishing on some kind of running bird. Whenever she asked for clarifications, people would merely shrug and say that the blond would show up every other month, deal with bandits, take payment, and then leave, but no one would tell her where he _lived_.

Now she knew, he was in… Konoha? The last time she saw him in a bingo book it labeled him as a rogue from Iwa.

Jiraiya rubbed his temple, no amount of sake would cure _this_ headache. "Naruto, no amount of money in the world would convince your brother to become Hokage. If he did, he'd most likely end up destroying half of the council, deconstruct a third of the clans and their traditions, and completely rewrite the economy.." A shiver ran down his spine. Jiraiya had to admit, the kid could probably talk his way out of a war and establish trade agreements within an hour… but if Deidara got involved in politics with even a sliver of power, he’d probably declare war because someone called him a child.

Tsunade slowly looked up at the ceiling, "Being Hokage is a bother, no one but a fool would take it on."

Jiraiya had to move fast to stop Naruto from attacking Tsunade. Patrons nearby looked over to see a head of blond hair trying to rush over to someone hidden behind the screens.

"Naruto, we’re in a pub!" Jiraiya sat Naruto down so the kid was standing on the table.

"Anyone who makes fun of the old man or the Yondaime, it doesn't matter if you are a woman! I'll clobber you to dust!" Naruto slammed his fist into his hand, glaring at the older woman.

No one moved for a moment until Tsunade got to his level, "You have guts to confront me… let's take this outside."

Outside the pub, Jiraiya quickly noted a white hawk circling the area above them. The species wasn’t known for living in this area either, which was strange. But he chose to not bring attention to it. He already had a gut feeling they were being watched.

Tsunade raised her pointer finger, "Come at me with all you got. I'll only need one finger."

When Naruto charged at her, she simply poked his forehead to send the kid flying back, which he quickly recovered.

Tsunade placed a hand on her hip, "Hey brat, answer me this. Why do you get so passionate at the mention of the title Hokage?"

Naruto smirked, wiping dirt off his face with his dirty sleeve. "I will become Hokage one day, no matter the cost. That is my dream!" Tsunade’s eyes widened.

Naruto cupped one hand over the other and a ball of chakra forms, one that was all too familiar to the adults around him. An imperfect Rasengan spun around his hand as he ran towards the woman, only for her to create a long crater using only her pointer finger. This resulted in him getting stuck in the earth.

"Jiraiya! How could you teach a talentless brat the Rasengan?"

"Talentless?!" Naruto gritted his teeth at the woman, clawing his way out of the earth. "Says who?!"

"Says me. You can't master a jutsu only Jiraiya and the Yondaime could use! He's just giving you false hope." Tsunade glared at Jiraiya for his choices in teaching. Funny how Jiraiya didn’t look the slightest bit offended at her remarks, if anything he was paying more attention to the stars in the sky than the confrontation. ‘What the hell is with him today?’

Naruto slowly began to see red, he was close to learning the jutsu. He has been training his chakra control since he was a kid, years of balance training while bombs were thrown his way, standing on water until he fell asleep... Tsunade's words not only insulted him and Jiraiya but Deidara as well. 'No one insults my brother…'

"Give me three days, and I'll master this jutsu, dattebayo!"

Tsunade smirked, "Is that a bet?" Shizune gave her a wary glance.

"You bet it is, dattebayo!" The kid snickered to himself.

"Fine then, I'll give you one week. If you can master the jutsu, I'll acknowledge that you have what it takes to become Hokage. I'll even throw in my necklace." Tsunade points at her necklace calmly as Shizune yelled incomprehensible things to Tsunade.

Naruto’s eyes squinted and he looked at the necklace. An uncut stone of beautiful azure- if the girls’ conversations about jewelry taught him correctly. "That'd make a nice birthday gift for Hinata, dattebayo…"

Jiraiya sweat drops, 'He doesn't understand women… Yet his first thoughts on a priceless necklace is to give it to a girl for her birthday.' Clearing his throat, "Naruto, that’s the Shodai Hokage's necklace. It’s one of a kind and worth three mountains."

Naruto frowned at Jiraiya, "Why would I want a mountain, Ero Sennin? Also, Deidara-nii would never let me have that much money dattebayo. He'd lock it away until I was 18." He then returned his attention to Tsunade, much to the disappointment of Jiraiya, because _of course,_ Deidara taught Naruto to not be greedy.

"However, if you lose…" She held up Naruto's fat frog wallet, "I get all the money in here."

"Gah! Gama-chan!" Naruto checked his pockets, trying to figure out when she grabbed it. He gave up trying to figure out the when and instead, to focus on the now. He hit his chest with his fist and nodded. "It's a bet then!"

"I'll add to that bet, hm!" Everyone's heads turned up to see a figure leaping off the white hawk and landing beside Naruto, black trench coat billowing out.

'Must he always be so flashy?' Jiraiya facepalms as the teen stood straight to look at Tsunade.

Jiraiya then looked at Naruto.

‘Nevermind, Naruto probably learned from him.’

**Deidara's POV**

I kept my face neutral as Shizune got in a fighting stance, "Oi, Shizune-san! I haven't been a missing-nin for over 5 years now, hm! Cut me some slack!" As if to prove my point, I jabbed a thumb at my forehead protector. “If I wanted you dead I would have done it _after_ my baby brother was tucked in bed.”

That didn't seem to bring Shizune any comfort. Understandable.

"Eh?! Deidara-nii? What are you doing here, dattebayo?!" Naruto was quick to question me, while Tsunade mulled over the fact that I'm asking to join in the bet. Of course, she couldn’t back down from a gamble.

"I was in the neighborhood and as your legal guardian, I feel as though it’s my duty to help out with this wager, hm." I patted my brother's head but kept my eye on Tsunade. I winced and pulled my hand away from Naruto’s head. Stupid inns and their cheap shampoo making my brother’s hair feeling like I’m patting a porcupine.

Soon, the lady tilted her head and extended an arm towards me, "What are you offering?"

Pulling out a scroll of mine, I unsealed a large, metal briefcase. Opening it, showing stacks upon stacks of Ryo that filled the case to max capacity. This was five years worth of A-rank and several B-rank missions that I saved up just for this occasion. S-rank missions went into funding other important matters… like broken walls.

It helped that I lack a proper hobby that requires me to spend money. I spoiled my brothers until they were able to fund their own activities, and afterward, I would just make sure I had plenty of money saved up for living expenses and the rest went into the briefcase.

Tsunade and Shizune gaped at the money while I stared them down, "If Naruto is unable to master the Rasengan, all of this money is yours. But if he does master it, you have to heal two people of my choosing. You will not refuse to treat them and you can only ask non-medical based questions afterwards. I’m aware of your skills, Tsunade-sama, I will know if you purposely do not perform at your best, hm." 

I laid the threat thick, and unlike others… I meant it. 

This didn't falter the woman, in fact, she straightened herself out with a smirk. "How about this: I can see talent when it's in front of me, unlike that brat." I snickered as Naruto shouted in protest, "You will also have a week, if you can master the Rasengan, I will heal these two people and cure them of whatever is wrong with them."

I raised an eyebrow, "You sure you want to make that bet, hm?"

"I'm positive you cannot master this jutsu, do you want it written in blood or something?" She gloated. 

Well… I hope she enjoys sobering up. "You just lost the bet, Tsunade-sama, hm."

The world went still when I lifted my hand, a blue spinning ball of pure chakra hovering just above my left palm. The blue light illuminated my face, hair, and coat in a sapphire hue -my own personal touch, of course- as the product of four days of chakra training bore fruit before the eyes of two Sannin, a Jinchuuriki, and a medic apprentice. Though, I had a head start, like I wasn’t going to train while I was on missions.

My hidden eye twitched under my scope.

"Woah, how did you do that, Deidara-nii?!" Naruto shouted, staring at me in awe. At least, I’m assuming it was awe. I’m a little preoccupied mentally.

'Hurts hurts hurts _hurts_!' I kept my face blank as it felt as though the very muscles in my hand were being ripped apart. Something was either wrong with my chakra, or my palm mouth really did not appreciate my hands being used for anything besides art.

Before it could cause permanent damage to my hand, I slammed the Rasengan onto the ground, creating a round, spiral crater. Standing up, I quickly shoved my violently shaking hand into my coat pocket, keeping it in a fist that screamed every second of its movement. The rotating sensation of chakra, like sticking one’s hand in a typhoon, rippled up my arms and I had to breathe deeply to prevent tears. 

"The first person you heal will be my little brother, not Naruto." I had to add as she was looking at him. "Our other brother, Kimimaro, hm.”

Using my right hand, I reached into my other pocket and flung her a photograph. It was Kimimaro, hooked to tubes and IV’s that have doubled since the Chunin Exams, a heart monitor showing a single elevation to indicate a beating heart. 

“Whatever he has, it’s killing him, if he so much as sits in a horizontal position he gets bathed in his own blood. He’s already lost almost 3 kilograms of body fat in a week, and he doesn’t have much fat, to begin with. Doctors are predicting…” I made a so-so gesture. “A year, hm”

Tsunade's eyes widened, "Why put your brother's health and well-being on the line?! Why didn't you ask?!" 

"Don't get a bleeding heart on me, Tsunade-sama. You wouldn't have considered it even if I got on my knees and begged you to heal him. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if you said he was a lost cause." 

Her pupils dilated, but her mouth remained silent.

“Thought so. Looks like Orochimaru’s the only grounded one of you three. At least _he_ has his priorities straight, twisted as they are, he knows what he believes in and what to do for those beliefs, hm.”

Tsunade’s confidence wilted, and she slowly backed away until she was far enough of a distance to walk off with Shizune.

Naruto tugged on my left sleeve, blissfully ignorant of the violent rush of pain he triggered with such a simple movement. “A year…? Kimi-nii only has…”

I pulled him in a one-armed hug. “I’m sorry, honey… I only make bets when I know I’ll win. You’ll master the Rasengan, I don’t have any doubts about that. Remember… you shoulder the burden of a glorious legacy left behind by your parents… but while you are there son, remember you are _my_ brother, hm.”

He nodded, “Mhm! I’ll master this jutsu even if I don’t sleep the entire week! And if I don’t you better drag that lady to the village to heal Kimi-nii, dattebayo!”

“By her hair, if I have to, hm.”

We shared matching grins, mine with more teeth.

I let him go, flashing Jiraiya a dangerous look if he so much as dared to mention my trembling left shoulder. I turned and made a beeline for the inn I was staying at and filled up the bathtub. While that filled, I slammed a privacy seal on the door, just so other patrons didn’t have to hear me scream.

Removing my coat, I plunged my left arm into the steaming water. The water splashed onto the ground as my arm violently shook and a scream ripped past my throat. Slamming my forehead against the tub only did so much to numb the pain.

"Fuck… fucking hell… I am never using this jutsu again!" This has to be because of my palm mouths. I felt a similar pain while training, but I kept ignoring the warning signs. This was my only chance to make sure Tsunade did what I wanted, the only way I would ever get her to listen to reason.

Of course, she would heal Kimimaro once she was Hokage. If she could fix up Lee, Kimi would be a walk in the park. Not to mention he's a kid. His life was never in any danger.

This bet was to ensure she would heal Itachi.

I was so preoccupied with my arm that I didn't notice a feminine hand being placed on my shoulder. Jolting on the spot, I twisted my head, only to lock my eye with two orange orbs… how did Tsunade get in here- nevermind, she's a kunoichi.

"Let me look at your arm, kid." Tsunade tried to pull my arm out of the water but I pulled away.

"I'm not part of the deal, hm." I frowned. She hasn't had Naruto's talk-no-jutsu yet, so for all I know this was her way of getting out of the deal. 

The woman rolled her eyes and yanked my arm out of the water, effectively splashing her face. "I know that... just let me take a look, I'm a little rusty anyway…" Her hand glowed green as she hovered it over my hand, her face twisting into bewilderment, "Your body is incompatible with the Rasengan… I suggest not using it again, you could have permanently damaged your nerves and render the arm paralyzed."

Great, one of the most powerful jutsu in the world and I can't use it. "No need to tell me twice… I only used the jutsu to ensure my brother and another person was healed, hm."

"Who's the other person?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

I looked away, my face heating up. "You'll see… they're… well, I…" I scratched my cheek lightly with my right hand. "They mean a lot to me…"

"A lover?" Oh sweet Jesus, why is every woman I meet so straight-forward?

I waved my right hand a _bit_ too frantically. "Nonononono! They don't see me like that and we are not in a relationship, I just care about them, hm!"

Tsunade gave me a knowing smirk then released my left arm, the pain was gone and my arm stopped shaking. "We made a deal, even if that brother of yours lost, I'll show up the Konoha just long enough to heal the two people." She dried her face off with a towel and was about to leave when she noticed my neck. "That's…"

'Oh! Tsunade is a chakra expert!' I sprung to my feet and pointed at the curse mark. "Can you explain why I'm alive?!" That was the most poorly-worded question I have ever asked someone. "I mean, this curse mark only has a 10% survival rate, and I don't understand how I lived through it, hm." 

I chose to not mention the voice that told me it wasn't my time. I wanted a… I guess a scientific reason. As scientific as chakra can get.

Tsunade's hand glowed green again while I quietly waited for her to examine the mark. After a few moments, she pulled away and chewed on her lips. "I can't say for sure… but it may have to do with your yang chakra being compatible with the mark."

I blinked. Wait… which one is which again? Hold on. "Wait… but I'm an earth user, how does that make sense?"

Tsunade sighed and crossed her arms. "Yin and Yang are chakra natures outside of the elemental cycle, certain shinobi have specific amounts of either one to help with their jutsu. The best example is my clan, the Senju, has chakra that is closely linked with yang. Our opposites, the Uchiha, are linked with yin. Despite you being an earth user, you have a close link with yang due to your jutsu type and kekkei genkai… your personality may also be linked with it." She smirked when I gave her a glare.

I thought about it for a moment then slowly nodded. "I remember an old friend of mine telling me about all this… earth is linked with yin…" I placed my hand on the mark, "Meaning if I have yang chakra…"

"You survived because the curse mark balanced you out in both yin and yang." Tsunade placed a hand on her hip, "Why do you have that mark anyway?"

"...Let's just say I am a massive thorn in Orochimaru's side and leave it at that, hm." I rubbed my neck with a nervous chuckle. Tsunade stared me down before sighing and leaving.

I slipped back on my coat after drying off. Despite what Tsunade told me, I can't help but think that hand and its voice is what kept me alive… not my chakra.

~^~^~^~^~

I stayed by Kimimaro's side the entire week, only leaving him to take care of myself and for a few other reasons. Even when the hospital wasn't allowing visitors anymore the nurses knew better than to try and kick me out. Ended up alerting staff when a patient had a heart attack.

Itachi and Kisame returned to the village three days ago but were staying hidden in the compound. Thankfully, Sasuke was there to keep them occupied. I heard from the duck that Itachi accidentally spooked him mid-painting and Sasuke almost stabbed his brother with a palette knife.

I need to stop getting Sasuke palette knives.

I only visited briefly to watch the two destroy their Akatsuki rings and to inform them of Tsunade. Though, I decided to not mention the bet and what happened afterwards.

With all of the tubes and wires, Kimimaro was unable to get up and rarely had the energy to talk. By the second day, I couldn't bear the silence anymore, so I told him stories. It helps that I was such a huge bookworm and overall nerd in my past life. I was able to tell him tales of magical schools and dark wizards, people fighting with laser swords in space, and girls transforming using the power of friendship and love~.

… He didn't really enjoy the magical girl stories. I can't blame him though, they can be pretty stupid when you explain it to someone.

I didn't remember these stories in detail, it's been… Kami, it's been _years_ but I could remember general plots. I mostly filled in the blanks by playing mental mad libs.

So, Harry Potter flew on a dragonfly and defeated Voldemort with a magic pillow… I think. Lightsabers changed color according to your mood, right?

… I wonder if Madara or Itachi can teach me genjutsu to escape into my memories. It's _weird_ not remembering things. Not like I have anything to do or say when on missions!

Tsunade walked into the hospital room by the end of the week and looked over Kimimaro. I gave her a small smile, seeing the gentle look in her eyes as she examined my brother. Naruto's talk-no-jutsu does wonders for some people.

"Hokage-sama… all of his medical records are at the end of the bed, hm." 

She turned her head towards me, eyes wide with shock. What? Did she think I wasn’t going to use formal language with her? I stood up, gave her a deep bow, and sat in the farthest corner of the room to give her peace and quiet while treating Kimimaro.

I have nothing but respect for Tsunade after she became Hokage, the things she does and the change in character were beautiful. It helps that my first introduction of her was in the Pein Invasion arc. There’s something rather gratifying spending your entire life only knowing about sobbing, weak, crying girly-girls of American cartoons then your first introduction to anime has a badass woman obliterating her opponents.

Tsunade examined all of the medical files with narrowed eyebrows, her lips rapidly moving as she silently read the words over, and over again. "This has nothing to do with genetics. I think I know what's wrong with him."

My back straightened to attention as she slowly ran her glowing hands over Kimimaro, stopping above his lungs. She cursed under her breath. "His lungs… that's what caused all of these problems. Not long after the third shinobi war, I noticed this infection spread in the more densely battle areas. Though this doesn't seem contagious, unlike the one I know of."

… Hold the phone.

I deadpanned and glared at Tsunade with the rage of a thousand annoyed mother bears. Is... is he dying from a mutated version of tuberculosis? And these medical shinobi could not detect it? I’m surrounded by idiots!

I glared up at the ceiling where the sky hung over the building, giving it every rude gesture I could think of in five seconds. "I think I understand what's wrong… and I wouldn't be surprised if the other person has it too… or they have something much worse, and I pray it's not what I think it is."

Tsunade nods absentmindedly, "Yes… speaking of this person, go collect them. I should still have enough chakra to heal them, I just finished healing Kakashi at the request of Naruto. I also need to prep another kid for surgery over the next few days."

Rock Lee… right, I've been having Sakura and Karin watch over him for Guy and make sure he doesn't overwork his training. I'll need to request that Tsunade train the girls in medical ninjutsu later. Maybe I’ll put in a good word for Ino too, just so her team has a medic.

I had a clone collect Itachi because I didn't want to leave Kimi's side. Naruto joined and once he saw the state Kimi was in, he quietly sat in my lap and allowed me to hold him close.

The room was silent for almost 15 minutes when _something_ floated out of Kimimaro’s mouth and he suddenly inhaled a large gulp of air. Tsunade stood straight as he sat up to breathe. In her hand was a floating ball of… Um… ew. I don’t want to know what I’m looking at and I quickly covered Naruto’s eyes so he didn’t have to see it either. Did she just rip out a piece of Kimimaro’s lung or something?!

Tsunade turns to me, smiling proudly- why are you proud?! My brother's lung-meat is not where it should be, in his _lungs_! "Have me check on him once a week for the next few months and it should be removed permanently. I’ll have this sent to the labs to be examined, and I’ll have replacement tissue prepared before his next appointment." She stepped to the side so Naruto and I could wrap our arms around Kimimaro. Nurses that were nearby had to run in to unplug Kimi so nothing could be damaged.

"You're going to be okay, dattebayo!" Naruto clung to Kimi, tears rolling down his face as if the stress of the world left his body.

"Otouto…? Nii-sama…?" Kimi was dazed after being unable to function for over a week, his voice was croaky. The poor kid lost quite a bit of weight too, having a pure liquid-based diet. It's going to take weeks to gain his muscle mass back.

I buried my face in his hair, tears threatening to form but I held them back. "My baby… my Kimi-baby… it's okay… you can keep being a shinobi and grow up…" I kissed his head then turned to Tsunade, "Thank you… Hokage-sama…"

"Tsunade. Hokage-sama makes me seem old."

"Tsunade-sama then…" I gave her another smile and returned to hugging my brother, having them both in my lap where I slowly rocked back and forth. Slowly, I peeled off my brothers and Naruto helped Kimimaro stand. His legs wobbled, nearly giving out without Naruto’s help. I was going to suggest Kimimaro stay a few more days, but I stopped my voice. Kimimaro wanted out of this hospital room yesterday.

Tapping my wrists, I undid the seal holding the scrolls Hiruzen gave me and unsealed his will.

She eyed it oddly, "I was informed that Sensei had no will."

I groaned, "Knew it. Gramps gave me a copy just in case his original will suddenly 'vanished'. It was the only way to ensure that I didn't have Anbu at my door, hm."

Tsunade gave me a suspicious glance but continued reading it. Her shoulders relaxed as she recognized Hiruzen's handwriting and the Hokage seal. Her lips pursed, "What did he mean by pardon the crimes of Uchiha Ita-"

"Deidara?" Well, speak of the Devil and he shall appear!

Standing at the entrance was Itachi and my clone, looking thoroughly confused and slightly concerned with how Tsunade was staring at him. I wonder if I should say something...

"You look like Teme, dattebayo!"

Way to point out the obvious, Naruto.

~^~^~^~^~

I just wanted Itachi to be healed and enjoy a nice bowl of ramen with my brothers. It was supposed to be so simple, so easy… so why?

"We will not stand to allow a murderous S-ranked shinobi in Konoha!"

Why the fuck am I stuck in a meeting with both the shinobi and civilian council regarding Itachi?!

Not long after taking Kimimaro to Neji's to be watched over, the elders caught wind of Itachi being in Konoha because of me. So now, Itachi and I are standing in the center of this big U-shaped table while a bunch of old farts screamed at both us _and_ each other. Itachi doesn't seem to mind it, even voluntarily having his chakra sealed for this.

Though when they tried to do the same to me… I may have caused five Anbu to piss themselves.

"This is so dull…!" I groaned loudly to get their attention. To be honest, I think the only people that are having issues are the elders and the civilian council. Hiashi was just watching this passively, and the Ino-Shika-Cho trio were secretly munching on snacks under the table. The other clan heads were waiting for Tsunade's words.

One of the men growled at me, "What is dull, you traitor?" Wow, traitor? Harsh man.

"Based on looking at your face, I'd say your sex life, hm." 

“I can see why Anko likes this kid, he’s a riot!” Tsume loudly whispered to Inoichi, “I should have had my Kiba meet him sooner!”

I continued, "Hiruzen knew from the first month of me coming to Konoha that Itachi would be returning to the village, hm."

The civilians looked… actually kind of shocked? Seriously?

"Why is this such a shocker?" I started listing things off my fingers, "I've adopted the Kyuubi no Jinchuuriki, obtained guardianship of one of the last known Uchiha, adopted the last Kaguya of Kirigakure, stole a set of twins from Orochimaru, invited one of the Seven Swordsmen and an ice user, stole a unique healer of Uzumaki descent from Kusagakure, _blackmailed_ Kusagakure to gift said Uzumaki to me as ‘payment’ for my continued protection, " I stopped, noting the expressions around me. "Did he honestly not tell you all of this?"

There was a unison of " _NO_!" from the civilians and a series of groaning "Yes…" from the shinobi.

"You have quite the history, Deidara…" Itachi said with a few delayed blinks.

I gave him a cheeky grin, "Helps when Hiruzen let me do as I please, hm."

"Why should we let you continue with this?!" A woman from the merchants guild shouted at me. They never gave me their names, so I'm struggling to keep track.

"I thought Konoha was attracted to unique kekkei genkais? Besides, it's in Hiruzen's will to clear Itachi's name due to Danzo's influence causing the massacre, hm." I began randomly picking at some dead skin on the edge of my nails, seemingly ticking off the civilians even more.

Koharu piped in, "Hiruzen had no will."

Tsunade slammed Hiruzen's will on the table, causing the wood to crack. "This was presented to me not long after becoming Hokage." The village elders glared at me, as in that span of time I had used golden clay to make a halo and now have it floating above my head. The amused Uchiha watching me didn’t help their mood. Tsunade cleared her throat, "It has Sarutobi-sensei's handwriting and signed in his blood. I plan on following his dying wishes, especially since the boy has explained the truth to me."

Itachi uncomfortably shifted, his fists clenched tightly and his jaw set. I reached over and patted his shoulder. 

‘You’re okay,’ I thought to him, willing my energy to embrace him and calm his nerves. ‘I’m here, you’ll be home soon.’

The man, whose sex life I insulted, turned to Tsunade, "You can’t let this brat do as he pleases! Who knows what else he'll bring into the village!"

"I already have Hoshigaki Kisame prepared to join too, hm." I love that these guys look like they're about to keel over.

“You’re enjoying this a bit too much,” Itachi said with a smile to his voice.

"How did you do this?!" Oh, that was Tsume, though she sounded more excited than anything else.

"I am very good at persuading people that value truth above all else, hm." I saw no reason in not being both vague, but honest to Tsume. She's a badass in her own right.

I’m wisely going to not mention that I have more people in mind that I want to bring into Konoha. Best to keep it all a surprise!

Once again, the civilian council turned their attention to Tsunade, another man spoke up. "Please tell us you have a solution to this mess, Hokage-sama…"

Tsunade fished out the other scroll, the really fat one titled "Use when Deidara is involved" and unraveled it… and kept unraveling it. Blank paper pooling at Tsunade’s feet as she was now aggressively yanking the scroll.

Itachi and I exchanged glances. I didn't read that one either.

She scanned the massive paper, face becoming more and more frustrated as she kept unraveling it. Finally, she just stares straight on with a blank face, as if finding what she was looking for.

With the utmost seriousness of a true Kage, and the diplomatic power above all others, Tsunade said, "It's Deidara."

Even the cicadas went quiet, and I discovered that Itachi's back makes a really good muffler for laughter.

"Pffff… W-wait… what? H-hold on, gimme, hm." I was nearly in tears as I couldn't stop laughing. Heading over to Tsunade, I looked at the scroll… and promptly fell back into a laugh that sounded like the Joker with the frequency of a hyena.

The scroll was completely blank, except for one single line that said, "It's Deidara."

My fucking sides hurt.

Itachi quickly went to me and slammed his hand against my back to get me to stop laughing and to start breathing again. I think I was turning purple from the lack of oxygen. The civilian council was all leaning away from me in fear, while the shinobi council were watching this like it was your typical Sunday cartoon. The Ino-Shika-Cho trio had popcorn.

Nobody moved until Hiashi became the first brave soul to approach us and pat Itachi on the shoulder. "Welcome back to Konoha, Itachi-san." With that, he left.

To be fair, Hiashi knew I was going to bring back Itachi since the day I killed Danzo... I think he and Anko were the only two I told in detail.

Despite the protest from the civilians, the clan heads would either pat Itachi on the shoulder then leave, or ruffle my hair. Whatever amused them the most, sadly this resulted in my hair getting messed up.

I forgot the civilian council gets almost no respect despite representing the larger population… Oh well, Konoha is militaristic and they are full of whiny assholes.

Tsunade scared off the rest of the council, including the elders, before looking at us, "Deidara, is he the one you wanted me to treat?"

I caught my breath, nodding, "Yes, Tsunade-sama, hm."

Her face showered with uncertainty. But after observing Itachi, who was still kneeling beside me, she morphed into a more professional mode, "Follow me." She turned on her heel and headed back to the hospital.

Tsunade led us to a room and allowed Itachi in, but stopped me, "Wait here. I need to speak with the Itachi-san in private." The door was then closed on my face. This room was muffled and I could only feel their footsteps.

I decided it was best not to protest, and instead, I leaned against the wall with my head bowed. Quietly, I praying that things will be okay and that Itachi would no longer be sick.

If the Universe could do one good thing in its existence, it's making sure Itachi lived… he deserved that at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo yeah. Deidara can't use the Rasengan. It can also be assumed that and jutsu requiring the usage of his palms (outside of his art) are also off-limits. I don't remember why I made this rule when creating this fanfiction, but I think it was to keep readers from asking a million times "Why didn't Deidara just use the Rasengan for that fight????"
> 
> ... Okay, I'm starting to notice that I did a lot of things in this story to avoid the more rude side of FFN readers.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you've been paying attention to the relationship tags, you should know what this chapter will entail

I couldn't grasp a sense of time as I waited outside the room, on occasion a nurse or doctor would zoom past me to tend to a patient. I've also watched at least a dozen people being taken to other rooms to be tended to.

Waiting was killing me. I never liked to just sit on the sidelines and wait for things to happen. The fact that I can't even be in the same room while Tsunade worked on Itachi didn't help the constant growing stress. She also managed to pick out the one damn room I couldn't sense in! I didn't even know that was possible!

To keep my mind occupied, I started to sense other things in the area. I had to remove my headband to focus, as the stress was making the thing feel tight. 'Let's see… Some broken bones on the second floor… Lee is outside… awww someone just had twins!' My sensing was cut short when the door to Itachi’s room shifted. My heart rate increased in pace.

Tsunade stepped out, gaunt and haggard, but at the same time relieved. She looked at me. "How he's lived this long is a miracle in itself, no wonder no one could cure him." She wiped the sweat off her forehead.

"Wait, what's wrong?" I couldn’t see Itachi because Tsunade blocked the door.

She slumped against the frame. "He had cancer in his lungs." My heart dropped for a moment, "But… I removed all of the cells. Whatever medicine he used slowed the progress to where it was still treatable… He's going to be alright. I’ll still want to check up on him quarterly just to be certain." She gave me a gentle smile and a pat on my shoulder before walking away, most likely to rest.

My already jelly legs finally gave out, making me collapse against the wall and I buried my face in my knees. " _Thank God… thank Kami… thank every bloody deity out there in the universe…_ " He's going to be okay… All I could do was express my relief in English. No word in Japanese could properly express my gratitude. Kimimaro was going to be okay… and so was Itachi. 

A tap on my head had me look up to Itachi's blank face. "Deidara, we need to talk." I scrambled up, with some help as my legs wouldn’t stop shaking and we headed to the Naka shrine.

"Itachi… Gah!” I tripped over some long grass but thankfully didn’t land on my face. “Why are we here of all places, hm?" 

"No one can overhear or interrupt our conversation." If this was anyone but Itachi talking to me, I would be afraid for my safety.

Entering the secret basement with the stone tablet, I waited for Itachi to speak.

"Why did you do this?" Gravity pulled my head to the side. "You did so much to bring me to Konoha, even risking your hand to win a bet against Tsunade." He motioned to the hand that I had used Rasengan on, "Why?"

I gripped the hand, feeling ghost pain shoot up and causing it to shake violently. "You don't get it, do you…? There are people that care, hm."

He didn’t say anything.

“I care. I care about you, Itachi,” I said, placing a hand over my heart, a rapid drum that beats against my ears. “Did you think I did this for laughs? Risking imprisonment? Execution? Every step I took, there was a risk that I would be forced to throw away everything… _everything_ , so you could come home, to your village, to Sasuke, hm.”

“Why?”

Why? He has to ask why?

“Do I have to spell it out, Itachi?” My voice was hushed, barely any volume. “I… like-... that’s not the right word, huh? ‘Like’, heh… You use that word when describing a hobby, or food, hm.”

I reached up and buried my hand in my hair on the back of my head, tugging at the strands with my fingers. Itachi stood there, motionless, emotionless. Like I was talking to a statue or a picture. 

Not a picture, he was real.

“Love,” The word was foreign on my tongue. It wasn’t like I was telling my brothers that I loved them, or telling Anko that I loved her for bringing me lunch. It wasn’t like that. The stupid butterflies danced in my stomach, like prima ballerinas performing Swan Lake. “I love…”

I sound so stupid.

“You…”

I was staring at his feet. I didn’t have my trench coat, I couldn’t hide my face. I couldn’t hide anywhere. There was nowhere to go to avoid the judgemental staring that I just knew was being sent my way.

The only thing I could do at this point was to dig my grave deeper.

“I love that you’re willing to put yourself on the front lines to protect those you care about. I love that no matter how tough your life has gotten, you kept going, you didn’t give up. I love how clear your eyes are to the lies of the world, you can see the truth that others are too blind to see, even when you yourself are going blind. I-”

I hugged my arm close to my body. He wasn’t saying anything.

“Even though we’ve only met in person a small handful of times, I’ve always felt safe. Besides my brothers… I can’t say that about others. I never feel safe, my chakra is always being drained because I _always_ have to know what's going on around me. But… you make me safe, hm.” 

What hurts the most? Itachi’s silence.

“Is that enough to love someone, Itachi? Do I have to say more? Do I need to reach into the superficial reasons?” I closed my eyes. “Look, you asked and I thought you deserved to know how I felt in case I acted… I dunno, weird. Just… just reject me so we can go our separate paths, okay!? You’re home, with Sasuke and you’re healed, that’s all I care about, hm.”

But he still didn't speak.

Instead, he walked.

Itachi walked towards me and I couldn't bear to open my eye and see the look of disgust probably plastered on his face. I wanted to hide in my room and never leave. I wanted to curl up in a ball and just vanish on the spot. I wanted to-

_Poke_

'Huh…?' I slowly opened my eye and looked at what poked me. I saw Itachi's arm, pulling away from my forehead.

Itachi poked my forehead, and he's smiling… Not one of those Uchiha smirks, but it was that same smile that he only showed to Sasuke.

"Don't worry Deidara, I've known for quite a while now, I just wanted you to say it out loud." He put his arm down at his side as my mind proceeded to stop functioning. "I had my suspicions since our conversation at the inn, and I knew it was genuine when Tsunade told me about the bet. You've done quite a lot to prove yourself… even with the risks."

"I… um…" What was happening?

He let out a breathless chuckle, "Does this make things official then?" He smirked an Uchiha smirk. My body went rigid.

"Eh?" Way to sound intelligent, Deidara.

"Did you really think I would just let you put your heart out in front of me on a silver platter and a knife in my hand, and not at least see how this goes? Sometimes you never know until you take a risk, wouldn’t you agree?" He slowly began to look amused as he got closer to my face.

"...Huh…?" I sounded like an idiot, my brain couldn't form anything coherent. "But…"

He put his forehead on mine. "The least I can do for you... For everything you have done, is to give you a chance. So, Deidara, will you be my boyfriend? Or do you prefer, girlfriend?"

If I wasn't brain dead then, I certainly am now. All I could do was nod dumbly. My face was becoming warmer by the second. "Y...yes…" This was like a dream, something almost unreal.

Wait a minute.

Taking a step away from the Uchiha I pulled my bangs away from my closed, scoped eye and removed the device. I opened it, exposing it to natural light for the first time in five years. My pupil shrunk to an unnaturally small size as my vision splits into two different forms. One brighter than the other.

But both have the same Itachi, staring back at me.

Without thinking I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I gave him a tight hug as we landed on the ground with a _thud_. It wasn't a genjutsu, this was the real Itachi, he was actually willing to be with me!

But a thought occurred to me that made my hold on the Uchiha go slack. I slowly got off him, the pessimistic side of my brain took over, suddenly this didn't seem like a good idea.

"What isn't a good idea?" I didn't mean to say that out loud.

"... Sorry… I… I tend to think of things long term…" He motioned for me to go on, "Itachi, I'm a guy, hm."

Itachi was raising an eyebrow as if saying "Your point?" without having to use words.

I groaned and played with my bangs. "I'm not willing to permanently change my gender, or change any part of my body physically for anyone. You and Duck-kun are the last of your clan… excluding Obito… Wouldn't you be better off being with a woman, hm?"

Itachi tilted his head slightly, "How does being with a woman connect to Sasuke and me being the last of our clan?" Is... he being serious right now?

"Itachi, I…" I lose most of my voice, turning into more of a shameful whisper than anything else, "If we stay together long enough… I can't... give you children, hm."

One blink… two blinks… Itachi just sat there blinking, like his mind was trudging through molasses that had frozen over on a winter’s night. 

What I didn't expect was for him to laugh. It wasn’t a forced laugh, nor was it my hyena laugh from earlier in the day. No, this was just, a laugh. "Oh? That's what you’re worried about? Deidara, you came from a world that is more technologically advanced than mine. I am fairly certain if you find the right jutsus and talk with Tsunade, you can come up with a solution."

I bowed my head with a slight nod, guess that's true.

Itachi continued, "Let's not worry about that for a while. I think it would be best if we took our time together to learn. Marriage and children are things we can discuss when we are more comfortable in this relationship."

My brain short-circuited. I did not mention marriage. He mentioned marriage… holy shit Itachi was thinking of marriage. "Doesn't it bother you that I…" I made vague hand gestures. "Know more about you, than you know about me? Isn't it… weird, hm?"

Itachi pondered this, his eyes shifting to the side. "I suppose I'll have to study quickly to match you. You're an open book."

"Rude." My laugh was breathless, I wanted to cry. Was I happy? This had to be happiness, there was no other emotion that could trigger these tears. “And if you think this won’t work, I want you to tell me. I’ll do the same, hm. I’ve never- I used to think love was stupid, a fragile thing that could be easily swayed and broken. I don’t even know what my heart feels, so if things aren’t working out-”

“We’ll solve that hurdle when it comes, instead of focusing on future ‘if’s,” Itachi responded, brushing my bangs to the side, a fruitless endeavor, as the heavy locks fling back into position, some of the strands tickling his nose. “Focus on ‘when's’. Like when you’re going to stop worrying about futures that have yet to come?”

Eloquent as ever. "Thank you…"

He shook his head, "Why thank me? I should be the one thanking you. Even if you had never confessed, I owe you a life debt, you would always have an ally with me, Deidara."

I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck again in another hug. We sat there for a few minutes when I began to laugh. Oh right...

"My brother is going to kill you, hm." Not Naruto. Well, I would hope the news of me dating wouldn’t spiral the ball of sunshine into a sunbeam of death and destruction. He already knew I like men, it would be weirder for him if I brought home a woman- him learning about my friendship with Anko led to many… many questions. No, Kimimaro is the one that’s going to want Itachi’s blood spilled.

Especially if we kiss- NOPE! No thinking about kissing pretty Uchiha!

I relaxed when I felt his fingers running through my hair, "Hn… Sasuke won't care either way."

As much as I wanted to just sit there and enjoy this rare moment of peace and quiet, I still had my duties as an older brother. Getting off of Itachi and helping him to his feet, we exited the shrine to collect the boys.

~^~^~^~^~

I helped Kisame settle in an apartment not long after we left the shrine. Because it was so late, Zabuza was already home and eating with Haku, so I didn't want to bother them. I tried inviting Kisame over for dinner, but I guess Sasuke was complaining about Naruto almost living solely on ramen and he was curious about Ichiraku.

I made sure he had a seal signed in my blood just in case an Anbu went to him for questioning. There’s a difference between Zabuza and Haku vs Kisame: Zabuza and Haku were vouched by Kakashi. Kisame only has me.

I ended up making quite a lot of food because I haven't had to make large meals in such a long time. Itachi and Sasuke were over and Kimimaro was finally home, usually, whenever I made dinner lately, it would just be me, Sasuke and Naruto, or just myself.

“Are you blond?” I asked Itachi when he tried to approach my stove, Akatsuki coat off and Naruto’s apron in hand.

“No?” He answered though it sounded like a question.

“Then shoo,” I shooed him away after I gave the vegetables a stir. “Only Naruto is allowed in this kitchen when I’m cooking. Speaking of which…”

Naruto perked up, immediately understanding my tone. He ran over, yanking the apron out of Itachi’s hands, and took to handling the large fish and other meats while I handled the vegetables, rice, and a clone was working on the dessert. Lemon curd tarts with berries, yum yum.

Itachi looked as if he’d never been so offended in his entire, short, cooking-loving life.

“Sit down, Nii-san,” Sasuke said with a faint hint of an order. I heard Itachi shuffle -shuffle, he’s sulking, HA!- to his seat.

When dinner was served, it was a peaceful affair with filling Kimimaro in on everything that has happened. Though judging by Kimimaro's glare, he was not very pleased to see Itachi, maybe because he was sitting next to me.

Naruto decided to pop the question, "Deidara-nii, I know Sasuke called him ‘nii-san’ but … who is the big teme, datte-OW!" Naruto held his head as I whacked it, Sasuke snickers under his breath.

"Naruto, be polite, and if you are going to compare him to Duck-kun. I should have stopped encouraging your use of ‘teme’ a long time ago, hm" I wiped my mouth with a napkin. "This is Itachi, Duck-kun's older brother… and… my…" I slowly began sinking in my chair when Kimimaro snapped to attention, even though he was in a weaker state right now… the kid was still pretty scary when mad. Doesn't help that doctors have predicted he'll grow several more inches before stopping, and he's already an inch taller than me. Lovely.

"My… boyfriend, hm."

There were mixed reactions. Sasuke was choking on his rice, Naruto did a spit take on Sasuke, and Kimimaro broke his chopsticks. Itachi walked over and rubbed his brother's back to help, skillfully dodging the spray of spit and soda from Naruto and the chopsticks from Kimi.

"Since when, dattebayo?!"

"Nii-sama…" Kimimaro's voice was a low growl.

Panic mode activated, "Just a couple hours ago! I haven't been keeping any secrets about my relationships from you two, hm!" I frantically waved my hands as Naruto calmed down, but Kimimaro was still mad, if his intense gaze on Itachi hinted anything.

Sasuke recovered from his near-death experience, "O-okay… I did not see that coming… but…" He looked between me and Itachi before sighing, "Not surprising actually…" Based on the slight nod, guess he approved.

“Sasuke!” Kimimaro protested, slamming his hands on the table with a wheeze of his breath. Kimi-baby, your lungs!

“What?” Sasuke responded, drowning half of his cup of soda to push down any rice left in his throat. “It’s not like there’s any competition. Deidara likes guys and we know he’s not going to date a civilian. Besides the brunet that follows him around like a lost puppy, name someone close to Deidara’s age. I'm waiting.”

Kimimaro opened his mouth, and then closed it.

I snuck a glance at Itachi and did a mental headcount. Yeah… besides Kiba’s sister Hana and Daiki, I can’t exactly think of anyone around my age that isn’t dead. At least with a reasonable age gap. Itachi _literally_ has no competition in Konoha.

Naruto tilted his head, doing his closed-eye pouty-lip expression, "You two don't look like a couple. I thought couples held hands, kissed, and all that… lovey stuff, dattebayo."

Sasuke crossed his arms, "That or they do all of the stuff you told us when giving us the talk on se- OW!" Now Sasuke was nursing a bump on his head, complimentary of my fist. “How can you reach us that far away?!”

“Hard work and determination, hm.”

“That doesn’t even make sense, dattebayo!”

Nose in the air, I collected everyone's empty dishes and started to clean them, "We just started this relationship, I'm not going to make Itachi do anything until he is comfortable around me, hm."

"I don't mind." I nearly dropped a plate when I heard Itachi spoke, these damn Uchiha are going to give me a heart attack! "Kissing and hand-holding is normal progress in a relationship." Oh thank Kami, I was worried he was thinking of the other thing.

What I didn't expect was for me to turn around and Itachi to just stand there, with the kids still at the table and staring us down. Honestly, the only one here that wasn't amused was Kimimaro, but he never liked it when people got to close in my bubble anyway. Naruto was sitting on his lap to keep Kimi from getting up.

Itachi turned his head slightly to look at Sasuke, who motions him to go on while smirking. Great, the socially awkward genius was getting romance advice from his artistically evil little brother. Guess neither one of us know what to do in these kinds of situations. I only know stuff from books, movies, and fanfictions, half of that stuff doesn't work out in real life. I can count the number of successful, long-term, loving relationships I have personally witnessed on one hand and still have leftover fingers.

Itachi moved closer to my face, never breaking eye contact with me as if asking for permission. His lips and mine are nearly in contact with each other...

When I suddenly put my finger to his lips and leaned backwards at a painful 120° angle.

"Ooooohhh no, I am not going to let Duck-kun manipulate you into kissing me. Especially when I know for a _fact_ you have no romantic or sexual feelings for me yet, hm." I patted Itachi's cheek a few times with my fingers before weaving around the stunned man to check on Kimimaro. "Finish your water, honey."

He did as told. "Nii-sama, why are you with him if he doesn't return your feelings?" He let me help him up from his seat. I only allowed him to stand on his own when he stopped leaning.

"We're in a learning stage… getting to know each other. I’m happy, hm.” I fixed Kimimaro’s hair, kissing his forehead. “I’m happy, Kimimaro, and I trust him.”

Kimimaro looked over my shoulder at Itachi and his rage deflated to a small pout, "I still don't like it… but if he makes you happy…" He turned to Itachi, "If you harm Nii-sama in any way…"

"I have no intention of harming your brother, he is important to me. Like Sasuke." Itachi proceeded to ruffle Sasuke's hair, making the duckling hide behind Naruto. He now evolved from a duck's butt to a chicken's butt in five seconds, making me laugh.

"H-Holy shit! I h-haven't laughed so much i-in a single day, in forever! Ow- my head…" Due to the fact that I’m animated when laughing, my head collided with the wall. Kimi was quick to check my skull, pleased when he saw no bumps.

Naruto was also laughing, mostly due to Sasuke's new hair-do. Sasuke was… predictably not amused as he tackled Naruto to the ground. "Shut up loser!" Well, they’ll be bruised in the morning, more practice for Sakura.

Also, I’m so glad I had these apartments sound-proof.

I took a peek at the kitchen clock. "Looks like it's bedtime. Duck-kun, you know where your futon is, hm." I nonchalantly waved at the boys as I headed to my bedroom, Itachi on my tail like a lost pup, much to Kimi's annoyance. Naruto and Sasuke stopped fighting, only to start another argument on who got dibs on the bathroom first.

"Is this a normal occurrence Dei-?" Said Uchiha was interrupted when a pair of grey sweatpants smacked his face, along with a new toothbrush.

I pulled out my normal pajamas, which were just some plain blue sweats and a black tank, "You should see what it's like when the other boys are here. Talk about a nightmare, hm. The bathroom is next door. I don't think I have a shirt you can use though..." Didn’t realize we had such different body shapes, pretty sure everything I own is too small on him.

Itachi was puzzled as he examined the new toothbrush, "Do you always keep new toothbrushes in your house?"

I shrugged, "Mine always needs to be replaced so I keep extras around, hm." To prove my point I had my palm mouths smile while I did the jazz hands. After a moment I stopped and rubbed the back of my neck. "Sorry about… earlier in the kitchen. I didn't expect you to try and kiss me, hm."

Itachi shook his head, "No, it's good that you stopped me. It helps us create boundaries since neither of us has been in relationships…" He looked away, his face twisting in thought. Oh...

"Thinking about Izumi, huh?" Itachi looked at me from the corner of his eye. "I know you keep your thoughts and emotions bottled up, but my ears are always open if you want to talk, hm." I gave him a kiss on the cheek then swiftly retreated to my bathroom to get ready, leaving the Uchiha once again, stunned.

'Gahhhh! I cannot believe I just did that! I am so cheesy, stupid! Stupid! Stupid!' I violently brushed my hair and teeth and mentally beat myself down for sounding like a stupid Shoujo protagonist. Granted, I don’t regret my actions, but I didn't have to be so cheesy!

Storming out of the bathroom, Itachi entered it while I went to check on the boys. I opened the door after giving them a light, warning knock. "You all ready for-... aw…" I snapped a couple of pictures at the adorable sight before me.

Sasuke was out cold on Naruto's bed, practically buried in my brother's plushie collection. On Kimi's bed were Naruto and Kimimaro snuggled under the covers, using the dragon plush as a pillow. I think I died on the inside.

Covering Sasuke with a blanket and giving each boy a kiss on the forehead, I returned to my room where Itachi was standing there clueless.

"You can sleep in here, I'm taking the couch, hm,” I said, going to my dresser and unhooking the scope from my face. My now closed eye didn't appreciate that the scope had be reapplied to my face when we left the shrine, usually I have to disinfect it daily to remove the build-up of sweat. “My futon was washed yesterday and I didn’t sleep in it. Spare pillows are in the closet.”

I have this weird peeve where I refuse to sleep in the spare futons, mostly because it freaked me out that I could smell everything. Sure, Neji and Sasuke have nice shampoo… but Neji's futon smells like lavender and Sasuke's almost always smells like some kind of paint or tomatoes. All smells that I loath, at least futons are easy to wash.

That, and I got a new couch, it's comfy.

"Deidara, I’m not taking your bed." Oh no, I am not going through this dance routine again.

"Your other options are to smell lavender all night or Sasuke's odd taste in food. Please don't argue Itachi, Kimimaro lost this battle when I took him in, hm." Why do I have a feeling he's going to suggest something that will make me turn into a tsundere?

Itachi folded his arms across his chest- shit, I just realized he's shirtless, bad idea. Why didn't he wear his shirt? Doesn't he have spare shirts?! Don't tell me he's one of those weirdos that sleep shirtless. Eyes up. _I said eyes up damnit!_

"I'll sleep on the couch." He actually winced when I emitted a growl, "Or… We can share the futon and get used to each other."

…

…

...

Does not compute.

I slammed the door shut on Itachi and quickly made myself comfy on the couch, "Idiot, asking me something like that, hm." It didn't take long for me to fall asleep, body completely burritoed in my blanket.

~^~^~^~^~

I am having a weird sense of deja vu. I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself in my futon, except this time there was an extra source of heat holding me.

Shifting around I realized that not only has Itachi moved me back to my room, but I'm being used as a teddy bear. I'm practically laying on the guy, while he's snoozing away with the sweetest expression on his face.

How the hell did he move me? I never turned off my chakra!

I tried to move away, lightly pushing against his chest- oh Kami he’s still shirtless- when the Uchiha frowned in his sleep and his arms locked in place. So not only was I stuck in a vice grip, I was stuck in a vice grip with my arms pinned between both of our chests. I didn’t want to wake him up, not when he… he looks so exhausted. But that also didn’t mean I wanted to be stuck in this position. Plus, I was still burritoed so this, plus the futon's comforter, _plus_ the fire-affinity chakra meant I was sleeping in a sauna.

I looked down at my hands, then at Itachi’s very shirtless chest- Stop thinking about that! 

I squeezed my eye shut and my right palm mouth opened and I tried very hard not to think about the fact that I’m having it lick him in hopes that he’ll let me go.

I risked opening my eye and watched as Itachi’s face twisted into minor discomfort. His arms loosened, perfect now I can just-

And then he turned both of us to the side. I only had just enough time to free my arms and kick away my blanket before the vice grips returned and his face pressing against my hair.

Well… at least I wasn’t using him as a pillow anymore?

We are _definitely_ going to work on sleeping positions if we are going to share a bed. I may love snuggling...But I do not like being the teddy bear, he can be the teddy weasel.

I exhaled through my nose and looked up at my sleeping boyfriend… that's a new word to use… "boyfriend". the more I used it, the more I liked it. It was like when I learned to call Naruto and Kimimaro my brothers. It was… right. Nuzzling my face in the crook of his neck I relaxed enough to fall back asleep.

"Night, Itachi…"

…

Yeah, I'm not gonna get any sleep tonight. Being the cuddler was better than being cuddled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, finally. The main pairing has officially started their relationship! First off, I redid the entire confession scene. I didn't like how tsundere I made Deidara act in the original version and, while I've never been "in love" I know that when I find someone, if I'm the one to confess I'm gonna end up talking too much and pretty much assume that they would never feel the same way.
> 
> Now, I want your guys' opinions. Should I tag other relationships, or nah? The main romantic pairing is Itachi/Deidara, but they're not the only people that'll get in a relationship and they're not the only same-sex relationship either. I was thinking that if I did tag the pairings, it would only be after their relationship are confirmed so I don't spoil it for the current readers. Originally, I wasn't going to reveal that this was an Itachi/Deidara story until after this chapter was released. But considering the reactions on FFN when that happened, and some people not appreciating the fact in my HP story, Harry developed a crush without the crush pairing being tagged... I'm starting to think some readers don't like surprises. I understand that some pairings are not many people's cups of tea, but I dunno. What do you guys think? I also don't want to drown the tag section because I know that's an immediate turn off for new readers (myself included).
> 
> Also, heads-up: There will be no on-screen lemons in this fanfiction. I am not subjecting myself to writing that.

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to read this story in its full... barely edited glory, it can be found on my fanfiction page under the author name of melloschocolatecake. Fair warning: Most of it is unedited, was beta read by someone where English was their second language, and up until the late 30's chapters were filled to the brim with 4th wall breaks that just... what was I thinking? This is my baby, I love it, but god it's never fun looking at your first project after several years of growth.
> 
> This will not have a fixed update schedule, but when I update it will always be in bulks of 5 chapters. This was just a side project I've been wanting to do for about a year now and I'm finally motivated to start working on it. I am not changing the story or the ships. I am, however, fixing (hopefully) the majority of grammar errors, rewriting some parts to be a smoother read, adding details where I think its needed... and getting rid of the 50 billion author's notes I had littered around. I'm also removing most of the swears. I used to cuss like a drunken sailor when I first started college, but I'm not making it as much of a habit anymore, so I'm removing the swears I find to be unneeded.
> 
> Either way, if you're a returning reader, welcome back. If you're new, nice to meet you and hope you enjoy.


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